A Very Cruel Cut
A Ranma 1/2/SailorMoon fanfiction by June "KaraOhki" Geraci, Originally written November 17, 2002, revised December 26, 2002 and April 7, 2012.
Ranma 1/2 and its characters are owned by Rumiko Takahashi. Sailor Moon and its characters are owned by Naoko Takeuchi. My apologies to both ladies. This story was written for entertainment purposes only, and is not to be used commercially.
Shampoo ran behind Mousse, trying to catch up with him. He was so excited at the prospect of seeing top athletes from around the world performing that he'd ignored all of Cologne's objections to leaving the restaurant understaffed, actually put his glasses on properly, and taken off.
"When did you become so interested in track and field, Usagi? I've never seen you attend any matches at our school?"
The blonde stopped running so quickly that her companion was forced to catch herself before she ran her down. "You're kidding, Makoto, aren't you? We've got a chance to see some of the best-looking guys in the world, and you don't care?"
Makoto grabbed her friend's hand and dragged her down the street. "Maybe one of them looks like my old boyfriend!"
"Hurry, would you? I want to have a good seat! Would you put that down? It's not yours!"
"But this flower pot is SO cute! Louise! Louise!"
"Well what do I care about track and field? I've got better stuff to do than go to this stupid match! Ow! Let go!"
Akane ignored her fiance's comments, grabbed him by the pigtail, and dragged him to the gym. "Didn't you read the posters? The very best Olympic athletes are going to be right here! How often do you get to see the best in action?"
"Every time I look in the mirror-OW!"
The lines at the doors of Furinkan High School's gymnasium were long, and steadily getting longer. Not only was every student trying to get in, but the doorways were jammed with students from many other schools in the Tokyo area, as well as many Nerima residents. Soon the gym was packed to capacity, and everyone else was turned away. People jammed the available seats, looking expectantly at the array of equipment out on the gymnasium floor. The crowd grew quiet as the lights dimmed, and a lone spotlight turned on in the center of the floor. Then Tatewaki Kuno stepped into the light. He held a piece of paper in his hand. "My father asked me to read a message to those in attendance this afternoon, since he has been unavoidably detained elsewhere."
Kuno peered at the notes, and wrinkled his brow. "Perhaps it would be best if I paraphrased the speech. I refuse to speak in such an uncouth manner!"
I have called you together today, not to see a track and field competition, but for another purpose."
The audience began to murmur nervously, and glance at one another. Then they all jumped, as each door to the gymnasium slammed shut and locked. Kuno glanced down at the notes again, and turned pale. "I'm afraid we have been deceived. This message states that since all of Furinkan High's students have steadfastly refused to cut their hair in accordance with the school rules, Principal Kuno has brought us here to have it done forcibly."
That response came from hundreds of lips, especially those of people who were not Furinkan High students.
Kuno threw down the notes, and raised his bokken. "Join with me, all of you! We will not allow this!"
A strange metallic sound began, and the lights came up. The crowd looked, looked again, and began to laugh. A host of mechanical ostriches had entered the gym, and were advancing on the audience.
"Metal birds? No problem!" Ranma cracked his knuckles, and grinned at his fiancee. "Let's get them!"
"Oh, how cute!" cried Azusa. "Come to Mommy, Pauline!" She ran directly up to a bright yellow ostrich, which was blinking its huge mechanical eyes at her. The creature opened its mouth, displaying some very interesting teeth. They were normally seen on a razor cutter in a barbershop. Seconds later, Azusa sported a very cute crew cut. She collapsed on her partner, crying hysterically, which prevented him from defending himself from the advancing bird.
"I never wanted us to have the same hairdo!" wailed Mikado, as he pulled a mirror out of the pocket. Then his expression changed. "It certainly looks much better on me than it does on you!"
"My babies!" screamed Soun Tendo. He threw himself in front of Kasumi as a green ostrich advanced on her. He got the crew cut intended for his daughter before his friend Genma destroyed the mechanical bird.
"No cute guys?" Usagi began to sniffle.
Minako came hurrying up to her friend. "You've got more to worry about than that, silly! You should be more concerned about protecting our hair!"
Usagi screamed, and began looking about frantically for a place to transform. Two pairs of hands grabbed her and dragged her under the risers. Minako and Makoto followed, and found Rei and Ami beneath the seating.
"Isn't this a little too public?" asked Minako.
"It's the best we can do!" replied Ami. "Just do it!"
