Once Upon a Mattress: Harry Potter Style

by

Holly

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the HP characters, and "Once Upon a Mattress" is the property of Mary Rodgers.

Summary: Okay, I've decided that I'm going to bring James and Lily back to life to do this because it wasn't working out the other way I wanted to do this. I'll be using their real names though. The list is just so you know who's who. Enjoy!

Cast

Minstrel- Remus Lupin

Princess Number 12- Katie Bell

Wizard- Dumbledore

Lady Larken- Lavender Brown

Queen Aggravain- Lily Potter

Prince Dauntless- Harry Potter

King Sextimus the Silent- James Potter

Jester- Sirius Black

Sir Studley- Draco Malfoy

Sir Luce- Fred Weasley

1st Knight- George Weasley

2nd Knight- Dean Thomas

3rd Knight- Seamus Finnegan

Lady Rowena- Angelina Johnson

Lady Merrill- Alicia Spinnet

Lady Lucille- Ginny Weasley

Sir Harry- Ron Weasley

Wench- Cho Chang *snickers*

Princess Winnifred- Hermione Granger

Lady Mabelle- Fleur Delacour

Act One

Scene 1

Not too long ago, in the Kingdom of Gryffindor, there lived a prince. His name was Prince Harry. He was very gloomy, for he did not have a bride. They had gone through thirteen princesses. As I recall that day, when I had arrived at the Gryffindor Palace, I remember distinctly that the twelfth princess was being tested. Her name was Katie Bell.

"Are you ready for the next question?" asked Dumbledore to the young princess.

"I guess so," said Katie. The ladies and knights leaned in to hear the question.

"Name three Kings. Is that clear?"

"Yes." Katie paused. "Would you repeat the question?" The ladies and knights groaned.

"Certainly. Name three kings."

"May I take the third king first?" Dumbledore nodded "yes". "The three kings are…"

"Is this a trial?" I asked Lady Angelina.

"No, it's a royalty test to find out if she's a true princess," Angelina replied.

"King John, King Arthur, and…" said Katie.

"Does it matter if she's a true princess?" I replied.

"Oh yes," spoke up another lady, Lady Alicia. "If she's a true princess, then we can all get married."

"King Ethelred," said Katie positively.

"That's absolutely correct!" said Dumbledore and everyone but the queen cheered.

"She's smart Mama. She's the best one yet!" said Prince Harry. "Can I marry her now Mama? Can I?"

"No sweetheart," said Queen Lily. "There's still ONE more question." She snapped her fingers and Dumbledore came over to her.

"This test isn't going to be fair," spoke up Lady Virginia, who preferred to be called Ginny.

"It's the law that isn't fair," said Alicia.

"Law?" I asked.

"The Marriage law," said Ginny. "Throughout the land, no one may wed, 'til Harry to the Altar's led."

"Harry?" I asked.

"The prince," said Angelina. "Until he gets married, none of us can."

"You have now reached the 7th plateau," said Dumbledore to Katie. The crowd got anxious. "Here is your final question, concerning a man often referred to as the Knight of the Red Cross. 1. What was his name, 2. What beast did he slay, 3. How many rows of teeth did the beast have and what kind, and 4. What was the middle name, of the daughter-in-law, of the best friend, of the blacksmith, who forged the sword that killed the beast?" As Dumbledore read this, the knights and ladies groaned.

"1. St. George," said Katie. The crowd got excited. "2. The dragon, 3. Twelve rows of teeth and they were iron, and 4. Would you repeat the question." The crowd groaned again.

"What was the middle name, of the daughter-in-law, of the best friend, of the blacksmith, who forged the sword that killed the beast?"

"The middle name?" asked Katie

"The middle name."

"The daughter-in-law?"

"In-law. You have thirty seconds," said Dumbledore as he pulled out an hourglass. He laughed wickedly.

"Oh pass, please pass," spoke up a lady by the name of Lavender.

"Do you speak my lady?" I asked.

"No, I--" she seemed flustered.

"Twenty seconds," said Dumbledore

"Oh…" said Katie as she thought.

"I wish her success, she is a pretty little thing," I said, keeping my eyes on Lavender.

"Ten seconds."

"Ohhh…"

"I'm terribly sorry…"

"OHHH…"

"…Your time is up." Everyone groaned. I could see a few girls crying and Lavender was very sullen.

"Too bad, my dear, too bad," said Queen Lily. "You do show a certain aptitude, but as for the true brilliance of royalty…well, I'm afraid not. Remember, blood will tell, and yours didn't quite tell us enough." Sir Draco handed the queen a large dead bird, and Queen Lily handed the bird to Katie and continued.

"However, to show that there are no hard feelings, here is a nice consolation prize for you. Goodbye, good luck, and…GET OUT." As Katie ran out weeping, Prince Harry pouted.

"Sweetheart…Harry!" Stop pouting!" said Lily. A girl screamed. King James had goosed her.

"Now don't dilly-dally, Harry. It's nearly time for your cocoa." She walked away and with that, Harry broke out into song.

Harry: Oh I liked her

Lavender: So did I!

Harry: Why does every princess get the bird?

Alicia: (spoken) it's just absurd!

Angelina: (spoken) I've never heard a test so difficult to pass!

Harry: Alas a lass is what I lack I lack a lass, alas alack

Knights: throughout the land, no one may wed 'til Harry shares his marriage bed!

