I Slap Floor
Misaki let out a quiet sigh as he walked through the front door, letting his weighted bag drop to the floor as he took in the familiar sight and smell of Usagi's condo. Even though he'd only been on vacation a week, it felt like a month, and he was incredibly happy to be home.
Takahiro and Manami had decided to go down to Okinawa for a relaxing trip, and Misaki had gone with them. Takahiro had wanted Usagi to come as well, but as he was in the middle of a critical deadline at the time, he'd stayed behind.
In spite of a bit of travel fatigue, Misaki smiled as he headed into the living room, all the while rolling his eyes at the mess it had become in just seven days. Even though he would give Akihiko a good verbal beating about cleanliness (as the man already was under the delusion he was godly), he was still slightly relieved.
It looked like nothing had changed in the short time he'd been gone…
"Misaki-kun? Is that you?" A womanly voice called from the kitchen.
"Aikawa-san?" Misaki replied, changing course and entering the adjoining room, where he saw the editor bustling over a teapot and several mugs.
"Oh! Thank goodness you're home Misaki." The editor breathed, giving the teen a rub on the shoulder.
"It's good to be home." Misaki replied. "But… sorry, are you and Usagi-san having a meeting?"
Aikawa shook her head, suddenly looking extremely anxious.
"Umm Misaki-kun, did Sensei…has he called you recently?"
"Three days ago, but I haven't heard from him since. We were all kind of busy….why? Is something wrong?" Misaki asked, his face starting to fall.
Aikawa smiled soberly.
"Misaki, there's—there's something you should know. Sensei…he's at the hospital."
Misaki's face blanched.
"The—The hospital? Why? What happened!"
"And not just him," Aikawa murmured, her eyes moistening. "But Sensei's friend Kamijou-san and his boyfriend Kusama-san, and your college friend Takatsuki-kun and his boyfriend Miyagi-san!"
"Oh my god," Misaki cried, his breaths becoming pants. "We—we have to get over there! We have to help them!"
"They're with the doctors Misaki-kun," Aikawa said, giving a boy a hug. "They're doing all they can…"
"B—But what's wrong? What happened? Please Aikawa-san! Tell me!"
Aikawa nodded, taking the two filled mugs off the counter and handing one to the panicking teen.
"Let's go sit down Misaki-kun. This is going to be a lot to hear."
The strawberry blonde woman tenderly guided him over to one of the living room couches, where she sat down and took a deep breath.
"Aikawa-san," Misaki pleaded, his green eyes wide with fear.
"Well Misaki-kun," She began quietly. "Everything started just a few days ago, when Usami-sensei went to a coffee shop to meet with his friend Kamijou-san, who was going to assist in editing one of his latest books. Kamijou-san has always had a good eye for those sort of things.
"Anyways, I meet them there after a while and things seemed to be going well, however by the time it ended, the two had begun to act very…strange."
Misaki's eyebrows furrowed.
"Strange…how?" He asked nervously.
Aikawa took a tentative sip of her tea.
"I couldn't quite put my finger on it to be honest but somehow things were just off. Like, the two of them were incredibly fidgety, like they couldn't wait to get out."
Misaki's gaze turned briefly skeptical.
"Is he always like that during a deadline?"
"Yes," Aikawa muttered irritably at the mention of Akihiko's god-awful temperament. "But it was much, much worse. In fact, their demeanors disturbed me so much that I went to Mitsuhashi University to check on Kamijou-san the next day. I would have popped here as well, but Sensei told me he had a headache.
"When I went to the college, I headed up to Kamijou-san's office, where I met his co-worker Miyagi-san."
Misaki nodded, familiar with both professors himself.
"But both men seemed to act the same way as before," Aikawa spoke. "They were extremely jumpy and distracted. I tried to calm them down, but nothing I did seemed to work. And then…something happened."
"What?" Misaki cried, nearly spilling his drink.
"Well, your friend Takatsuki Shinobu-kun… he came into the room. And…and… all of a sudden…Kamijou-san…jumped him."
Misaki's eyes shot out of his head.
Aikawa shifted uncomfortably.
"Yes, it was like watching a lion take down a wounded gazelle… Kamijou-san was extremely…passionate." Aikawa said, almost blushing at the disclosure. "In fact, I've never seem him so… vigorous in an embrace."
"But wait!" Misaki said, mortified. "What did Shinobu-kun do?"
"Well…he kissed him back. In fact…he seemed just as excited about it as Kamijou."
"B—But," Misaki stuttered. "Shinobu-kun is dating Miyagi-sensei! He never shuts up about it!"
