A/N; -Crawls in slowly while making a pterodactyl screeching noise and sobbing* I HAVE FAILED YE ONCE AGAIN. I AM SO SORRY. I LOVE YOU ALL. –throws chapter at you and continues sobbing, scurries away*
Warning; This is a male x male fic, sexual themes are used, along with alcohol, rough language, physical/mental abuse, and slight rape-ish themes as well.
Disclaimer; I do not own any part of Bleach. All of it belongs to Tite Kubo.
The wind was cold outside, bitingly so.
It's the type of wind that you can feel building a frost inside of your bones, the type that demanded for any person braving the wind to return to the warm confines of their homes or at the very least the presence of a roaring fire.
Of course, that wasn't the reason why Shirosaki awoke.
Shooting up faster in a sitting position than he thought was physically possible, the demon felt his chest tighten with the breath he hadn't realized he was holding. Immediately, lily hands reached up to pat and press against his head where he could've sworn he felt the white hot prickling pain in his head, it felt like he had been stabbed clean through, or shot. Neat eyebrows knitted together in confusion when there was no wound to be found, not even a tender spot or bump of some sort.
He knew he felt that searing pain, but just what was it?
"Fuck" a quiet curse pierced the air as the memories of the night before slammed into the albino like a train going at full speed, everything was becoming crystal clear now.
Thoughts twisted and churned in Shiro's head like restless waves, sloshing against his consciousness and pounding right against it. Sweat collected on a lily brow, and shivers wrecked throughout his body as if a fever was racing through his veins; threatening to burn anything down that was in its way. And this sinking feeling slowly but surely eating away at his stomach and his insides and leaving a bloody trail behind.
He had attacked and basically raped Ichigo.
A set of pearly white teeth gritted together in frustration as Ichigo stubbed his toe and nearly fell flat on his face for was seemed like the millionth time along his path. The ginger's hands rubbed gingerly as the shoe covered appendage before taking off again, his breaths coming out in ragged gasps.
He remembered everything.
Coming home slightly tipsy from the beverages that Grimmjow had provided to find Shirosaki sleeping, he remembered petting him for a while until the albino woke up suddenly. He remembers the harsh words they exchanged, the possessiveness of Shirosaki's moves, his own retorts, the defiance and anger.
Bile rose up in Ichigo's throat to burn hot in his mouth as tears stung his eyes. By sheer will, the redhead was able to will both the vomit and the tears away as he continued his desperate pace in the chilling wind. He had to talk to someone, it couldn't be Grimmjow though; the man would probably get his panties in a bunch and hunt Shirosaki down, he'd more than likely try to kill him.
A visible shiver coursed through Ichigo's body before stopping at his childhood park to take in every emotion that was pounding through his mind and being, in. He didn't stay long though, for the memories were too raw and venomous, so the redhead headed off in a direction that was opposite to the blue haired deviant, someone who he also could count on.
It is disgusting. Ugly. Filthy. Atrocious. Just straight up the nastiest thing I had ever seen before.
I frowned before turning my head away from that godforsaken mirror that Ichigo had in his room for no goddamn reason. He never used it anyways, always chose to use the bathroom one, so what the fuck's the point anyways?!
Grimacing, I stumbled over to the drawer to retrieve a pair of heather grey skinny jeans and a light weight black sweater that actually belonged to Ichigo with his trade mark '15' printed on the front in yellow print. I could make out shuffling about in the kitchen so I figured it had to be Ichigo getting something to eat. Bugs crawled about under my skin and tightened my insides as I thought of how his fucking reaction it would be when I got down there, I mean, I had to right?
I bit my lip and scratched at the flesh of my forearm before heading down the stairs and walking into the kitchen. It sounded as if someone was frying something greasy on the stovetop; more than likely western styled bacon or ham. I cleared my cotton balled throat (when did it get so hard to talk?) and walked in.
"Yo, Ichi. I know last night was… not what you were expecting but listen—"
I stopped and stared as I was met with the same big, innocent brown eyes as Ichigo but instead of a head of orange hair, I was looking down at a perplexed Yuzu, who was donning an apron with a strawberry on the corner of the delicate pink fabric it was made of and was holding her spatula down by her side.