"Stay behind me, Tomboy!" Ranma kicked a blue ostrich, sending it into a red one. Both crumpled.
"Why? You said WE should get them!" was the only reply Ranma got, and he turned to see Akane run over to the equipment on the gymnasium floor and pick up a hammer. She weighed it in her hand, and grinned. "Nice." Then she proceeded to knock the head off of a hot pink ostrich with her new weapon. "Principal Kuno didn't do a very good job with these things. They're too easy to beat."
Ranma couldn't help but laugh. "Aren't ya supposed to throw those things?" Then he shrugged. "Whatever works! Come on, they need help!" Ranma pointed at the other end of the gym, where three ostriches were menacing a group of teachers. Miss Hinako stood in front of her colleagues, but the ostriches were impervious to her attempt to drain them. Before Ranma or Akane could reach them, Mousse and Shampoo destroyed the evil birds. Unfortunately, they were a few seconds too late to help Miss Hinako.
"Nabiki Tendo, get behind me. I will not allow you to be harmed by this creature."
"You won't get any arguments from me, Kuno-baby!"
"Strike strike strike strike strike strike STRIKE!" The tip of Kuno's bokken was moving so quickly that it could barely be seen. The beak of the ostrich he fought moved just as quickly. The bokken disintegrated within seconds.
"Kuno, I think we should run."
Run they did, to the doors that people were frantically trying to open. Kuno put Nabiki behind him again, and faced the oncoming birds, his only weapon a wooden pole he'd appropriated from the pole vault area. People were being shorn all around them, and the sound of wailing permeated the air.
"In the name of the Moon, I will punish you!" Five girls stood up in the middle of the gym. Everyone stopped to stare.
"They're not real, are they?" whispered Akane to Ranma.
"I never thought they were, Akane. It's gotta be a joke."
The Senshi began to shout their attacks. Usagi raised her scepter, pointed it at an ostrich, and-
"SWEETO!" Happosai attached himself to her bosom.
"EEEEK!" screamed Usagi.
"PERVERT!" yelled the remaining Scouts. They all converged on Usagi, and attempted to pry Happosai off her. This caused all of them, including Usagi, to be distracted enough to get new hairdos.
Ranma shrugged. "Toldja it was a joke. No serious fighters are gonna run around in skirts that short!" Then a familiar voice raised itself among the wailing crowd.
"That's it! No more!" Ostrich heads began flying past left and right, as a furious okonomiyaki chef waded through them. "Ran-chan, how about a little help here?"
"We're on it! C'mon, Akane! Pop, get a move on!"
Within a few minutes every ostrich in the room had been destroyed by the combined efforts of the Nerima crew. The Sailor Scouts had vanished in hysterics, leaving in their wake a seriously damaged Happosai. It was later discovered that he had been trampled by several pairs of high heels and boots.
At the other end of the gym, Tatewaki Kuno lifted the tarpaulin he had thrown over Nabiki Tendo. "You may come out now, it is safe."
The young woman looked at him and suppressed her giggle. After all, he had sacrificed his own hair for her sake.
Principal Kuno approached Furinkan High School. By his estimation, his birds should have just about finished their assignment, and he looked forward to seeing the results.
When he turned the corner, he realized that it was quiet. Much too quiet. A huge crowd of people stood there, staring at him. At the head of the crowd stood his son, standing there proudly, despite his humiliating haircut.
"Father, what you have done today surpasses everything you have done in the past. For this, you deserve punishment."
"Let me at him!" shouted Ranma.
"No, Saotome." Ranma jumped in surprise as Kuno smiled at him. "As much as I would like to let you have your wish, there are some here who have more of a right to take their vengeance first." He stood aside, and Miss Hinako came forward, holding a coin. Behind her stood a long line of respected Nerima citizens, all holding pieces of sports equipment. None of them intended to use said equipment for the purpose envisioned by the manufacturers.
Principal Kuno turned white beneath his tan.
"There's a youma attacking. We HAVE to go!"
"But Ami," wailed Usagi. "I don't want anybody to see me like this!"
"We don't have a choice!"
The girls transformed, and raced to the youma's location. It was a particularly ugly one, dripping gooey venom and glowing green in the darkness. They stepped out of the shadows, and confronted it.
The youma laughed itself to death three minutes later.
At the time I originally wrote this story, it was pointed out to me by people who know more about Sailor Moon than I do that when the girls transform at the end, the transformation should "cure" their haircuts. However, the story is much more fun this way, so please forgive the inaccuracy!
Comments are welcome.