Disclaimer: Valve owns Portal, thank God, because look what everyone here would be doing with them if they owned it.
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Once upon a time, GLaDOS was sitting on her ass in the big room where you fight her. She was really bored, you see, and so she suddenly decided she wanted to do something really out of character and bring a certain idiotic core back to Aperture. Even though he had already been given a fate worse than death, GLaDOS had secretly always dreamed of being a shallow plot point for an author who desu kawaii loved Wheatley's cute British accent and thus wanted him to be in a human body and/or android body capable of sexytiem for all the people on Tumblr reading it who hadn't actually even played Portal 1 because there was no Wheatley so no one gave a fuck. You mean Portal 2 is a sequel game?
So she brought Wheatley back and said in her best two-dimensional villain voice "I am going to make you sad by shoving you in a human body that I had lying around! Legitimate science, LOL what is that?"
And then Wheatley woke up and he was like "Insert kyoot British dialogue here!" and everyone went "aww" because he said something Britishy and that was really cute and they loved him and drew pictures of him as sexy and forgot all about him ever being a metal ball incapable of sex.
But this wasn't good enough yet, because nobody was having sex at the present moment, so they went and got Chell back somehow and she was really horny for some reason, because when you've had a horrible miserable torturous experience you get horny and decide that sex is your first priority. AND IF YOU SAY ANYTHING ELSE YOU'RE WRONG BECAUSE SHIPPING IS TOTALLY CANON IN PORTAL. HEADCANON HEADCANON HEADCANON I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALA.
When Chell saw Wheatley's omg super sexy blonde-haired blue-eyed glasses-wearing sexy and also sexy human form, she stopped caring about everything in her life and just fapped for about ten hours. Lots of words to describe vaginas were then used.
But GLaDOS was still all butthurt and shit because she was still just a lame villain with all the personality and importance of a stamp collection and so she was all like "CHUUUU~ CHELL I LOVE YOU TOO!" and threw herself into the magical humany machine of infinite desu and she came out all looking like Lady Gaga with white hair and 6 foot with 2% body fat and a nice rack and a big rape face that made everyone explode into rainbow-colored jizz.
So then Chell was unsure about which team she was playing for, because her only purpose in this story was to be a vehicle for the person reading it to bang their AI of choice. Her eyes derped and she whipped out her 12 inch dick, ready to have a go at it with whichever AI made it over to her first. For a second it looked like Wheaties was gonna get the moneyshot, then GLaDOS, and it kept going back and forth so Chell had to keep re-aligning her glorious manhood according to who was in the lead.
But then something horribly happened! I mean horrible! GLaDOS and Wheatley started humping each other! Fangirls screeched in horror since this was the one pairing that made their wieners shrink in fear, because it was harder to force both of them to be horribly out of character at the same time, unlike Chell, who is mute and thus she can be a horny bitch hounding after wang if I fucking want her to. And I fucking want her to. And also it's canon because I made Wheatley say British words and stuff.
Chell gasped and pulled out a big dildo that she had been hiding in her ass, and promptly began beating the AIs with it, who were now producing copious amount of sex fluids because they were really advanced androids that could shoot cum everywhere, LOLZ. Aperture has invested billions of dollars in Robot Cum Technology because Cave Johnson liked to fuck robots too like every other good upstanding American.
In a shocking twist of fate, the dildo assault only served to intensify the AI-on-AI action and Chell got frustrated and decided to go find one of the personality cores to have fisting fun time with and then shortly after GLaDOS and Wheatley spontaneously combusted and everyone was really sad but not that sad because they decided to go write about ponies having sex instead.
AND THAT'S THE END.
A/N: Yeah, I noticed no one seems to make troll fics that are at all representative of what really goes on here. The troll fics attack Mary Sues and shit, as if they're the real threat to canon here. Yeaaaah. Riiiggght. Okay.
Special thanks to Fanfiction dot net for for fucking up all stories posted in the past 12 hours and forcing me to re-upload this. UNABLE TO LOCATE STORY. HURR. I'm guessing the fat idiot who runs the server spilled his coffee on it or something.