Authors Note: The music for this chapter is "The Reason" by Hoobastank. Enjoy.
"What is the use of having all these supernatural...People here if we can't find one fucking person?"
The pained agony in Jacob's voice fallowed behind him as he threw the back door to the Cullen mansion open and stomped into the back yard. The house full of Vampires watched as Jacob exploded into brown fur just beyond the tree line. A heartbreaking howl could be herd for miles, but as all the Wolves stood in the Cullen house, they knew there was no danger.
My feet pounded in a broken rhythm against the forest floor as I ran. Two weeks had passed and Nessie, was still gone. All of the Cullen's money and contacts proved to be fruitless. Nessie, was out there somewhere and she didn't want to be found. Not one word for a whole two weeks and I was close to losing his mind. Edward, and Bella, looked at me with pity and I wanted to hate them for it, but I couldn't. Nessie, was their daughter and a member of my pack had driven her away.
I ran until I reached the spot that Nessie, had sat on the forest floor. The place that Leah had spilled all my secrets in. The very same place that I laid every single night, just so I could smell her scent again. As I found the exact spot where my love had sat, I phased and lay down on my back. The stars were bright against the dark sky, as tears slipped down the sides of my face. I found himself once again wishing to any God who would listen that Nessie, would come home.
As much as I wanted to be angry with Nessie, for taking off like she did, I couldn't. Leah, may have spilled all my secrets, but it was my fault for keeping them to begin with. I knew she would find out one day, I didn't expect it to be the day of our wedding. Granted I should have told her before I ever purposed, but I was afraid something like this would happen. Edward, and Bella, agreed that she needed to hear everything eventually, but it just wasn't time. Leah, clearly didn't agree.
The day Seth, turned up at the Cullen house and told us what Leah, had done I was livid. I wanted to run to La Push and strangle her, but only the calming influence of Jasper kept me from doing so. Sam, promised me that he would punish her after we found Nessie. Two weeks later Nessie, was still gone and Leah, was ordered not to phase and banned from coming to Forks. The reason for Leah's, betrayal was unclear. The only thing she would say was that Nessie, deserved to know the truth. She was right of course, but she deserved to find out from me or maybe her parents. What she didn't deserve was to have Leah, throw everything in her face without letting us explain.
Nessie, needed to know that I loved her. She needed to know that even though I wanted to kill her when she was a baby, that I don't think I could have actually gone through with it. She needed to know that I thought her mother was already dead. And, yes I had loved her mother at one time, but I don't have those feeling anymore. I just hoped that I got that chance.
As the sky began to lighten again, I stood to my feet and slowly made my way back toward the Cullen house. It had became my routine the last two weeks, I needed to feel close to her and so every night I would lay in the last place she had been. The loneliness was getting to me. Panic and grief were my daily emotions. I needed Nessie. I needed to hold her again, to smell her, to feel her. I don't care what the Wolf imprint means, I didn't feel complete when she wasn't here with me. The strange part was...I could feel her. I could feel that she was in pain, and I could even feel the anger. Carlisle, thinks I feel her because of my imprint. The elders on the rez agree.
I don't really care what anyone thinks. I just want her back. I wanted her to be my wife, and to spend out lives together. Edward, and Bella, are beside themselves with worry. For the first week they just held each other, but as the first week turned into two-they began to snap at each other. Bella, pretty much never left Nessie's, room. She curled herself into a ball on Nessie's, bed an refused to speak to anyone. Edward, tried to comfort her sometimes, but she didn't want comfort. She didn't want to be touched. So Edward, spent most of his time playing his piano.
As the house came into view, I phased back and slipped into the clothes that Alice, had left for me outside the back door. Just like every morning, Edward, sat at his piano playing a soft melody. Carlisle, was most likely in his office trying to find another lead. Emmett, Jasper, and Alice, sat in the lounge watching some news channel with the volume turned way down. Rosalie, was probably in the garage tinkering with one of the cars. Esme, was of course in the kitchen cooking for the pack members who hadn't left to patrol. I bypassed them all and walked upstairs to my room. It used to be the guest room, but I moved my stuff in once Nessie, and I got engaged. I didn't really have much stuff, just a few clothes and a stereo. On the night stand were the keys to my motor cycle and my cell phone. That was pretty much it for my belongings. It was just nice to have a space in the house where I could go to be alone.
