Crash and burn
By Miss P
Summary: My reaction to Demetri's death surprised them all, but I guess even my heart could break if there was enough pain. Jane, oneshot.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
They came back with solemn expressions on their faces. Aro took Felix's hand, and the look on his face turned grim as he learned what had happened. The two other guards who had accompanied Felix and Demetri on the mission looked down at their feet, looks of guilt flashing across their features.
"Where is Demetri?" Alec asked, coming to stand next to me. I had wondered the same thing, but hadn't dared to ask. I was afraid that if I spoke, I wouldn't be able to hide the chilling fear that had started to well up inside of me. Just looking at the guards and especially at Felix made my whole body freeze with building panic. Something was wrong…
The look Felix threw Alec was filled with regret and sadness, then he spoke, and my whole world fell apart. "He's gone, we couldn't save him."
No, I shouted mentally. First I wanted to deny it, but as I kept on staring at Felix I knew this wasn't some sick joke.
Demetri was really gone. The only man I had ever loved was gone. Pain and shock slammed into me so strongly it felt like I would collapse. But I kept standing, frozen, numb to everyone watching me, while emotions swirled inside of me threatening to devour me. Burning me from the inside out.
I could hear Aro speaking, but I couldn't make out the words. I felt Alec's hand on my arm, his voice confused as he asked me what was wrong. I couldn't bring myself to answer. I felt dizzy, my world spinning faster with every second as everything fell to pieces around me, my stone heart breaking. If I hadn't known better I would have been afraid I'd pass out, but instead my body begun to shake as I fought to hold everything inside.
"Sister?" Alec's voice was concerned now. "What's wrong?"
He didn't have a clue. No one had. Demetri and I had kept it a secret, keeping away from each others at day, only to fall into each other's arms at night. I had loved him, and he had shared those feelings. With him, I had been happy. For the first time in my life I had felt something more than pain and anger. I had belonged somewhere, I had been wanted, adored.
Now all of that had been ripped away.
I wanted to run, to get away from everyone staring at me, but I couldn't move from the spot. I was paralyzed with shock and pain. My body shook, Alec's hands on me didn't offer any comfort. I had to press a hand to my mouth to keep myself from screaming out loud.
"Jane?" Aro's voice reached me, and it was what I needed to pull myself together just enough to move. Then I ran as fast as I could, bursting through the door and into the endless corridor. All I wanted was to get to my room so I could be left alone. But I didn't get far. I could feel my legs give way under me and before I could even register what was happening I fell to the floor. Instead of getting back up on my feet, I curled up, wrapped my arms around myself in a desperate attempt to regain some sort of control. Loud sobs tore through my throat and my body shook so badly I was afraid it would fall apart.
I cried, for the first time in centuries, pain coursing through me stronger than ever before. All I wanted was to deny it, but that would be pointless. It wouldn't bring Demetri back.
"Sister?" Alec's voice was soft, but still confused. "Why are you crying?" I could feel his arms around me. "Jane, please tell me what's hurting you?"
I tried to speak, but all that came out of me was a hoarse sob, that seemed to make me cry even harder. I knew I was breaking down completely, but there was no way I could help it or control it. It hurt so much I thought it would kill me. I'd never felt pain like this before. But then again, Demetri had been the first man I had ever loved… and lost.
"Interesting," I could hear Aro say.
"I've never seen her like this," Felix said.
"What is wrong, Jane?" I felt Aro come up to me, kneeling in front of me. He reached out a hand, and I recoiled, knowing what he was intending.
"Jane," he demanded.
"Master?" I sobbed, "Forgive me."
He nodded. "Of course, child, give me your hand." I couldn't bring myself to move, but Aro grasped my hand in his and held it. "So much pain," he whispered. "It's a tragedy."
He let go just as abruptly. "Alec, take her to her room."
I was barely aware of being carried, then I knew I had been placed in my bed. But it wasn't the soft material of the sheets, or the way the mattress moved under my weight that let me know, it was his scent. Fresh waves of pain shot though me. When the scent faded, I wouldn't have anything left of him.
"Sister?" Alec tried again. "Does this have anything to do with Demetri's death?"
When I still didn't speak, Alec went on. "I didn't think you even liked him?"
"I loved him," I managed to whisper in between sobs.
A long silence followed.
"Wow," Alec breathed at last. "You hid it well, I'm so sorry," he whispered. "Did Demetri… uhm, did he… love you too?"
I gave a trembling nod, choking back another sob. "Now he's gone… I can't, can't… it hurts so much."
Alec's arms reached for me, but I moved away, curling up in the corner of the bed. "Leave me alone," I sniveled. "I can't lose you too."
"I just want to calm you," he said, confused.
I shook my head. "Go away, go."
Alec slowly backed away. "I know what you're doing. But you can't push me away. I'll be back," with those words he left.
Demetri. My first love, my first kiss, my first everything. I had thought he would be around forever, never had I imagined he would be taken from me so abruptly. I never even got the chance to say goodbye. I reached out for the pillow, hugging it tight to me, burying my face in it as I cried. I never slept, so having a bed had always felt pointless, until Demetri had shown me what they could be used for. If I had known that last night would be the last time I would ever see him, I wouldn't have let him go. I would have told him I loved him, now I would never get the chance.
Pain and grief built inside of me, growing in intensity until I had to get it out of me. My screams were muffled by the pillow, but with vampire hearing, it probably echoed all through the castle. I continued to scream and sob as the pain burned inside of me until the feeling was more than I could bear. Still I couldn't do anything to make it stop either.
I didn't know how much time had passed, maybe it was hours, maybe days, but I hadn't moved from the bed, the tearless sobs still shook my body and heartrending screams tore from my throat. The feeling was so overwhelming, it was crushing me.
Then suddenly a mist of calm nothingness floated into the room, wrapping around me, the sounds coming from me slowly faded and my body went still. I couldn't feel a thing. All the pain and despair vanished and I fell into a dreamless sleepless state of unconsciousness.
"Rest for a while, sister."
"If you need to fall apart
I can mend your broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone."