I own neither Ranma nor Deadpool.

Martial Artist With a Mouth

Chapter 2

"School?" Genma asked nervously.

"Yes, Saotome," Soun replied, "I think Ranma going to school is an excellent idea."

Huh boy.

Is there any chance this won't end in disaster?

"What's your problem, Pop?" Ranma asked innocently. "The way you're acting, one might think that last time I went to school, there was a huge disaster that made you unwilling to ever put me in school ever again."

"What'd he do?" Nabiki asked, having guessed (correctly) that that was exactly what had happened.

"He set one of his classmates on fire," Genma replied, "on purpose."

"Hey, I had a perfectly good reason to do that!" Ranma protested.

"And that would be..." Nabiki said.

"It was really, really funny!"

All the Tendos stared at him, while Genma just pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation. Both families were gathered around the table, having just finished breakfast. Akane stopped staring first, and instead growled wordlessly and stood up, obviously still mad about the previous day's fight.

"C'mon, Nabiki, we're going to be late!" she snapped.

"Shouldn't you go with Ranma? After all, he is your fiancé," the middle Tendo replied with a smirk on her face.

"I'm not marrying that crazy pervert!"Akane snarled, prompting Ranma to respond.

"Stop calling me a pervert!"

Couldn't help but notice you didn't deny the "crazy" part.

That would be like him denying that he turns into a girl.

"You'll still need to show him the way," Nabiki said, interrupting the impending argument.

"Fine," Akane growled, before turning towards Ranma, "come on then, nut job."

Later, as the two were arriving at Furinkan...

Akane shoved her way in front of Ranma. "Stay out of my way," she said, then charged forward, screaming, "I HATE BOYS! I HATE BOYS! I! HATE! BOYS!"

"What?" Ranma asked, before he saw the huge crowd of boys charging towards the youngest Tendo. "Okay, what the hell is going on here? I don't think it's another hallucination."

"It's not," Nabiki said, startling Ranma. He hadn't seen her there. "This happens every morning."

This answers some questions.

And raises so many others...

Ranma watched as the youngest Tendo waded into the fray, clobbering love-struck (or perhaps lust-struck would be a better term) idiots left and right, all the while screaming her hatred of boys. On one hand, Ranma could see why she was so cranky if she did this every day. On the other hand, it kind of looked like fun.

Akane, finished with her morning beatdown, dusted her hands off and looked around. The boys who had attacked her were strewn about, either moaning in pain, unconscious, or pretending to be. All of a sudden her hand shot up and caught the projectile headed for her. It was a rose.

"A rose?" Ranma asked, then looked around. "Is Tuxedo Pussy here?"

Can't be. He never fights without the Magic Cheerleaders.

Doesn't fight with them either...

Ranma's musing (and that of the voices in his head) was interrupted when a voice came out saying, "Truly a such boorish lot." Ranma turned towards the sound of the voice and saw an older boy heading towards Akane.

"Good morning, upperclassman Kuno," Akane said, looking more irritated than ever. "Can we skip it this morning?"

"Surely you jest, fair one," Kuno replied, "for-"

Ranma interrupted him. "She doesn't seem like she's 'jesting' to me," he said, "and don't call her Shirley."

(A/N: Yes, I know that joke makes no sense in Japanese. Shut up.)

"Would you butt out?" Akane snapped at him. "This is none of your business!"

"I know it's none of my business," Ranma replied, "I just don't care." He nonchalantly walked towards Akane. "Still, it's kind of surprising how popular you are."

"And just what do you mean by that?" Akane demanded.

Before Ranma could answer, Kuno spoke up. "You there! You are being awfully familiar with Akane!"

"Yeah," Ranma said in a bored tone, "what's your point?"

Who cares what his point is? It's clobbering time!

Flame on!


As long as we're quoting members of the Fantastic Four...

"What is my... who are you, fool?" Kuno demanded.

"I'm-" Ranma started, but Kuno interrupted him.

"Is in not customary to give one's name first? Then it is mine I shall give!"

"Uh... okay," Ranma said, at a loss for words (for once).

"I am Tatewaki Kuno! Rising star in..."

"Okay, that's about all I need to hear!" Ranma cut in.

"Ah, I see my fame has spread far and wide!" Kuno said, beaming.

"No, I just think if I listen to you rant any longer, I'll probably go crazy." Ranma said. "Well, crazier."

"He's just staying with us, Kuno," Akane said, but that only made the wannabe samurai mad.

"Staying under the same roof as the beauteous Akane Tendo?" he snarled. "I will not allow it!" With that, he charged Ranma, swinging his bokken.

Kill him.

Kill him.

Ranma smirked. "My name is Ranma Saotome," he said, "and I accept your challenge."

Kill him.

Kill him.

Kill him.

Kill him.

Kill him.

Kill him.

Kill him.

Kill him.

"Would you two shut up? I heard you the first time," Ranma muttered as he dodged Kuno's swings. Kuno stopped, confusion showing on his face.

"What did you say?" he asked.

"Nothing," Ranma replied, then continued in an almost conversational tone, "so exactly what are you trying to do here anyway? Go out with Akane? 'Cause this doesn't seem like a very effective way of doing it."

Clearly taking offense to that, Kuno charged forward once more. "You know nothing, fool!" he snarled. "Akane Tendo and I were meant to be! I shall get what I deserve in the end!"

Ranma didn't reply, he merely sidestepped and kicked Kuno's bokken out of his hands. Ranma caught the wooden sword, then jumped over Kuno before he had a chance to react. Landing behind the deluded kendoist, Ranma pulled Kuno's pants down and thrust the bokken forwards.

Yeah, he got it in the end, all right.

