Boilerplate Disclaimer: The various characters from the Kim Possible series are all owned by Disney. Any and all registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.
Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better
"Give it up, Shego," Kim grunted as she kicked at her green foe.
"No way, Pumpkin," Shego retorted, moving to avoid the kick and striking back at Kim, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
Kim parried the pale woman's fist and aimed a punch of her own. "In your dreams. I always win."
"Don't make me laugh," Shego shot back, flipping out of Kim's range then launching a drop kick. "You're the one who ends up in the death traps."
Kim leapt into the air, rendering the older woman's attack futile, "And I'm still alive while you're the one who always ends up in jail."
"And yet here I am, fighting you," her foe pointed out. "They might as well just give me a key or put in a revolving door. I'm better than you."
"No you're not."
"Yes I am. I repeat," Shego reminded Kim, "Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you."
During Shego's rant Kim managed to flip her, "No, you can't." the cheerleader taunted.
Shego rolled and came back, tripping Kim, "Yes, I can."
"No, you can't," Kim answered. Kim's own blow was ineffective.
"Yes, I can," Shego answered as Kim sidestepped the green woman's kick.
"No, you can't."
"Yes, I can!"
The two woman stood a few feet apart, each trying to hide the fact she was panting slightly from the exertion. "Speed, endurance, strength, swimming, you name it, I'm better," Kim insisted.
"You need to schedule a trip to a psychiatrist," Shego told her in a soothing tone. "You've lost all touch with reality."
"If there's anyone crazy here it's you."
"Ha! Tell you what Pumpkin, name a competition, and next Saturday I'll prove I'm better."
"Next Saturday you'll be in jail."
"Me? Afraid of you? No way!"
"Name it then. Oh, and no calling the cops and setting a trap – that would just prove you were too much of a coward to face me."
"I'm not afraid of you. I told you, you'll be in jail."
"Reality check," Shego called, with a sweep of her leg she knocked Kim off her feet, then sprinted to the hovercar. "Well?" Shego called before exiting through the hole in the roof.
"I'll be at the Middleton Athletic Center at one," Kim told her, then fired her grappling hook around a beam and swung up towards the hovercar. "You'll be in jail."
Shego's hand blazed green, melting the cable and Kim plunged four meters to the floor, "That's gonna leave a bruise," the older woman predicted as she escaped.
On the next Saturday Ron waited nervously with Kim at the Middleton Athletic Center, "You don't really think she'll come, do you?"
"I'm not sure," Kim admitted. "If she doesn't show up I'll accuse her of being afraid to face me. I'm pretty sure she knows that."
"She'll set up a trap of some kind," he predicted.
Rufus popped his head out of Ron's pocket and nodded agreement, "Uh-huh."
At precisely one Shego put in her appearance. She looked at Ron, sizing up his potential as an opponent and then shrugged, "Brought a witness for your humiliation?" she asked Kim.
"I brought a witness for yours. So, how are we going to do this?"
"I'll let you pick an event, then, after I beat you in that, I'll pick a second event to whip you in. Your choice Princess – where do you want me to beat you first?"
"Balance beam," Kim answered promptly. "Try not to hurt yourself."
"I'll try not to hurt your feelings… try not to hurt them too bad anyway… Hey, how do we score that? I'm not going to let doofus sidekick here say you won."
"I hadn't thought of… I didn't really think you'd show up—"
"No way I'd pass up a chance to show you up."
"Hey, I see the gymnastics coach here with his daughter. We'll ask him."
"Bring it on Pumpkin, I'm ready for you."
"We'll see about that."
Twenty-three minutes later Coach Bronski announced, "Kim had the better performance."
"See," Kim told her smugly. "Told you."
"A coach at your high school? I'm supposed to believe he was fair?"
Ron spoke up, "KP's routine was harder, and she stuck the—"
"If I want your opinion," Shego snarled, "I'll beat it out of you." She turned to Kim, "Get you ass over to the bench press. I'll whip you so bad you'll have to admit you lost."
"Well, if you beat me," Kim said, "I won't whine like you did when you got beat."
"I don't whine and I didn't get beat! Bench press, now!"
"So, how are we going to do this?" Kim asked when they moved to the weight room. "Is it, like, how many reps at a hundred pounds or something?"
"A hundred pounds?" Shego scoffed. "That all you can do?"
"I don't want to show you up too badly," Kim answered. "What do you want, one-twenty? One-fifty?"
Shego yawned, "This isn't even a competition. Three hundred."
"I don't kid, I win." The green woman pulled out the pin at the seventy pound plate and moved it to the bottom of the stack. "You first," she invited.
"You go first," Kim insisted. "No way can she do that."
Shego lay down on the bench and took a couple deep breaths, concentrated, and quickly did a half dozen reps. She stood and nodded to Kim, "Your turn Princess."
Kim lay down on the bench. "If she can do it, I can do it," she told herself. She took a couple deep breaths, concentrated, and strained with all her might. She couldn't manage a full lift.
"See, I'm better," Shego boasted.
