Lost In Shadow
We all keep going back to see Mikey. We see a lot of him everyday... but there are times I would swear he doesn't even recognise us and just keeps prattling away because he's scared that he doesn't recognise us... as though he knows he should. It must be hard for him... she makes your head go all fuzzy as though it's stuffed with Styrofoam balls... all moving about through your brain and nerve endings. It's so hard to concentrate... I bet it's even worse for Mike... he's spent so much time with her. Why didn't I see it straight away and put a stop to it...?
At first, we were all sleeping outside the door to our old home... waiting for a chance to get in... But it was impossible. She won't let Raph or Don in... She only lets me in when the mood takes her and only lets sensei in because she doesn't want to jar some sense back into Mike... she knows that would shake him. I'm hoping she will make a mistake and try to hurt one of us in front of Mike... I know Mikey would snap out of it then... but she's too clever and won't fall for our tricks. No matter how I provoke her... she just smiles at me, knowing what I'm trying to do. If only she would let Raphael in... I know he'd find a way to piss her off.
Raph and Don have to speak to Mike from the doorway... they say there's a kind of force that won't let them go any further. When April and Casey come down it's the same for them too. Don finds it interesting that the ghost's power doesn't 'extend past the doorway'... but I don't know if he's got an idea or whether it's just an observation, I'll have to ask him when I get back.
Our home has changed so much... the place is rank... filled with the stench from that old part of the sewers we found her in... The walls move... even when there's no light or shadow to cause it. It is almost as though she and the room are becoming one. She moves things around in there... Large objects... she can manipulate them... Once when I went to see Mike she rusted one of Don's machines right in front of my eyes... it corroded bit by bit turning from silver to orange... to a blood red... then disintegrated into dust. We're afraid she's growing too strong in there but we don't know why...
There are so few options left open to us... we are past fear... Splinter keeps trying to communicate with Mike through the astral plane... trying to contact Mikey telepathically... so far it isn't going very well... though Splinter won't say why. I wonder if she has grown strong enough to prevent sensei communicating to Mike that way... I am hoping... we are all hoping that Splinter's will; will prove stronger than hers.
April is making friends with the local priest in the hope she can learn about exorcism... perhaps then we can get rid of the ghost for good... and even get our old place back... not that I'm sure we'd want it back after all this.
I keep thinking this is all my fault. My fault I wanted to help Susan... my fault I brought the bracelet back... Donatello tried to put some of the blame onto his shoulders by reminding me he was there with me when we got the bracelet... and that we brought it back together... but I don't accept that. I think I was under her spell by that point... Don was reluctant to help her and reluctant to get involved but I made him... It's my entire fault, I know it is... but I'm not going to let that work in her favour. This guilt will fuel me, not hold me back... I will find a way to get Mikey out of this and a way to destroy her forever.
I think deep down Mikey knows something isn't right... like I did... I just hope he can snap out of it like I did... It all became crystal clear for me. We will find a way for it to all become suddenly clear for Mikey too... but right now he's lost to us... lost in shadow and we need to find him.