Episode #01 / 716 - Fiona

Hello. I'm the author. I would like to start with a declaration that I do not own South Park in any way. Do you believe me? Okay then. This fanfiction is written in the form of a script, to maintain the similarity to the original show. Also, because I'm too lazy to write novels. Anyway, "South Park Aargh" is based on two thoughts. First, that I like South Park and would like to write some fanon episodes featuring the canon characters (with some OCs in, just to add something mine). And second, because ever since season 8, seasons are three episodes short (season 6 has 17 of them, season 7 has 15, and later only 14), so why not do that episodes myself? Most of my stories will be humor/parody ones. English isn't my native language, so be gentle with me... So, without further ado, let's move on to the opening titles.


[The opening sequence – the one from 7th season. The music plays the third, country style title theme]

Les Claypool: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.

Kyle + Stan: Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation!

Les Claypool: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.

Cartman: Ample Parking Day or Night, people spouting, "Howdy, Neighbor"!

Les Claypool: I'm headin' down to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.

[Suddenly, Butters appears instead of Kenny being cut out of paper by the animator]

Butters: Loo, loo, loo, I've got some apples, loo, loo, loo, you've got some too!

Les Claypool: So come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine.

[EPISODE 716 (season 7, episode 16): Fiona]

[The action takes place in Mr. Garrison's classroom. The bell rings and the children sit down, making a lot of noise. Garrison comes in.]

GARRISON: Okay, children, let's take our seats…

[The class exchanges quick looks.]

STAN: We're… already sitting, Mr. Garrison.

GARRISON: Don't be cheeky! Now, today is a very special day for us, children. You want to know why?

Garrison as MR. HAT: Gee whiz, Mr. Garrison, tell them, I can't wait!

GARRISON: Now let's be patient, Mr. Hat, we don't want to spoil the surprise.

MR. HAT: Yeah, but Mr. Garrison…

GARRISON: Now, look, Mr. Hat, you'll have to wait, I'll say it eventually, God…

CRAIG, [a little irritated]: Just tell us and get it over with…

JIMMY: Y-yeah, you don't have to add c-com-comedy, because f-frankly, you s-suck at it very much.

MR. HAT: Oh, yeah? Well, shut up, you fucking retards! Mr. Garrison will take as much time as he wants!

[Pip raises his hand at the back.]

PIP: Sir, I couldn't help noticing the inconsistency in the previous dialogue! Earlier the Mr. Hat chap said that he couldn't wait and now he tells you to take your time!

JIMMY: See? W-what did I say…

GARRISON: Okay, okay, just shut up! Everybody just shut up! If anyone else has a complaint about my sense of humour, they can go to the principal's office right now!

[A moment of silence.]

GARRISON: Now, that's better…

TIMMY: Timmah!

GARRISON: That's it, Timmy! To the principal's office!

[Timmy looks puzzled.]

TIMMY: Ti-timmah?

GARRISON: Jesus tap-dancing Christ… [pinches the bridge of his nose] All right, Heidi, take Timmy to the principal's office…

[Heidi stands up and pushes Timmy's wheelchair out of the classroom. The rest of the class stares at them and then looks at Garrison expectantly. Kyle frowns.]

KYLE: Well?

GARRISON: [looks at Kyle, puzzled] Well what?

KYLE: Why is this day so important to us?

GARRISON: Oh, jeez, I've forgotten all about it… Now, pay attention, students. As you may know, a new family has just moved in to South Park. Has anyone met them? [Nobody in the classroom raises their hand] No? Well, that doesn't surprise me, because you're all retarded social outcasts, am I right?

BUTTERS: [enthusiastically] Yes, sir!

GARRISON: …Okay. So, it turned out, as far as I can remember, that one of the family members is a nine-year old girl. And she's going to attend our school for some time, until the townspeople chase them out or burn their house or something… Yes, Eric, what is it?

[Cartman raises his hand.]

CARTMAN: Mr. Garrison, can I ask a question?

GARRISON: You just did, but you're quiet today, so you can ask another one. Shoot.

CARTMAN: Is the new girl's name Mary Sue?

GARRISON: Wha-what gave you that idea?

CARTMAN: I mean, a lot of chicks have been moving in and out of the town recently and all of them were like, nine years old, members of our class, murderers or rape victims, claimed to be beautiful and were abused by their family and told us about it the second they entered the classroom and all of them were named Mary Sue.

[The children stare at Cartman, Kyle and Wendy frowning.]

KYLE: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about? They weren't all named Mary Sue!

WENDY: Yeah, only half of them were!

[A moment of silence.]

GARRISON: No, Eric, I can assure you her name is not Mary Sue… Now can you please let me finish? …thank you. Ah, that's all. Now allow me to introduce… Fiona McTeagle. Fiona, can you come in?

