Judge Stan

By Shadowgate

A/N: This fan fiction story was inspired by the episode Cash for Gold because it touched my heart the way Stan told the jewelry dealer that he was the definition of evil and to kill yourself.

I think that if he grew up he'd be a good judge and he'd punish those worthy.

So here begins a new story. This story will contain bullying and spanking.


Stan Kenny and Kyle are walking through school.

"Hey Stan I think it was incredible the way you told that guy on the jewelry marketing channel to kill himself. You should be a judge. Colorado used to have the gas chamber where the convicted murder would have to sit in a tunnel shaped room and suck in poison gas and a stethoscope would run through the wall for the doctor to listen and make sure the bastard died. You should be a judge when you grow up and make people give up their lives for doing terrible things."

Stan laughs and says "Kyle they've switched to lethal injection now."

Kyle says "well the lethal injection is cheaper and kills faster. Oh but hey they die."

Stan says "I find it ironic that you're Jewish and you're for the death penalty."

Kyle says "well Jews don't favor being executed for being Jewish but lots of us favor killers being executed. If someone murdered Kenny I'd call that person a bastard and I'd want that person to die."

Kenny thinks to himself "oh brother."

Stan says "Kyle let's stop you're going to make Kenny piss his pants."

Kenny says "oh fuck you Stan."

Stan says "I'm kidding with you buddy."

Counselor Mackey comes up and says "I think you boys are on to something. Whenever a kid gets a detention we can have them come see you Stan to get that detention slip umkay. Then you can explain to them why they're getting the detention and if they want to talk to you about the circumstances you can offer them a shoulder to cry on so to speak umkay."

Stan says "I don't know."

Kyle replies "I guess it's like those teen courts where a kid pled guilty to breaking the law and gets to go there instead of juvenile hall and other teens decide his punishment."

Stan says "but in this case I'd be the one handing down the sentence."

Kenny says "you'd be Judge Stan and you could yell at them but also counsel them."

Kyle says "Stan I think you'd be great. You've struggled through depression and you've stood up for causes you believed were right. You should be a judge and give kids detentions. If things get really bad well you can fight."

Stan smiles and says "yeah that might not be a bad idea."

Kenny says "people should be punished like bullies and abusive parents."

Kyle says "yes and maybe with Stan's logic he can change that person. Over the past two years we always say that we've learned something today when something major happens. Stan go for it and train to be a judge."

Stan smiles and says he'll do it.

At 3PM that day Kyle is told to report to the counselor's office for detention.

Stan and Kyle are facing each other.

Stan says "well Kyle you threw a Doctor Pepper at Cartman at lunch time. Now I have to hand you a detention to be served tomorrow after 3PM."

Kyle asks "don't you want to ask me why I did it?"

Stan laughs and says "well I was there and it seems Cartman made a joke about the jewelry channel selling lamp shades which you found very offensive because you're Jewish. Oh and Cartman got one day of in school suspension because they're cracking down on hate speech in schools all over the USA."

The next day in school at 3PM Clyde Donovan was told to go see Stan Marsh in the counselor's office where he would be handed a detention slip. At 2:58 PM he took two deep breaths and marched to see Judge Stan.

He was informed he'd be getting a detention by a hall monitor for slamming his locker and cussing. The only thing that kept a smile on his face was thinking about the fact that school hall monitor was fatter than Cartman.

Clyde entered the school counselor's office and Counselor Mackey said "right through here Clyde."

Clyde gave a salute and entered the room.

"Hello Stan" he said

Stan shot back and said "that's Judge Stan to you Mister Donovan and before I give you your detention I want to know how you're doing since the death of your mother?"

Clyde says "I understand she's gone and I must move on and yes I was cussing while thinking of a time she took me on a picnic."

Clyde starts to cry and Stan says "come here Clyde."

Stan hugs Clyde and says "I'm here for you buddy."

Clyde says "thank you for the hug now go ahead and punish me I'm ready to take my punishment."

Stan says "you're a good person Clyde and I hope as your buddy I can help you to stay a good person and now I'm going to hand your detention."

A tear rolled down Clyde's face but he gave a small smile.

Stan says "it's an honor to know you even though you can be a real douche in class sometimes."

The boys both laugh and Clyde understands that tomorrow afternoon he'll be serving detention.

Later that day the four main characters are sitting in the malt shop. Kenny got through thanking Stan for spending spare allowance money to buy him a strawberry shake.

