Hello guys, I promised you that I would work on this chapter so please enjoy!
This fanfiction contains few grammatical errors and a lot of humour, so please be ready to laugh your head off. Viewer discretion is advised. Rated T
Naruto ©Masashi Kishimoto
Funhouse © Pink
Plot © KyleCynthia
Star Wars © George Lucas
Facebook © Mark Zuckerberg
Breakfast with the Lunatics
This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down
Silence. Simple. Elegant. Huge. Those were the words that popped into Sakura's mind as she stepped looked down the hallway. Her room was located in the corner near the stairs. A glance at the blueprint and she assumed that the toilette was on the other side of the hallway on her side. She really needed excrete some fluid. She tiptoed her way to the comfort room, after all she couldn't afford to wake the others up. She'd rather die than introducing herself to the others as the temporary maid.
Successfully transporting herself in a panther like manner, the rosette opened the door to the toilette not really paying attention to the toilette itself, but made sure that the door closed silently. With that done she opened the light and was about to open her zipper when she noticed a guy in his twenties sitting on the toilette bowl. The guy with spiky black hair caught her so off guard that she winced violently, hitting her elbow with the doorknob in process.
"Tobi didn't do anything! Tobi is a good boy!"
Sakura, who was on sitting on the floor because of the pain, looked up. What she saw surprised her. The man, who was now standing looked very familiar. Those eyes, those defined jaw line…He looked like Sasuke Uchiha minus the duck hair.
Eh, did he just say Tobi? So he must be Sasuke's cousin.
Finally figured that out huh? If you paid more attention to the files Ino gave you, you would have noticed the pictures.
Well excuse me for not having a photographic memory when it comes to the other sex!
I don't have a photographic memory when it comes to boys. I have a photographic memory when it involves hot members of the opposite sex.
"How do you know my name?"
"You arrived yesterday with Deidara-senpai and Ino-chan!"
Sakura groaned. Her former best friend just couldn't go in a house unnoticed. She hoped that while she was asleep, Ino didn't go door to door introducing her to every guy, unconscious. The rosette stood up and wiped the dirt of her. Tobi looked at her curiously like a detective inspecting a clue. And there is nothing Sakura hated than being looked at, especially by guys. She knew she was very small for her age, and her breast weren't that remarkable.
"So…Tobi right? Does everyone in here already know about me? "
"No, no. Just me, Deidara-senpai, Sasori-senpai and Hidan-senpai. The others were already asleep. You came around three in the morning Sakura-chan."
"Oh I see…That's good."
Looks like Ino has some common sense…Thank heavens
"Ne, ne Sakura-chan? Let's go out and Tobi will give you a tour!"
"Oh, that's very thoughtful of you but that's not necessary I have these-"
Sakura couldn't finish her sentence, Tobi was looking at her with those puppy dogs eyes she didn't knew men in his age possessed. As tough as Sakura appears, her weakness are cute things, and children. She couldn't resist the request of children no matter how ridiculous. And as much as she hated to admit it, Tobi right now, was staring at her with eyes she simply couldn't refuse.
"…Fine. But first let me go to the toilette."
"But you are already in here Sakura-chan."
"…I have to excrete fluids."
"I have to pee."
"Just do it please…"
Oh god, he is such an oaf…
After the rosette finished her business she took the file labelled 'Tobi Uchiha' and analyzed his data before going out the room. Tobi Uchiha, twenty-seven years old. Math whizz. He has an IQ of 127. The reason why he speaks in third person is because he was in an accident when he was a child. It damaged part of his brain but it made him a prodigious savant. He could multiply seven digit numbers without using paper. But because of the accident, his mind never developed further.
Tobi was more than overjoyed to give Sakura a tour. He claimed that everyone usually eats at 9:30 am. Since everyone was still in their rooms, Tobi showed Sakura the Entertainment Room located in the other end of the hallway. That room had any form of entertainment one could wish for. Laptops, Televisions and game consoles. It also was decorated with a gigantic Aquarium with exotic fishes in it. Something that also caught Sakura's attention was the huge Picture frame above the television.
