[The Phineas and Ferb series is the creation of Dan Povenmire and Jeff "Swampy" Marsh. They are completely blameless for the following and would doubtlessly be horrified if they ever saw it.]
Sunday morning, and my brothers were busy building something in the backyard. It was a bit early to go busting them, but best to be prepared anyway. I took out my brand new cellphone and scrolled down the quick dial list to Mom's number.
I had been warned that no further replacement phones would be forthcoming, but Phineas had taken the blame for the destruction of my previous phone. When Mom asked to see the broken pieces of my old phone, Phineas had explained that it had disappeared with their latest invention. There it was, he had admitted to exactly what I had accused him of, and he had gotten off scott free. Even though Mom was always soft on him, he really put on the act this time. He was knelling with his puppy dog eyes almost in tears. It was almost enough to even get me to forgive him for the hell he'd made of my life this summer.
I noticed that there was a GPS marker next to Mom's number on my phone list. My old phone didn't have that. Thanks Phineas, hopefully I'll be able to use this to bust you. I clicked on the icon and it went to a map. Mom was just outside Dansville. I zoomed into the map. She was at Shady Hollow Cemetery.
I walked downstairs, waved to my brothers and sat down on a lawn chair. I watched the progress of their construction for a while and then my mind wandered back to where Mom had been. I couldn't think of anybody we knew who was buried there. I racked over my memory, trying to think of even one name.
I still hadn't figured it out before I heard our parents drive up. The marvelous invention that Phineas and Ferb had been playing with mysteriously vanished at exactly that moment of course. How our parents had missed it looming over our house was another mystery.
Mom went directly to the yard gate, instead of going through the house. "Candace, are you okay? I didn't get a call from you about busting your brothers."
"I'm fine, Mom. Something else came up. So who's buried in Shady Hollow Cemetery?"
The slightest moment of shock crossed her face. "What? What brought that up?"
"The GPS feature on your phone said you were there today."
"Oh, did we pick that option? We really need to cut down on these excess features. You know, to make up for all the replacement phones. You kids must be famished. Why don't I go make lunch right now?" She hurried inside.
I turned back to my brothers. Phineas was staring at me, slack jawed.
Ferb pushed some blueprints into his face to block his field of view. "Phineas, it looks like you made a calculation error here."
"Uh? What? Let me see. Hmmm... No, it looks correct to me."
"Oh, my mistake then. Sorry."
Ferb might be an alien or an android, but he never made calculation mistakes. And even if he did, he'd redo them in his head long before he spoke up about them. I narrowed my eyes at the two of them, then turned away and walked back to my room.
I lay on my bed and thought for a while. Suddenly my phone buzzed. I answered it. "Hi, Stacy."
"Candace, you haven't called me all day. Is anything wrong?"
"No, I've just been busy. Say, can you cover for me tomorrow?"
"I guess, what do you want me to do?"
"I'll be helping Jeremy all day Monday, but I don't want my Mom to think I'm getting too serious with him. Can you just say that I'm with you and have stepped out, if asked?"
"Thanks a bunches. I hear Mom calling me to lunch, so I'll talk to you later."
"Bye for now."
That must have been the shortest call I'd ever had with Stacy.
I scrolled down my quick dial list and hit dial.
"Hi, Candace, what's up?"
"Hi, Jeremy. Can I ask you for a tiny favor?"
"I'll be working on a surprise with Stacy on Monday. So if you get a call, can you just say you've seen me around?"
"Sure, no problem."
"You're a real lifesaver, Jeremy. I'll talk to you later."
The rest of the day passed without much incident. The boys played video games, that I think they wrote themselves, and our parents did not volunteer what they had done that morning. I looked up bus schedules on my computer.
On Monday morning, I waited for Mom and Dad to head out to the antique store, and for Phineas and Ferb to get started on their next great invention. As I quietly shut the front door behind me, I could hear Phineas ask from the backyard where it was that Perry had gone to.
I had to transfer buses downtown, and there was a delay when one of the buses was disabled by a robot battle. Strange how all the strange goings on in Dansville never seemed to actually kill anybody.
