It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.
What if the only thing to offer a soul when its light has been dimmed and put out is darkness.
I didn't forsake it though, even if all evidence pointed to it being the true sin left to man, the unforgivable and nearly irredeemable curse. You understand your ailment to better treat it… you analyse and test the weaknesses to better strengthen your will against them…
"I am bored" Edward huffed.
"Tell us something new…"Rosalie rolled her eyes, flipping her magazine noisily.
We were back in Forks-under much better circumstances. A larger coven but the times made a quick cover something achievable but still questionable amongst the humans-a twenty nine year old single doctor with a brood of beautiful adopted relatives.
"You can go with the whole 'providing for my family is what inspired me to excel in medicine'" Edward chuckled, running a finger along the top of his piano and frowning at the dust he picked up.
Five teenage children that were so well behaved under a young bachelors roof…
"We can rebel if you want, Carlisle" Edward murmured, looking at me with a glimmer in his eyes that made me nervous to whether he meant his words in jest or a potential action.
"Dad wants us to rebel?" Emmett asked, walking into the large living room without a shirt on.
"He wants us to be unruly teenagers to help with our on coming visage" Edward chuckled winking at me.
"Seriously?" Emmett asked, a huge grin crawling over his face.
"You know me better than that, Emmett" I sighed, rising from the chair. "I am off to work, children… do behave. Alice, remember to go shopping for stationery"
"Because a vampire has ever forgotten anything" Alice huffed.
Of course I found gratitude and honourable redemption in my family-the strong loving family I had somehow found and saved from the brink of each member's individual death and self destruction. They had each other, we had each other but all the same I felt alone.
Edward found it easy to tune this aspect out of his life having never had he love of a woman or he desire to love a woman from his human life. It was irrelevant and incomprehensible at times to him. But I knew… I knew what it felt like to be loved simply and in utter and beautiful complexity. I may not remember her name-something that had bothered me before-but I knew the feeling. The feeling remained engraved in my heart, piercing my mind with the flavour and my imagination had spun out a face for the blurred woman.
It was a dream long gone and of course there was little point in my wondering of the whole enclosed beauty of what 'could have been'. What could have been was left in the past and I had to concentrate on what is…
My family and the immense leaps in our salvation we have taken.
"Dr Cullen" Anna McElroy greeted in her high voice, her cheeks turning a rosy blotched red when I returned her smile.
As was per custom since I began at Forks, I was greeted with a million high pitched female voices and their many blushes mingled with flattering eyelashes. If I had been human myself I might have been blushing at all the attention, probably wouldn't have made it past the front doors in my crippling bashfulness but alas-here I was three hundred plus years and gazing at all these children and their misplaced infatuation for a predator. That was what it came down to in the end… my being a predator and their love for the wolf in sheep's clothing…
The day would be short-something I hated about being in a small hospital but the beautiful weather had pulled us all here. I had to bare my limited capacity to help the humans with extra house calls and visits…
Home to my brood soon…
"Does it ever bother you" Edward murmured, tossing his Elk casually to the side and smoothing his perfectly pristine lavender shirt out. "Their lovemaking?"
"Yes" I laughed, moving my own drained Elk to a spot some scavenger would easily find it. "But it is a natural thing…"
"You believe that people should only have intercourse to procreate" he said softly, his eyes narrowed and watching my face in his merciless scrutiny. Edward was most calculative and determined with each endeavour he set out on, no matter how menial… like this very conversation…
"I am not going to ban them from having sex" I chuckled. He had to understand that I never sought out to impose my beliefs and views on others…
"I do" he huffed, still irritated at not getting his way. "Emmett can be most obnoxious about it"
"Well, that is just how your brother is" I sighed.
"I still think it makes you a hypocrite Carlisle" he finishes sulkily.
"Edward…" I sighed. "I am aware that my upbringing was a lot more… jailed than that of most and as you are well aware, vampirism heightens our emotions, views, personalities so…"
"Yes, yes" he grumbled. "you are forever more imprisoned in your body and doomed to be a stick in the mud"
"I would be a stick in the mud if I made everyone celibate based on my ancient immortal and never changing views"
"Hmm" he grumbles and I smiled, wishing as I had done countless times I could read his intricate mind.
"It is just…" he began carefully and at the same with a hint of vulnerability that was difficult to discern with Edward " I … obviously don't understand it… maybe somewhat with the added telepathy but at the same time its foreign and yet conquered territory and to feel it… I don't want to see them… her… the girls… its infuriating and devastating and you wont understand because your mind has walls that keep you safe from it!"
"Do you wish for a mate, Edward?" I whispered, remembering Tanya's advances on him that he countless times refuted and avoided
"No… I am fine" he grumbled folding his arms over his chest.
"You were changed to young and obviously missed a few experiences…"
"I said I am fine Carlisle" he hissed. "The path of the celibate holy man is the only one I have left open to me and I take it with understanding. So, let's drop it"
"Okay" I said smiling a little at the little colloquial "lets 'drop it'"
"I would like to know though" he whispered as we ran back to the house. "Do you wish for a mate?"
"I am content" I murmured and he obviously saw from my mind that this was nothing but the truth. I had only been with one woman fewer than three times before I had had my humanity snatched from me. It could be remembered fondly in odd blurry visuals but it was a song whose lyrics were forgotten and could only be hummed.
"Well…" he huffed. "They badger me about it. they make me feel… broken for not having one"
"You are not broken"
"I know that!" he snapped. "I just don't…. understand… sometimes"
"Even with the mind reading?"
"Even with the mind reading" he grinned.