Again and Again and Again;

CHAPTER ONE: and so I lost my mind:

I'm scared. Of course I'm scared. I can't get out of my head the people who were killed here. I wander why I'm not dead yet- I haven't killed anybody and there's only three people left, and I think Matt is one of them.

He is my neighbour: has been for about 9 years, and we only started the last few years hanging out, like the only way bored, innocence friends can. He has a girlfriend, Rebecca. I wander what she thinks, watching him now. I know their still together: he vaguely told me during training days and days ago. He told me he wants to win... Because he proposed to her in the justice building. I was shocked when he told me, but then, I can't judge, and if they love each other... Maybe it'll all work out. But I don't know anymore, what to believe in. Is hope lost? Maybe, but I think I'm in denial.

Anyway, if I don't survive, I hope that Matt does.

I know somehow, somewhere inside me, I am dead. I think a little bit of you dies when you witness things in these arenas. I'll never get back to myself again because I'll never forget what I've watched.

The gamemakers are obviously not happy with me. No canon has been shot for about a day and a half. I've been hiding all these games and unfortunately I've had to witness almost every single death in this arena. I've needed to hide in different areas, search for water or food... And every time, I've always had to witness someone being tortured before being killed. It feels like everyone knows exactly where I am, and they always try to scare me and scar me with these deaths. Sometimes it happens right at midnight, right under my tree or around the corner or in the flicker of somebody's camp light.

It used to be that I could close my eyes and I'd see them being murdered again and again... But now I don't even need to close my eyes see them.

One of the hardest things I've had to face in this arena, so far, is the fact that I have to keep my mouth shut. I'd have to watch the murders happen and not say anything, not stop it. I know later on... I'll never understand why I let that happen, what I thought. But at the moment I decide not to think about it. Because I even watched thirteen year olds being mocked and threatened and then killed mercilessly.

It's early morning now. I climb down the tree I've been hiding in for the last two days. I don't prefer it: I'm not great heights and I'm not gracious at climbing them, but I can, and it's safest.

My head feels heavy and I know it was stupid not to have slept for the past night. My throat and tongue are completely parch: reminding me that I'm dehydrated. What was I thinking? Maybe if I stay up in the tree, I'll be safe: avoid everything and pretend it didn't happen... I think maybe I'm too tired to care about anything. It could be denial, but I'm happy to be in denial of being in denial.

In my state of exhaustion, I could have sworn I saw a silhouette behind some bush.

I'm about to walk away, when I heard it: the scream. The scream feels screechy and pierces down my spine coldly. I was frozen down on the spot, shocked and only barely remembering that the murderer could be coming after me. So, I do the most rational thing: I start moving my legs... And suddenly, before I realise it, I'm ducking behind the bush.

I'm curious to see whose there- maybe I'll know who to avoid. Or maybe it's Matt and I don't need to leave-

"WAIT!" a rough voice yelps.

And then the district 7 boy beheaded Matt.

I hadn't braced myself. And so I lost my mind. Finally.

Author's Note; Please review and let me know what you think!
P.S. I don't own anything... expect, you know, the plot line thing on this fanfiction... FAN-FICTION... :) -Lightning And Blossoms