I don't think he's gonna want that bokken back.

Meanwhile, several students were staring in shock.

"Did..." Nabiki started, before starting over again, "did he just shove Kuno's bokken up his ass?"

"Yes he did," a nearby girl replied.

Ranma grabbed the bokken still wedged very firmly up Kuno's colon and lifted both it and him up. "Hey look! Idiot on a Stick!" he said, smirking.

Akane couldn't breathe, she was laughing so hard.


"Class, we have a new student today," the teacher said, "his name is Ranma Saotome. You probably saw him-" he had to suppress a snicker, then continued: "outside earlier today. However," he turned towards Ranma, "you and Miss Tendo are inexcusably late. Both of you stand in the hall."

Moments later...

"This is your fault, you know," Akane growled.

"Wouldn't it be more that Kuno guy's fault than mine?" Ranma countered.

Before Akane could argue further, Kuno's voice came out: "RANMA SAOTOME!" The two teenagers turned towards the voice and saw the samurai wannabe charging them, an enraged expression on his face. They couldn't help noticing he was still limping from the effect of his wood enema. "I WILL NEVER ACCEPT YOUR ENGAGEMENT TO AKANE!"

With that, students seem to come out of the woodwork. "You're engaged, Akane? I thought you hated boys!"

"It was arranged by our fathers and I still do!" the youngest Tendo snapped.

Ranma, meanwhile, was dodging Kuno's strikes with a disgusted expression on his face. "Please tell me that's not the same bokken I shoved up your ass earlier."

"As you violated my blade, it is only fitting that I smite you with it!" Kuno snarled.

"And the smell doesn't bother you?" Ranma said.

"As if one of my noble bearing could produce anything in the way of an unpleasant odor!" Kuno replied.

"You're serious? You literally think your shit doesn't stink?" Ranma said, "or is your head up your ass so often you've gotten used to the smell?"

Akane chuckled at that. Ranma might have been annoying and insane, but he was also kind of funny.

Ranma was clearly growing frustrated. "Look, why don't we just take this outside?" he said, jumping out of a nearby window.

"Very well, miscreant, prepare to meet your doom!" the biggest idiot in Furinkan (which is saying something) replied, and quickly followed.

"Ranma, wait!" Akane called out. "We're on the third floor!"

"Oh please," Ranma replied, "a little fall like this is noth-" He then noticed the pool below him. "Oh goddammit..."

Ranma landed in the pool with a splash and Kuno joined him, now her, soon afterwards. As the former began swimming towards the pool's edge, the latter grabbed her. He froze when he felt Ranma's impressive bust. Ranma did not freeze, but instead launched him out of the pool with a powerful uppercut.

He just had to grab that hard, didn't he?

Did we not mention killing him?

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Ranma grumbled as she climbed out of the pool.

A few minutes later, Akane came running out of the school to find Ranma sitting in a tree, wringing her pants out. "Dumbass has a grip like a frigging python," she said.

"Here," Akane said, handing Ranma the kettle of hot water she was carrying.

"Thanks," Ranma said gratefully, but before she could take it from her unwanted fiancée, Kuno came charging seemingly out of nowhere.

"Where are you, coward?" he screamed. "Come out and face me like a man!"

"Change back while I distract him!" Akane hissed.

"To hell with that!" Ranma snarled. "I'm kicking his ass right now!" With that, the pigtailed martial artist launched herself at Kuno. The legend in his own mind turned and saw a beautiful maiden headed towards him. He then saw her fist colliding with his face and his world exploded in pain. Akane watched the brutal beating with no small amount of satisfaction. Although she preferred to be the one pummeling Kuno, the sight of the idiot getting severely injured always put her in a good mood.

After Ranma finished beating Kuno senseless, (not that he had much sense to begin with) she walked towards Akane, took the kettle and turned herself back to himself. "See ya," he said.

"Where are you going?" Akane asked.

"Back to the house," Ranma replied. "I've had enough of this place for one day."

Akane didn't know why she followed, but she did.

When they arrived back at the Tendo household, Kasumi was surprised to say the least. "What are you two doing home so early?" she demanded.

"Things got a little hectic once everybody found out Ranma and I are engaged," Akane said.

"If I had stayed there for much longer, I would have committed murder," Ranma added.

"Ranma don't even joke about that," Kasumi chided.

"I'm not joking," Ranma said. "I literally would have killed someone. Probably Kuno."

"Then why didn't you stay?" Akane asked. "I'm not joking either."

"Akane!" Kasumi said, aghast.

Ranma just chuckled and headed towards the guest room where he and Genma were staying.

You know, if she finds out about your line of work, Akane might just pay you to kill Kuno.

She shouldn't even need to pay you.

As Ranma entered the room, he heard a ringing. Recognizing the sound, he picked up his pack, opened it, and fished out a cell phone. "Should've carried this with me," he mumbled.

Then it would have gotten ruined when you took your impromptu swim.

Impromptu? Ooh, big words!

Ranma answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Is this Deadpool?" the voice on the other end of the phone asked.

"Hang on," Ranma said, pulling a red mask out of the same pack he'd pulled the phone out of. After making sure nobody was watching, he pulled the mask over his head. It was all red, with white spots where the eyes should be, and large black circles around them. (You know what it looks like, people!) Ranma reached behind his head and fiddled with the small slit in the back, pulling his pigtail out. He then brought the phone up to his ear once more.

"This is Deadpool," he said.

End of Chapter 2

Guess who the classmate Ranma set on fire is. If you guess right, you'll get a big batch of cookies lovingly baked by Kasumi. If you guess wrong, you'll get a big batch of cookies angrily baked by Akane.