A/N: This is my first Torchwood fanfiction- well, it's not really a fiction, it's more of a long drabble. It's all dialogue between Jack and Ianto. Rated T for minor swearing. Please review and boost my confidence, and say whether I should write more dialogue/drabbles or something!x
"Wait, Ianto, what is that?"
"This? This is my bag, Jack."
"Right. You have a bag."
"Yes. Yes I do."
"And what exactly do you keep in this bag, Ianto?"
"Oh, you know, the usual stuff."
"Lipstick? Compact? Pantyliners?"
"No, Jack, this is a man bag."
"So what do men keep in their 'man bags'?"
"Um, PDA, extra comms, note pad, Weevil spray, Taser… And my gun."
"Is that all?"
"No, erm… Retcon, torch, phone, keys, flask…"
"Freaking hell Ianto! You've got everything but the kitchen tiles in there!"
"I think you'll find it's everything but the kitchen sink, Jack."
"How do you manage to carry that monster and still manage to catch a Weevil?"
"I have my ways."
"You used that self-enlargement tool again, didn't you?"
"Ianto! I told you to archive that! Especially after Gwen and the Hermione Granger incident! Myfawny hasn't been quite the same since he got trapped in Gwen's purse…"
"I have archived it, Jack. I just used it before I archived it to adjust my bag. I mean, Gwen had that everlasting bag…"
"Which has been locked away in my safe."
"…and I, well, wanted one. I've always wanted something to put my stuff in on missions. So…"
"What's wrong with a Jansport? You can fit more than enough in one of those."
"…I borrowed the enlargement tool, just this once. All Harry Potter 'opinions' have been banned from the Hub, so I didn't think there was a problem."
"Problem? Yes, Ianto, there is a problem. You never use alien tech without my permission, ever, ok? No matter how cool it is."
"Yes, I know that, Jack. I've been working in Torchwood for over two years. I am usually the one who enforces the rules to Owen, Tosh, Gwen and, uh, Owen, on your behalf."
"So I thought you of all people would understand that rules were made for a purpose, not to be broken! We were lucky we noticed that Myfawny had flown into Gwen's purse. But what if you fell into your bag on an individual mission? How would we know to get you out? You could be stuck in bag land forever, and who would make us coffee then? We'd have to settle for decaf and Owen is even more of a bastard without caffeine."
"I'm kidding, Ianto."
"Oh. I do keep it zipped up at all times."
"Don't push it, Ianto."
"Good… But you can keep it. On two conditions."
"And what might those be?"
"One, don't tell the others. Especially not Gwen. She's dying to get that purse back, an expensive present from Rhys or something. But it's expanded so much on the inside it could possibly swallow the whole of Cardiff and a good chunk of South Wales."
"I can easily agree on that. Number two?"
"You look very, very sexy with it."
"…I can agree on that too."