"Oh uh.. Hey, Zu" I tired acting cool but with each second that passed by I could feel a splitting migraine coming on and that familiar itch to go find Ichigo creeping up my neck like some killer breathing down my neck.
"Good morning!~ Would you like some breakfast Shi-nii?" Yuzu's demeanor snapped back to its factory settings before she turned back to the stovetop to flip the sizzling mean on the pan over, being careful not to burn it.
"Erm, nah thanks. Do ya know where Ichigo has gone off to though?"
She thought about it for a second before turning to me again, but this time her mouth opened and closed shut like she stopped what she was going to say, her mind halting all thought processes. I cocked my head to the side, irritated and confused before nutmeg eyes widened in confusion and unfamiliarity; Yuzu was blatantly staring at me, and it was kinda sorta really fucking creepy.
Time seemed like it had gone on standstill or some shit as the kid looked at him as if she had never seen before, her eyes spelled nothing but disbelief, but despite that she did not move an inch. We stood for another few minutes before her glossed over eyes blinked then her chirping voice rang out again, like we didn't have a fucking 5 minute staring contest that she initiated out of fucking nowhere.
"Hmm, can't say I know, I think he was going to a friend's house though!~ Although I find it really rude that he didn't wanna bring you with him—"
"Yah thanks Yuzu!"
I nearly slipped from running to the front door and losing my footing on the carpet, I sneered at the material before reaching for my slip on Docs until..
"What tha fuck..?"
I breathed and stared at my foot before slipping on my shoe, well, more like at the ground that was underneath it.
My foot looked transparent, almost like a fog that wasn't completely translucent, but I could clearly see the wooden floor I was currently stepping on. My head swam as I regained my balance on the heel of my other foot, I felt fucking sick with this headache coming back. Quickly, I shoved my shoe on before I could get sick all over the floor and almost broke down the door running outside, carrying the other shoe in tow and trying my damnedest to pull it on while running at the same time.
That shit didn't work out to well, as my bruised nose now demonstrates.
I snarled internally as I thought about all the shit that had been happening lately, all of its weird as hell but and I'm sure it's all connected, but why though?
'My body seems to be… Weakening, I feel helpless as a fuckin kitten… I'm barely hanging on right now..'
And it was completely true, I had only ran maybe a block or two in a hurried daze and my breath was already coming out in short, choppy breaths. My head and chest were pounding and my knees quivery, and I sure as hell didn't know if it was because I was panicking, or because my body was really going through some type of shut down or some shit. It didn't matter, I kept running.
'Wait… Where tha fuck AM I supposed to go?'
I stopped for a moment after a while to just look around at where I was. I only recognized it as a crossing a few blocks down from the coffee shop I worked at, I really didn't fucking know where I was going at this point. It was then that I just started realizing that it was so damn cold, and it was also my fault considering the fact at this point I was only wearing the thin black sweater with denim and my docs. I felt the cold seeping into my bones and gripping with their chilly fingers. I looked toward the coffee shop and began to stride towards it quickly. I huffed quietly once I entered and took once last biting glare outside.
"Hello!~ Welcome to Café Tart! What can I get started for you today?"
My eyebrows rose at the high pitched (and slightly annoying voice) coming from the front counter. I stepped quickly towards the ever so eccentric Urahara on his shift. I gave an uncomfortable grin to not make too much of a show, all I wanted to do was ask my manager if he had seen Ichi, and check in the back if there was an extra jacket I had left in the lounge area.
"Hey Urahara, what's up?" I heard myself mumble.
The blond looked at me with inquisitive eyes as his grin faded, he cocked his head to the side before looking down at his chest as if looking for something, and looking back at me with his steely eyes even more confused.
This was beginning to confuse me and irritate me more. "What?" I bit out a little more aggressively than I had hoped.
"Uh well.. It's nothing sir, I just wonder how you knew my name like that without my nametag, haha."
And his familiar grin was back.
"Cut it out Urahara, you're creeping me out. Have you seen Ichi?"
"Ichigo Kurosaki? Oh! Are you a friend of his?~ Such a nice boy, a little quiet but his father was—"
I stopped him before he continued rambling, because I knew he could and he would if given the chance, but I mostly did it because—
"STOP ACTING LIKE YA DON'T KNOW ME!"
