I really should warn you about all the scarring that could result from reading this. But I won't.


FGS, Adventure Time isn't mine.

Princess Bubblegum lied awake in her bed, eyes wide in a mix of horror, nausea and absolute shock. Se couldn't sleep. She couldn't. Not after she played witness to the events that took place only a few hours ago.

Princess Bubblegum politely knocked on the door to Finn and Jake's treehouse, a basket of cookies in her arms and a smile on her face. "Finn! Oh, Finny Finn! Let me come in!" But no answer.

That struck the princess as odd. Finn was (as far as she knew) still madly cranium over cows for her, and would drop his sword in the middle of a battle just to say hi to her. So why the odd silence?

"Finn?" she said concerned, rapping on the door again. It creaked slightly, showing that it had been open the whole time. Curious, Princess Bubblegum stepped inside, hands clutched tightly on the cookie basket.

"Finn? Where are you, Finn?" Bonnibel huffed and put on her hands on her hips. "Where IS that silly boy?"

That was when she heard it. A soft, barely audible sound, like an animal whimpering. "What was that?" quizzed the princess, following the sound to Finn's room. Oh, if only she knew.

As she made her way upstairs, she stepped over several articles of clothing. Finn's blue shirt and shorts, his trademark bear hat...but then Bubblegum noticed some clothes that didn't belong to him at all. A red and black plaid shirt...ripped blue jeans...both of which looked too big for the hero. "What's going on here?"

As if to answer her question, she heard the strange whimpering noise again, louder this time. She must be getting close.

As she reached Finn's room, she heard the noise a third time, loud enough for her to register the noise as Finn. Setting down the basket, she climbed up, poked her head slightly in and saw something that would destroy her mind, rupture her soul and just plain freak her out for years to come.

Marshall Lee the Vampire King, who Princess Bubblegum had realized was the owner of the red and black shirts and the jeans, was stark naked, his black hair clinging to his face from sweat and wearing a twisted smile. And why was he sweating, you may ask?

Because the immortal currently had an equally naked Finn bent over his bed and was, for lack of a better term, plowing him like a candy cornfield. Which each thrust, the hero would moan and whimper in ecstasy, gripping the sheets. His long, flowing blonde locks clung to his forehead and his scrawny, pale body glistened with sweat. His face was bright red, but nowhere near as red as the peeping Princess Bubblegum's.

"Sweet mother of gob." whispered the princess, her eyes the size of dinner plates and mouth agape.

"C'mon, Finny." snickered Marshall Lee, slipping a slender finger into the hero's mouth. "Yesterday I made you squeal like a pig. Don't tell me you're holding back?" As if to emphasize his point, he slammed hard into Finn, making him scream, his eyes tripling in size.

'Yesterday!' shrieked Bubblegum in her head, almost loosing her grip on the ladder. 'How long has this...THIS been going on?'

Unable to take in the scene any further, Bubblegum stealthily climbed back down the ladder, picked up her cookie basket and proceeded to run like hell outside Finn's house and back to the safety and sanctity of her castle. Where boys she knew WEREN'T screwing like rabbits.

Bubblegum shuddered again at the memory. She supposed she was happy that Finn was over her...she just didn't expect him to be...THAT over her.

A tapping at her door snapped her out of her thoughts. She looked to see her sort-of gal pal Marceline at her window, waving happily.

"'Sup, Sugarlocks?" she said, phasing into her room, a playful smile on her face. Bubblegum offered no reply, the memory of earlier still fresh in her mind.

Marceline cocked an eyebrow. "What's up with you? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Oh, if she only knew.

"So, c'mon." said the vampire queen. "Spill.

And just like that, out of nowhere, Bubblegum leapt out of her bed and latched onto an incredibly surprised Marceline for dear life. "HOLY SHI-"

"Oh, Marceline!" wailed Bubblegum. "It was horrible! Earlier today, I was bringing Finn some cookies, and, and, I heard some noises coming from Finn's room, and I walked in on him a-and Marshall Lee-"

"Ooooh..." said Marceline with an air of understanding. "Lemme guess, you walked in on them having sex."

Bubblegum gave Marceline an incredulous look. "You KNEW about this? H-how long has this been going on?"

Marceline ticked off her fingers. "Lessee, today's Friday, you dumped Finn in season 3, so...six weeks."

Bubblegum blanched.

"About four times a day. I tell you, Finn's got great stamina."