Finally I got off at the bus stop, and walked one block to Shady Hollow Cemetery. I managed to talk the groundskeeper into letting me look at the graves record. I read through the list and stopped at one name. Even if it wasn't the grave Mom and Dad had visited on Sunday, I knew I had to see it. Could it have been a great-grandmother or a distant aunt? "Excuse me, Sir. Where is the grave of this Candace Flynn?"
"Five rows down, third grave to the left."
I strolled over to the location given and stopped to read the headstone.
Candace Gertrude Flynn, with the same spelling as my name. It even had my birthday, and a date from a few months ago this year. I fainted.
"A bit of a pickle, isn't it, Kevin?" The zebra who was sitting on a nearby headstone asked.
"Are you okay, Miss?" The groundskeeper was holding me up in a sitting position.
"Yes, sorry. Not used to all this sun. Thanks." I looked at the headstone again. It had not changed.
"Excuse me please." I walked away from my grave. I knew who had to be responsible for this. "Phineas!" I cursed quietly to myself.
I was waiting for the bus home, when my phone buzzed.
"Candace, this is the second day that you haven't called me all day. Is anything the matter?"
"No, I've just been busy."
"The GPS shows you're downtown. Care to drop by the shop?"
"Oh sorry, Mom, but I've forgotten something at home. I'll drop by tomorrow."
My anger was reaching a new high, by the time I opened the yard gate. I suppose I might have even had a vein visibly throbbing on my forehead.
Phineas and Ferb were bent over a blueprint that was spread on the yard.
I walked over to Phineas, grabbed him by the shoulders and turned him to face me. "Phineas Flynn, who is buried in my grave?"
A look of total horror swept over his face. "No! You can't be dead, Candace. Not you. Not the most wonderful sister in the entire world!" He broke down sobbing.
I hugged him tightly to me. "It's okay, Phineas. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."
Ferb looked on all so sadly, then went inside to use the phone.
Mom and Dad got there in half the time they took to respond to my busting calls. By the time they arrived I had already tucked Phineas into his bed and was waiting in the living room.
Mom went upstairs to check on Phineas, then came down and sat quietly.
Finally Ferb, of all people, broke the silence. "There you are Perry. Why don't you go upstairs and comfort Phineas?"
The platypus chattered his teeth then climbed the stairs. I swear, it's like the dumb critter actually understands us some times.
"Why does Phineas think that I am dead, and who is in my grave?"
"My daughter is dead."
"Mom! Then what am I?"
"Phineas' greatest invention." It was Ferb who answered.
"What? Am I some sort of robot?"
"An organic android clone. Even your brain is mostly human. But we didn't have a brain recording from Candace, so Phineas used his own, with some fancy editing."
"No wonder I hallucinate myself as Kevin."
"Oh, does that happen often?"
"Only when I'm dreaming. Fine, then what happened to Candace Gertrude Flynn?"
"Phineas had been so busy thinking about something that he never saw the truck. She pushed him out of the way. Her blood splattered over him, and he hasn't been the same since. I think that's why you're so keen to bust him. He blames himself for her death, and that carried over into your brain. Shall we erase your memories to back before you figured this out?"
"Candace, dear. It doesn't hurt a bit. I've seen it done on you several times, and you never noticed a thing."
"No, Dad. Say, can I call you Dad, Mom and brothers?"
"Yes." The three of them said at the same time.
"I'm the living monument to Candace Gertrude Flynn, so it's time I starting living up to that. I can't do that if I don't know. Do Jeremy and Stacy know?"
"It was a bit of a shock to them, and all of us, when you returned. But they seem to have accepted it now."
"But, Mom, how can Jeremy accept a freak like me?"
"He's a good boy. You know that, Candace. I wouldn't mind him being my son-in-law and the father of some of my grandkids some day."
"Is that even possible?"
"You are physically human, Candace."
"Thanks Ferb. Very well, I'll live my life for all of you, Phineas, Amanda and Xavier."
"Fred?" I asked Ferb, but he remained silent.
I turned to Mom. "Just one tiny request please?"
"Just this once, declare Phineas and Ferb so very busted for playing god."
"Candace, dear, I don't think anybody can bust Phineas more, than he has himself."