Flopping down on the bed, I rolled over onto my back and stared at the ceiling. I hadn't slept in a couple days and it was starting to catch up to me. My eye lids were getting heavier the more I tried to keep them open. I had just given up the fight with my eyelids and let them close, when the phone on the night stand started to vibrate. My eyes refused to open again as my arm slowly reached for the phone. My thumb pried the flip phone open and with my eyes still closed, and sleep just on the cusp, I answered.
"...ello?" My voice was barely a whisper.
My eyes flew open so fast the room spun. My body flew into a sitting position and my heart thundered against my ribcage.
"Nessie," I almost shouted into the phone. "Is that you?"
"Yes, it's me."
"I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it."
Pacing back and forth in my hotel room, I fought with myself. After finally deciding to call Jacob, I was losing my nerve.
Two weeks away from my family and Jacob, has been the hardest time of my life. I spend most days either crying my eyes out, or so angry that my body shook with rage. Most days the only sound I hear is the roar of the engine. I can't bare to turn on the radio. The silence at times can get lonely, but mostly it's just comforting. The silence gives me time to think, to go over every part of my life and try and figure out what was a lie and what was actually true.
I have been told since birth that I was a miracle child. Lie. Clearly by 'miracle' they meant a demon child who almost killed my mother. What child break's their mother's bones? What child makes her human mother drink blood? I don't know how she even looks at me. I forced my father to change her into a vampire. My father has showed me nothing but love since birth, even though obviously it wasn't always that way. From the moment my father found out about me, he never wanted me. It hurts a lot to know that, but can I really blame him? Having something inside the love of your life that was slowly killing her, would make me feel the same way.
I can't ever remember a time without Jacob. When I was a child, I remember thinking of him as one of my fun uncles. I had a lot of them. Some were cold and pale, some were hot to the touch and tan. I loved them all, but Jacob, was always front and center. His smile made me happy and I was sad when he wasn't there. As I matured into my "Teen" years, my feelings for Jacob began to change. I began to notice his body, and every time he smiled or winked at me I began to blush. My heart would skip a beat every time he walked into the room.
I tried to fight my feelings at first. He was my, Jacob. Then one day things changed. We were walking on the beach one day and for some reason it felt awkward. Jacob, only had shorts on and his chest gleamed from the sun. His chest was a beautiful dark bronze color and for some reason I couldn't keep my eyes away from him. He caught me a couple times and would send me a knowing smile. I blushed and looked away, but as Jacob, took my hand and threaded his fingers with mine, our palms pressed together, I knew something was different.
This was when Jacob, should have told me everything. He should have told me about his relationship with my mother. He should have told me about the imprint. Jacob, took my hand and led me to a fallen log on the beach and asked me what I was feeling. He never once laughed at me, as I told him that I liked him more like a boyfriend, then a friend. He told me that I was beautiful and that he had feelings for me too. It was the day we shared our first kiss. It was magical and perfect...and a complete lie.
Whenever I try to think about Jacob, being in love with my mother, my brain totally shuts down. I can't even...remotely understand it. It's one thing to know that your fiance was once in love with someone else, its a whole other thing to know that person is your mother. It's just...Frankly, its just gross and I can't...I just can't.
Two weeks of driving with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company and I was going a little crazy. The freedom was wonderful, and the sights were beautiful, but nothing could take the place of my family. And even though I knew Jacob, and I were over, it didn't stop me from missing him. I still loved him, and I hated myself for that. I missed my parents even though I know I don't deserve too. I have caused them enough pain and now I just want them to be happy. I missed them all so much it physically ached.
I was half way across the state of Nebraska before I decided I would call Jacob one last time, just to say goodbye. I wanted them to know that I was okay. I drove until I was low on gasoline, and then I took the next exit into the city of Lincoln. Compared to Forks it was was huge. The sun was beginning to set and I was feeling kind of tired and hungry, so I decided to find a hotel for the night. Luckily I found a hotel across the street from a Walmart store. I had never been into one, but I knew I could probably find a disposable phone and pick up some more supplies for the road.
