AN: Couldn't wait to get this idea out. Enjoy!
A few more months and my ownership papers for Draco will be going through…
~MALFOY MANOR~~DRACO MALFOY'S BEDROOM~
Fucking brilliant. Draco Malfoy thought to himself while glaring up at his ceiling with tired eyes.
He was a grown fucking man, and he had been confined to his room like a bloody child who'd broken a vase! Granted he had broken a vase…it'd just been done while trying to throw it at Lord Greengrass' head.
He'd tried every fucking spell he knew to get himself out. Every. Single. Spell. And when your girlfriend and NEWT time study-buddy is Hermione Granger, then you know an obscene amount of spells for everything.
When the spells had failed he'd resorted to trying to break his window with various heavy baubles he had in his room. Apparently it'd been spelled as well…fucking wizards….
As a last resort he started calling in various elves to apparate him off the property, but unfortunately they had been ordered to not take his orders but for food. Hell, he'd bloody sunk to bribing them with more chores and they still wouldn't listen!
What was the problem you ask? Why was it so bad that he hadn't slept in the entire week he'd been confined, and hadn't eaten anything in the last two days? Well I'll tell you why.
Draco Malfoy was getting married.
Now normally the state he's in is something that occurs after a prolonged period of marriage, not before. But in this case, he'd apparently been promised to the stupid chit he was to marry since her stupid birth, eighteen stupid years ago. And that document had been sealed in blood; it was unbreakable.
Of course he fought it, fought it tooth and nail. But there was nothing anyone could do and to keep him out of their hair he'd been confined to his room.
Draco couldn't believe he was being forced to undergo this archaic practice, all because his father had thought it was in the family's best interest before Draco had even been capable of using the toilet let alone being betrothed.
Speaking of his father, Lucius had gone spare when his son had defiantly told him he was planning to marry the Mudblood Granger, and had already proposed.
That reaction however, was nothing compared to the one he had when upon being asked, Draco informed him that the Malfoy family heirloom engagement ring he was given at age thirteen was currently on the finger of aforementioned Mudblood Granger.
So here he lay, awaiting his doom. He really wanted nothing better than to hex the entire Manor six ways to Sunday and then elope with his woman.
Speaking of Hermione, she'd been positively livid when he'd told her the situation his darling parents had gotten him into.
The first thing she'd done was viciously stake her claim over him with both her words, as well as her tongue, right there in the Weasely's kitchen. Next, without a word she'd gotten comfortable in a loveseat and started pulling textbooks out of her Undetectable Extension Charmed bag.
Draco had looked at her in abject disbelief, not comprehending that the only thing she could think to do at a time like this was read.
Taking pity on the poor blond, Ron and Ginny came up and each placed a consoling hand on his shoulder.
It was Ron who spoke first. "Don't worry Malfoy; Mione's in research mode. She's looking for a way to break a marriage contract bound in blood. You can tell if you read her lips…she's mumbling things to herself."
Ginny continued. "If Hermione doesn't find a way around this entire thing to marry you then as Merlin as my witness I'll change my name to She-Weasel Little-Red Weasley, just for you."
Harry piped up from the couch across from Hermione. "Trust us Malfoy, last time Hermione was researching like this," he gestured to her furious speed reading and note taking a mile a minute, "Cormac McLaggen ended up chasing his man parts around the Hogwarts Castle for a fortnight. And then he spent another fortnight on his knees before Hermione begging with her to reattach them."
Hermione didn't so much as look up as in the next instance the door was broken down and Draco was apparated away by his father and some of his cronies. Nor did anyone move to help him.
Well if they had that much faith in Hermione Granger's abilities, then he would too. And he did.
But time was running out. With the wedding approaching and no escape in sight, Draco was wondering if he shouldn't just drown himself in his bathtub.
He thought better of it when he imagined Hermione following right along in his footsteps just so she could harp at him for eternity, while death continued to not do them part. He may love the infuriating woman, but she sure could nag with the best of them.
Lost as he was in his thoughts he didn't notice nightfall come upon him. Pretty soon it was two in the morning and he knew there was no one else awake in the Manor. Still, how was he supposed to sleep? He was being made to marry Astoria Greengrass who didn't even have two halves of one brain cell to rub together, let alone two whole ones.
And just as the thought of his brilliant little witch crossed his mind he saw something that made him want to cry tears of joy. Not that he would though, he was still a Malfoy…even if he hated the lot of them.
Through his window came the familiar figure of a misty, silver otter.
Hermione's Patronus relayed him her message.
How he'd been dying to hear her voice.