She took a step forward to take a closer look. It was a portrait of a beautiful woman with sky-blue eyes and scarlet hair. The woman was smiling and her pose was identical to Mona Lisa. She noticed the words on the bottom of the picture on the right. It said, 'My one and only Juliet' in a really old, fancy, curvy handwriting. Sakura's eyes grew wide and she held her breath.
It can't be…It's impossible…
Of all rotten luck…
"Sakura-chan are you alright?"
"Uhm yeah, I'm fine…"
"Oh good! Don't scare Tobi like that! Sakura's face was getting so white like snow…"
The duo headed downstairs to the kitchen, living room and dining room. Tobi continued to tell stories about the Akatsuki while Sakura just smiled and remained silent while tracing the kitchen with her hands. It was surprisingly clean. Definetly not what Sakura expected. An enormous mess was Sakura's imagination of the house filled with men. Her male friends just proved her that men are unable to live tidy, Naruto especially. Kiba and Shikamaru's apartments were acceptable. The only clean boy's room that deserved Sakura's cleanliness stamp was Sasuke's but he had a cleaning lady do his dirty business every week.
Against Sakura's will, Tobi dragged her to the living room, where the according to the man the 'magic' comes alive. The rosette wanted to expect the kitchen further but the enthusiastic Uchiha couldn't wait to show Sakura the game consoles and the massive flat screen television. Her amazement was written on her face as Tobi turned the TV on. What else does this place offer? A limousine?
"Sakura-chan, let's go outside, you haven't seen the pool yet!"
Even though the mansion did not offer a limousine, it did have a fountain on the front, some weird bird shaped statues on the backyard and not to mention, a pool. Because it was spring, the sight was phenomenal; roses of all colours were blooming. It was one of the few flowers Sakura could name, the others include lavender, geranium, forget-me-not and of course cherry blossoms. The way it smelled and how butterflies were surrounding the garden, Sakura could not help but think that this was fairytale castle.
Damn Ino! She knows how much I like gardens…She is so desperate. What's the hell is wrong with her?
Nothing if you ask me, this place is like the epitome of my dream! Our dream! Look, luxury and hot guys. This is like our own personal harem! Oh, our children are gonna be so good looking…and tall.
Can you please try to concentrate for a while? We are stuck here with a bunch of strangers! They might rape us while we sleep!
That's fine by me, as long as they take the responsibility
Good Lord, is intercourse all you think about?
Ugh! Just shut up ok?
Since it was a ten past nine she decided to make the breakfast. The Uchiha volunteered to help her but she refused. Tobi was disappointed so he decided to wake everyone up instead. Bacon, Sunnyside-up Eggs and mashed potato with gravy seemed to be a satisfying breakfast. Well, those where the first item she found as she opened the cupboard and refrigerator. Sakura was currently baking the bacon and cooking the mashed potato at the same time. Then she took chicken stock and melted it in a cup full of hot water and added corn flour. When the mashed potato was done she cooked the broth and added pepper.
She waited for the bacon to turn golden brown then set the table. Then a thought occurred to her, what if one of the guys was vegetarian? She hastily prepared some toast and garnish. Meanwhile some guys where already downstairs, admiring not only the marvellous breakfast but also the rosette that made it.
Itachi Uchiha caught Sakura's attention most, even though she is Sasuke's best friend she never met his brother in person. The resemblance was amazing yet terrifying. Is every Uchiha so handsome? Another one that captured the girl's attention was the tall blue skinned guy. The said man caught her eye and grinned at her. She hastily laid the bread on the table and looked down on her toes. Man, this was intimidating.
Any normal person under this circumstance would feel the same way as Sakura, it didn't help that she looked like a dwarf with her meagre height and that every single one of them was staring at the only female in the room with intense eyes without uttering a single word. That's why she hated men! Whenever she meets one, all they do is stare at her, and she had the pleasure to examine the detail of her shoes. Nevertheless, it wouldn't have been half as bad , if they only said something after they analyze her.
They are probably thinking how small I am and how flat chested I am. I already know that you morons! Just please somebody start talking!
As if sensing the girl's discomfort, the guy who looked like Ino, moved towards a chair and sat. Some of the guys followed the gestures and sat. The rather awkward silence continued until everyone was seated except for Sakura who did not know if she should join the guys for breakfast or if she should make herself scarce. The rosette preferred the latter, but she did not want appear rude. While she was still contemplating about her ninja like manoeuvre to escape the kitchen, the blonde guy decided to break the ice.
"Sakura-chan, come and sit with us, yeah. Don't just stand there all by yourself, un."
"Yeah, come here and sit with me." Said the giant blue skinned guy who flashed a huge grin at Sakura.
Oh, great seating next to humongous guy will just flatter my height. Not that I have any other choice, the other seats are taken. He seems friendly though...
"So yeah, first of all thanks for the breakfast. Before we eat, I think we should introduce ourselves, yeah. So I'm Ino's cousin Deidara, un."
"My name is Sasori, I'm the roommate of the blonde idiot."
"It's true, don't deny it."
Laughter erupted. Finally, the dreading silence was over and Sakura smiled shyly at the duo. The people across them and right next to Sakura started to talk. "I'm Zetsu and I like eating raw meat." The way his voice changed in the middle of the sentence caused the rosette to stare at him for several seconds. She was not sure if he suffered from a really bad cold, or if his voice really was like Darth Vader. Sakura guessed it was the former, till Tobi told her.
"Sakura-chan, don't be afraid. Zetsu-san speaks always like that."
"He suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder. Mostly his masochist side is under control, or we just call it white Zetsu. But from time to time, his dark or his sadist side emerges." The guy, who resembled Sasuke, thought it was compulsory to explain to their maid the situation.
I can't remember anything from the data Ino gave me that one of them had D.I.D. That's so typical of Ino, to miss out the most important details. I bet her sources included facebook, twitter and of course, gossip. So let me guess…The guy next to me is a shark mutant, then the guy with the silver hair was a mental patient then the guy with the many piercings is a gangster…
Sakura's thoughts were interrupted when Tobi started to introduce himself, "Good Morning everybody! My name is Tobi and Tobi likes Unicorns and rainbows and chocolate and ice cream! And Tobi also likes Sakura-chan! And Zetsu-san is Tobi's roommate."
"Hey kiddo, I'm Kisame and I am Itachi's roommate. My hobbies are fishing and fishkeeping."
"Oh, so I assume the aquarium upstairs belongs to you?"
"It's very beautiful."
"Why thank you, looks like spending hours taking care of them finally paid off huh?" Kisame's grin never faded while talking to the girl. And for the first time, Sakura smiled back at him. Even though his appearance was very peculiar, his attitude was to Sakura's liking. Her gaze shifted to the other Uchiha in the room, who could only be Sasuke's brother, Itachi.
"I am Itachi."
"Was my introduction not sufficient enough?"
"Well it was, but man, isn't it, you know, too short?"
"No, I believe it was tolerable and forthright."
"Typical Uchiha, don't worry I've got your back," Kisame patted the shoulder of his roommate and began to reintroduce his friend. "So this is my roommate, Itachi. And as most Uchiha's he prefers to work alone, which makes him look antisocial. But don't let that scare you kiddo, deep down he is a kind and sensitive man… who has a brother complex."
Many snickered at the last part of Kisame's speech. The fact that the heir of the Uchiha had a brother complex was not known to many people, except for Itachi's closest friends, or how he prefers to say it, acquaintances. For this rather embarrassing truth to be revealed in front of a stranger and a girl no less, is very distressing for the Uchiha. His pride, however, did not let him loose his cool. He hid is embarrassment very well.
"I'm Yahiko, pleased to meet you Sakura-chan."
"The pleasure is all mine."
"And I'm Nagato, Yahiko's brother and roommate."
The last ones to introduce were on the opposite side of the table. To Sakura's shock, the silver haired guy started to eat, which was downright rude. But neither of them seemed to care, it was safe to assume that this was his usual behaviour. "My name is Kakuzu, and I handle the finances around this mansion," said the guy with the black hair and huge scar across the face.
"Since you are new here Sakura-san, let me make this clear to you, the maximum hours you can use the internet is 2 per day. All sources of electricity must be shut off by 10pm. The main switch is located near the stairs. As for the chores, please do not use the dishwasher, it consumes much more water than by washing it by hand. Please do not exceed the time limit; it's 3 minutes per cutlery."
"As for showering, since you are a lady you may have 5 more minutes that's a total of 20 minutes per day. As for brushing your teeth you may only use 1.5 litre per day, so that's 0.5 after every meal. That's roughly around 3 minutes. You may charge your cell phone once a day. Last but not the least, do not ever enter my room without my permission."
Once again, the awkward silence appeared. The only thing missing was a cricket chirping, wind blowing and a paper flying with it. To make it worse, the guy next to him started to chew very loudly, drank juice and released a sigh of relief. He then began to speak, "Sup, bitch? I'm Hidan, and I fucking love your cooking. Why don't you just stay here forever and cook, hmm? There is one thing that's missing…"
He cleared his throat, and enjoyed the moment of attention.
"Bitch, go to the kitchen make me a fucking sandwich!"
Somewhere in the mind of Sakura, a nuclear bomb exploded. For a second, her neurons ceased to work. She was shocked, and could not decided if she felt anger, for obvious reasons, or if she felt admiration, for he certainly deserved a medal for being the most obnoxious and irritating person Sakura ever met in her whole life. And that was to say something, after all she had to put up with Ino most of her life.
"You idiot! Don't insult girls like that, yeah!"
"Yeah, look at kiddo's face, she has become so pale."
"You clearly have no experience with women, this explains your unattached status."
"Shut up! It's not like you have a girlfriend, brotherfucker!"
"But, Hidan-senpai, you should not have said that to Sakura-chan, Tobi does not like Sakura-chan to feel bad."
"Kisame, can you please pass my cheese? The one with the money sticker on it…Thank you."
"I would like a sandwich too, with raw meat!"
"Brother, water please."
"Sakura-san, please don't mind them. Help yourself."
"Sasori's right kiddo, they're always like this."
Calm down, it's only for 48 hours. You can do this! If I survive this, maybe Ino will sto-
Fat chance sweetheart, if you get out of this house single, you'll fuel Ino's determination more than ever. So my advice is, pick one of them, anyone will do but if you do wanna know my favourite, it's Hidan.
…Are you serious? He's nuts!
The only thing he has is sex appeal.
I don't care if Ino gets more determined, she freaking left me here with nutcases!
Correction, hot nutcases!
Why are you on Ino's side? You are me! You should help and support me!
I am trying to help you! You still can't get over the divorce of mom and dad! That was more than a decade ago! You should let it go, mom would be worried too if she was still alive…
Sakura silently ate, thinking about the words of her inner mind, she was long over the divorce of her parents. That's not it, it just never crossed her mind to get a boyfriend. She was too busy finding part-time jobs so she would not be a burden to her stepfather. Her family was a constant target of gossip, there have been many times where her mother was belittled in front of her. So the least Sakura could do to lessen the damage was to excel in her academics.
"Tobi asked Sakura-chan many times if Sakura-chan wanted more bacon."
"Uhm, no I'm fine, thank you Tobi."
"So Sakura-san, I heard you are currently a teacher in a kindergarten. Why did the top 1 of Konoha High not apply to University?"
Promptly, everyone turned their heads to the rosette. That was a question that was she was asked by most people she knew. First she was annoyed, couldn't her friends just not respect her wishes and leave her alone? But after two years of entertaining the same question over and over again, Sakura became used to it, and did not care what the others thought of her decision. She stands firmly on her ground, after all she does owe her stepfather a great debt and she is more than determined to pay back.
"I do not think that tertiary education is necessary, Sasori-san. If I do wish to deepen my knowledge, the Konoha Library is there to provide me with information I need. Besides, I do adore children, they are the future of our nation, and I believe that they deserve our utmost attention in order for Konoha to become more successful."
Sasori did not expect that answer. The girl got his interest, her appearance was appealing and her personality was attractive too. The thought of having a maid in the mansion for the weekend did not please Sasori. He expected another fangirl who would mindlessly stare at him and take pictures of him, or even steal his underpants. However, 15 minutes passed and she did not show any kinds of interest. No drooling in front of them, no pictures have been taken, no confessions of love and much to Sasori's relief, no physical contact.
"Itachi-san, I have been wanting to ask, is Sasuke-kun well? I could not contact him for two weeks…"
"I see, that's a relief, if you see him would you please tell him to call me?"
"That can be arranged."
"Kiddo, are you by chance a Sasuke fangirl?"
Both Sakura and Itachi looked at each other for a second then she bursted in laughter, and Itachi had a faint smile on his face. Perplexed, the whole gang watched as rosette and the younger Uchiha shared a mutual connection. It was seldom that the Uchiha heir showed emotion much less happiness. The only strong emotion they got out of him was hate, and that's because Deidara played his metal music in the morning and thus stirred the Uchiha out of his sleep. And Itachi Uchiha was not a morning person, mind you.
"So are you, or are you not, yeah?"
"Shikamaru has to be willing to do something and Choji will start dieting before I become a Sasuke fangirl."
"What's your relationship with him then?"
"Hmm, you could say that I'm his best friend/bodyguard."
"Yes, bodyguard, as you probably know he has a horde of fans and he begged me to keep them away from him. As for the compensation, he usually gives me rare books, so it has some advantages."
"You can't mean that kiddo. You as a bodyguard? I mean you don't look really strong."
"Hah, don't underestimate me fishface, looks can be deceiving!"
The giant man just laughed and patted her head, much to the girl's annoyance. She then smirked and challenged him to an arm wrestling duel after breakfast. Kisame who was hesitant to comply, agreed to it when Sakura provoked him, saying that he just looked big and did not posses any strength at all. Needless to say, everybody was in a hurry to finish the food except for Kakuzu, who wanted to enjoy the food, the Togu brothers, who didn't really showed any interest in Sakura from the start and Itachi, who knew what the rosette was capable of.
It did not matter to Sakura, she was eager to show to show Kisame what she was capable of. Usually she did not care if others underestimate her on the contrary, she preferred to be underestimated. That way her opponents do not use their full strength, this is enough for Sakura to take them down. Her father thought her many moves to bring a man twice her size down. From a young age, she was thought to use her petite size to her advantage.
The group settled down and cleared the living room. Both Kisame and Sakura took their places at the table and Deidara who declared himself as the referee. When the two contestants were ready he screamed to start. Not a second after the word escaped his lips, Kisame's hand was down. Most of them were astonished, Kisame no believing he lost to a girl demanded a rematch. This time, he prevailed.
Soon, the simple match turned into a tournament, out of the 7 matches Kisame and Sakura had, Sakura was just one point behind. Hidan and Deidara could not believe that Sakura had the same strength as Kisame which led to another match between them. Hidan and the rosette were evenly matched while Deidara lost against her. During the matches, Tobi was cheering Sakura, and Sasori and Zetsu were observing her. The former was admiring her strength, while the latter was fantasising about the flesh or rather the delicious looking muscle Sakura had.
Unfortunately, the battle came to an end as Sakura indicated that her arm became tired, and that she still had to do the dishes. Several offered to help her, but she refused claiming that it wasn't that hard. In truth, she needed to have some time for herself. Those fifteen minutes she spent with them was probably the longest time she interacted with people she did not know, who were males! Ino would have been so proud.
Sakura slapped herself and she shook her sense at the thought of Ino, she could not allow her to win this game. They played this real life date game long enough and Ino always fails. She will never taste victory. Sakura can't afford to lose, she made up her mind not to give any of them more attention than they deserved.
I can do this…right?
Huh, man, that was tiring, so what do you guys think? Please R & R, constructive criticism is appreciated. Unfortunately, my break is ending so it might take long till the next chapter is out. I'll give you a hint though, Sakura's past will be revealed. Till next time.