I parked my truck in the hotel parking lot and walked across the street. An hour later I walked out of walmart with almost a thousand dollars less than before I went in. I had intended to pick up a phone, some sandals and maybe some snacks for the road. What I ended up with was: A phone, a lap top, three pairs of shorts, four shirts, flip flops, Shampoo, conditioner, a new brush, one giant bag of sunflower seeds, a bag of chocolate kisses and a duffel bag to put everything in when I was ready to get back on the road.
I felt like a pack mule carrying it all across the street. Thankfully the nice man who checked me into the hotel helped me carry them up to my room on the fourth floor. Inside the room, I had him put the bags on one of the two beds. With a generous tip he went on his way and I was alone again. Exhaustion was beginning to set in, and I didn't feel like dragging everything out just then. Instead I decided on a nice hot shower.
I did end up looking through the bags for one of my new t-shirts. It was bright red with a big white "N" on the front. I asked the cashier what the N stood for and she told me it stood for "Nebraska", evidently Lincoln was a big football town and red and white were the school colors. I didn't care what the shirt meant, I just knew it was soft on my skin and it was long enough to wear to bed. Crawling into bed, I was asleep before my head hit the pillow. Jacob would have to wait until tomorrow.
The morning brought a surprisingly overcast day to Nebraska. It seemed the weather knew it was about to be an angst filled morning. As I paced the hotel room in my new red shirt, the newly activated phone screamed at me to just make the call. I had been arguing with myself for hours. It felt almost like I was admitting defeat. Hadn't I run to get away from everyone? Why would I then call them? I didn't understand why I needed to make the call. Maybe I just needed to hear Jacob's, voice one more time. Maybe I wanted him to beg me to come home. The little voice in the back of my head was telling me that I missed them, and that I didn't want to be alone anymore.
Finally I crawled back in bed and buried myself under the soft quilt. It was warm and quiet and I felt safe. My fingers dialed the numbers without even having to look, And then it was ringing. One ring. Two rings. Three rings.
He sounded so tired. It broke my heart all over again.
A sudden gasp of breath and whirl of movement could be heard over the speaker.
"Nessie," Jacob shouted. "Is that you?"
I almost hung up. I couldn't stand to have Jacob, hurting because of me.
"Yes, it's me."
There were two beats of silence before his pained voice answered back.
"Oh god," Jacob breathed. "Baby, where the hell are you? Where have you been? Are you okay? Please, Nessie, say something. I have been going crazy without you."
With each question Jacob's, voice grew higher and higher. He was starting to panic and it was because of me. Tears prickled my eyes and slid down the side of my face. He sounded just as lost as I was.
"Jake," I sobbed from under the blanket. "Please...calm down."
"Baby, I know you are angry with me and I am so sorry. Please tell me where you are, and I will come and get you. I have been so worried about you."
I knew he was going to say that, and I also knew it would make him angry when I refused. I chose to ignore the question all together. He sounded like he was half asleep when he answered, which meant that he was at the my house. The probability that my family were all now standing in the same room was very likely.
"How is everyone?" I asked hoping to distract him from trying to figure out where I was.
"We all miss you, Nessie. It's been really hard not knowing where you are, or if you were alright. I am so glad you finally called. Please tell me where you are so your father and I can come and get you and bring you home. I can't wait to see you. I know that I have a lot to explain but we can talk when..."
That one word stopped Jacob, short. I am not a child and I wasn't going to be treated like one.
"What do you mean, no?" Jacob, said, sounding a little angry.
"Jacob, I...I didn't call because I was coming home. I just called because I was feeling a little lonely. I just wanted to hear your voice one more time before I said goodbye."
"Goodbye...Re...Nessie, what are you talking about? You have to come home. I love you. We have a life here. Your whole family is here. Please just tell me where you are."
Listening to him pleading almost broke me. I pushed my face into the pillow to stop the sob threatening in my throat.
"I know what Leah, said Nessie, and I am sorry that you had to find out that way. But it doesn't change anything. I love you. I want to marry you..."
I couldn't listen to anymore of this. I sat up and threw the blanket off of me and stood up from the bed.
"Your right Jacob. It doesn't change the fact that if you hadn't imprinted you would have killed me. Or if My mother hadn't gotten pregnant that you would still be in love with her. Just because some stupid wolf legend forced you to love me instead of my mother, doesn't mean that I have to accept it. I won't let you live like that. I can't."
