NOTE: This is only a parody and a oneshot. This is by no means an attack on anyone or any fanfiction on the site. It is only making fun of the stereotypical outsider Touhou fanfiction.
Marisa Kirisame flew high into the Gensokyo sky, going by her familiar route to visit Reimu Hakurei. She took her time and kept at a slow pace as she was still sleepy from just getting up. Besides, there was no rush.
Then, something caught her eye. As her eyesight caught the shrine that Reimu called home, she noticed a large crowd in the grounds. She could also spot a large pile of something, and she could clearly indentify Reimu, positioned behind a counter. She swooped in for landing and rushed towards her.
"Woah, what's going on, ze?" Marisa asked with her trademark speech impediment.
"Just a little business I set up recently. You could have gotten a sneak peak before I opened shop, but you slept in" Reimu replied.
"Huh? What kind of Business?" Marisa asked in a confused tone.
"Well, the past few months, we've been getting a ton of outsiders just waltzing in here and going around with their damaku and their powers like no one's business." Reimu said.
"Yeah, they've always wound up at your place, ze." Marisa looked off into the distance, thinking back to their encounters with the outsiders.
"Well, now I've had it." Reimu was much more forceful in her tone now. "I can't be bothered with these outsiders no more, but I've found the perfect solution!"
Reimu pointed towards the pile Marisa saw earlier, to reveal that the pile was made up of men, wearing odd clothing similar to what outsiders wore, all of them tied up and with individual price tags,
"Help us!" One shouted.
"I need to fight Flandre somehow!" Another cried.
"There must be an incident that I and only I can solve!" Someone yelled.
"And then," Reimu ignored their pleas "I sell them off to whoever wants them!"
She then gestured to the eager line of people who were clamouring to get their hands on one of the many outsiders in stock. Marisa noticed some familiar faces in the crowd, including a few that surprised her.
"Alice?" Marisa exclaimed.
"SHHH! Keep it down…." A short, blonde haired girl covered her face with a book, the girl being Alice Margatroid, a close friend (And enemy) of Marisa.
"What on earth would you want with some outsider, ze?" Marisa asked.
"I only want a thin one…..just a little taste…." Alice replied in as meek as a voice could get.
"WHAT!" Marisa shouted, turning everyone's attention to her and Alice. This caused Marisa's friend to blush bright red and slowly sink downwards to avoid eye contact.
"Recently I was talking to Yuka, she laughed at me when I told her I've never ate a human before….." Alice explained, slowly turning from red to pink "I came here after I found out just so I could show her what for."
Marisa was still baffled by the whole concept. Alice, eating humans? Sure, she was a Youkai, through and through, but still!
"Why can't you just lie? That's what I'd do, ze!" Marisa stood defiantly to make her suggestion look more promising.
"I can't….she's right there." Alice said whilst pointing to the front of the line.
There, Yuka Kazami stood at the counter that Reimu was working, eyeing up the large pile of outsiders, looking frightened as her deep red eyes scanned their faces and bodies.
"Mmmm…I'll take that one, he looks nice and tender…." Yuka pointed her finger at a man with glasses and a beard, a single fang poking out of her wide mouth.
Reimu beamed as Yuka handed over a large amount of yen, before shouting at her shrine.
"SUIKA! Number 19 to the counter, stat!" Bounding out of the shrine doors, Suika Ibuki rushed down the courtyard and crashed right into the pile of outsiders. She got back up, a bit dazed, before apologizing to the people up for sale.
"Sorry….I think those grow back, so don't worry!" She said in a cheerful voice to a bleeding man.
She then went back to work and hoisted number 19 onto the counter with a hard slam.
"Hey Reimu, Eyes grow back, right?" Suika asked her shrine maiden friend.
"Ermmm….yeah…." Reimu replied in an uneasy voice, glancing at the man Suika had hurt, now passed out due to blood loss.
"Anyway, here you go! Thanks for stopping by!" Reimu waved at Yuka before she left with her outsider.
"You'll taste great medium rare…." Yuka stared into the young man's eyes as told him her cooking idea.
"Come on people! Plenty more where that came from!" Reimu shouted, addressing her line of customers.
The pile she had slowly went down, bit by bit.
And then there was none…..
Many hours later…
Night time came to Gensokyo. The last people had left the grounds, with only Reimu, Marisa and Suika remaining.
"Ahhh…what a great day!" Reimu cracked her fingers and lent back in her pile of yen, making money angels at random intervals.
"If you say so…" Marisa said with doubt in her tone. "Why did you have to do this Reimu? Why not get Yukari to gap them home, ze?"
"I did, but she stopped eventually." Reimu replied. "She said she couldn't handle anymore."
"Why's that?" Marisa asked inquisitively.
"She said she was putting on far too much weight, wanted to go on a diet." Reimu said.
Marisa looked at her close friend with horror. "Y-Y-You….don;t mean…." She stuttered.
"Eyup." Reimu said bluntly. "But then she told about the idea of a business and-"
"Hold up a sec….It was Yukari's idea?" Marisa was getting frustrated.
"Err..Yep. All hers." Reimu confirmed.
Marisa was fuming. She was turning red, redder than Alice was in the line.
"Excuse me Reimu. I have a job to do." Marisa was surprising calm.
"Okay…see you around. If you see Yukari, tell her thanks!" Reimu yelled.
Marisa got up, went outside and then flew away. "Yes…I'll tell her….I'll tell her alright…." Under her dress she retrieved a handgun, something she had only for drastic times. And boy was this drastic.
Reimu looked outside and watch her fly off. "Well, good night Suika!" Reimu blew out her candles and saw Suika off to her own bed.
"Night Reimu~" Suika replied in a drunken haze.
Reimu closed the doors of her shrine and dived onto the yen pile. Hugging the warmness of the vast amount of money, she drifted into sleep and dreamt of the business she would have tomorrow.