Title: Wedding Woes
Author: GirlMood / passivesky
Summary: Haine's attempts to woe the fair maiden fail, Naoto makes stabbing aggressive suitors a daily staple, and Badou would like them to stop their loveydovey-ness. Please. It's nauseating. /Crack
Disclaimer: I do not own DOGS or affiliated properties. All rights are reserved by their respective owners. I make no profit from this writing.
Notes: Fun, unrepentant product of a silly two o' clock in the morning muse and a lack of Married With Children reruns. Unbetaed, but feedback would much loved! : ]
Naoto is in the midst of a wonderfully satisfying killing spree when Haine gets down on one knee, yanks a copper ring off a dead guy's finger, and proposes both his undying love for her and marriage.
He even says fucking please.
Somewhere in between drop kicking Haine to the floor and attempting to chop off his legs, Naoto politely refuses.
Haine gets it right the second time around.
He buys her a real ring (silver, expensive, black market quality) and then he proceeds to wrestle the damn thing onto her finger. She fights him the entire time, clawing and kicking and when she gets her sword out, she takes a lob at his head; he bends over backwards, sweeps her feet out from under her, and jams the ring onto her hand.
Naoto freezes immediately, eyes rounding and staring at the monstrosity with a horrified expression while Haine is so impressed and in awe of the success of Operation: Get Hitched that he has to stop a moment to reboot his brain.
"Damn," he says after a moment. "What am I going to do about a tux?"
Graciously, Naoto allows him exactly ten seconds of subsequent deliberation before she begins to strangle him.
Badou slouches in his chair and eyes them like he's sizing up one of those black market vendors, cheap asses who won't sell him a carton of cigarettes for less than half a good job's pay, and when his fingers twitch toward his guns, Haine plants his boot on the armrest, leans in and growls.
"You dog," he says and Haine looms over him with a crooked slant to his mouth, the teeth on the left side sharp and exposed.
Naoto frowns and crosses her arms; she manages to look primly displeased despite the dried blood splatter across her white button-up. Badou spits at her feet, says something crude, and she scrunches up her nose.
And shit. She still looks so damn cool.
"Fuck you, bitch. And fuck you, asshole. I won't do it." He spits again to punctuate his sentiments about the whole thing.
Haine and Naoto lock eyes across the room, and Badou swears to Nicotine Almighty that some sort of freaky plasma waves sizzle through the air.
"Look here," his not-partner says in his most pleasant negotiation voice (which is actually pretty fucking scary sounding, the kind of scary that makes mob bosses go baby-legged and makes them pitchy screamers; the kind of scary that makes Badou think about dog teeth and dog fights and ripping and tearing and eating, sawing in halves and scooping out the insides, blood in your mouth and on the floor in your hair under your nails in your eyes and hahaha he's lost his cigs in the gore and Haine has got his claws in someone's kidneys and Naoto's sword is jammed down a mouth straight through the windpipe and hahaha can't fucking breathe now can you?). Haine leans in, gets right in Badou's face. "It's about doing things right, and if I have to go and stand on tradition and ceremony, I'm not doing it alone. So either join up or I make another hole in your head."
Because, of course, it would figure that Naoto is traditionalist.
"I'll be the shittiest best man ever," he promises, and it's one of the few things Badou that has ever wholeheartedly agreed to.
They don't make it down the aisle.
Somewhere in between the confession box and the stack of collection plates, Naoto gets the jitters, rips off her train, and flying leaps out an open window. Haine jumps out after her, and there's a whole lot of screaming and shooting outside for the next ten minutes before the bride, muddy and with conspicuous tears in her wedding dress, stumbles back inside, marches down the aisle and throws her ring at pedo-priest's head. After having an extra moment to rage at the first row of pews, Naoto collects herself.
"Marriage is a sham. I dedicate myself wholly to God," she declares solemnly (Badou distinctly hears a voice outside the church shouting 'I object, bitch!') and then to clarify, looks squarely at Badou: "I am going to die a virgin."
Badou sneers. "What? You? Really?"
Naoto pulls her sword out from underneath her skirts (Badou really isn't surprised, really) and points it at his throats; he swallows, tugs at the itchy tuxedo collar.
"Okay, okay. Virgin it is."
A year later, despite Naoto's best efforts, they actually do get married.
That Haine had to cuff Naoto to the altar to do so is something that she never quite forgives him for.