This...wow, this. Just...this~ ^.^
Hell, I don't care that Adventure Time isn't mine! I'm happy just being able to do this!
An ear-splitting scream resonated throughout the Candy Infirmary. The source of such heinous cries came from Finn the human boy, who was currently in his 17th hour of labor.
Yes, you read that right.
Finn's neck muscles were several octaves close to bursting as he hollered loud enough to create small fissures in the Candy Kingdom. Marshall Lee gripped his wife's (yes, you read that right, too) hand, a look of utmost concern in his face. "Hang in there, baby!"
"MY BOY PARTS WERE NOT MEANT FOR THIS!" screamed Finn, his face red from a mixture of pain and anger.
"Finn," coached Doctor Ice Cream. "Just try to calm down and breathe deepl-"
"YOU CALM DOWN!" snapped back Finn, glaring hard at the shocked MD. "I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU DO THIS!"
The rest of the Candy People that were around Finn's bed slowly backed away, not wanting to be a target for his birthing rage.
You're all probably wondering how Finn got here, all preggers and stuff. Well, let's just say it involves dark magic, some forbidden rituals and a smidgen of drugging Finn when he wasn't looking. To be fair, Finn agreed with Marshall Lee on having kids, but the blonde was thinking along the lines of adoption, NOT creating a faux womb for the hero.
And so, nine months, one reserved room and seventeen hours of reassuring and breathings exercises later, here we are, moments from the arrival of Finn and Lee's bundle of joy.
"MARSHALL LEE!" screamed Finn, sending a jolt of fear through the vampire's body. "WHEN THIS IS OVER, YOU'RE NOT COMING ANYWHERE NEAR MAH BOD FOR A YEAR. YOU HEAR ME? A YEAR!"
The immortal was about to object, but stopped when Dr. Ice Cream put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a grave look that said 'Don't go there'.
The hospital doors whooshed open and in rushed Marceline, Jake, Princess Bubblegum, Beemo (held by Jake), Fionna, Cake and Prince Bubblegum.
"WHAT TOOK YOU ALL SO LONG?" shrieked Finn, thrashing around on his bed.
"S-sorry." snickered Marceline, stifling her laughter. "It took us a while to gather everybody."
Finn suddenly let out a massive howl of pain as his...boy parts made a loud popping sound, red, black, gold and light blue light bursting from beneath the towel covering his bits.
Gasping, Dr. Ice Cream took a quick peek, to the shock and indignation of everybody. "He's crowning!"
Marshall Lee began nervously chewing on his fingernails as Finn screamed louder and louder, several of the windows starting to crack. "GET...THIS...THE...THING...THE...GLOB...OUT OF ME!"
Panicking, Fionna reached into her pack and pulled out a small jawbreaker. Rushing over to Finn's side, she quickly said "Don't hate me for this", and shoved it into his mouth.
Instantly, Finn's screams turned to dull roars, though the multicolored light continued to shine from underneath the towel. "What was that?" he wheezed.
"Painkiller jawbreaker." the heroine said matter-of-factly. "It's only temporary. And given your situation, I dunno how long it'll la-"
"It's almost here!" squeaked the doctor. "Three centimeters...four centimeters...three centimeters-"
"WHAT?" screamed Finn, giving the doctor a wide-eyed look.
"I DON'T KNOW!" she yelled back, finally snapping, eyes ablaze with anger. "YOU'VE GOT A FRIGGIN' PENIS, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HOW THAT THING PUSHES OUT A SMALL WATERMELON?"
Everyone stared at the enraged doctor, who blushed and retracted. "E-either way, it's almost here."
The lights suddenly tripled in brightness, nearly blinding everyone in the room. "It's coming!" screamed the doctor, her vanilla starting to melt.
"OH MY GLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"
Two hours later...
After he had finally gotten some rest, his bits nursed, all throwable objects within his reach moved far, far away and given some several quarts of medicine milk, Finn was smiling wide enough to split the heavens, his new bundle of joy held tightly in his hands in a silk pink blanket.
Finn turned to see Marshall Lee standing next to him, a warm smile on his face, eyes slightly misty from tears.
"Yeah." said Finn, moving the blankets aside to show her to the vampire. "She really is."
Her skin was sickly green like Lee's, but lighter in color, representative of Finn's human blood coursing through her. Two tiny dots were on the left side of her neck, the same spot where Lee's were. She had short blonde and black hair that fell to the back of her neck and piercing red eyes that were now closed. She snored lightly, her cute little button nose wrinkling as she dreamed.
