Le Poisson

England peeked out sneakily from behind one of the cupboards. His tiny little body was agile enough to prevent being caught sight of, however the world suddenly seemed so much larger now that he was the size of a crab.

Well…let me rephrase that. You see, he was a crab, and a certainly good looking one at that. Another one of his spells had gone wrong and it was a great mystery even for him how he, unluckily, ended up in France's kitchen. It was yet another unfortunate circumstance that France himself was cooking up a storm in his beloved kitchen. The quaint, little English crab risked one more peep before shuffling closer to a large spice jar located close to the window.

'At this rate, I'll be out of here in a jiff without that stupid frog ever noticing,' he thought. He snickered arrogantly to himself and praised his cleverness.

England was only a couple steps out the window when he heard the Frenchman break out into a loud song. He suddenly turned back from his escapade and there indeed was France holding a large bowl of fish (salmon, England supposed) and swaying his hips in a ridiculous way. England attempted to refrain from breaking out into hysterical laughter. 'Escaping can wait a little later. This is absolutely hilarious!' he laughed in his head as he scuffled with his little crab legs closer to the table to get a better view.

"Les poissons, les poissons

How I love les poissons!" France picked up one of the fish and set it on the table.

Love to chop and to serve little feesh~

First I cut off zer heads

Then he unexpectedly pulled out what looked like a cleaver and chopped the fish's head clean off. The impact of the large blade on the table made England jump. He turned a sickly shade of green, however France continued mercilessly on.

Zen I pull out zee bones

Ah mes oui, savez toujours delice

The very scene made him want to hurl. It was a little odd because he had no problem eating fish at all (with his favorite food being fish and chips, of course) but perhaps this was how one would feel if his own fellow marine comrade was chopped off into little bits by an insane French cook.

Les poissons, les poissons

Hee hee hee, hon hon hon!

Wiz a cleaver I hack zem in two~ BAM!

I pull out whaz inzide! FWIP!

And I serve it up fried! SIZZLE~

God, I love little feeshes, zon't vou?

By this time, England was all the more eager to get out of the dreadful kitchen. He made a run to the window but France's cleaver continued chopping and the pan kept sizzling filling the room with the most appetizing, yet hideous odor.

Here's something for tempting ze palette

Prepared in zee classic technique

First vou pound zee feesh flat wiz a malette~ Squish!

Zen vou slash off zer skin! FLICK!

Give zer belly a slice! SLIP!

Zen you rub some salt in

'Cause it makes it taste nice~

France paused to grab some more salt from the jar England was frightfully hiding behind. He caught a glimpse at poor old England and swiped him off the table. "Zoot alors, I have missed one!" he exclaimed.

Sacre bleu, whaz iz zis?

How on earth could I miz

Such a sweet little succulent crab~

Quel Domage, whaz a loss!

Here we go, in ze sauce! France gave the crab a big smooch before tossing it into a sweet smelling mixture.

Now zom flour I zink just a dab

White powder was sprinkled onto the confused England as he sneezed it off.

'What next?' England mused irritably. Unfortunately he was about to find out for the song was not yet done. The blonde, blue-eyed Frenchman picked him up and crammed something in his shell.

Now I stuff you wiz bread

Zon't worry, 'cause you're dead!

And you're certainly lucky you are!

'Cause iz gonna be hot in my big silver pot!

Tout-aloo mon poisson

Au revoir!

Oh, the horror! England was flung onto a boiling, hot pot. Clinging to the edge of the steel, he desperately pulled himself out for his dear life. France noticed this and picked the crab out by its shell.

"Hmm…what iz zis?" he pondered looking closer at the crustacean.

England panicked and pinched his attacker's nose with his great pincers. France instantly dropped him shrieking, "Ahh! My beautiful nose!"

The Brit hightailed out of France's kitchen before the Frenchman could start singing the disturbing song once more.


It's just a short parody from "Disney's The Little Mermaid." The song is called "Le Poisson" (The Fish). Hope you enjoyed it!