I do not own Blue Exorcist or any of its characters. I also don't own any of the songs that will be mention either. WARNING: This is based off the anime and contains some spoilers! If you have not seen the anime you may not want to read this! There will also be M-rated scenes in this story. That is all.


To say I, Rin Okumura, was truly happy was a complete and utter bullshit lie. There was never a time when I was truly happy. Sure there were a few times when I was pretty close but usually those moments didn't last long. Like for instance, the fact that I thought I actually made some real friends here at True Cross Academy. Yeah right; once they found out who I really was that all went down the fucking drain. Now that I was completely hated once more, I finally could wake up and face reality again. I am the son of Satan and no matter what, I will always be hated. And to top it all off, I saved the fucking world from that bastard but most people still choose to avoid me but I pretend that it doesn't bother me, I pretend that my so-called "friends" didn't fear me, and the biggest pretend of all was the façade I put up for everyone; to the world they see a reckless happy teen that seems like a total idiot and usually I like to keep it that way, but the true me is tired of this game of pretend, the true me wants to be free, the one who actually knows and understands what is going on, who yearns to do what he actually likes to do. Yes folks, I've been faking it to everyone; I am actually smart, and cooking is not my only talent, I can actually play the guitar and sing and do other creative things for crying out loud, and the only person who actually saw the real me is now six feet under thanks to my real father. I honestly don't remember when I started my game of pretend, it could have been when I went ballistic that day in daycare or some other stupid reason, but I do know one reason that I keep doing it: Yukio, my twin brother.

When we were little he was always the weaker one, the one who got lost in my shadow. One day I made a promise to myself that all of that would change. So I started by doing badly in school, getting into fights and any other thing I could think of just so my brother would finally get out of my shadow and become his own person. To say I was mad when I found out he actually was an exorcist was a lie too; I was actually happy that he did something with himself and that he was actually happy with himself too. Of course I was mad when he told me to drop dead and was trying to pin Dad's death on me, but I could understand where he came from. Every time he got mad at me I would act like it pissed me off but in all honestly, I was perfectly calm on the inside. The one thing I regret though is that he has to be my brother. When I found out that he was turned into a demon like myself, I was devastated. He was supposed to be the normal one damn it! He was not to suffer like I do! However, to my very disbelief, everyone still loved him! It was because they didn't have to fear about him losing it or that he will accidently kill someone. They still trusted him! I didn't know if I wanted to laugh bitterly at the irony or cry tears of relief that he wouldn't be treated any differently.

Remember that I said I didn't care if people hated me? Well it's almost true. Of course there will always be that small glimmer of hope, begging, pleading, that at least one person would stay my friend and the funny thing is that there was one: Izumo Kamiki of all people. She is the second person to actually see who I am, to actually see past the charade, and it all started when I gave her my shirt the night that her and her friend Paku got attacked. Actually it didn't really start until her, Shima, and I went to the beach for the stupid squid mission but I digress. Ever since then the two of us have gotten closer, not the boyfriend-girlfriend kind of close but as like brother and sister close. Whenever it was just the two of us hanging out after school or Cram class, I would finally feel like I could drop my pretense and just be myself, and when you really got to know her, Izumo is actually pretty awesome to hang out with; she actually would drop the tough ice-bitch attitude and actually be a happy and fun-loving girl. She would even treat me just like she treated Paku! Of course the two of us agreed to never letting any of the others know that we hung out, that would destroy both of our reputations; the only person who knows about our friendship is Paku, who we both can trust. I still remember the time that the softly-spoken girl pulled me to the side to thank me for being Izumo's other friend and for making her happy. What really made me glad was the fact that when Izumo found out who I really was, she didn't even care. Sure she was a little upset I didn't tell her but she understood my situation, but of course after that whole ordeal our secret bonding time became fewer and fewer until it finally had to stop thanks to the fact that the Vatican didn't trust me without an exorcist escorting me. The good thing though was that stopped as soon as I saved the world from Satan so I didn't have to be kept tabs on anymore. When Izumo, Paku and I got to hang out again without any worries, the first thing we did was go to a music shop and bought me a new guitar with the money I saved up from my allowance! And I got to tell you it is a beauty. A solid black base, rosewood fingerboard, Fender Electric Acoustic Guitar. I fucking love that thing to death. The only sad thing about it was that I had to hide it from my brother since he still had no clue of the real me, but thankfully that huge dorm building of ours has plenty of rooms to hide it in.

Lately though I have noticed my façade slowly slipping; in class I forget to "fall asleep" (When I put my head down and pretend to be sleeping I am actually awake and paying attention to what the teacher is saying) or to pretend to be daydreaming, I forget to "fail" my tests or to pretend to be stupid. To be honest, I am one of those kids who never really needs to study and still can ace a test. No, I am not as gifted as Bon with memorization or get the highest grades in class but if I would actually drop my act I would probably rank third in the class (Izumo would be second because I have to admit she is smarter than me). Of course most people thought I was finally growing up and taking things seriously. I wonder what they would think if I told them I already grew up a long time ago and that they were finally just realizing it, but of course when I got the urge to do so I would bite my tongue and just trudge on with my fake life. However, everyday it is getting harder to do so, to pretend to be something I'm not. People are going to start to notice that this is not just me growing up but that it is the real me and honestly half of me is terrified how people will treat me once they find out while the other half is eagerly waiting for it to just happen already so I can be finally free. I guess I just have to wait and see…