"So, what're we gonna call her?" said Finn, rocking her gently. He hadn't seen anything so cute since Princess Bubblegum when she was thirteen.
Marshall Lee tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Hm...Lauren?"
Thinking for a moment, Finn shook his head. "Nah."
Lee sighed and slumped in midair, wracking his brain trying to come up with a name.
And then it hit him.
"I've got it." he said, pounding his fist into his palm.
"Do tell." smirked Finn, gently bobbing the small child up and down.
Lee stared at Finn and slowly, a smile broke out on the immortal's face. "That's...perfect."
There was a small knock on the door to the maternity ward and Princess Bubblegum poked her head inside. "Can we come in?"
Finn nodded and Lee waved them in. "Yeah, yeah. Finn's dick is all fine now." "DU-UDE!"
The crowd flowed in, swarming around Finn and his precious new daughter.
"She's so cute!" cooed Bubblegum, making baby-talk to the little vampirette. Gwynn giggled and squealed happily, flashing a set of VERY menacing fangs.
"I'm not even scared of her..." gushed Jake, eyes shining. "She's too adorable to be terrifying."
Marceline huffed and blew a strand of hair out of her face. "Psht. I was WAY cuter when I was a baby."
"Sounds like someone's jealous." snickered Beemo, snapping pictures of Gwynn. Marceline only hissed in response.
"Here, I've got something for her." said Fionna. Reaching into her pack, she pulled out the bare handle of a nodaichi. It was black as night, with a silver diamond pattern and a gold crossguard.
Finn cocked an eyebrow at it. "You got her...a sword handle?"
Fionna smiled and shook her head, taking back the handle. "Not exacters." Holding the handle up, she pressed the side of it. With a loud *shwing!* sound, a 9-foot blade burst from the handle, slicing into the upper floor and sending a few pieces of plaster falling down.
Finn drooled a little as Fionna retracted the sword and handled it to Marshall. "Whoa dingle..."
"Yeah." giggled Fionna. "Figured she'd be as into swords as you are, so...why not?"
Marshall Lee gave Fionna a huge bear-hug, making the blonde blush. "Thanks, kiddo. That was super sweet. Oh, and while you're here, I have some news. Finny-boy and I have decided on the godparents."
With wide eyes, everyone leaned in closely.
"Marceline and PB." piped up Finn, grinning cheekily. Lee turned to huff at his wife. "Dude, *I* wanted to tell..."
Marceline stared openmouthed at Finn and Lee, who stared back with stupid smiles on their faces. "You...CANT be serious. There is NO FREAKING WAY the two of us are gonna-"
"We'd LOVE to!" squealed Bubblegum, grabbing Marceline into a big hug. "I can teach her about science! And Marceline'd be more than happy to help, right?"
"Like STUFF!" hissed Marceline, trying to pry Bubblegum off of her.
"Ooh, ooh, I've got something for her, too!" said Jake. Reaching into the large paper bag he had brought with him, he pulled out a big, magnificent, most excellently kicking bass guitar.
Like Lee and Marceline's, it was based off of a weapon, in this case...
"A CHAINSAW?" shrieked Finn, pulling Gwynn away from the admittedly badass bass. "Are you serious?"
"Relax." Jake said, plucking a few of the strings and checking the pull cord. "She'll grow into it." As if on cue, Gwynn squealed in delight, throwing out her hands and reaching for the deadly instrument. "Aw, see, she loves it!"
"Where did you even find that thing?" seethed Finn. "Who would MAKE that?"
"I got it off of OooBay." shrugged the dog.
After a few more gifts given, including a ball of yarn from Cake (that she mentally struggled to part with), an auto-refilling smoothie cup from Bubblegum, one of Marceline's unbreakable guitar picks, it was time for Finn and Lee to go home, with Gwynn in tow.
"Oh, I almost forgot." Finn said as they rode on Jake's back. "No sex for six months."
"WHAT?" yelled Lee, looking at his blonde incredulously.
"Hey, be thankful I didn't make it a year like I said the first time." replied Finn.
"But...but..." huffed the immortal.
Finn silenced Lee by wrapping him in a big hug and giving him a kiss on the cheek. "Now, Marshall, you know I love you. And I'm gonna be sad the whole time you're celibate...but you split my penis in half, man."
There's a special place in hell for what I just wrote here~ :3