"I did better in agility, and that's more important than brute strength," Kim argued.
"And that's sour grapes, Loser," Shego taunted.
"You pick a competition then."
"I have things to do, I—"
"Two weeks from today. Go to my website. No, 'I'm a better thief' competition. That's like me saying an honesty competition – which I'd win, and that's better than being a crook."
"I'll consider it… I'm out of here. I have a life."
"Working for Drakken is a life?" Ron called as the green woman headed for the door of the athletic center. The green woman gritted her teeth. Working for Drakken was not a life, it was a job, but she was not about to admit that to the pair.
On Sunday morning Drakken knocked on the door to Shego's quarters in the lair. "Breakfast," he called in a cheery voice. "I made blueberry pancakes."
"Not hungry," Shego groaned from her room.
"But you love—"
"Not hungry! Go away!"
"I need you to steal a guidance system for—"
"Go away! I'm using sick leave."
"Don't make me hurt you! Go away!"
The final 'Go away' had not been necessary. The threat of 'Don't make me hurt you,' had been enough to get the blue man moving away from her quarters. It was fortunate the threat alone had been enough to drive him off, at the moment she couldn't hurt a fly. Shego lay in bed, in pain and unable to move her arms. "Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to lift my arms enough to feed myself or brush my teeth," she told herself. She debated whether beating Kim in the competition justified the pain she was now suffering and concluded, "Yes, yes it does."
On Thursday Kim took a call from Wade on the Kimmunicator, "Weird hit on the website."
"What do you mean?"
"It sounds a little like Shego, and sounds like a challenge."
"It is. She claimed she was better than me. We had a preliminary competition last Saturday… Didn't I tell you?"
"The way you know everything I probably just figured you knew. What did she say?"
"Tell Pumpkin the Lowerton track at two-thirty. She needs to bring her running shoes – if she's not yellow."
"Lowerton track? Does she mean the track at the high school?"
"I don't know – she's not from around here. I'd guess she means the Lowerton Speedway, there are no events this weekend and it's the longest track in Lowerton."
"Or maybe she'll say I showed up at the wrong place and say I was afraid to face her. Can you send a reply asking for details?"
"I can try."
Two weeks after the initial competition Ron and Kim cruised around the parking lot at the Lowerton Speedway. They noticed green and black ribbons tied on one gate and investigated. The padlock was gone and the two went in. Shego was in the press box with a pair of binoculars. The two appeared to be alone so she went down to meet them.
"Two races," the green woman proposed. "A hundred yard sprint and two miles."
"Two miles," Kim scoffed, "Is that all you can do?"
"It's not all I can do," Shego snarled. "I don't have all day to waste proving I'm better than you."
Ron spoke up, "I still don't understand why you're trying to show you're as good as—"
"Better!" Shego shouted. "I'm better than the cheerleader. I'm going to rub her nose in it."
Ron continued to irritate Shego with, "So why are you afraid to run as far as—"
"I'm not afraid of anything!" Shego turned to Kim. "How far do you want?"
"I didn't really have a distance, I was just asking… Five times around the track? That's… um… a little less than four miles."
"You're on, Princess." She turned to Ron, "Sidekick, can you watch the finish line without cheating too much?"
"Ron is always fair," Kim insisted.
"Too dumb to cheat huh?"
Ron spoke up in his own defense, "Hey, I know how to cheat."
Kim closed her eyes and a pained expression went across her face as Shego laughed. "Fair play, Ron, fair play."
"When you see my back as I cross the finish line you'll know I won anyway," Shego predicted.
Shego had neglected to bring a tape measure for an exact distance, "Thought you'd be afraid to show up," she explained.
The two women stood side to side and Ron paced off what he guessed was a hundred yards, "This look right?" he called.
"Close enough." "Okay."
"Do I get a flag to wave or something?"
"Just tell us when to start," Kim suggested.
"And let Princess know that I won," Shego added.
"On your mark," Ron called. "Get set… Go…"
Ten second later Shego boasted, "See, I'm better than you."
Kim wasn't certain if Shego had made a fair start or jumped the call to go, but she wasn't going to complain. "You may have more experience in running away. Let's see how you do on distance."
Shego took off at a sprinter's pace at the start of the five lap race, and almost lapped Kim on her first time around the track. Kim set a steady pace and narrowed the distance slightly on the second lap as Shego proved unable to maintain the fast pace. On the third lap Shego was starting to sweat while Kim was running comfortably and conserving her strength. On the fourth lap Shego could hear Kim's steps as the redhead almost caught up. The green woman tried to increase her pace, but had put too much energy into her initial sprint. Half way through the fifth lap Kim went into the lead. Shego gave it everything she had and briefly almost caught up with Kim. The green woman's reserves exhausted she was around twenty meters behind Kim when the redhead finished. Kim looked like she could have continued running.
"I started faster," Shego panted.
"And you finished second," Ron pointed out. "KP beat you fair and square. She's got endurance."
"I don't need endurance, I can always beat her so fast I don't need endurance."
"When I say things like that," Ron told her, "my mom says I'm just making excuses."
