a/n: hello you beautiful people you (: so this a/n is pretty important so I would recommend you read it haha. Alright so after much consideration, thinking, and discussion with my good friend Laura I've decided that… I'm going to start wrapping things up with this story. My goal is to get to thirty chapters and then an epilogue, so I need to go back to the drawing board with that and just tie up any and all loose ends and then well… in the words of the tagline for Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part 2: "It All Ends Here" (okay not HERE but SOON). Oooh, okay yeah that's it for this a/n, I hope you all enjoy (: I don't own anything.
When you're caught in a lie, and you've got nothing to hide, when you've got nowhere to run, and you've got nothing inside. It tears right through me, you thought that you knew me, you thought that you knew. I'm not perfect but I keep trying cause that's what I said I would do from the start. I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave. Was it something I said or just my, just myself? - Hedley, "Perfect"
Carlos was awoken by the feeling like his body was being flung up into the air, and then dropped back down abruptly. Groaning, he opened his eyes and rolled over onto his side, seeing James rather close to him, the widest smile on his face that Carlos has seen in a while. "You're up!" the brunette exclaimed happily, pressing down on Carlos' mattress while he jumped up and down, making Carlos bounce a little bit and he then realized what the flying and falling feeling was caused by.
"Obviously thanks to you," Carlos said tiredly with a chuckle, stifling a yawn.
Kendall shook his head from the chair he was seated in. "I told James to let you sleep," he said. "He was just too excited."
"Excited?" Carlos asked, looking from Kendall to James. "Excited about what?"
James' smile grew, if that was even possible, and he resumed his jumping. "You're going home today!" he cried gleefully.
Carlos' eyebrows knitted together, and then moments later his eyes went wide. "I do?!" he sat up immediately, all traces of pain gone, and his legs dangled off of the edge of his bed, swinging back and forth excitedly.
Kendall nodded, looking like he wasn't going to be able to contain his excitement anymore than James could. "When we got here for your visit, we talked to your doctor and he said you're getting discharged as soon as you're awake," as soon as he finished saying that, James seemed to remember what the doctor had told them and he, more or less, punched the call button repeatedly. Kendall laughed. "Calm down, they're going to think he's having a seizure or something," he told the brunette, gently pulling his arm away.
"I'm sorry, I'm just excited!" James explained, the smile never leaving his face. "It feels like you've been in here for forever, and now you're well enough to go home!"
Carlos' smile was just as wide at James' - his joy was just contagious, as if going home didn't make him happy enough, the fact that James was so happy right now made him feel like he could do anything right now. "Finally!" he sighed happily. "I'm so ready to go home,"
At that moment the phrase "perfect timing" couldn't have been more accurate as Carlos' doctor entered his room, pushing a wheelchair. The three boys had never been more ecstatic to see a wheelchair in their lives. "Oh good, you're awake," he smiled at Carlos. "Your parents are signing all of your paperwork; you're free to leave whenever you're ready,"
"Now! He's ready now!" James blurted out, practically picking up Carlos and dropping him into the chair.
"Calm down, James, you don't want to break him," Kendall laughed, taking over the wheelchair because he had visions of James running down the hospital hallways, ultimately harming himself and Carlos. "The idea is to get him out of the hospital, not make sure he'll stay."
"Okay, okay," James said, backing away just slightly after making sure Carlos was secure in his wheelchair. After his doctor had said the stereotypical, "I hope I won't see you again," the three of them said their goodbyes and thank yous, and with that, they were on their way out of the hospital.
"So we've got a few things to tell you," Kendall started as he pushed Carlos down the hall and towards the elevator.
Carlos squinted at him. "Is the outside world any different than before?" he asked.
Kendall chuckled. "No, dopey." he replied. "We have a therapy appointment tomorrow, and since you're discharged now you can join us."
"Oh lucky me," Carlos replied, only somewhat sarcastically. It wasn't that he minded going to therapy, because he really didn't. He liked the group sessions with the boys and Dr. Shipman, and he liked his one-one-one sessions where he could just talk about himself and his feelings. But he knew that once tomorrow came, Dr. Shipman would most likely want to talk about how he tried to kill himself, and Carlos wasn't sure if he was ready to talk about it yet. He also wasn't sure if he was ready to tackle everything Kendall and James were going through while he was in the hospital - especially since they were both so happy right now. He didn't want to bring them down.
"And then school," Kendall added hesitantly. "Um, we talked to your parents and you don't have to go Monday if you aren't ready,"
Carlos just nodded wordlessly. He had so many burning thoughts and questions but they would all have to wait until therapy tomorrow.
"So," Dr. Shipman asked the three of them at their next therapy session. "How have the three of you been?"
"How much time do you have?" James joked.
Dr. Shipman smiled gently at him. "Well, Carlos, it's been a while since I've seen you last," she said, focusing her attention on the Latino boy. "How are you doing?"
"Better," Carlos admitted, because he really was feeling better lately.
"Well, let's catch up," Dr. Shipman prompted him. "Tell me, how you were feeling the day you were hospitalized."
Carlos sighed heavily, looking down at his hands, twitching in his lap. He was afraid she would ask this. "I was feeling… alone," he said quietly. "Kendall and James kept fighting with each other and I felt invisible to them. Like I didn't matter. I know that's not true," he added quickly, sensing that Kendall and James probably felt terrible hearing him say that. "I just… it was how I felt. When I got home that day it just sort of… felt like the thing I needed to do." he finished up awkwardly, wringing his hands together.
"What do you mean, the thing you needed to do?" Linda asked him.