When they sat down they all wanted to talk about what it was like for Stan to be a judge.

Cartman had to ask "how does it feel to serve the empire young Anakin Skywalker?"

Stan turns and says "look Counselor Mackey gave me this assignment because he thinks a peer can be helpful when a student gives detention. I can talk to them about problems and say things like "I know that sucks" or "hey it wasn't cool to do what you did" and then explain to them why it was not cool. Counselor Mackey thinks it can have an impact for the positive."

Kyle points out "I remember when I worked with Cartman on the Crack baby deal and you were still my best friend but you made it clear you were NOT happy with me."

Stan asked "you ended up being the first person to see me for detention Kyle. How did it feel?"

Kyle "I was mad because Cartman made his stupid joke about Jews being turned into lampshades by Nazis."

Cartman laughs but Kyle takes a deep breath and explains "I understand that when I threw my soda at Cartman some other kids were hit and I feel bad about the innocent civilians. Judge Stan you were right to give me detention."

Cartman jokes "Oh what a heartwarming confession."

Stan says "if there's one person at this table who will spend most of his life in prison well it's obvious who that person is."

Kenny said "I heard today you had to give Clyde detention. How did that go?"

Kyle exclaimed "that had to be emotionally difficult."

Cartman said "he was cussing and slamming his locker yelling how he missed his mommy."

Kyle jumps in and says "your dad is dead and if you lost your mom you'd be in foster care. Remember you and Kenny spent time in foster care and right after that you spent time in juvenile hall for a false police report. I believe you Cartman off all people should be sympathetic to Clyde for losing his mother and when you made fun of him because his mom got mad at him over the fucking toilet seat nobody else laughed."

Cartman turns to Kyle and asks "well damn what's got you riled up is there a turd in your ice cream sundae?"

Stan says "we are trying to teach you Cartman that Clyde has turned out to be a pretty good friend. We had fun playing football with him. We had fun playing Lord of the Rings with him. We should feel bad for him for the pain that he's had to go through recently and I hope we can get that message through to you."

Cartman shoots back "well you must have embarrassed him when you handed him his detention slip. Wow Stan some friend you are."

Stan says "hold it Cartman a lot more happened than just that."

Cartman asked "what else happened?"

Stan stated clearly "I let him know I was his friend and that I was sorry for what he was going through and if he wanted a shoulder to cry on that was cool with me."

Cartman asked "did he actually cry on your shoulder?"

Stan answered "yes he did and it helped him to feel better."

Cartman started laughing his ass off but Kyle was going to shut him up.


Stan jumped in and said "Go Kyle Go!"

Cartman says "yeah you're right Kyle oh man poor Clyde he's in pain."

Kyle states "it's great that you understand that."

Cartman says "well I know what would be even more embarrassing and painful than what Clyde is going through and whoa would it be a punishment!"

Kyle asks "what might that be fat ass?"

Cartman answered "having to line up at for a shower at Auschwitz."


Eric Cartman felt the hardest fist ever hit him in his face.

The next day in class Eric Cartman was standing in front of the class because he had a broken nose for show and tell.

Mister Garrison says "well Eric thank you for sharing your broken nose for show and tell with the class. I know you don't want to talk about how you got it but that's okay. It's no crime to be a shy little boy. Now at this time I need a certain shy little boy to take his seat and be quiet. Oh and Eric if you need a diaper change I'm sure Wendy will be happy to take you to the bathroom and take care of it you silly little boy."

The whole class starts laughing as loud as they can. Craig Tucker falls out of his chair. Eric Cartman starts to feel pain in his left shoulder and arm. He starts to feel his heart beat abnormally and the chest pain becomes very severe. He wonders if he's actually having a heart attack from the embarrassment. He gets choked up big time. He throws his head back to keep the tears coming out of his eyes. He thought of Pete Melman and Jenny Simon. Oh man he was feeling true pain. The thundering of the laughs of the entire class was overwhelming and he wanted to disappear.

Wendy was a bit irritated at the thought of having to clean up Cartman's shit so she felt odd. Kyle was laughing and said "this is more fun than Casa Bonita."

Kenny stood up in his chair and pulled his hood off. Then he said "I just pissed in my pants and there's not a Goddamn thing anyone can do about it."

The laughter went on for an hour. Cartman finally took his seat with his face covered in tears and he couldn't believe his heart was still actually beating.