"Can you put a muzzle on your lap dog?" Shego suggested to Kim. "He's starting to get annoying."
"Truth hurts, huh?" Kim asked.
"Upperton triathalon in a couple months," Ron suggested.
"Ron!" Kim protested.
"I don't need to wait months to show I'm better than Pumpkin here," Shego warned. "Pick another competition. Anything… Nothing domestic… I don't make cakes and I don't jump out of them."
"That's okay," Ron told her. "Kim is a terrible cook. One time she—"
"Ron!" Kim protested again.
"And she told me about one time when she tried to iron a blouse. It had this—"
"Shego said no domestic stuff," Kim said, punctuating the comment with a gentle shove on his shoulder. "It's enough to respect she doesn't want to demonstrate her weakness in the area."
Shego was chuckling through the exchange. "I might beat you… But I said your choice, What'll it be?"
"Swimming," Kim told her. "Middleton has a new San Francisco Fitness. Two weeks from today, two in the afternoon."
Shego shrugged, "Going to give me the events? We could do more than two." "She doesn't know I was on the Central High swim team."
"Low and high dive?" Kim suggested. "Full-size pool… One lap and eight hundred meters?" "She doesn't know I'm on the Middleton High swim team." "Of course, if you're in jail I'll understand if you don't show up."
"I'll be there, count on it." "Going to get in shape for that triathalon. She only beat me today because I didn't pace myself."
The swimming competition was another split decision.
Kim missed the next competition because of a rescue mission.
Shego won the tennis match the next week, losing the first, close set, and winning the second set by a wide margin before the third set which went on for almost two hours with the advantage going back and forth before Shego finally managed to put it away.
Monique had been recruited as a line judge for the tennis match and volunteered to put together a quiz to see if both Kim and Shego could prove they were smarter than a fifth grader. The green woman protested her belief that Monique could not be trusted – convinced she would tell Kim the answers in advance.
"She won't tell me any answers," Kim insisted. "You may need to cheat to win, but I play fair."
"I don't need to cheat to beat you," Shego sneered. "But have you ever noticed that the biggest crooks in the world insist they're honest? At least I have the honesty to tell you I'm evil."
The two women tied in total right answers. Kim did slightly better in three categories: English, math, and science, but Shego did much better in history.
"I guess there are advantages in being old," Kim mused when Monique gave them the scores. "More history happened in your life."
Ron and Monique separated Kim and Shego in the ensuing fight.
No victors could be declared in the skiing competition. Kim and Shego were so close that neither would admit the other could have won. Neither Ron nor Monique were able to serve as an arbiter. Monique twisted her ankle on her first run on the bunny slope and Ron had helped her to the lodge and stayed to make sure she kept the ankle elevated and didn't run out of hot chocolate.
It was getting dark before Kim and Shego came into the lodge, arguing.
"Did you go down all the slopes?" Ron asked.
"All the big ones," Kim answered.
"Twice," Shego explained. I beat her both times on the forest slope."
"And I beat you both times on the ridge slope."
"You were just lucky."
"And you weren't? The only–"
"Uh, can you finish your argument later?" Ron asked. "Monique and I want to get home."
As he helped her off the couch to walk to the parking lot Monique winced, "You are not going right home," she warned Ron, putting an arm over his shoulder for support. "I need a little more TLC for the ankle. You're gonna stop at my place for awhile. We should be back in time for Steel Toe in the Parallelogram of Peril special. You want to watch it with us, Kim?"
"Wrestling? I'll pass. I'm tired from beating Shego skiing – I'm going to turn in early."
"Get back on your meds," Shego suggested. "You're delusional."
Monique's brother and two of his buddies were also there for the wrestling match, forcing Ron and Monique very close together on the couch. After the program the other three left and Ron stood up to leave.
"Not yet," Monique told him firmly. She pointed to her ankle. "You got to make me some popcorn and bring me a glass of ice and a diet Coke before you can leave. Hey, want to watch the movie with me? Father Goose."
"Isn't it Mother Goose?"
"No, the movie is called Father Goose. Comedy set in World War II."
"Jews don't find a lot funny in World War II."
"And African-Americans do? The popcorn is in the cupboard over the microwave. Diet Coke is at the bottom of the pantry, get one for yourself. Hey, watch ten minutes with me and decide if you want to stay for the whole movie."
They sat close to share the popcorn. Partway through the movie Monique giggled and started feeding him popcorn. "Hey, what are you doing?" he demanded.
"You were taking such good care of me at the lodge today, I'm saying thanks by feeding you."
"Popcorn is how you say thanks?"
"Well, no," she admitted. She chuckled, "Usually I prefer this way." She leaned over to give him a fast kiss.
She meant it to be a fast kiss. He wasn't expecting a kiss at all. It had been meant as a joke, but it felt good to both of them and lasted longer than intended.
The kiss ended suddenly - both looked shocked. Ron stood up, backing away from Monique. "I'd, uh, better get home."
"Yeah… Yeah… I… Thanks…"
"It was… Yeah… See you Monday."