Urahara's mouth immediately shut closed as he flinched visibly, as he had been slapped. I rolled my eyes before passing him and heading towards the break room in search of a jacket or a sweater or SOMETHING that might shield the cold that could freeze hell over.
"Sir! Wait you aren't allowed to go back there! That's only for employees only!"
I could hear my manager's warning call behind me. I have had enough of it. I turned on my heel sharply before snarling sharply at the blond that was currently making his way over to where I was. Another worker here, this blond kid Tesla, was now managing the counter and looking curiously over to the scene I was making.
"DAMNIT I DO WORK HERE, I'M TRYIN TA FIND SOMEONE AND YER NOT MAKIN IT ANY EASIER FOR ME"
I felt my heart freeze in my chest along with my limbs before I could touch the doorknob; I felt a strong and painful grip on my arm pulling me away from the lounging area.
"Sir, you need to leave,"
A small shiver traveled its way down my spine at the sound of the dark tone Kisuke's voice had taken before I felt his strong hands pulling me away from the door I was trying to get to, and instead push me towards the exit doors. I desperately tried to keep my feet planted on the floor but I only kept sliding along the polished floors, my face began to grow hot as I realized many curious eyes of the people in the coffee house were on me, I must've looked like a bratty child not wanting to leave the candy store or some shit.
"Urahara please! Cut it out! Hey if this is because of me missing my shift this morning I'm sorry bu— OOF"
My face was pressed against the cold glass of the door forcefully as Urahara was now trying to push me out of the café. It was so goddamn embarrassing that I couldn't even help but yell in this situation.
"KISUKE I'M SORRY, FUCK JUST STOP PUSHING ME..!"
The pushing stopped and I dared to peek behind my shoulder to meet cloud gray eyes staring at me as if I were an object he had found in the most unlikely of places. His arms dropped by his sides like some sort of damn robot while his eyes remained unblinking. I rubbed my sore arm and turned to face him with a sneer on my mouth and my fists ready by my sides; just in case.
"Ah Shiro san!~"
"You've got ta be kidding me."
A confused looked passed the blond's face before turning into another curious look, but the smile stayed. "Ahh, didn't think I wouldn't realized you were late for your shift, did you? What time is it?"
"uhh." I checked my watch. "almost noon."
He seemed taken aback and chuckled almost nervously. "Ma, really? I could've sworn it was only around 7 last time I checked.. So I suppose it's too late anyways, oh well. Just don't let it happen again!"
I almost unhinged my jaw from how low it dropped; I stared at the man incredulously. "Uhh.. Yeah sure, ok."
"Good!" he turned away as he waved his hand dismissively and walked towards the counter again with Tesla, who seemed to be out of his shell-shocked state as well and was ringing up another customer.
"So, what are you doing here then, Shiro-san? Pay day isn't for another few days."
Cautiously, I walked to the counter again; the customers that were seated all around had long ago stopped paying attention to the spectacle. "I had asked you if you had seen where Ichi was or if he stopped in, remember?"
The blond busied himself by making a medium hot chocolate before looking at me with this doofy-ass look on his face again. "What are you talking about Shi? I don't remember such thing. When was this?~"
Ok. Now I was getting kind of annoyed. "Urhara, ya nearly shoved me out the door when I tried going into the lounge and ya started talking about Isshin as if ya didn't remember I lived with the Kurosakis!"
Urahara simply set the pot of plain coffee he was holding back down and blew his cheeks out in annoyance, and put his hands on his hips mockingly.
"Shiro, you aren't taking any of those hallucinatory drugs are you? You know they do affect your brain cells and CAN leave you brain-dead if you're not careful!"
I only gaped like an idiot at my more-than-usual idiot of a manager. It could've have been just an illusion. All of that, all of it, just happened. The questions, the pushing and shoving, the heavy glances of the customers sitting around, the slight throb that came from Urahara's grip on my shoulder that quietly burned at this moment.
It wasn't just an illusion.
"By the way Shi-san. I think you left a sweater inside of the lounge from one of your past shifts last week!~ Better collect it, it seems incredibly chilly outside right now!"
I could only blink at this point. What else am I supposed to do?
Indigo eyes looked at me scolding yet apologetically as a dainty hand smacked my hand away from the tumbler. I felt a scowl coming on before looking sharply at the petite face of one of my oldest best friends. Rukia had always gotten me, from my quiet tendencies to my occasional burst of gay flamboyancy (let me repeat, occasional).
She had even believed me when I told her about Shiro before he had manifested into a real person.
Grimmjow himself hadn't really believed me when I confessed to him that I had been hearing whispers, and seeing gold and black eyes, and laughed it off telling me that we just needed to get laid and get drunk more often. But I could definitely see the familiarity in his eyes that one day when he saw Shiro, although I don't think he still fully believes all of it.
"Jus' one more Rukia, please?"
She skipped a beat before sighing defeated, and I almost had to hush myself before I whooped in relief at the raven hesitantly pouring me another shot of some type of dark liquor that burned my throat like medicinal alcohol mixed with acid. The physical feeling itself made my throat clench and ache in protest but emotionally it was causing me to melt and slowly become numb. The Kuchiki manor always had the good shit lying around.
I felt so contradicted; so dirty yet relieved from sexual tension that had been pent up in my body. I could not deny to ven myself that I had always been a sort of masochist, I loved the way Shiro's nails could rake over my skin and cause the flesh to raise and redden from the harsh treatment. I loved waking up with bruises on my hips and neck, turning a deep shade of purple and even greenish. I loved the feel of his unusually sharp canines nearly puncturing my neck as they scraped desperately, looking for purchase before my boyfriend himself released into me which ultimately, led to my own sweet bliss.
I groaned and allowed my head to drop down to the dining table Rukia and I were sitting at with a satisfying 'thunk'.
I felt myself harden ever so little just from the thought of the rough treatment the albino was able to deliver onto my body; it was his canvas for painting the way he would like to.
Except for the way he did yesterday.
I turned my head to face Rukia and looked up at big, understanding violet orbs. I felt my own eyes welling up hot from the feeling of utter helplessness I had felt in the long hours, and yet the way my own body betrayed me but greedily taking every inch Shiro offered me, every push and pull. Hot tears silently tracked down my cheeks and I looked down ashamed at the dark, glossed wood of the dining table. I felt small fingers wiping the tears away before being pulling up forcefully and pushed into Rukia's chest for her to console me. I scrambled against her arms slightly in a slight panic from the sudden physical contact, clawing at her body and trying to breathe once again as I felt myself closing in, and we both broke away from the short lived hug. The raven held her hands up in apology as her eyes screamed for forgiveness at doing that so suddenly,
And I felt like such a dick for it because she had nothing to be sorry about.
I openly burst into unmanly, unruly sobs and slid off from the chair onto the ground, I held my face with my hands and quickly felt them moistening from my breaths and my tear tracks.
"i-I'm s-s-so sorry Ru-Rukia!..."
That's what I think it sounded like, but honestly it had to have been more jumbled then that. I felt her kneel down beside me and cooing softly and gently touching my shoulder to get my attention without frightening me any further. My heart rate sped up considerably, but I didn't necessarily feel panicked, I looked up at her and was surprised to see Rukia on the brink of tears herself, those giant eyes moistening as they locked on me with great sorrow.
"No Ichigo, I'm so sorry.. I should've…. I should've not done that.. I don't want to scare you, oh kami I'm so sorry..!"
My heart ached at how my best friend's voice was strained in the middle of her apology from holding back her own tears, her lip constantly worrying into her lip to stop herself. I felt even more sobs wracking through my body at the sincerity of it, and felt thankful to have her in my life to hold me up this way.
"Ichigo, please, let me hold you for a little bit, you can cry all you'd like, I won't stop you. Is that alright..?"
I heard the meekness of her whisper, and the hesitation as to not scare me. I felt so fucking weak, but I couldn't help it even if I had tried to be macho and brush it off. I nodded slowly but kept my head downcast, I held my arms open wide like I used to with my mom before she died whenever I had fallen off the swing or hurt myself playing sports, my arms trembled slightly.