He didn't respond. The other end of the phone was totally silent.
"Jacob, I know how hard this is. It's hard for me too, but I need to be free. I need to live my life and you deserve to find someone who you aren't forced to love."
I thought for a minute, maybe he would see reason. But...
"I don't want to find someone else. I love you, Nessie. I will always love you. Please just give me another chance."
"I can't," I whispered, as I pressed my forehead against the window.
"Dammit, Nessie. It's not fair to punish me because of the imprint. I don't give a damn what the legends say. I don't love you because I have too. I love you because your sweet and amazing and I can't wait to spend my life with you. I want to marry you, and I want to build you a house with my own two hands. I want..."
"Just stop," I sobbed. I wanted all those things too, but I knew it wasn't going to happen.
"Nessie, please just listen to me for a minute..."
"No," I interrupted. "It's my turn to talk Jacob. And I only have one question."
"Anything, Nessie. You can ask me anything."
Somehow I didn't think he would feel the same way after the question.
"I want you to tell me the truth," I said as I watched the people outside going about their day. The world outside continued to bustle as my world continued to fall apart. I closed my eyes again as my forehead rested against the cool glass.
"I need to know Jacob, If you hadn't imprinted on me, would you still be in love with my mother?"
And, then a sob. Jacob was crying and so was I.
"Don't you see, Jacob?" I asked through the lump in my throat.
"Yes," Jacob said through his tears.
"I understand perfectly, Nessie. I understand how much it hurt inside to be in love with Bella, and know that she didn't choose me. I understand how unbelievably agonizing it felt to stand there and see her in her beautiful wedding dress. It all hurt so much. And then you were born. Nessie, when I thought about killing you, I was in so much pain in that moment. I thought I had just watched your mother die. I wanted someone to blame. I needed someone to pay. And, then I looked into your eyes. You were just a baby, but suddenly all the pain was gone. You made all the pain go away."
I couldn't breath. What was he doing to me? My chest was aching, almost like I could feel his pain.
"Nessie, you need to understand what I am telling you," Jacob said, his voice suddenly clear. "Just because I imprinted on you, doesn't mean that we that we were going to end up in love. Imprinting means that we are connected. I was meant to be in your life in any way that you would have me. I would have been perfectly happy just living the rest of my life as your best friend. You can't punish me for falling in love with you. I wasn't forced to love you, it was my choice. I know you love me too, Nessie. Do you feel that you were forced to love me?"
I thought back on my whole life. It was always so easy and natural with Jacob. Was it really the imprint that brought us together or just fate? Jacob, had loved my mother, but her soul was already promised to another. Maybe it was fate, or god or kismet that my parents were able to beat the odds and have a child, and at the same time give Jacob, happiness. If that was true, then the imprint was secondary to the connection we already had.
My confusion and anger was starting to clear. I believed him. Of course I believed him, I loved him.
"Please tell me that you believe me Nessie, and that you are ready to come home."
I didn't know what to say. Did I want to go home? The thought turned my stomach a little. I knew what was waiting for me when I got home. My parents, who have probably been worried sick. The family who I missed every day. And, probably the scariest thing waiting for me at home was the...Wedding. I definitely wasn't ready for that.
"I believe you, Jacob, but I don't think I'm ready to come home yet. I need a few days to think and to be alone. I love you, Jacob. I promise everything will work out."
I did love Jacob, and I knew I would go home, but that didn't mean it was going to go back to the way things were before I left.
"Okay, baby." Jacob, said sounding relieved.
"Please tell everyone, who I am sure are listening right now, that I miss them and I love them."
Jacob, chuckled and then sighed.
"Finally I get to talk to you alone," Jacob laughed.
I smiled for the first time in two weeks.
"I can't wait to see you, Nessie. I promise I am going to spend the rest of our lives making this up to you. Once we are married maybe we can take another road trip and you can show me all of the places that you have been."
He sounded so happy. I hated that I was going to break his heart again.
"Jacob?" I whispered, as my eyes slipped closed again.
I took a deep breath and said it fast. Hoping like a band aid, that saying it fast would lessen the pain.
"Jacob, I can't marry you."