EDIT: I don't want my reviews to be lost and I don't want ff to delete me, so I've removed everything I figured was too graphic and that's what's staying here. If you want to read the story with the smut still in it, please follow the following link. Remove the spaces:

scarlettfire13 . livejournal 1784 . html

If you don't, that's okay. I tried to be as gentle with the changes as possible.

DISCLAIMER: I own my own thoughts only.

AN: This is a fill from the Glee Kink Meme:

"Their first time wasn't perfect. In fact, it was everything but perfect. They were too nervous, too fast and it really hurt, Kurt almost cried, because it hurt so much, and Blaine was scared and shocked, and they stopped. Blaine tried to comfort Kurt, kissing him apologies all over his body, but Kurt didn't stop shaking and crying, because it had hurt, because he was embarrassed, because he felt so sorry for Blaine, for doing this to him, for making him feel guilty. They just cuddle, nothing more, no comforting handjobs, just cuddling.

Kurt's scared of having sex, of the pains, of disappointing Blaine. For Blaine's sake, they still try it, one time or maybe even several times, and even when they're both in the mood, and Blaine actually thinks, now it's going to happen, and Kurt thinks that for a moment, too, suddenly the fear is back, and he feels so embarrassed, and turns away from Blaine, and cries silently. But Blaine just wraps his arms around him, reassuring him, It's fine, It's okay, We're going to be okay, We'll find a way, and many many I love you's.

They start from the very beginning, and they go very slow. Blaine tries his best, and only thinks about making Kurt feel best. Blaine's got the idea of letting Kurt top. He talked to Kurt the next day, and Kurt hesitantly agrees. When it's time, Kurt's about to retreat, because he remembers the pains he's going to give Blaine, but Blaine reassures him that he really really wants this.

Long story short: Kurt and Blaine fail their first time, Blaine tries to hush Kurt's fears, and suggests Kurt to top.

- Kurt doesn't even masturbate after their failed first time, because he always sees the disappointment in Blaine's eyes in front of him.
- Blaine worshipping Kurt to just make Kurt feel good. (Kurt doesn't realise this at first, because all Blaine does is making him come, even though Blaine's hard in his pants, too, and then Kurt's helping him out as well.)
- When Blaine gets the idea of letting Kurt top, he first fingers himself to actually try it out, and he really really likes it.
- Kurt rides Blaine in the end, some time after their successful first time."

It was perfect, absolutely perfect and all Kurt had ever dreamed it would be, until Blaine started prepping him. Then the rose coloured glasses started coming off because that HURT.

"Are you okay?" Blaine's asked in a shaky voice.

"Keep going." Kurt nodded even as pain was radiating up his spine. He'd read it hurt the first time but that it would go away. Blaine followed orders and Kurt bit his lip so hard to keep from screaming he nearly bit through his lip. "More lube." Kurt gasped and Blaine apologized and stopped, leaving the most horrible burn Kurt had ever felt.

When his fingers came back it was a little better, more slippery and it burned less. Kurt took a few deep breathes, trying to relax and stop thinking about how much this was hurting. Then Blaine's fingers were gone. "Are you ready? I think you are?" Blaine's shaky voice asked and Kurt peeled his eyes open to look at his boyfriend. He looked a bit like Kurt felt, sort of terrified but determined to do this anyway. It was supposed to feel good, if it didn't than why did so many people do it?

Kurt nodded quickly and clamped his teeth down on his lips to prepare. As Blaine lined up Kurt repeated the word 'relax' as a mantra in his head, trying to do it. Then Blaine started moving and he was going way too fast and "AHH!" Kurt screamed in pain.

That made Blaine stop, "Kurt?" He asked and Kurt only sobbed. "Kurt? Are you okay?"

"Get it out, get it out." Kurt sobbed. "Get it out." Tears were pooling in his eyes and he didn't care enough about them to stop their overflowing. All he wanted was for the pain to stop. Blaine pulled away quickly, too quickly because even THAT hurt and Kurt sobbed harder.

"Kurt…?" Blaine touched his shoulder and Kurt turned away. He grabbed onto the pillow beneath his head and curled around it, away from Blaine. He buried his head in the pillow.

That fucking hurt! It hurt so bad he could still feel it and that made him cry harder. Distantly he heard Blaine's voice, filled with tears for the second time that night, and Kurt felt a wave of guilt run through him. Why did he have to have this stupid idea? They could have been at the cast after party but now he was curled up and crying on Blaine's bed and Blaine was somewhere behind him having a reaction Kurt couldn't get out of his own head enough to observe. Another bout of hysterical sobbing washed over him.

The whole night was ruined, their whole first time. He'd ruined it because he was a baby who couldn't take a little pain and now… now he'd probably traumatized his boyfriend and they were never going to do anything again. Blaine probably wouldn't even want to kiss him anymore now. OH, what if Blaine didn't even want to be with him anymore? What if Blaine decided Kurt was so bad at this he should go find somebody who was better, somebody who wouldn't turn into a hysterical mess and…

Kurt flipped himself over and hissed at the pain. It wasn't enough however to stop him from letting go of the pillow and latching onto Blaine. "Blaine." Kurt whined. "Don't leave me, I'm sorry I messed it up."

Blaine gasped, Kurt heard it through his chest. "Kurt," It was rumbley when Blaine talked. "Kurt, YOU messed up? No, baby, I messed up, I messed up SO bad." Blaine's arms circled him tightly and he shifted down so Kurt's head was beside his on the pillow. "Kurt, I'm SO sorry."

Kurt blinked at Blaine and, through his own tears, noticed the wetness in Blaine's. "You're crying."

"I hurt you, of course I'm crying." Blaine let out a humorless, breathy laugh. "I never want to hurt you but I keep doing it." His hands started stroking down Kurt's back. "I'm SO sorry, Kurt. Please don't leave ME." Blaine pressed his forehead against Kurt, closing his wet eyes and letting out unsteady breathes. "I don't ever want you to leave me."

Kurt's eyes let out more tears, softer now, without sobs racking his chest. He still hurt, but he wanted Blaine more than he hurt. He snuggled into his boyfriend. "I love you." Kurt offered and Blaine held him tighter.

"You're shaking." Blaine said after a while. He wriggled until he could move and kissed below Kurt's ear. "And you're still crying."

"I'm sorry." Kurt sniffled.

"I love you." Blaine kissed the corner of Kurt's eye, stopping a tear from trailing down his face. "I love you so much. You don't have to be sorry."

"I still am." Kurt closed his leaking eyes and let Blaine push him back a little. He hissed when his sore ass hit the bed, but it wasn't so bad anymore. The worst of it had passed it seemed. He'd probably be sore for a while, but he could deal with this level of pain for now. Blaine kissed down his neck and Kurt sighed.

Then Blaine moved to his chest and Kurt tensed up. "Don't… don't try anything, I don't want to, please, Blaine." Kurt grabbed at Blaine's hair.

"Why don't we put pants on or something?" Blaine suggested. "I just want to kiss you, not… not anything else."

"Okay." Kurt nodded and tried to sit up but Blaine pushed him back down.

"Just… just let me take care of you okay? I need… I need to feel like I helped more than hurt tonight." Blaine sniffled and Kurt noticed the tears still trailing softly down his face.

"Okay." Kurt nodded. Blaine got their pants and helped Kurt into his. The awkwardness of that made both of them laugh a little and when Blaine settled down next to him and started kissing him Kurt felt calmer. There was still an edge of hysteria, but it was distant and if he tried to ignore it, focusing instead on Blaine's mouth, he almost couldn't tell it was there.

Neither of them stopped crying for a long time.