Rukia gently gathered as much of me as she possibly could in her tiny arms, gently this time, before she began to rock me gently back and forth. I sobbed harder than I ever had done before into her shoulder, the Kuchiki mansion seemed filled to the brim by my agonized sobs despite the fact it was currently only Rukia and I there, the rest of her family was out of town. The emotions spilling out wouldn't seem to stop as they crashed mercilessly into my heart and into my mind; I was so conflicted and so torn that I wasn't sure where I stood anymore, I'm pretty sure I wasn't even standing anymore but rather falling. Why was Shirosaki being so awful, so aggressive and biting? Why is my heart hurting so bad for someone that clearly doesn't care? But then again, why did he get jealous because I was at Grimmjow's house? Hasn't he already made it clear that he doesn't want me around? Do I really want to fight that? Why did that feel so good yet makes me sick to the core thinking about it?
Why is he even still here?
I allowed my mind to quietly calm down before realizing that I had stopped crying finally and I was just hiccupping softly.
'Throat finally got too sore' I figured bitterly.
I opened my puffy eyes to also realize that I was still leaning against Rukia's shoulder and she was still waiting for me patiently, petting my hair and whispering soft things that didn't actually make any sense but were still cmforting anyways. I smiled slightly despite the dull ache in my chest and instead of gipping desperately to her form, I hugged her tentatively. She seemed a bit taken aback but surely enough hugged back with relief that I had initiated the contact.
I quickly became too uncomfortable from the closeness and shakily pulled away; a quick flash of hurt crossed Rukia's face before it was replaced by understanding.
"Thank you Rukia. I didn't mean to—"
"Please, Ichigo you know I love you like a brother, and it kills me to see you so broken.. I feel useless in a situation like this, because I know you won't let me kill him." she muttered darkly.
I could only chuckle meekly because if Rukia said something, she probably would try and get that specific thing done. She was more walk than talk; she had always been that way. And I could only imagine all the ways she could off the albino with it looking like an accident.
I cleared my throat and stood up before padding over to the kitchen sink slowly and turning on the tap, I washed my face all over, including my puffy eyes and red cheeks before I heard Rukia again behind me clear her throat softly from the dining room.
I hoped to kami she wasn't about to say what I think she was about to say. "mm?" I dried off my face and tried to keep my voice from quivering.
"… You know you have to let him go right? Forget about Shirosaki?"
And there it was.
I slowly turned to her and kept my eyes on the floor.
"I don't know how to do that."
"You're going to have to."
I hesitated and damned my voice for being so weak. It took several seconds to answer back with a firm answer that still seemed broken beyond belief, and yet it brought more joy out of me than what it should have.
I stopped my running before I stepped into the area of the apartment complexes in front of me and felt my body freeze and my eyes widen with an unknown fear that gripped onto my heart tightly like a vice grip.
"Don't… Please just DON'T forget about me…"
I shook my head and blinked in confusion at the sudden outburst; there was no one outside in this cold fuckin weather, so I don't even know who I could've been talking to.
Doesn't matter right now.
I went up the stairs in anticipation before knocking on the door of apartment #609 impatiently. I snarled to myself but kept it quiet when I heard the resounding sound of footsteps behind the door.
'Here goes nothin'
The door opened. I met a pair of frozen blue orbs and a maniac grimace that spelt murder in 20 different languages. My own mouth curved downwards. Fists clenched simultaneously. The temperature dropped several more degrees yet at the same time broke through the roof. I was scared.
"Oh, I've been waiting for you, Shirosaki."
"Grimmjow, always a blast."
OH MY KAMI. I'M NOT EVEN GONNA GIVE EXCUSES BECAUSE I SUCK SO HARD ;;-;; I even got a message a few months ago asking when I was going to update, and I answered that it would be "probably this week! " and ugh I feel so bad I lied so hard but it's not like I tried to I'm so sorryyyy please I'm sorry! I'm not gonna lie, I did redo this fucking chapter so many times, I scrapped and re-scrapped it a million times it was hard to just LIKE it. ANYWAYS. Now I feel like I know what I'm gonna do next, and I graduated a few months ago! So I'm a bit happier and more confident, so these chapters should be getting better in terms of buildup rather than being a steaming pile of crap. So thank you all for being so patient with me. I apologize so hard. So review, message me, ask questions, keep me posted, and find me on tumblr (shiropantera), I'm getting started on the new chapter right now. (Bt dubs the chapter's name is definitely from a song by Sleeping With Sirens3)
-Your humble Servant,