At lunch time the drama continued.

Everyone was laughing at the table.

Kenny asked "hey do you guys remember when I stood up and like that officer in the movie Dances With Wolves I said 'I just pissed in my pants and there's not a Goddamn thing anyone can do about it?"

Everyone looked at Kenny funny and said they had no memory of that whatsoever.

Kenny said to Kyle "you're kidding?"

Kyle said "Kenny I think we'd remember you screaming in class that you peed yourself."

Kenny thinks to himself silently "well sure you would you always remember me dying!"

Stan jumps in and says "Kenny if you stood up and pissed your pants in class that would be disrupting class and I would be happy to hand you detention and I hope that your dad gets a belt and deals with you when you get home. 10 years old is too old to be pissing in our pants now young man."

Kenny says "you're letting this Judge thing go to your head."

Stan says "no I'm not letting it get to my head now you sit up straight and eat your lunch."

Kenny responds "yes sir" and eats quietly.

Everyone continues laughing but then Wendy taps Stan's shoulders and says "the thought of cleaning up Eric's piss and shit didn't make me laugh much and I think that even though someone is a very big jerk they've really suffered enough."

Stan realizes that Wendy was the only student who didn't laugh since Mister Garrison made her name a part of the sentence that humiliated Cartman and the sentence was so ugly she decided to go on and say "I don't feel like eating lunch today Stan."

She passed her lunch to Kenny.

Stan said "well that's nice of you Wendy to give Kenny your lunch. Kenny you get to eat my girlfriend's lunch."

Kenny whispered "I'd love to eat your girlfriend's pussy."

Stan said "what's that Kenny I didn't catch that?"

Kenny said "nothing Judge Stan um I mean your honor."

Stan turned to Wendy and said "Kenny is so well behaved and as someone who gets to be the judge of giving out detentions I really like that."

Wendy said "we need to talk to Cartman he's sitting in that corner and he's suffered enough."

Stan says "oh alright"

When Stan got up to go visit Cartman a poor little boy who was being well fed at the time decided to put his fork down so he could raise his middle finger. He thought to himself "here's to you Judge Stan Marsh."

He then felt sadness for flipping off his friend and asked himself silently was Mister Mackey's idea to make Stan a judge of his peers a good idea after all?

Wendy says "hey Cartman how are you holding up?"

Cartman says "well I'm feeling better. This morning I felt dizzy and I felt severe chest pain and my heart was skipping beats and I never want to feel that again."

Cartman sniffles.

Wendy says "Oh My God those are the signs of a heart attack."

Stan says "hey Cartman we're going to take you to the school nurse. Schools now days have portable EKG machines that can shock hearts back into normal rhythm if needed."

Cartman just nodded and when they got to the school nurse he was hooked up to the portable machine and the results were fine.

After a checkup from the nurse Wendy whispered to Cartman "I'm honestly glad you're okay Cartman because you are a human being. Right now spend some time thinking about Corey Duran."

At 2PM Stan got a list of kids whom he'd be seeing in the counselor's office to hand detention.

When he looked at the list it read the following student's names.

Craig Tucker-cussing at little girls

Ike Broflovski-throwing paint at a little girl

Wendy Testaburger-arguing with Mister Garrison

He was not shocked to see Craig's name on the list.

He was concerned about Ike and immediately went to Kyle.

"Kyle there's a certain person on my list this week. A second time the Broflovski student is on my detention list."

Kyle exclaimed "what?"

Stan says "it says on the paper he threw paint all over a little girl."

Kyle says "well Ike has never had a detention before so now he'll get his first. Ike has done crazy stuff you know? Like when he went off with Cartman to a fucking third world country."

Stan said "you supported that trip!"

Kyle replied "I supported having Cartman exiled but I had no idea my brother was going to hop on board the damn ship."

Stan said "what a surprise you got."

Kyle snaps back "well now Ike is going to get a surprise and that's his first detention. If he cries and you want to hold him I trust you Stan."

Stan makes it clear he appreciates that and hugs Kyle. He also shows Kyle the third name and says "it's because she got into an argument over the way Mister Garrison publicly humiliated Cartman. Well think about the thought of Cartman having to piss and shit in a diaper and someone suggested you be the one to change him wouldn't you get humiliated?"

Kyle puked all over the hallway.

Stan helps Kyle up and says "I'll get you to the nurse buddy."

