Author's Note: I got the idea while seeing so many pictures involving Seneca Crane's beard. Then, I figured, "Seneca MUST give facial hair grooming lessons to Roy, since Roy has that ugly mustache". So, I went with the idea, and here it is. It's post-Brotherhood/manga, so pretend Edward was at Central visiting Roy, 'kay?

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist or The Hunger Games.


It caused chaos.

To simply put, it became the talk of all housewives in Amestris, foreign luminaries ridiculed him for it, and Riza wouldn't let him have sex with her because of it.

Was this a new military tactic General Roy Mustang was trying out? Nope, it was his mustache.

"Hey, Bastard General. You're looking evil with that mustache today," Edward greeted as he passed Roy in the hall.

"Hey, Fullmetal. You're looking quite short with those platform shoes today," Roy said back.

And that is how a mustache indirectly caused the destruction of the office's water cooler.


Roy returned to his apartment later that night, drunk and smelling of other women's lipstick.

"Rizaaaaaa! Roy's - *hic* - home!" Roy cried as he collapsed into his favorite easy chair.

"You must be Roy. Your girlfriend has told me all about your mustache woes."

Roy turned his chair around, and he saw a man around his age. Like Roy, he had facial hair. But, this facial hair was more... Exquisite. The way the beard curled, the way the light hit the beard, the way it complimented the man's facial features... Yep, Roy got jealous.

"Who the hell are you?" Roy cried as he got out one of Riza's guns. The man sushed him.

"My name is Seneca Crane, and I have come all the way to Amestris to make your facial hair pretty again," The man explained. Roy just blinked.

"Nothing's wrong with my mustache," Roy stated.

"You mean 'douche stache' or 'porn stache', right?" Seneca asked as he held up a mirror for Roy to see. Roy screamed like a little girl.

"You're right! My facial hair is quite hideous! Can you fix the problem, Mr. Seneca Crane?" Roy pleaded. Seneca Crane then stroked his Seneca Crane beard.

"I will. But, it's gonna take some time. A mustache as bad as yours will take a few hours to fix," Seneca explained.

"Can you fix it by tomorrow morning? I need to give a speech to all of Amestris," Roy asked the man with the awesome beard.

"I can try, but I can't guarentee that it will be perfect," Seneca explained.


"Are you sure they'll like it?" Roy asked. The lower part of his face from the nose down was covered with a hankie.

"They'll LOVE it," Seneca re-assured the General. "Now, go out there and show off your awesome face!"

Roy then stepped up to the podium, ready to face the large crowd. He cleard his throat.

"Good morning. Before we begin, I would like to show off my new facial hair, since my old mustache was... Ugly," Roy said before he removed the hankie. All of the crowd gasped in shock.

"My eyes!" A poor Ishvalan war vet cried.

"Mommy, what's that?" Little Elysia Hughes asked as she pointed to her mommy, Graciela. Graciela then covered Elysia's eyes.

"Don't look at it, sweetie! That's the work of a bad man!" Graciela explained.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Winry said before grabbing the nearest trash bin and throwing up into it. For the rest of the day, people rioted in the streets of Central. Why?

Roy was now sporting a Seneca Crane beard.


Ending Note: Remember, kids, Roy's facial hair is bad, while Seneca Crane's facial hair is good.

Review if you want to see a parody of the Spongebob episode Something Smells, which will involve Roy's mustache.