"Draco love, I know you've been waiting for me. I'm sorry it took so long, but these old blood contracts are nearly impossible to get out of; particularly the marriage ones. It took mountainous amounts of research and I actually learned quite a bit about many things trying to get us out of this situation. You and I really need to go over the notes I made later. There are new spells and potions just screaming to be invented from those pages alone! It's all so exciting! However I'm getting ahead of myself right now, but of course you don't care about that. Well I'm happy to tell you I found a solution to this entire debacle about four days ago. Now I'm sure you're wondering why the bloody hell I'm telling you now if I found it days ago. Well the problem lies in the solution. I found that marriage contracts signed in blood or otherwise are null and void if one of the bride or groom marries another previous to the contract being fulfilled as divorces do not exist is the Wizarding world. Well herein lays the dilemma. Who are we supposed to find to marry you on such short notice who doesn`t mind the surliness? Hehe, just kidding Malfoy! Bad timing, I know. But all these Weasely's are starting to rub off on me without you here as a buffer. Anyway, then I had to find a way to marry you while you're locked up in the Manor. The solution just came this morning as it were, and it was from little Victoire if you'll believe that. There we were, the lot of us practically inhaling coffee all day, every day for the last week trying to find a solution. Molly didn't even say anything about our diets; she just keeping making us all coffee, then settled in to help herself! But anyway, so there we are researching like mad; Ronald and Harry finishing more books cover to cover in the past week than I've seen them do in our entire Hogwarts career. Then out of nowhere, in comes little Victoire from her nap. She crawls into Ronald's lap, and proceeds to ask if she can see his doggy and Auntie Ginny's horsey. From the mouths of babes indeed! Well imagine how stupid the lot of us felt, staring at the child as if she were an alien, wondering why the hell no one had thought to mention the Patronus. It is after all a magical, binding form of sending a message to another. And the Patronus itself is tied into the caster's emotions. So if one were to say, give wedding vows through a Patronus it'd be the purest form of matrimony. After all, you can only give loving and true vows when you're holding on to your happiest of thoughts right? Well then going on that hunch we discarded everything we'd been doing and started looking into marriage vows, ways to perform them long distance, and the Patronus charm. As luck would have it Blaise-oh did I tell you Blaise, Theo and pansy were here? Well that's why they haven't been keeping you company; they've been here trying to help save our love so you better not be mad at them! Well anyway, Blaise found a book detailing that the only way vows could be taken over a distance was if the couple really and truly loved each other, not for material or superficial reasons but if they honestly couldn't live without the other. And based on my own opinion, as well as that of every here who's ever seen us together; you and I fit the bill. And as our luck would have it, the only concrete way to know that your feelings are true is to use the Patronus. While words alone may be empty or spoken in deceit, the Patronus is the one form taken that disallows lies. For one cannot create one it they're heart if filled with evil and they are looking to hurt another. Only happiness and love will allow a Patronus to span the distance. If lies are spoken it'll shrivel up and dissipate on the way to deliver the message. That by the way is one of the cool new things I learned; neat huh? Well okay, I should probably get on with this; Ronald is currently whining about how he didn't even think a Patronus could hold a message longer than two sentences let alone sixty paragraphs; yes he actually said sixty paragraphs. Anyway, I currently have Ronald and Harry here as my bridesmen-one word about them being poofs and you will spend our honeymoon on the couch-, Ginny is my maid of honour, all the Weasely's are here as our guests and Arthur is taping the proceedings on his muggle video camera as we speak so you can see them later, for a more detailed look I'll let you borrow my pensieve. I've got Blaise here as your best man, Theo as a groomsman, and Pansy as a groomsgirl-so HA, we're even. Victoire and Teddy are our flower girl and ring bearer, Professor Dumbledore is presiding over the ceremony and Professor Snape just sneeringly walked me down the hall-that was our makeshift aisle. So since Blaise overheard your father and his talking about these plans for you beforehand, he decided to be a little sneak and since he didn't have the time, nor the means to get you into hiding while you were at the Burrow that day, he did the next best thing. He snuck into your Manor, got to your room, and pinched the Malfoy wedding ring you meant to give me. Said if it was in the house it'd be located and you'd be forced to put it on Astoria's grubby little finger. Unfortunately he won't let me see it until it's time for the rings. So since he has it, and he is your best man, he's acting as stand-in groom to perform all the actions required of the groom to make this marriage completely and totally one hundred and ten percent official. Yes, that means he has to hold my hand, put the ring on my finger, lift my veil-which is actually a shawl-, and…uhm…kiss me… But he promises to make it as short as possible! Something about liking the placement of his nose as it is…. Well anyway, Professor Dumbledore has already started the ceremony and we need your vows before we can continue…so…well…send along your vows already! What are you waiting for?"