Kyle says "don't go easy on Ike. Ike has to learn right from wrong and you are Judge Stan."

Kyle coughs and Stan carries him to the nurse's office.

At 2:30 PM Mister Garrison steps out of the room and Stan whispers to Wendy and shows the big list.

Wendy gives a thumbs up sign and whispers "we can talk in the counselor's office."

3PM comes around and the three on the list will appear.

Stan called Craig into the counselor's office. Counselor Mackey had a side office where Stan would hand out the detention and Stan along with the child getting the detention could chat with Stan about the issues.

Stan opens the door and says "Craig Tucker please step into my office."

At first Craig was a little annoyed by the way Stan acted like he was an adult in charge but he did what he was told.

Stan states "Craig Tucker you flipped off two second grade girls because they laughed at you for having your fly open!"

Craig says "I pulled up my zipper when they started laughing and I do regret flipping them off seriously. I should have let it go. I know I'm Craig Tucker and everyone sees me as the bad boy."

Craig giggles but continues "I have a little sister and I'd be pissed off if some big boy flipped her off."

Stan responds "well I want you to know I think you're an okay kid Craig and I hope your parents aren't abusing you at home."

Craig laughs and says "my dad is big but he doesn't beat the shit out of me like some people think. You know my parents are encouraging me to go into advertising?"

Stan answered "I didn't know that."

Craig asks Stan to let him demonstrate.

Stan nods and Craig stands up and says "Parents are you sick and tired of your children? Have you had it your wayward son? Are you sick of your little girl acting like a spoiled rotten princess? Well I Craig Tucker am proud to advertise to you the kiddy sized electric chair. It has up to 1500 volts. You plug it in and you strap your kid in. Are you just fed up to your neck up with little Billy the brat? Well now you can zap him. Yes you can you can zap him and stop that little bastards heartbeat. Order now for $19.95."

Stan fell out of his chair laughing.

Stan stops laughing after five minutes and says "I can't believe I just laughed at that. It was funny but very morbid."

Craig gives Stan a pat on the shoulder and says "I hope you become a judge one day and you give criminals what they deserve."

Stan smiles big and says "thank you Craig" and hands him his detention slip.

Stan opens the door and says "Ike Broflovski please step into my office."

When Ike steps in and sits down Stan states "you were asked to pass paint to another classmate and you threw it at her because you thought it would be funny right?"

Ike giggles but Stan gives him a dirty look and Stan starts to remember that Kyle told him to be harsh on Ike so he'd learn a lesson.

Ike gulps and asks "are you mad at me?"

Stan answers "you're the first Kindergartener in the history of South Park Elementary School to get detention and don't think the record you set is a good one. Your brother and I our friends and I know we let you in to hang out with us along with Kenny and the fat ass. Right now we are not hanging out together. You're seeing me not to have fun like when we did those Mad Libs remember?"

Ike nods.

Stan continues "you're seeing me to be given a detention slip. When you serve detention you will sit in a room for 30 minutes silently and you will not talk to other students. Detention is an extra long time out."

Ike starts frowning and he gets choked up.

Stan asks "why did you throw the paint at that girl?"

Ike answers "well I meant for it to be a joke and I guess it turned out to not be so funny."

Ike sniffles and says "I'm really sorry."

Stan signals Ike with his hands and holds his arms out for Ike and Ike jumps out of his chair and gets a hug.

Stan says "here's the detention paper telling you where to go and 30 minutes of your free time after school will be spent in a room with you sitting silently doing nothing. Now Ike go home and remember Kyle and I will always look after you buddy."

Ike replies "yes sir."

When Ike opens the door and leaves Stan calls in his girlfriend and he's not looking forward to having to give her a detention.

They both sit and face each other quietly for two minutes.

Wendy says "hello Judge Stan I plead guilty to being rude to a teacher and you're supposed to hand me a detention slip so justice will be served."

Stan pulls out the detention slip with Wendy's name on it and hands it to her.

Wendy says "I've apologized to Mister Garrison and I understand that Mister Garrison wanted to send a message to Cartman by publicly humiliating him which I'm all for."

Stan replied back "we both took Cartman to the nurse's office I mean he almost had a heart attack. The dumb ass could have died."

Wendy adds "well I'm sure he's learned a lesson so he'll be humble for three weeks now then he'll get back to being Eric Cartman."

Stan exhaled and said "you know it that fat bastard will always be a fat bastard."