[Fiona enters the classroom. She is as high as any other fourth-grader, has ginger hair, tied in two ponytails, dark blue trousers and a green jacket. She stops at Mr. Garrison's desk, looking around nervously. The kids start to whisper.]

GARRISON: Okay, children, let's leave the ridicule and abuse till after the school. Now Fiona, tell us a bit about yourself.

FIONA: Uh… Hello? [no reaction whatsoever from the students] I'm Fiona…

GARRISON: And that's not Fiona the ogre princess, do you hear? She's not an ogre, get it? Anyone laughing at Fiona and calling her an ogre will be sent to the principal immediately!

[The class starts to chuckle quietly. Fiona glares at Mr. Garrison.]

FIONA: I'm Fiona and… uh… I'm nine years old… I guess you already know that… Also, I'm from Scotland…

CARTMAN: [whispers] Scotland?

KYLE: Scotland?

PIP: Scotland? I say…

BEBE: Scotland?

KENNY: (Scotland?)

GARRISON: Oh, yes, I've forgotten to mention, that our little friend is Scotch.

FIONA: Scottish.

GARRISON: Whatever. Now I know that some of you enjoy making fun of racial and ethnic stereotypes…

[The class looks at Eric Cartman.]

GARRISON: …but if I catch any of you retards calling Fiona a greedy Scotsman or a ginger, money-mad ogre, I will be forced to inform the principal and, with some luck, have your balls cut off. Do I make myself clear?

CARTMAN: [chuckles] "Ginger, money-mad ogre"… That's a good one…

FIONA: Mr. Garrison, don't you think that the way you tell them not to insult me is actually… giving them ideas HOW they can insult me?

GARRISON: Honestly, Fiona, I don't know what gave you that idea…

[In the school hall, Stan, Kyle, Butters and Kenny are in the middle of talking while Cartman approaches them.]

STAN: Wow. So you had Scottish ancestors yourself, Kenny?

KENNY: (Yeah, dude. Distant ones, though.)

KYLE: Distant ones? And have you ever seen them?

KENNY: (Nuh-uh. They wouldn't lend us any money, so we couldn't afford the ticket.)

STAN: They wouldn't lend you any money?

BUTTERS: Uh, that's kind of mean, isn't it?

CARTMAN: You guys, you guys! We've gotta find a nickname for the new chick!

[The boys look at him surprised.]

KYLE: What are you talking about, fatass?

CARTMAN: Okay, so what do we call that chick when we see her? Mr. Garrison's suggestions were kinda kewl, but I was thinking to add something with "Mary Sue" in it.

KYLE: Cartman, will you shut up about this Mary Sue thing? We don't know anything about this girl except her name and the fact that she's Scottish! Why should we insult her in the first place?

[A few fourth graders stop by the boys to listen to the usual argument between Kyle and Cartman]

CARTMAN: Buh- Dude! She's the NEW KID! Isn't it fucking obvious? It is only our duty to make her feel miserable and ridiculed! Isn't it fucking obvious?

KYLE: Yes, but WHY? What is the point?

CARTMAN: [surprised] Wha… What is the point? What is the point of making fun of people? Are you out of your fucking mind, Kahl?

KYLE: Your attitude towards new people just sucks! You're only doing this because ripping on a new kid can make people hate someone more than you!

CARTMAN: Oh, yeah? Well, you're a fucking Jew, Kahl! And I know why you're defending that chick! It must be some kind of a secret alliance between money-obsessed nations! Why don't you just go back to her place and make some Scottish-Jew babies?

[A large group of people is now surrounding Cartman and Kyle.]

KYLE: What does me being a Jew have to do with your attitude toward new kids?

CARTMAN: Oh, I know what it's all about, Kahl! It's the ginger hair! You're protecting one of your own kind! Look, you fucking Jew, as long as I'm here, you red commies won't take over! Butters, are you with me?

BUTTERS: [happy to be noticed] Sure I am! My dad said commies are bad! Especially red ones!

STAN: …Weren't we at some point talking about the new kid?

CARTMAN: Stan's right, you guys! We've got to think of some really insulting nicknames…

STAN: That wasn't what I said, fatass!

CARTMAN: Okay, so how about "ogre-ass ginger-whiskey bitch Fiona"? If that's too long, then maybe "Tartan tart" would be nicer? Ah, here's a good one: "Fiona the ginger-piper Mary Sue". No? Then how about "The poor kid"? Short, nice and simple!

TOKEN: How do you know she's poor?

CLYDE: Isn't that Kenny's nickname?

KENNY: (Fuck off, Clyde!)

KYLE: You guys are retarded. I'm not going to insult her until I know her better!

[Kyle walks away.]

CARTMAN: All right, we got rid of the Jew, any more suggestions for nicknames?

[A moment of silence]

KEVIN: How about "Jabba MacHut"?

