Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi, not to me. For that matter, Deadpool doesn't belong to me either.

Martial Artist With a Mouth

Chapter 1

"Isn't there anything you can do?" Genma Saotome demanded, while a sobbing Nodoka embraced their infant son.

"Well, I have heard of this experimental treatment," the doctor replied, "but it's extremely unpredictable..."

Years Later

"Dammit, Pop, I can't believe you would do something so stupid!" the red haired girl screamed. She was short, busty, and, most noticeably, had two katana strapped to her back in an X shape.

You're surprised he did something stupid?

Are you going to be surprised at the sun being bright or water being wet next?

Ignoring the voices in her head, Ranma (like you didn't know who she was) continued, "Picking my fiancée for me? Without even asking me? Have you lost your tiny mind?"

Yeah, how can any woman marry you and not wind up being committed?

To say nothing of any kids you'd have...

Ranma kicked the panda she'd been berating through a nearby wall than turned around. "I'm going back to China and finding a cure, so suck on that!" she snapped.

Genma (again, you knew who it was) simply grabbed a street sign that had been uprooted by their tussle and whacked his offspring over the head with it. Rather than knocking her out, however, it only pissed her off.

"Okay, that's it! I'm gonna turn you into panda steaks!" Ranma snarled and leaped towards Genma with her swords drawn.

"Turn you into panda steaks?" Real frigging original, there.

Couldn't you have come up with something better?

"Shut up!" Ranma shouted, before Genma took advantage of her momentary distraction and clobbered Ranma with the sign again, this time much harder.

That did it. Ranma slumped down, a dazed expression on her face.

"Pretty little bunnies..."

Meanwhile, at a the Saotomes' destination, the Tendo household (duh):

"A fiancé?" three girls said simultaneously, disbelieving expressions on their faces.

"That's right, girls," Soun Tendo said, tears streaming down his cheeks, "one of you will marry the son of my old friend, Genma Saotome, and carry on the legacy of Anything Goes!"

"Don't we have any say in who we marry?" Akane demanded.

"I hope he's not younger than me," Kasumi said, "younger men are so... young."

"What's this guy like? Is he cute?" Nabiki said.

"I have no idea," Soun replied, "I've never met the lad."

"You engaged us to a boy you've never even met?" Akane said.

Before Soun could reply, a soprano voice rang out from outside the house:

"Dammit, Pops! Put me down!"

"Oh, that's him now!" Soun said happily. His happy mood was interrupted when a panda crashed through the door, slamming on the floor next to him. It was carrying a large pack and sporting a large lump on its head.

"When I say put me down, I mean put me down!" Ranma said angrily, storming her way into the room.

Well, that can't be a way to make a good first impression.

It does make an accurate one, though...

"Um.. excuse me," Soun said timidly, "You wouldn't happen to be...?"

"I'm Ranma Saotome," the redhead confirmed, then smiled and said, "Please, no applause!"

The Tendos all looked confused by this statement, prompting Genma to get up off of the ground and whack Ranma upside the head. He then held out a sign saying #You're hallucinating again.#

Ranma shook her head, then said sheepishly, "...oh yeah, sorry 'bout that."

"Well, no matter!" Soun said, snapping out of his confusion, before happily embracing Ranma, "welcome to our... home..." He trailed off when he noticed two things on Ranma's chest that should not be there.

Nabiki leaned in for a closer look. "He's a she!" she exclaimed.

"But... Genma said he had a son!" Soun stammered.

"Does this look like a son to you?" the middle Tendo daughter demanded, grabbing Ranma's chest for emphasis.

"If you're gonna feel me up, at least buy me dinner first," Ranma quipped, prompting Nabiki to quickly let go and back off. (Although whether it was from the knowledge that she'd been groping another girl or from the mention of spending money is unknown.)

Suppressing a snicker, Akane walked forward. "Nabiki! He... she is our guest!" she said, before turning to Ranma. "Hi, I'm Akane. Want to be friends?"

Wait 'till she gets to know you. She'll change her tune then.

I can't think of another comment to add to this!

"Uh, sure," Ranma replied.

Later, inside the dojo:

"You do kenpo, right?" Akane asked.

"A little," Ranma replied, "I can also give a mean katana wedgie. Wanna see?"

"Uh, why don't you just keep the swords sheathed," Akane said, sweatdropping.

"Okay, your loss," Ranma said regretfully.

How is it her loss?

It'd only be her loss if you decided to show her anyway.

"Want to have a little match?" Akane asked, "Just for fun?"

"Sure!" Ranma said, brightening.

Oh god, try not to go overboard.

Or at least don't break any of her bones.

"Ready when you are!" Ranma said cheerfully.

"All right, here I come!" Akane shouted, and charged forward. She was abruptly thrown back by the kick that connected to her stomach. Akane landed hard, then quickly turned over to avoid the axe kick coming for her head. She blanched when she saw that Ranma's foot at smashed a hole in the floor.

"What's wrong with you?" she demanded. "We're just having a friendly match here!"

"Oh, sorry," Ranma said sheepishly. "I got a little carried away."

"A LITTLE carried away?" Akane said disbelievingly. "What happens when you get a LOT carried away?"

"You don't wanna know."

Later, in the furo...

"I guess I should tell them," Ranma said, having now returned to his male form, "it's not like they're not gonna find out anyway."

Are you sure? You could try to keep it secret and go to extreme lengths to keep them from seeing your guy side.

That would be pretty funny. It could lead to all sorts of hilarious misunderstandings and...

The voices in Ranma's head were interrupted when the door opened and Akane walked in wearing her birthday suit.

...well, there goes that idea.

Talk about a missed opportunity.

The two teenagers stared at each other for a few minutes. Ranma broke the silence:

"Like what you see?"

Akane walked back and shut the door behind her. A few seconds later, Ranma heard her scream.

"What was that about?" he asked.

No idea.

Beats me.

The other denizens of the Tendo home heard her scream. "Akane, what's wrong?" Kasumi asked.

"There's a pervert in the bathroom!" the youngest Tendo responded.

"Hey, I'm not a pervert!"

The girls turned towards the voice and saw the now fully-dressed and still male Ranma. "I'm Ranma Saotome. Shouldn't you be getting dressed?" he said, pointing to the still completely nude Akane.

"Wha- AAAH!" Akane shrieked, then ran out of the room, covering herself with her hands.

"Strange girl," Ranma commented.

"So cold water turns you into your cursed form," Soun said, "and hot water restores you to your normal form." He then poured water from a tea kettle onto Genma's head, restoring his humanity.

"Hot water, not boiling!" Genma said, wincing in pain.

"Didn't you know how dangerous the springs were before going in?" Kasumi asked.

"Who still believes in magic and curses this day and age?" Genma snapped.

"Okay, you actually have a good point there," Nabiki said, "but shouldn't you at least have done your research first?"

"I did!" Genma said defensively, "I got this!" He held out a pamphlet.

"Let me see that," Nabiki said. Genma handed it to her. "You can't read Chinese, can you?"

"Correct!" Genma said, before Ranma kicked him upside the head.

"You idiot! This is all your fault!"

"Quit whining!" Genma replied. "You sound like a girl!" With that, he hurled Ranma into the koi pond before he had a chance to react. "Were you not prepared to give your live for the sake of your training?"

"My life, yes!" the now female Ranma replied as she erupted out of the water, "But my manhood is another story!" Ranma then kicked his, or rather her (gender-specific pronouns are confusing with Ranma!) father into the koi pond where he... she (whatever) had just emerged from.

"Well, your problem is not so bad!" Soun said, putting a happy face on.

"What do you mean, not so bad?" Ranma said incredulously.

Shoot him. Shoot him in the face. Shoot him dead.

He can't. His guns are still in his pack. Plus there's the whole "He's a guest in this idiot's house" thing.

"You're only a woman some of the time. That means you can still marry one of my daughters!" Soun pushed Ranma towards the aforementioned girls. "Kasumi is nineteen, Nabiki is seventeen, and Akane is sixteen. Pick which one you want and she'll be your fiancée!"

"Oh, he wants Akane," Kasumi said.

"What?" the named girl shouted.

"Yeah, sis," Nabiki joined in, "he's perfect. You don't like boys, and he's only a boy half the time."

Ranma spoke up, "Uh... if she doesn't like boys, wouldn't that mean-"

Akane interrupted her, "Don't you dare finish that sentence, you pervert!"

"Like I said before, I am not a pervert!"

"Oh really?" she snarled, "then what was with that 'like what you see?' crack, huh?"

"That was a little thing called a 'joke.'" Ranma said.

"Well, you're not very funny then!" Akane retorted.

She's got you there.

Perceptive, that girl is.

Who are you, Yoda?

Shut up.

"Both of you shut up!" Ranma snapped.

Akane looked confused. "Both of me? There's only one of me."

"I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the voices in my head."

"Voices in your head? Are you crazy or something?"

"Little bit," Ranma admitted. "But I don't see why you're so mad! It's no big deal for me to see a naked girl. I've seen myself plenty of times, and I'm better built to boot!"

Akane's response to this was to clobber Ranma over the head with a nearby table, slamming her down onto the ground. Ranma popped right back up, a lump forming on her head, which quickly shrank back down.

"What did you do that for?" she demanded. In her eyes, a banner dropped down beside Akane, proclaiming: THIS IS THE GIRL YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY! OR KILL! OR BOTH!

She then noticed Akane staring at her. "What?" Ranma asked.

"You had a lump on your head, that just... disappeared," Akane replied, still staring. The rest of the Tendos were staring as well.

"Oh," Ranma said, "that. Let's just say I heal fast and leave it at that."

"Heal fast?" Real believable explanation there.

Gonna try putting it off for a little while longer, I see.

End of Chapter 1

This will gain additional crossovers as the story goes, specifically Aliens, Sailor Moon, and Evil Dead. There may or may not be yet more crossovers as well.

I don't know if I'll have Ranma and Akane get together, or just continue to fight. Whatever the case, it won't be very important to the plot.

This is my first fanfic, so please go easy on me!