Wendy asked "how did Ike handle his detention?"

Stan said "well he apologized and Kyle even told me to be firm with him and I was. After I talked to him about what he did and I had him cry just a little."

Wendy said "oh"

Stan then said "I gave him a hug afterwards."

Wendy said "Oh Stan if you become a judge you'll be tough but fair I know it."

Stan and Wendy take off their jackets and start making out. With Stan only in his t-shirt Wendy is able to lean against his chest and hear his thumping heart.

When Counselor Mackey opens the door Wendy immediately says "my boyfriend is going to be a great judge and he's given me my detention slip. I understand I have to be accountable for my actions and Stan is very fair. I believe one day he'll become a judge and the justice system in Colorado will be better."

Stan felt chills go up his spine and his heart was booming. He collapsed into her arms.

Counselor Mackey stated "that's very grown up of you Wendy and Stan keep up the good work."

Stan replied "yes sir."

The next day Cartman was in his garage. He set up a chair. He purchased two sets of handcuffs. One pair would go on his hands in front since it's awkward to handcuff your own hands behind your back. The other two would be for his feet. He decided he'd done so much to fuck up other people's lives and he wasn't getting anywhere in life. He decided he would end his own life.

All of a sudden Mysterion jumped through a window that was on the side of Cartman's garage and threw fire crackers at the legs of the chair. To say the least the chair had no more legs and Cartman was stunned.

Mysterion said "well Cartman it looked like you were going to permanently retire from being not only being the Coon but from life itself."

Cartman sniffled "all I've done in life is hurt people. Everyone hates me and calls me fat."

Mysterion said "I know you got nailed really hard in class the other day but I refuse to allow you to kill yourself and I will do anything to stop you."

Cartman smiles and replies "really?"

Mysterion adds "if you want a friend's shoulder to cry on then you got one right here."

Two days later in school Stan would be busy. He had ten detentions to hand out.

Kyle said "Stan we have to talk."

Stan said "you're getting another detention Kyle and we can talk about that after school today when you come to me for the paper."

Kyle said "it's not about that dude it's about Cartman. Yesterday Mysterion took Cartman to the South Park Mental Institution."

When Stan found out why he was in shock. He thought of how Cartman laughed when other people got hurt really bad. He thought about how Cartman suffered when Wendy beat the shit out of him and how he had to pretend everybody actually cared about him. But he remembered when Jimmy said "our opinion of you could not be any worse."

For Stan and for all who were now hearing about this the big reality check came about. Cartman like anyone else hated public humiliation. If embarrassment and bullying could be bad enough maybe one would just want to die.

9AM Counselor Mackey got on the intercom and made his announcement.

"Stan Marsh please report to my office. Stan Marsh please report to my office thank you."

Some people in class started whispering. Butters said "Go Stan Go!" and gave a thumbs up.

Stan was amazed at the new found respect.

When Stan got to the counselor's office he saw his mom and dad there. He was told that at 8AM that morning his Grandpa died of a heart attack.

He sunk in his chair.

His lip quivered and he asked "he's really gone isn't he?"

Randy said "yep I'm afraid so pal."

Counselor Mackey said "if you want to take the day off from school that's alright."

Stan said "no way I'm going to persevere!"

By lunch time the word was out about Stan's Grandpa dying and everyone sat in the cafeteria silently. They all ate but nobody was in the mood to chat with anyone. Nobody said anything to Stan for they all wanted him to have quiet time. As for him having peace well they only hoped that he was feeling peace inside since his grandfather had lived so long. The word was he went quick and they hoped that since Stan knew that he could take comfort in it.

At 3PM Stan had a list of kids to hand out detentions to. This was the longest list yet.

Kyle was in first to see Stan.

Stan said "well Kyle your second detention in one week."

Kyle goes along with it and says "yes your honor and I'm here for you to hand me my second detention I've been a naughty boy."

Kyle does the faith hilling moves.

Stan says "Alright Kyle how's your brother?"

Kyle said "well I hear he served his detention like a model prisoner. When he got home after the detention my mom and dad were mad about the cleaning bill. That little girl's parents sent us a bill so my mom took Ike in the kitchen and whacked his bare ass with the wooden spoon 50 times."

Stan was shocked and said "that seemed pretty harsh over a childish prank."

Kyle asked Stan if he ever got a few whacks and Stan affirmed but Stan made it clear he didn't approve of Ike getting that much of a beating.

Kyle said "hey kids have been spanked for thousands of years and Ike had to pay for what he did. He got detention and that little stunt cost our parents some money."

Stan said "oh the money issue huh."

Kyle then said "what the hell are you implying by that Stan?"

Stan said "well I think the spanking was harsh."

Kyle said "when your now deceased Grandpa was your age the beatings were done constantly."

Stan said "please don't talk about my Grandpa."

Kyle hissed and said "maybe we should talk about your Grandpa and the pain you're feeling instead of talking about my little brother or that sneaky stereotype you threw in about Jews only giving a fuck about money."

Stan said "well I don't really want to talk about my dead Grandpa oh but you know who else died this past week? John Demjanjuk and I hear he was an expert on Jews."

The rage in Kyle's eyes became noticeable.

Kyle stated "well apparently my best friend has turned into a Nazi sympathizer. Well guess what I'm glad Ike got spanked and he even admits he deserved it. I'm sorry about your Grandpa Stan and it's obvious to me he had honor. Your honor or at least that's what you hope to be called I will no longer call you that. You're a judge who has become nothing but a corrupt piece of shit and I hope that you end up not a Judge in a real courtroom but a defendant in a courtroom being sentenced to death."

Kyle spits in Stan's face.

Stan is furious and he decides to give Kyle a speech of hatred.

"Well Kyle I hope that you find yourself not working as a lawyer like your dad or holding a doctor degree of any kind. I hope you find yourself on the State of Colorado's Registered Sex Offender's List. You seem to get off on the idea of your mom spanking your little brother."

Kyle yells "YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

Then Stan gets a major punch in the nose. Counselor Mackey comes in and suspends Kyle for two weeks.

After Kyle is removed from the little room where Stan gets to "play Judge" and hand out detentions Stan had to run to the nurse's office to clean up. At 3:30 he was back in business.

Butters was next on the list.

Butters approached Stan and admitted he was running in the cafeteria and knocked over Jimmy. He told Stan how sorry he was and accepted his detention.

Stan commented "I see your days of being Professor Chaos are over. The Coon holding cell had an impact on you."

Butters nods and smiles and then leaves with his detention slip.

Bebe comes in next and admits she's guilty of not doing her homework and accepts her detention slip.

Jimmy comes in and does a high five with Stan because Jimmy is almost always happy. Even if he is getting a detention for retaliating against Butters.

Bill came in followed by Fossy and they both laughed and called Stan "gay" when Stan gave them their detention slips.

Stan didn't care that Bill and Fossy called him "gay" since they were both seen by the entire school as being brain dead and essentially Beavis and Butthead clones.

The seventh person to come in was Craig Tucker. Stan handed Craig his detention. Craig said "I'm sorry about your Grandpa."

Stan smiled and then Craig flipped him off and walked out.

Token was the eighth to come in for his detention. Stan said "don't worry Token everyone is equal in my eyes."

Token said "oh that's what the hangman said in Blazing Saddles."

They both giggle and Stan hands Token his detention slip.

The ninth person on the list was Tweek.

When Stan handed Tweek his detention slip Tweek yelled "AHH WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE" but Stan grabbed him and told him to calm down. He instructed Tweek to breathe and spent two minutes scratching his back. Tweek calmed down to the best of his ability.

That last person on his list was Pete Melman and Stan wanted to handle this delicately as possible. Pete was in trouble for spitting in a boy's face who made fun of him for shitting in his pants.

When Pete entered the room he admitted what he did and said he understood why he was getting detention and had no desire to fight. In fact he admitted he was tired of fighting.

Stan and Pete started talking about how school and how Pete was adjusting since his accident.

Stan said "I laughed my ass off when I read it on Wikileaks and then when I got hurt I realized hey it sucks to be the victim of cyber bullying and compared to what you went through well you went through something worse than I did. It's worse to shit your pants than have the whole school call you a pervert."

Pete said "I think so to."

They laughed and then Pete said "my Grandma said I should have been paddled for messing myself in class and I gave her the finger. Luckily she's in a wheelchair so she couldn't chase me down and beat me."

Stan started to get angry.

Stan stated "my Grandpa was in a wheelchair since I was born and he just died. I don't care for elderly abuse."

Pete ran out the door and Stan chased him and when he grabbed him he threw him into a locker causing him to suffer a concussion. Then Stan grabbed Pete's arm and broke it.