Carlos shrugged, feeling slightly uncomfortable. "I… I think I know how Logan felt when he killed himself," he said quietly. "When he said that he hated himself because that's kind of how I felt. I felt like I just wasn't good enough anymore, and I just… I wanted to end it all." The room was silent for a moment and then he added, "Thank God my mom came home when she did though,"
"Amen to that," James muttered, looking down at his lap. "Seriously, Los, I don't… I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Yeah, me either." Kendall agreed, then turned to face Carlos. "We love you man. And we know we screwed up, but we really do love you and we'd be lost without you."
James clapped a hand on Carlos' shoulder. "We already buried one friend," he whispered. "We don't want to have to bury another."
Carlos bit his lip, but nodded in understanding. "I'm sorry guys,"
"Don't be sorry for how you felt," Kendall told him.
"Kendall's right," Dr. Shipman cut in. "You should never be sorry for how you feel - any of you. And it's definitely good that you three are getting those feelings out in the open now," Dr. Shipman said. "And it's come to my attention that one of you has been having trouble expressing how he's feeling lately?"
Kendall raised his hand sheepishly. "Guilty."
Linda nodded. "Anything you want to talk about, Kendall?"
The blonde boy sighed heavily, leaning back in his seat. "It's… kind of hard to explain," he started. "I kind of have some problems with myself, I guess? I don't know," he sighed again. "I just want to help everyone and fix everyone but I can't even fix myself."
"What do you mean by that?" she asked him.
"I'm just so… I feel so done with myself sometimes." he explained. "Because I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough, like I can't help the people that I need to. And it sucks because on top of everything that's been going on with us lately, I hate feeling like this."
"So what makes you feel like this Kendall?" Dr. Shipman inquired. "What makes you feel like you have to be the one who fixes everything?"
"He's always been like that," James answered, his voice quiet and hesitant. All eyes were on him as he spoke. "For as long as any of us can remember, Kendall's been the leader. He's always been able to solve any problem that came our way, he was always able to fix anything that was broken-"
"Except for us," Kendall interrupted, biting his bottom lip. "When we had that huge fight and stopped being friends, I couldn't fix us then. When you told us about your dad and that you cut yourself, I couldn't fix you then. When Carlos tried to kill himself, I couldn't fix him then."
Carlos wrapped his arm around Kendall's shoulders. "But you are fixing things, Kendall." he insisted. "You're helping us get better everyday."
"You got me out of my house and away from my dad," James told him. "And I promise you both, I haven't cut myself in a long time. Carlos is right; you are fixing us."
"You've got to stop selling yourself short, buddy," Carlos added. "Seriously, you're better than you're making yourself sound."
"Thanks, but it doesn't feel that way," Kendall muttered. "I feel like a failure."
"So then let us help you," James insisted. "You shouldn't have to make yourself go through any of this alone."
"The fact that you're here in my office shows that you're willing to let yourself be helped, Kendall." Dr. Shipman told him. "Your friends are right; you're worth being fixed yourself."
Kendall's heart clenched a little hearing them all say that; it reminded him of what Logan said to him. Hopefully one day soon he would believe it.
"What about you, James?" Dr. Shipman asked the brunette boy, shifting her attention to the third boy. "How have you been doing?"
"Better lately," James told her. "Uh, I've been out of my house for a few days and I've been staying with Kendall."
"Care to share why?" Dr. Shipman pressed.
James licked his lips nervously. "Uh my dad and I weren't getting along," he explained hesitantly. "And Kendall didn't think it was a healthy environment for me to be in," he said slowly, not wanting to admit that he was being abused.
"What do you mean by that?" Linda inquired.
James shifted uncomfortably. "He just… he always knew how to make me feel like I wasn't the perfect son." he told her. "And Kendall didn't want me to be around that, especially with everything I've been going through with Logan's death and all, so I'm staying at his house."
Dr. Shipman nodded. "Has your guys' fighting gotten better?"
"We rarely fight anymore," Kendall told her. "I think Carlos getting sent to the hospital really opened our eyes."
James nodded in agreement. "He's always there when I need him, and he makes me feel better." he told her. "And now that Carlos is out of the hospital, I know he'll be there too. Which is nice, because it's nice knowing they're both there when I need a shoulder to cry on or something." his cheeks flushed at his last few words, but nobody made fun of him for being corny.
Dr. Shipman smiled at that. "It's like I told you guys the first time we met," she said. "Nobody will understand what you're going through other than all of you, and no matter what, you'll always have each other."
Their appointment was coming to an end, and Dr. Shipman gave them an assignment; she wanted them to write Logan a letter, telling him anything and everything they wished they could tell him. She said that the letters could be private, or they could discuss them at their next meeting but she told them that it would be good for them to do it.
They boys agreed with her, deciding that it couldn't hurt to do that, and as they were rising from their seats to leave her office, Dr. Shipman stopped them. "May I say one more thing before you guys go?" They nodded and she told them, "I've noticed you all said something about not feeling good enough, or not being perfect during this meeting. And well, the things is, no one's perfect. And you guys shouldn't feel like you have to try to be. Especially when you have friends like the three of you; friends who accept and love you for who you are. Think about that guys."
The boys went silent, taking in her words, realizing that what she told them was true. They had each other, and they would always have each other.
a/n 2: PS - i made some nice little fanart to go along with this story :) check it out on my tumblr: rightonsweetie . tumblr post/39584475150 (no spaces obviously) and yeah, if you have a tumblr you can like or reblog it if you wanna haha!