The princess opened her mouth and from within came a horrific, unholy, ghastly wailing sound that carried with it all the anguish and knowledge that her best guy friend had been getting nailed by the genderbent version of her best gal pal. Marceline covered her ears and grit her teeth as Bubblegum cried, not even noticing when Peppermint Butler came rushing in with a terrified look on his face.

"PRINCESS!" screamed the servant, rushing to her side. "WHAT IS THE MATTER?"

Having had enough of all the screaming and yelling and revelations, Marceline floated down to Bubblegum's level and, with enough force to crack stone, backhanded the princess.

"SNAP OUT OF IT!" yelled the vampiress, shaking the teen like a juice box.

Bubblegum sniffled, but stopped her crying.

Peppermint Butler looked back and forth from the two girls with an odd look. "What was that all about? Why was she sobbing so?"

Marceline smirked. "Guess."

"She found out about Finn and Marshall Lee?" ventured the butler.

And without skipping a beat, Bubblegum burst into tears again.

The following morning...

Bubblegum's hand couldn't stop shaking as she tried to sip her morning tea. She didn't get a wink of sleep last night. Marceline and Peppermint Butler had tried doing anything and everything they could to calm her down, but all they could do was wait for her voice to give out. And that took a while.

"Heya, PB!" came an exuberant voice.

Bubblegum dropped her teacup in shock, the porcelain crashing onto the floor. She whirled around to see Finn, smiling cheekily at her.

"Looks like someone's got butterfingers." Completely oblivious to Bubblegum's shocked look, Finn bounded over to the shattered teacup and began cleaning it up. If Finn was here, that must mean...


Bubblegum turned back to see Marshall Lee floating opposite her, munching on one of her butter biscuits, a coy look on his face. "How's it hanging, PB?"

The princess's mouth quivered as she looked back and forth between a confused Finn and a smirking Marshall Lee. "Y-you...you..." she squeaked, pointing at the immortal. "You...YOU."

Marshall Lee smiled and put hand on his chest. "Me."

She then turned to point at Finn. "And YOU."

Finn, believing they were playing some sort of game, placed a hand on his chest as well. "Me!"

Choking back sobs, she then pointed at both of them. "BOTH OF YOU."

"Both of us!" cried the boys in unison.

"STOP THAT!" yelled the princess, slamming her fists on the table. "The two of you are fucking!"


Finn's eyes widened, his jaw dropping as Bubblegum covered her mouth and blushed red at being so frank and using such language. Marshall's smirk widened as he took another biscuit.

"So, cat's outta the bag, huh?"

Regaining her composure, Bubblegum glared hard at Lee, jabbing a finger at him. "You...you...you...PEDOPHILE! How could you even THINK about doing something like this? You...FINK!"

Biting back laughter, Marshall Lee held his hands up in defense. "Hey, cool your skirts, PB. Finn came onto me."

"I did NOT!" shouted Finn, regaining his senses. "You were the one who climbed into my bed one night and started molesting me!"

Lee winked. "Don't act like you didn't love it."

Trying her best not to vomit, Bubblegum looked at Finn. "Finn, of all people, HIM? He's...he's..."

"The best lover I've ever had." cooed Marshall Lee in a perfect imitation of Finn's voice, dramatically placing his hand over his heart. The hero himself blushed a fierce red. "You're the ONLY lover I've ever had!"


The two boys turned to see that Princess Bubblegum had fallen unconscious with a dazed look on her face, a small dribble of drool at the corner of her mouth.

"Huh." said Lee, grabbing another biscuit. "PB fainted."

"My glob!" screamed Finn, rushing to her side. The hero pried open her eye and saw that it was perfectly glazed. Bubblegum was out like a light.

"So..." said the vampire, floating next to the blonde. "Wanna pass the time with a little nookie?"

Finn whirled around to face him, his face blazing red. "W-we can't just do stuff in PB's tea room, dude! Especially with her right here!"

Lee rubbed his chin and got an idea. Scooping up the princess, he floated over to a nearby cupboard, pried it open and stuffed her in. For good measure, he locked the door.

"We can now." purred Marshall Lee, rushing over to Finn and picking him up bridal style. Smiling at the hero's embarrassed look, he nuzzled his cheek. "Now, c'mon. I'm about to screw you so hard that Nurse Poundcake's gonna have to legally change her name."

"Sweet grod."

You read it. You can't unread it~