It took Draco about a minute to gather his bearings and pick his jaw up off the floor.
He was marrying a mad woman.
A brilliant, beautiful, sweet, loving, kinky, seductive little vixen…but absolutely stark raving mad.
Who else manages to find a way around a practice that's been around since before Merlin himself was born, and in less than a week at that?
Well never mind all that right now, he had some vows to send his lovely-he was sure she was- bride.
Bringing to the forefront of his mind the day Hermione said yes to his proposal, Draco spoke with vigor. "Expecto Patronum!"
Out of his wand came the form of wispy king cobra, and Draco spoke his vows to it.
"Granger you should be bloody institutionalized, did you know that? Who the hell sends a completely, unnecessarily long Patronus and proceeds to end off with 'Oh by the way Draco I have our bridal party here for our wedding; send me your vows would you?' I do hope it's not hereditary or our children are going to end up crazy as well. But then again your psychosis is a good deal of the reason I fell in love with you now isn't it? I could get sane women who swoon at my dashing good looks anywhere. But a crazy Granger is one-of-a-kind. And after all… a family as prominent as the Noble House of Malfoy can't very well induct women of the common variety into their name now can they? The very idea makes me cringe Granger! And if nothing else…the shagging is so brilliant I'm convinced it stimulates growth of brain cells, thereby making me-even more- brilliant. So therefore, if I wish to keep my wits about me in my old age I do believe marrying you would be the most beneficial of moves. I love you, your smarts and this clever idea of yours; we'll look into your notes and get started on those spells and potions you want to invent after-or knowing you, during- the honeymoon. And Zabini you had better not kiss my girl any longer than a tenth of a nanosecond or I'll displace more than you nose!"
And with that, Draco sent off his Patronus and watched it zoom out of his sight into the darkness.
After exactly seven minutes and forty-six seconds of anxious waiting, Draco finally got his reply in the form of another otter.
"Draco Malfoy I hope you're aware that you just won Theo and Ginny a rather large sum of Galleons! The both of them were convinced you would incorporate your apparent "dashing good looks" into your vows. And here I thought they were being silly…how stupid of me. Ronald managed to snag the biggest win though for betting you'd mention shagging in your vows. As well, Pansy has collected a tidy sum for betting that you'd mention other women falling at your feet. I really haven't the faintest clue why I'm even marrying you, let alone going through all this trouble to do it! Then again it might be how you can lead off from my apparent lack of mental health into how much you love and adore me-much like I just did. I suppose we're stuck with each other you and I; who else would deal with your dizzying narcissism and my penchant to read abhorrently long books? It's each other or nothing Malfoy. Astoria should be grateful I'm taking you off her claws-hands I mean. She'd be crying tears of blood after a week of living with you! I love you more than life itself Malfoy and Voldemort himself couldn't keep you and I apart. So then what are a few of his ex-minions to us but minor roadblocks? I would love to go on and on about how much I love you but Ronald looks ready to hex me if I speak another sentence. I love you, and I'll see you soon! *mwah*"
And with that the otter disappeared, leaving a highly amused Malfoy in its wake.
Not two minutes later, Ginny appeared right before his eyes holding Kreacher's hand.
Before Draco could say a word to exclaim his surprise, Ginny spoke with a smirk. "With this ring, I thee wed." And with that she grabbed his hand and put the ring on him.
Once that was complete she looked at Kreacher expectantly and he spoke for the first time. "With the power vested in me by Headmaster Dumbledore, I now pronounce you man and wife. Master Mr. Malfoy sir, you may now kiss the stand-in bride."
Glaring at Draco's lost expression Ginny growled. "Do it! Do it now before the minute is up or the marriage won't be official and Dumbledore won't be able to perform the binding!"
Hearing that, Draco snapped out of his trance, grabbed Ginny by the waist, and laid the heartiest of kisses on her lips.
He pulled away looking at her dazed expression with a smirk. "Is that official enough for the Ministry?"
Rather than answering his question Ginny spoke to herself. "Hermione, you lucky hag…and that was without tongue…"
Gaining her wits she nodded at Draco and went to grab Kreacher's hand again when Draco stopped her. "Wait, how can Kreacher get in? And why couldn't he bring Hermione herself? And why the hell can't he just take me with you?"
Kreacher spoke first. "Master Sirius left Kreacher with orders to serve the Noble House of Potter. As such, Kreacher no longer serves Mistress Narcissa of the Noble House of Black. So her orders to not help you are not applied to Kreacher."
Nodding, Draco turned to Ginny for the answers to his other two questions.