Stan punched Pete in the ribs and left him on the floor. It was so hard for Pete to breathe and he became very dizzy. Pete thought he was going to die.


Stan gets a knock on his door.

He opens the door and sees the girl he loves deeply.

He exclaims "Wendy!"

Wendy is pissed and she says "my boyfriend has a warrant out for his arrest for beating up Pete Melman! I can't fucking believe it. You Stan are a bully."

Wendy slaps Stan across the face and leaves.

Randy later hands Stan an envelope. He opens it and it turns out there is a warrant out for his arrest for assault. He's in shock.

Randy says "Stan your mom and I would like to drive you to the police station. You may have to live somewhere else for a while."

Stan took off out the door. He ran as far as he could.

Eventually he got to Starks Pond where Mysterion jumped out of a tree.

"Stan I hope I can encourage you to surrender to me. I'll get you to the police station safely and quickly. You assaulted someone who was vulnerable Stan."

Stan starts to cry and he says "I know we got arrested in Japan and the FBI arrested us for music downloading and that fucking Guinea Pirate had us arrested but this is different. I mean I'm facing real time in a juvenile center now. Wendy dumped me and Kyle hates me."

Mysterion says "Stan let me be the one to take you in. You started off as a role model in school who would hand out detentions but with those detentions you gave words of advice on how students could better themselves. Then you took a downfall. Stan this is not going to go away. Let a friend be the one to calmly take you in. You can't run from the police and I have a pair of handcuffs with me. Let's make this easy because this has to happen."

Mysterion whips out a pair of handcuffs.

Stan looks at Kenny with his eyes full of tears.

He says "Kenny I may have to do real time in a juvenile center."

Mysterion says "Stan I'm not going to enjoy arresting you."

Stan starts backing off and Mysterion says "no if you try and run I'll come after you Stan. The police would come after you if you tried to run from them Stan it's not worth running. Just stop!"

Stan falls to his knees and says "alright" and he puts his hands on his head.

Mysterion walks over to Stan and says "I'm sorry about your Grandfather. I know this isn't easy. What you did to Pete was wrong. Stan Marsh my friend you are under arrest for assault. Stand up!"

Stan stands up as he's told.

Mysterion says "put your hands behind your back."

Stan says "yes Mysterion" and Mysterion slaps the handcuffs on Stan Marsh. Mysterion gave Stan a pat on the shoulder and said "easy my dear friend you'll get through this."

After Mysterion took Stan to the police he visited Kyle.

When he climbed up into Kyle's room he asked "how are you Kyle?"

Kyle answered sarcastically "well I just punched out a dear friend of mine and I feel horrible about that. I know Stan is going through a hard time but the things he said were so disgusting."

Kyle begins to cry.

Mysterion tells Kyle "you'll get through this Kyle."

Kyle then informs Mysterion the stress of the whole situation has caused him to have really bad gas. Kyle lets off one big fart and Mysterion yells "WHOA!"

Kyle says "I'll turn the fan on to air it out."

When Kyle turns the fan on the fan starts spinning so fast it flies off the ceiling into Mysterion and sends him flying out the window decapitating him. The street outside Kyle's house is one big river of blood.


Ike yells "YOU BASTARD!"

Stan spent the night in the Park County Juvenile Detention Center and when he saw the judge the judge made his ruling clear.

"You chased down a younger boy and beat him badly. You have been found to have engaged in delinquent activity and your victim is in the hospital. You will serve 30 days in lock up. After that six months probation, 500 hours of community service and 40 hours of anger management and you can wipe those tears off your face because I don't feel sorry for you."

Every night Stan slept in a cell alone he'd fall asleep to his pounding heart. School was inside a room with kids whom he didn't know and didn't want to know. He had to do his own laundry. When he ate in the cafeteria he was forced to be on silence.

When he was released after 30 days his probation period began.

When he showed up at school he ran to Kyle and said "I'm sorry."

Kyle grabbed him and hugged him tight.

Wendy walked up to him and asked "did you learn a lesson?"

Stan turned to Wendy and said "I have Wendy and do you still love me?"

Wendy says "I do" and all three children hug each other tight.

Stan would have to spend four hours in a soup kitchen after school and eight hours on weekends until his community service was finished. Stan would have to get anger management as well and serve all terms of probation but he was just happy to be back with his friends.

The End