"I know Misaki-kun, and Miyagi-sensei was just as shocked. He even tried pulling Kamijou off, but the two wouldn't let go…"
Misaki flopped back with a stunned thump, his face still a mask of shock.
"Oh my god…but why?"
Aikawa continued soberly.
"Needless to say, I was extremely worried about all of them, so I went back to the University the next day. Sensei still said he was sick so I hadn't checked on him. When I got to the office, I saw Miyagi-san and also Kamijou-san's boyfriend Kusama-san there…and they were…far from normal."
"How?" Misaki asked, his face blanching a shade whiter.
"Miyagi-san was incredibly depressed, which was plainly apparent as you could hear um…Kamijou-san and Takatsuki right next door doing that… He was sitting at his desk, but…he was playing a guitar and singing."
Misaki raised an eyebrow.
"Yes, he was strumming away at the thing playing songs he called "The Blues," which he said is some American form of music. He started singing about losing his lover and his microwave breaking down and some sort of cabbage allergy and all these other problems he had. It was extremely depressing. And then he started babbling about quitting his job and pursuing his dream of becoming a traveling Blues singer in Albuquerque. Not only that, but I saw him shopping for these strange looking hats on the internet."
Misaki's already shocked countenance began to border on the disturbed.
"And Kusama-san was even more strange," Aikawa shuddered. "He was sitting in a chair reading a book called…oh what was it…something like 'Mein Kampf?' And he just randomly started yelling about how straight people are ruining society and should be dealt with."
"Straight people?" Misaki asked in disbelief.
"That's right. Seeing as how he's such a lovable man normally, it really threw me for a loop. And something else was different about him. He looked like he hadn't shaved his upper lip in a few days, like he was growing a mustache."
"Yes, but it was oddly small. It looked familiar but I just can't put my finger on it…"
Misaki shook his head.
"Aikawa-san, are you sure all of this is real?" He asked.
The woman regarded him with all sobriety.
"Misaki-kun…do you honestly think I'm the type of person to lie to you about something as serious as this?"
Misaki's eyes widened.
"In fact," The woman continued, looking like she was about to cry. "I was so afraid that you wouldn't believe me… I know it sounds impossible but I swear that—"
"Oh Aikawa-san!" Misaki interrupted, his face entirely apologetic. "Please forgive me! Of course I believe you. This—this is just a big shock."
Aikawa gave a boy a pleased smile, but it quickly faded.
"Misaki-kun thank you…but I'm afraid the worst new is yet to come."
Misaki's eyes widened.
"Yes… Sensei." Aikawa replied, taking a labored breath. "After seeing those two I knew I had to see him no matter what, so I came straight here. But as soon as I knocked, he came out and said he had an errand to run, but he seemed just as strange as before. So I decided to follow him in a taxi."
"Where did he go?" Misaki asked, nearly on the edge of his seat.
Aikawa's eyes began to moisten.
"Oh Misaki…I don't know if I can tell you this."
"Please Aikawa-san!" Misaki implored. "I'm begging you! Where did Usagi-san go?"
"He went downtown, into a girl's store, where they sell cute things and hair accessories. At first I thought that maybe he was thinking of dressing as a transvestite for a novel…but then I saw him…meet up with somebody…Oh Misaki…I don't know how it had happened but…"
"But what Aikawa-san? But WHAT?"
Aikawa took out a handkerchief and began to dab of one of her eyes.
"Oh Misaki it was so terrible! Sensei had become…straight."
"SAY WHAAT!" Misaki yelled, before a string of forced laughs began to spill out of his mouth. "Oh Aikawa-san, good one."
"Misaki," The woman murmured. "I'm serious."
Misaki's mouth dropped down to the floor, and his already underdeveloped and underused mind sought to wrap itself around the greatest enigma in all the universe.
Could Usami Akihiko, the man whose nickname was "bunny," who had an obsessive fascination with cock, and who practically shit rainbows have possibly gone over to the straight side!
Misaki would believe Miyagi was an aspiring bluegrass musician, Kusama was gay Nazi, and Kamijou and Takatsuki were fucking like ravenous dogs before even considering the thought.
"There must be some mistake!" Misaki cried. "Usagi-san can't be straight! If would go against all the physical laws of nature!"
"I wouldn't have believed me either Misaki-kun," Aikawa replied, dabbing her eyes. "But…I saw the most horrible thing happen. Sensei met up with a girl and…they went into an alley and…he—he… kissed her."
"No! That can't be true! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"
"Yes Misaki!" Aikawa wept. "He kissed a girl! AND HE LIKED IT!"
At that disclosure, Misaki nearly fainted on the spot. He sank backward against the couch with complete horror as Aikawa continued.