Shrugging, Ginny answered. "Hermione didn't want to come; leading up to wild post-over-week-long abstinence sex I believe she called it? And she doesn't want you to come back with us, because she wants to royally fuck over Astoria and company by having you go through with the wedding only to have them unable to perform the binding because you're already married."
Draco's lips slowly upturned into the most sadistic of sneers. "My Princess of Slytherin and I are going to turn this entire Manor upside down…and she doesn't even have to be here to do it!"
Ginny grinned at him. "Were you aware the Sorting Hat would have put her in Slytherin if it hadn't thought she'd get eaten alive? And by the way, Hermione won't answer any of your Patronus' now. She doesn't want to give you anything to work with until your post-abstinence sex. How the woman managed to abstain for the first seventeen years of her life I will never know."
And with that, she was gone before she had to listen Draco complain about Hermione ignoring him on their wedding night.
~MALFOY MANOR~~BALLROOM~~DAY OF THE WEDDING~
Lucius and Narcissa were astonished at the change in their son. He had gone from cursing Astoria's name to anyone who would or wouldn't listen, to grinningly helping with wedding preparations. No one could figure out what had brought this change in him. And they had all failed to notice the new, shining ring on his left ring finger.
Too bad for them…it might have saved them some shred of dignity.
So there Draco finally stood. At the alter with a blinding grin, looking for all the world like the sun shone out of his arse, Draco waited for his "bride".
Behind him stood his party, Blaise, Theo, and some random tosser cousins of Astoria's that had bitched themselves into the wedding party.
Draco had been smiling more in that week than he ever had in his life. Due to this, everyone had been staying out of his way, because quite frankly he was scaring the living hell out of them all.
He watched with no small amount of glee as Astoria made her way up the aisle.
His grin got progressively bigger as the Minister started to perform the ceremony.
Of course, all this time, Astoria was ecstatic. As far as she was concerned Draco Malfoy was the happiest he'd ever been in his life just because he was getting married to her.
Draco looked at Astoria is faux adoration as he spoke and put the ring on her finger. "With this ring, I thee wed."
Astoria copied his actions. "With this ring, I thee wed."
Now it was time for the Minister to perform the Binding Hearts.
"Ligare tua corda cum amantis vota
Voverit tuam amor tenaci corda
Vinculum cum osculo circulum perficit
Non etiam per mortem tu separata esse"
Now what was supposed to happen at this point is what Draco knew happened when Dumbledore bound himself and Hermione; a red cord would loop around the both of them, tying their –now visible- auras to each other's.
What actually happened left the poor Minister in confused shock, and the rest of his family looking on in slack-jawed confoundedness.
What Draco wouldn't have done for a picture...
So what happened you ask?
The Minister's wand, upon casting the spell…sizzled.
Yes that's right. It sizzled, and sputtered out red sparks.
Both families, as well as the bride herself looked on in absolute horror at the events; no one knew what to make of them. This spell had been used since the dawn of Wizarding time to bind couples in marriage. It had never failed; never.
It was Lord Greengrass who finally noticed that while everyone else was looking for all the world as if they'd had the Confundo Charm tossed at them, the groom, his best man, and his only chosen groomsmen were grinning like a couple of naughty children at Yule time.
He got up and glared accusingly at Draco. "YOU HALF-WITTED LITTLE BLOND BASTARD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE MALFOY? I KNOW IT WAS YOU! DON'T YOU DARE DENY IT!"
Draco merely smirked elatedly. "Why Lord Greengrass Sir, when did I ever deny anything? I'm happily admitting to you right now that I know what happened. But unfortunately, I cannot take all the credit. You see, this is all thanks to my precious, beautiful, devilish, sexy wife."
The Minister-thought still confused- shook his head. "No, no Mr. Malfoy, you seem to be mistaken. Ms. Greengrass is not your wife until the binding goes through, which for some reason it isn't."
At this, Blaise and Theo just gave up on their composure and burst into raucous laughter.
Draco rolled his eyes. "Please Minister, I said precious, beautiful, devilish, and sexy. I think you may need to clean out your ears because clearly you heard something along the lines of worthless, unsightly, psychotic, and easy. Why on Earth would I want the sloppy thirtieths-or so- of my Slytherin year-mates?"
Ignoring the seething bride, the-still- confused Minister shook his head. "But you just said your wife-"
Draco smiled this time; a true smile. "Yes, my wife. My wife who took one week to figure out how to get around a marriage contract that's been in place for nineteen years and marry me long distance so I couldn't be bound to another. My wife…the one and only-and incredibly shaggable-, Hermione Jean Malfoy!"