[A moment of silence]

CARTMAN: …Kev, goddamn you… [pinches the bridge of his nose] Okay, anything that isn't connected with Star Wars?

RED: How about "Red slut"?

CARTMAN: Okay, very nice, Red. Anything else?

[Long pause.]

FRANCIS: "Red slut"?

CARTMAN: Okay, we've had that, but still, very nice. Come on, be imaginative!

[The bell rings. Only Stan seems to notice that.]

STAN: The bell's ringing.

BUTTERS: Uh, that's a good one, Stan!

CARTMAN: A bit light, though. We should make something a bit more juicy…

STAN: No, I mean really, the bell's ringing!

CARTMAN: Adding "really" isn't making it insulting.

BEBE: [raises her eyebrow] Was it an insult in the first place?

STAN: [irritated] Look, you guys, I've heard the bell ringing just now!

[A pause.]

CARTMAN: Nah, that's no good either. That's way too long… She's gonna die of old age before you say it!

CRAIG: My guinea pig died yesterday, you know?

[All of the children stare at Craig.]

ESTHER: What's that got to do with anything?

CRAIG: [shrugs] I dunno. [he flips her off]

STAN: [irritated] Look, you guys, I have no idea whether you heard it or not but I have a strong feeling that I have to tell you that I have just heard the bell ringing at this very moment!

CARTMAN: Shut up, Stan, you're making it ridiculously long! Gawd!

[Stan pinches the bridge of his nose and goes back to the classroom. A moment later Fiona comes out of where Stan went to.]

FIONA: Shouldn't you lads come in? The bell just rang.

BUTTERS: Uh, wait a minute, Fiona, we're coming up with nicknames for you.

FIONA: What?

CARTMAN: [closes his eyes] Butters, goddamn you…

BUTTERS: Oh, I'm sorry, Eric! I meant… We're coming up with nicknames for you, you red, Scottish slut! [lowers his voice] Was that all right?

CARTMAN: Shut up, Butters! [comes near Fiona] Now, look, you Scotch hoe! You're the new kid, so the first thing you've gotta know is that I'm the real ruler of this skeewl!

FIONA: The what?

CARTMAN: Skeeewl! So, you have to learn to respect mah goddamn authoritah!

FIONA: What?


FIONA: Oh, AUTHORITY… [she raises an eyebrow] I thought that you said fatarse…

[the children laugh]

CARTMAN: Shut up, ginger! It's not funny! You're not even pronouncing it properlah!

FIONA: "Properlah", you say? It seems I'm not the only one here with pronunciation problems, fatty…

[the students laugh again]

CARTMAN: Shut your Jew mouths, assholes! [takes a few steps in Fiona's direction] Now listen to me, you fucking ogre! You might think you're so keewl, but we will never fucking accept you! If you ask me, you're always be just another fucking Mary Sue!

[A little pause]

FIONA: Whaaat? [acts as if she can't hear] You're saying you're fat?

[the students laugh again]

CARTMAN: SHUT UP! That's not even funnah!

[The classroom, the children sit down with blank faces, except for Cartman, who is clearly angry. He stares at Fiona, who sits down next to Butters and Kyle.]

GARRISON: Okay, children, let's take our seats… is what I would say hours ago except that you weren't here, apart from Stanley, Kyle and Jason.

JASON: [starts smiling, pleasantly surprised] Someone was talking about me? Hooray, I'm finally getting some attention!

[A pause.]

JASON: [gets sad] Never mind…

GARRISON: Now I think you owe me an explanation for this! Kyle!

KYLE: What? I'm the one who was in the classroom!

GARRISON: Oh. All right, Eric! What do you have to say for yourself?

CARTMAN: [playing surprised] Me? But, Mr. Garrison, it was all the new kid's fault!

FIONA: [genuinely surprised] What?

KYLE: [irritated] What?

CARTMAN: During the break she's been calling me faaaat! [starts to fake cry]

GARRISON: Is that true, Fiona?

FIONA: Yes, but he was…

GARRISON: Well, Fiona, I must say I'm disappointed with you. I guess you'll have to see the school councelor…

FIONA: Yes, but Mr. Garrison…

CARTMAN: Ha! In your face, ginger!

BUTTERS: Boy, she's gonna get it now!

KYLE: [stands up, frowning] Why do you keep blaming completely innocent people, you fucking fatass?

CARTMAN: How do you know if she's innocent, Jew?

GARRISON: Kyle, watch your language! You can go and see Mr. Mackey too!

KYLE: Goddamnit! [stands up and walks along Fiona to the door]

STAN: Hey, why isn't Cartman coming? He called Kyle a Jew!

GARRISON: …But Kyle IS a Jew.

STAN: Oh, right. I forgot.

[Kyle frowns at Stan. He then leaves the classroom with Fiona.]

To be continued, hopefully. Hope you enjoyed the chapter.