He always comes back, you remind yourself to ease the emptiness. It always works.
How you had become this way, you will never know. The rush of disturbing emotions that have taken your heart captive feel like they'll never go away. They claw at your chest until you feel hollow and nonexistent. He comes to you to forget everything around him and not feel. You used to think the same of him. But, when he's with you, you realise, everything is much more painful than when he's gone. When Sinbad is not with you, you are numb and everything is painfully frustrating. Sometimes the numbness feels like a relief.
You never kiss. It was something too intimate that the the two of you could never muster. It was something that would never belong to you. You try not to think of it but you find your mind dwelling on the subject far too long. It's hard because he's always so close. Yet even so, your feelings wallow and shrivel before they can reach him. You were never one to ever care what others thought about you. You do what you want. You always have. Then why has everything turned upside down- Why does it matter what he even thinks of you? You spend many sleepless nights in denial.
The feelings are strange. At first you thought you were sick because the aching in your chest would not stop for many days. It was a bruising ache that refused to heal. The frequent days when it was reduced to an annoying throb drove you insane. Out of frustration, you find it impossible to eat or sleep. The only thing that matters anymore is him. You must be sick after all.
It takes you far too long to come to the realization that you need him. When it dawns on you, life does not get any easier. If anything, it feels as if a large weight has been cast on your shoulders. It was a burden you weren't sure you could handle. When he comes and goes, you feign the indifference towards him that you've always thought was genuine. You must be good at it because he does not notice. Or he's noticed a long time ago and does not dare say anything because it would ruin everything. You know that is another much more important than you. You don't want to think about it but you always do in the end. When the tears that you've been anticipating and waiting for never fall, all you can manage is to laugh.
He always comes back, you remind yourself to ease the emptiness. And it always works... until he leaves again.
sorry, i am not a writer.