A quirky little follow-up to 'Joan Jett and the Black Heart.' You don't need to read that one, but you should...just because I said so.
Batteries Not Included
"Draco!" Bella's screech echoed off the manor's stone walls. "Draaaaco!" She rounded the corner into the drawing room. "DraCO!"
"What in the name of all that is magical do you want, you galling harpy?" It wasn't Draco who asked, but his father. Seated in a pretentious velvet wingback before an equally pretentious fire was the exhorbitantly pretentious Lucius Malfoy.
Bella lurched to a stop beside his chair. Her stiff leather corset creaked when she leaned into Lucius' ear. "I want your son," she explained slowly. "You conceited shite-eating homo. Have you seen him?"
Lucius smiled sweetly up at his sister-in-law. "I have not, our dearest most lovely hellspawn. But I believe he and his mother planned to practice his runes today before he returns to school."
Bella blinked down at him, her face blank. "Lucius, Lucius, Lucius...my poor deluded imbecile." She stroked his long, silky hair affectionately. "You know they're fucking, right?"
Lucius drew away from her touch. "Disgusting," he said. "How dare you make such an accusation, you vile and villainous vixen. And what the devil is that thing?" He gestured to the object in her hands with his half-empty brandy snifter.
"It's my muggle music box, you sweet and saucy scut." Bella patted his head sympathetically and held up her stereo. "It's broken again. Draco always fixes it."
Lucius scowled at it. "Is that blood on it?"
Bella huffed. "Nevermind." Pausing in the archway, she turned coyly back to Lucius. "I say…when reality sets in, and you're feeling…neglected…come find me." He glared at her. She shrugged and exited. "I always thought we might have some fun, is all. DRACO!" Lucius sighed behind her and returned to his Daily Prophet.
"Dracoooo!" Her caterwaul echoed up the stone stairs. "Little draaaaaaagon!" It wavered down the second floor corridor. "Mummy's boy!" She shouted down the third floor hallway, and danced a little jig when a door opened.
"What the fuck?" Draco's head poked out. "You are intolerable!"
She danced up to his door and thrust the stereo in his face. "Broken again." She pouted.
"You're joking." He pulled the door more tightly closed. Bella peeked around him. He shifted impatiently in his loose pajama pants, attempting to obscure her view. "I'll fix it later."
"Fix it now." She shoved at the door.
"You brain-addled bestial wench!" Draco reached for the stereo. "Let me bloody see it, then." She shoved it into his hands. Draco began pressing buttons. "Huh. The usual fix isn't working, Auntie. It may be gone for good." She pouted. "Wait." She brightened. He popped open the battery casing, removed a c-cell battery and examined it. "This, I bet. You need more of these. Muggles use them for power. Call them…butteries or something."
She snatched the battery. "Well, where do I get more?"
"From muggles!" Draco offered her the stereo.
Seeing his hands occupied in extending her toy, Bella shoved open his door and strode past him.
"You fucking disrespecting cunt!" He shouted at her. "Get the hell out of my room!"
Bella erupted into laughter. Runes were everywhere; scattered across his mussed bed, strewn over the lush carpet, cast on bedside tables and even lingering in the fireplace grating. "Did mummy give you a thorough rune lesson?"
"Get. Out. Now." He pointed to the door.
But Bella lingered. She milled about near his bed, making him extremely nervous. "I want you to come with me," she murmured.
"To get more butteries, you spoiled little arsehole. Put some clothes on."
Bella looked at him challengingly and sat hard on his lumpy bed. A loud grunt resounded. Bella feigned great surprise, widening her eyes and pressing her fingers over her open mouth. Draco rubbed a hand down his face. "Why, hello, Cissy!" Reaching behind her, Bella lifted the duvet, revealing a rumpled and naked Malfoy matron.
"Get off me, you fat cow!" Cissa spat.
"I'm dreadfully sorry to have interrupted the rune lesson," Bella said sweetly. "But I was having a bit of a problem with my muggle music box, you see. And I hope your dear boy will help me fix it."
"Holy hell…" Draco groaned and disappeared into the adjoining lavatory.
Narcissa gathered duvet over her chest and sat up. "I will not have Draco gallivanting in the muggle world. Especially not with you, sister."
Bella plucked a rune from her sister's sticky cleavage. "I will take very good care of him."
Narcissa swatted her sister's hands away. "No."
"I'll have him back in an hour."
"What?" Narcissa rubbed her temples.
"Can I fuck your husband?"
"You heard me!"
Narcissa flopped back into the sundered pillows. "Yes, goddess bless me. I heard you, Bella, you lunatic!" She groaned. "You will be sorely disappointed."
"So I can?"
"I don't care!"
"Goody!" Bella wiggled. "And can I take Draco to –"
"For Merlin's sake, no!" Narcissa shouted as Draco emerged, dressed, from the lavatory.
"It's alright, mum," he said. "I'll go with her. Best for her to have some kind of supervision." He pocketed his wand.
"Draco!" Cissa gaped at him.