Ladies: Oh------- The lonely spinster's life! Go and get the prince a royal wife!

All: We have an opening for a princess for a genuine certified princess

Ladies: tell us when you intend to end this dilemma we're in

Knights: None of the ladies give a fig for living' in sin

All: We have an opening for a princess for a beautiful, bonafide princess

Ladies: Where's the dutiful Knight who'll right all the wrongs we've been done?

Knights: None of the ladies are having' any fun!

Ladies: What to do what to do. Pity the ladies in waiting. Four Eight

Knights: What to do what to do. Pity the gentlemen two Six

All: Ten eleven twelve contenders in a row

Knights: they came, they were tested

Ladies: then swiftly requested to go for a princess for a genuine certified princess

Ladies: tell us when you intend to send us a girl who can pass

Knights: Ohhh---- Go and get the prince a royal wife

Knights: None of the ladies are having' any

All: no one is having' any No one is gettin' any younger and it's been god-knows-how-long since we've had an opening for a princess who's good enough, nice enough, sweet enough, smart enough, rich enough for our poor prince!

Everyone dispersed and Dumbledore came over to me.

"Remus! You've arrived!"

"Yes I am Dumbledore."

"Splendid, splendid!" He took out a piece of parchment. "Watch closely. I take a plain piece of parchment with no cuts, no folds, creases, or concealed pockets…"

At this time, Sirius Black, who was the court jester, shook his bells in front of Dumbledore's face.

"Well?" asked Dumbledore. "What is it?"

"Excuse me, Albus, but I have to take Remus to sign in with the castle steward."

"This way please!" said a knight. It was Sir Fred Weasley's twin, Sir George.

"I'm on my way to Normandy. I won't be staying long," I said as George and I left.

"For your father's sake," said Dumbledore to Sirius, " I put up with a good deal from you. Don't address me as Albus in Court. Just because you're father and I were in show business together, don't presume!" Sirius and Dumbledore as Sir Ronald Weasley came over to Lady Lavender, who was talking to a knight.

"Ho! Sir Ron!" said Dean Thomas. Lavender ran over to Ron.

"My darling, you missed the test," she said as they parted from a hug.

"Sweet Lavender, my new responsibilities as Chivalric Knight of the Herald keep me busy," said Sir Ron.

"The latest princess was a failure."

"NO!" said Sir Ron shocked.

"Yes," said Lavender sadly.

"Bad Luck," said Ron. "But don't despair for we have plenty of time. If a true princess is not found within the next few months I will go out and find one myself, or I don't deserve to wear my spurs."

"Darling…?" asked Lavender.

"My love?" he replied.

"Do you remember the Royal Joust on Whitsunday, when you won those spurs?"

"Of course."

"When you were called Sir Ron, the Fairest and Bravest knight in all the land, and everyone agreed that you had a brilliant future ahead of you; that someday you'd be Lord Chamberlain or even Prime Minister?

"Well," said Ron laughing, "I don't know about Prime Minister."

"Do you remember the lovely picnic we all had later on the greensward with the lovely cold pheasant?"

"Yes."

"And you and I wandered away from the others and watched the sun go down?"

"Yes."

"And a bushel of Lavender was springing up from the ground and you said that you'd remember that moment forever because the beauty of the flower reminded you of me?"

"Yes, Lavender, yes."

"And then, we watched the sun go down?" she grinned devilishly.

"Yes," Ron sighed happily.

"Well," began Lavender. She took a deep breath. "I'm going to have a baby." Ron stopped in his tracks, stunned at this. "So you see, a princess for Dauntless must be found, or I shall have to go away somewhere."

"Uh…. Uhrm…" he stuttered.

"Oh darling," said Lavender, "I'm so worried. This will ruin you and you'd never be Prime Minister or anything! Just say the word and I'll go. I'll go far away from here! Say the word Ron!"

"No," said Ron after pausing briefly. "Why should we suffer all our lives just because you had a moment of the weakness?"

"Oh Ron!" cried Lavender as she threw herself in his arms.

"We're none of us perfect. Everything's going to be all right."

"Oh Ron!" cried Lavender. Ron started to sing.

Ron: It won't be long

It won't be long

It won't because it can't be long

Before our dream comes true

Because you know I don't belong

And furthermore I shan't belong

To anyone but you

Lavender: In a little while

Just a little while

You and I will be one two three four

In a little while I will see your smile

On the face of my son to be

Forever hand in glove

Is the way I have it planned.

But I'll only stay in love

If the glove contains your hand

In a velvet gown I'll be coming down the aisle

And it's bound to seem as though

The waiting's only been a little

In a little while.

Ron: (spoken) Have you any idea how soon my love?

Lavender: November.

Ron: November?!!

Lavender: My time is at a premium

For soon the world will see me a

Maternal bride to be

I know I mustn't worry Ronny

Still I wish you'd hurry Ronny

Ronny marry me!

Ron: In a little while

Just a little while

You and I will be one two three four

In a little while I will see your smile

On the face of my son to be

Forever hand in glove

Is the way I have it planned.

But I'll only stay in love

If the glove contains your hand

Both: In a Velvet gown you'll/I'll be coming down the aisle

And it's bound to seem as though

The waiting's only been a little

In a little while

They walked away, hand in hand, looking at each other.

To be continued…