"Right then Misaki-kun, I knew that this was not a normal situation, and something had to be terribly wrong. As soon as Sensei went back home, I grabbed him and forced him to come with me to the hospital. I had a difficult time explaining to the doctors exactly what was wrong…but when they ran blood work…they found something."
Misaki's mouth gapped in horror.
"Oh my god, what did they find?"
Aikawa's breaths became ragged.
"They found a whole bunch of toxins in Sensei's blood. And as soon as they came back, they ordered him to remain at the hospital so they could discover the cause. I immediately told them that there were other people who displayed the same symptoms, and they rushed an ambulance over to the college to pick them all up."
"But—but are they going to be okay?" Misaki cried. "Have they found anything that could help?"
"Well, after testing Miyagi, Kusama, Kamijou, and Takatsuki (who were kind of difficult because they couldn't stop making out) and finding all of the same chemicals, they couldn't seem to find a common denominator as to what had caused it. But then…in a freak moment, one of the nurses figured it out. It was their cologne."
"Cologne?" Misaki said in disbelief.
"Yes, they were all wearing the same cologne. Luckily Kusama had a sample in his pocket and the doctors were able to test it. And when they did, they found a bunch of incredibly toxic chemicals in it that had seeped into their bloodstream. I asked them where they had gotten the brand, and they said they'd gotten it as a free sample in the mail, some sort of public marketing product trial. The hospital immediately contacted the police and the company, and eventually, they stopped the man responsible."
"You mean someone PLANNED this?"
"His name was Vladimir Korovin, and it turns out he was doing human experiments with a bunch of mind altering chemicals. By giving Sensei and the others poisonous cologne, he was trying to see if he could change their temperaments and personalities."
Aikawa took out another tissue, dabbing her eyes again.
"But oh Misaki, when I think of what he did to those poor men, it just makes me cry."
Misaki was also hard pressed not to fall to pieces, and he bit down on his quivering lip in anguish.
"Aikawa-san, are they going to be all right?" He asked worriedly.
"Well," The woman replied. "The doctors did manage to come up with an antidote for the drugs, but they don't know how long it will take for it to work. It could be hours or months. Plus, they have to find out who else got samples of the cologne. Plus the chemicals were so toxic, that even people who smelled the cologne are at risk."
Misaki shook his head in disbelief at the terrible news, but then he thought of something.
"Aikawa-san…if that's true, then why weren't you affected by the cologne?"
For the first time during their conversation, Aikawa turned towards him and offered him a smile.
"Well Misaki-kun," She said, her tone somewhat lighter. "That's because I'm a woman….and I slap floor."
Misaki's eyebrows furrowed.
"I slap floor." She repeated, still smiling.
"You SLAP floor?" Misaki replied in confusion.
"That's right," Aikawa said. "Oh, but if you will excuse me Misaki, I have a meeting so I must go. Will you be all right?"
"Um, yes. I think so."
"Good." Aikawa nodded. "Please let me know when you hear from Sensei and the others. After all, I am terribly worried about them."
"O—okay. Yeah sure." Misaki replied as the woman clicked across the living room and headed out the door without another word.
Misaki continued to sit on the couch, trying to process everything she's told him, when suddenly the door reopened, and Akihiko walked in, smoking a lit cigarette.
"USAGI-SAN!" Misaki cried, jumping off the couch and into the man's arms. "Oh my god you're okay! Oh Usagi-san, I'm so glad you're okay." He said tearfully, holding onto Usagi's torso as if he never wanted to let go.
Akihiko watched the teen with wide eyes, before casting a pleased look back at the front door. He'd left momentarily to get some smokes, and when he'd come back had run into Aikawa in the hall. She's mentioned she had a little surprise for him, but he'd never expected this.
"Oh Usagi-san," Misaki murmured, burying his face in the man's chest.
Akihiko's smile grew wider and he snaked an arm around the youth's trim waist. He didn't know what kind of bullshit that woman had been telling Misaki, but right now….
He sure as hell didn't care.
I S L A P F L O O R = A P R I L F O O L S
:) Happy April 1st everyone.
Hope you enjoyed the insanity, though I do apologize for screwing all your favorite characters over (sorry Egoist fans XD I have commited blasphemy).
Disclaimer: I don't own Junjou Romantica, and the "I Slap Floor" plot and anagram was actually taken and inspired from a radio program episode under the same name.
Thanks for reading and have a foolish day!
The Black Foolimingo 101
P.s. Vladimir Korovin is taken from my cyber seme Cerberus Revised's fics "The Uke Flu" and "Days without Sun," because he was the most villainy villain I could think of.