By now Theo and Blaise were laughing so hard, not a sound was escaping either of them.
You could have heard a wand drop it was so silent.
In fact, Draco did hear several wands drop from the limp hands of their dumbfounded owners.
And there was the clatter of Lucius' cane.
And there was the thud of Narcissa's body falling over Lucius' cane; ah this was entirely too fun. He-or rather Hermione- should have thought of this ages ago!
Seeing as his wife was indisposed, Lucius closed his gaping jaw and confronted his son. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE MUDBLOOD IS YOUR WIFE? HAVE YOU LOST WHAT LITTLE SENSE YOU HAD! SHE CAN'T BE YOUR WIFE; YOU HAVEN'T BEEN OUT OF THE MANOR IN OVER A WEEK!"
Draco merely chuckled at his father. "Father I do believe this is the most dishevelled I've ever had the pleasure of seeing you. I must say, it's been the chocolate frog to top off the most hilarious day of my entire existence."
Taking pity on his poor, sputtering father, Draco spoke once more. "No, I didn't leave the Manor. As I said, Hermione found a way to marry me while she was safe at home with our friends, and I was in my bedroom. Actually, our three day anniversary is at 2:30am tomorrow morning; don't forget to wish us!"
Apparently that was too much for poor Lucius to take. He fell into a dead faint over top of his immobile wife.
Sighing in content, Draco looked at his would-be bride. "Don't feel too bad love! I'm sure you'll find another rich bloke to marry; I hear Vince and Greg are looking for wives."
Beaming down at the speechless bride, Draco leaned down and pecked her on the cheek before walking back up the aisle with his two hysterical friends, wiggling his fingers back at her on the way. "Ta-ta Astoria dear! Do keep me updated, and the missus and I fully expect an invite to your wedding once you finally find some poor sod-pardon, once you finally find "the one"."
And with that, Draco, Theo, and Blaise turned and gave one last wave and a gentlemanly bow from the end of the aisle, and with that they were gone.
As they popped out, Lucius and Narcissa began to rouse. Rubbing his head, Lucius spoke. "What happened? I just had the most asinine nightmare of my life. Draco married a Mudblood without leaving the Manor, voided the marriage contract, and left poor Astoria at the alter to run off with his Mudblood to celebrate their three day anniversary at two fifteen in the morning tomorrow."
Narcissa looked up at her husband in fear. "…and he'd been smiling more in the last two days than anyone had ever seen him do so in his entire life…?"
Looking at their surroundings, and then meeting each other's gaze, both their eyes widened.
And they promptly fainted.
~ON A GONDOLA IN VENICE, ITALY~
Draco brushed the hair off his wife's face. "What would I ever do without you my clever little witch?"
Hermione shrugged up at him. "Well you would probably be honeymooning with Astoria Malfoy right now dear."
Draco twitched. "That sounds positively vile! Like some country frump telling a tale of the Malfoy's; A-stori-a Malfoy…a story of Malfoy? Ridiculous!"
Hermione gave him a coy look. "Ridiculous is it? And how exactly is Hermione Malfoy any better?"
Draco smirked. "It's better because the Hermione in Hermione Malfoy is the most beautiful, smart, amazingly saucy bitch to both walk the Wizarding World, and wear the Malfoy wedding band."
Hermione raised an eyebrow at her husband. "Don't you mean witch?"
Shaking his head, Draco looked upon her again. "No; bitch. What witch could put up with my Malfoy-esque familial shit and still fight for me? Only a bitch would and could do both."
Hermione shook her head at his response. "Whatever you say Malfoy; whatever you say. And by the way, I still expect an explanation as to why you sent Harry's girlfriend back to the Burrow in a speechless daze, mumbling about how I'm a lucky hag due to your lips' superior kissing skills."
Draco grinned at her, and ignoring half of what she had said, he went about pushing her onto her back in the gondola. "Whatever I say huh? I rather like the way you think Granger, or should I say Malfoy?"
Hermione rolled her eyes and gripped his collar. "Just shut up and kiss me. We have a lot of research to do when we get back. You still haven't looked at any of the notes I-"
And no more was said that night. All that was heard from the lone gondola were moans of pleasure and declarations of love.
All the while, in a Manor in Wiltshire, England, a mother and father were cursing the very existence of their wayward, blood-traitor son.
But did he care?
No, I can't say that he did; he was rather preoccupied at the moment.
AN: Well? How was it? Do remember that I rather love to read your reviews, not flames; reviews.
Translation of the Binding Hearts spell:
Bind thine hearts with lover's vows
Vow thine love with binding hearts
With a kiss and a ring the binding completes
Not even by death will you separated be