"We'll be back quickly." He narrowed his gaze at Bella. "And then, I expect to be left in peace for at least a week. Right?"
Bella licked her teeth and nodded. "Fine, fine. Let's go!" She jumped from the bed.
Draco set the stereo on his nightstand and leaned to kiss his mother. She stared straight ahead, looking quite upset. He sighed.
"Back soon, Cissy!" Bella chimed.
From the door, Bella looked back. "Yes?"
Narcissa bit her bottom lip. "You wouldn't ever say anything, would you? To Lucius, I mean. About…this?"
Bella rolled her eyes. "Me? Of course not! Come on, little dragon." She grabbed Draco's arm. "Adventure awaits!"
They apparated into the backyard of a burned out split-level. Draco looked at the charred skeleton of the house and back to his aunt. "Why did you bring us here? This place is completely destroyed."
"Yeah." Bella grinned. "I do good work."
"Well, we'll hardly acquire your butteries here."
Bella gave her nephew a death glare. "You incestuous swag-bellied flap-dragon," she seethed. "I'm not stupid. There's a muggle store just across this alley. I suspect we shall 'acquire my butteries' there." She mocked him with an upturned nose. She started cautiously around the side of the house.
Draco followed less cautiously, and nearly tripped over a discarded rubbish bin lid. "Bollocks!" He tottered into the wilted, crispy shrubs.
Bella spared him not a backward glance. "Come on! And be bloody careful!"
Soon, she was crouched behind three upright rubbish bins, looking across the street. Draco dropped into a crouch beside her, absently dusting off his clothes. "Where are we exactly?"
She squinted impatiently. "I dunno. Muggleton."
Draco caught sight of the corner street sign. "Bingleton," he said.
"Right. Muggleton." Bella pointed with her wand. "That's the shop."
Draco looked. It was a garish sight to behold, all glass windows and bright colored lights. He grimaced. Two muggles walked out. The doors seemed to part for them magically. "Hell! Did you see that?"
Bella punched his arm. "Quiet!"
"Alright." She peered between the bins again and pulled her wand. "We're going in. Shall I disillusion you?"
"You already have, auntie."
"Nothing." He sighed. "Look. Those doors seem to let anyone in. I say we walk in just like muggles would. Natural like."
She looked disgusted. "Like muggles would? Yeck."
He stood suddenly. "Right. Well, I'm not skulking around like a criminal. Come on. Let's get your butteries and go home." He started towards the street.
Bella followed grudgingly. The strange pair paused and stared as a few cars passed. When all was clear again, Bella took off. In fact, she was in the middle of the road when she saw Draco was not beside her. She whirled around, saw him staring at the building adjacent to the store. She looked, too.
A sign blinked in a blackened window. It read in garish pink "LIVE NUDE GIRLS." Bella cocked her head. "Huh. Wonder where they keep the dead ones?" A lorry zooming by inches from her boots startled her. "Draco, come on!" He snapped out of a trance and hurried to join her.
They paused when they approached the automatic doors of the muggle corner shop. A couple exited and cast the magical folk an odd, figuring look. Bella stuck out her tongue at them, and Draco hurried her through the doors. She flinched when the doors parted, drew her wand with record speed.
"Auntie!" Draco hissed. She looked at him. "Put that away," he growled.
The few heads in line at the checkout turned toward them. "Oh!" Bella tucked her wand into her skirt and smiled warmly at the muggles. It was terrifying. An elderly lady gasped and hurried out the door, leaving her Horlicks behind. She was smart.
Draco cleared his throat. He and Bella queued up behind a teenage girl holding a box of hair dye. It was black. So was the girl's attire – all of it – a strappy camisole and tutu combination with combat boots. She regarded Bella openly, an expression of blank appreciation in her heavily kohled eyes. She had several rings and studs in her face. Draco winced. That had to be painful.
Bella, currently playing at 'normal,' turned sharply to the girl. "What?" She snapped.
The girl just shrugged. "I like your hair."
"Oh." Bella tugged at a matted, midnight curl. "Thank you." She twisted her foot a little and leaned toward the muggle girl. Draco watched nervously. "I like your…clavicle." She whispered, poked said part of the girl. "Looks nice and fragile."
"Thanks," the girl replied calmly. The clerk – a young man perhaps Draco's age – rang the hair dye and took the girl's money. Hm. Draco bit his lip. They'd brought no muggle money. Hell, he didn't even have wizarding money. Malfoys used credit for everything. His brows quirked up. 'Have I ever even touched a galleon?' He wondered.
His contemplation was cut short when Bella slapped her hands onto the counter before the clerk. "Butteries," she said.
The clerk blinked. The instinctive fear was there – Draco saw it and felt a flutter of something like sympathy for the young muggle. "Excuse me, miss?"
Now Bella blinked. "BUTTERIES!"
Crap. Draco stepped forward and extracted the c-cell battery from his jacket pocket. "These!" He interjected, thrusting it into the muggle's face. "Please. Four of them."
"Oh! Batteries!" The muggle grinned and pointed. "Right over there on that wall."
Bella opened her mouth, but Draco twisted her away from the clerk. "Thank you," he breathed, ushering Bella over to the wall of batteries.
"How dare that lackey have the audacity to order me about! It is the purpose of the muggle to serve the magical person!"
"Shut it!" Draco planted her gracelessly before the battery wall. He scanned the products, reached out and grabbed a package. "These. Here." He smacked the batteries into her hands. "Now. Listen to me." He leaned toward her conspiratorially. "We don't have any muggle money to pay for these."
Bella was nonplussed. "Oh." She looked at the muggle clerk who was finishing up a transaction, then scoped their surroundings. "Not a problem," she chirped. "Just follow my lead." Draco narrowed his eyes. Against his better judgment, he followed his aunt back to the counter.
The clerk smiled. "Will that be all?"
Bella nodded. Smiled. The clerk slid the batteries toward his scanning device. Bella slid her wand from her skirt. Draco slid toward the door. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"
A flash of green lit the store. The muggle clerk hit the floor. Bella snatched her batteries and ran to catch up to her nephew, already darting around a corner outside. She was laughing uncontrollably. "Draco, wait!"
He threw himself against the building's brick wall. "Fucking lunatic!" He cried. "I can't believe you just did that! He was – he was my age!"
"Awwwww." Bella pouted at him. "And now he'll be that way forever! Lucky boy!" Her eyes crackled. She grabbed her nephew's collar. "Come on. I want to go to that bookstore. And because of your over-protective and over-sexed mother, we've got less than an hour."
Draco collected himself. "What bookstore?"
She was walking away from him. "The one over there!" She pointed across the street. "The one that says 'Adult' and has all those X's painted on."
"Auntie, I don't think we should –"
"Exactly." She waved her wand at him. "You don't think. So stop. And let me think for both of us. I promise mummy's thighs will still be plenty hot for you when we get you home."
"Don't be a bitch, Bella." Draco watched several cars pass. Some blared sirens and flashed blue or red lights. It seemed some muggle law enforcement had been deployed to the chemist's shop. The young wizard and his aunt scurried across the street and ducked into the shadowy overhanging of the Kitty Kat Adult Book and Toy Store. The place was windowless and dark. "I don't think they're open," Draco whispered.
"I just saw a muggle go in," Bella informed him. She tugged him through the heavy, nondescript door. A bell tinkled. The door slammed behind them. Draco and Bella stood frozen in the open entrance, gaping about.
Fluorescent lights flickered occasionally. A plastic, inflatable muggle female hung from the ceiling beside some sort of leather swing contraption. Racks and rows of books, magazines and shiny picture-boxes under the category 'film' formed a maze of filth and depravity.
On the walls? Coils of leather whips, chains of various materials, riding crops and variegated lengths of various ropes. And other things…mysterious things that were both frightening and tempting. Draco gulped. Bella giggled maniacally and began touring the facility.
There were a few muggles inside, but unlike the patrons of the last store, these seemed more or less unfazed by the appearance of the magical duo. In fact, Draco felt quite ignored. It settled his nerves a bit, and he ventured further into the establishment. While Bella browsed like a fourth year in Honeyduke's, he found himself hiding uncomfortably between two tall racks of magazines. He felt his face flush as he perused the titles and images, but one did catch his eye. He plucked it from the shelf and began leafing, glad to have some sort of distraction.
Twenty minutes later, Draco reached the centerfold and Bella reached him. "There you are," she said.
He looked at her, completely astonished. She held three or four shrunken plastic bags bulging with goods. He paled. "Auntie. You didn't kill another clerk, did you?"
"Hm?" She was bending to view his magazine. "Oh, no. Not this one. Nice girl, this one. Just imperiused her. She'll be fine, I think." She nodded to his selection. "What's a milf, then?"
Draco rolled the magazine and shoved it into his jacket. "I've no idea. But the women are incredible. Ready?"
Her whole body nodded excitedly. Draco regarded the beleaguered clerk as they passed. The slight young blonde was looking vapidly into the distance and attempting to shove a large black phallus into her ear. He shook his head. His aunt was truly fiendish.
Around back of the questionable bookstore was a giant, brimming-over garbage disposal unit. The duo ducked behind it. Bella wrinkled her nose and they prepared to apparate. Suddenly, a humming sound emanated from one of her bags. Draco looked at it, alarmed. "What the hell is that?" The bag was…squirming, too.
Bella whacked at it. When the commotion didn't stop, she reached in and extracted a terrifying device. It was pink and long and had…some sort of wriggling attachment.
"Gah!" Draco jumped back from it and Bella laughed.
"I got it for your mum! D'you think she'll like it?"
"I hope not!" He leaned toward the thing slowly. He squinted at it. "What the fuck are all those little balls inside it?"
Bella shrugged. "The muggle girl said they're pearls from Heaven or something." She finally silenced and stilled the obnoxious device and gave a satisfied sigh as she tucked it back in a bag. "Alrighty then." She smiled at him. It was terrifying. "Let's go home!"
Their cracks of apparition echoed in the quiet muggle night.