AN: In order to protect Naruto from Jiraiya's influence Tsunade takes it upon herself to prepare him for life traveling with the Toad sage.

Don't know where this one came from, but it made me laugh. xD I don't own Naruto.


The Godaime paced her office. Her hands were clasped together behind her back, the long slender fingers rubbing together in a gesture of nervousness. The strands of blond hair swung around her face, as her green over shirt flared out dramatically with each turn. Hard amber colored eyes followed the well worn path but her thoughts were far from it.

She didn't want to have to do this…It was a task that had to be done, to be sure. But in spite of her position, and her vast knowledge on the subject, Tsunade couldn't help but feel that she wasn't the appropriate candidate for it. The problem was-there was no one else who would be any better…and quite a few who would be far worse; so the medic had swallowed her own discomfort and committed herself to it.

As the Hokage, and for the future generations…she would do her duty.

But as the seconds ticked by and turned into minutes the short-tempered kunoichi became even more restless.

What was taking him so long to get here? She knew he was busy with the chores he needed to get done before he left, but she had given an order as the Leader of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, and she expected him to get to it faster then this!

When he finally arrived it was with a cheerful grin; he didn't knock on her door as he should have, but strolled into her office with his usual confident gait.

"Hey Tsunade-baachan! Shizune-nee said you wanted to see-"

"I sent for you an hour ago!" She cut him off, her tone laced with annoyance. "In the future, I expect you to respond immediately, is that clear?"

Naruto gave a little shrug. "Yeah, sure." Unconcerned as always the boy swung his arms up and linked his fingers behind his head, grinning at her. "So, what's up?"

Tsunade took in a deep, cleansing breath and then released it, (and her frustration,) in a long sigh. Naruto was still Naruto after all; and she didn't have time to school him on his behavior.

The beautiful woman crossed her arms under her impressive bust and looked down at the clueless gennin in her office with a hard stare. There was little time, and much to be said.

"Naruto." Her voice was stern; she wanted no foolishness from him today. This was too important for that. "You're leaving with Jiraiya in a few, short hours. And I have something to say to you before you go. Sit down."

The boy's eyes opened, the vibrant blue color shinning in the mid-day light from her windows; he was confused, but had sensed her attitude and was reacting accordingly. "Okay, Baachan." He answered simply before taking a seat.

Another deep breath was taken; (in and out,) before she started.

"You aspire to be Hokage someday." It was a statement, not a question. "So, as a future Hokage candidate there are some things you must understand…"

Here the busty blond paused long enough to lean back against her desk, her manicured fingernails tapping against the wood uncomfortably. She was slightly relived to see he really was paying attention; Naruto was undisciplined and rather slow, but when it came to his life's ambition he could be as serious as any shinobi she had ever known.

"The Hokage is the pillar-the support of the entire village. It isn't a position given to just anyone, obviously. A shinobi must be strong in body, mind, and heart to earn such a position; as Godaime it is my responsibility to gauge the younger generation. I will not be succeeded by someone unworthy."

She looked at him to make sure he was with her so far. The young jinchuuriki's face was serious, his gaze intense, and he nodded to show he understood. Good…

"There are a lot of requirements, naturally…a Hokage can not be someone with unsavory habits, or an unstable personality. If even one unsuitable person was allowed into that position the whole village would suffer."

Tsunade breathed deeply again. There was no avoiding it, she would have to take the plunge and just hope that he understood the urgency.

"While you're out there, in the world…you're going to see and experience a lot of things Naruto. Some may be bad, and you will find yourself disappointed or disgusted. Some may be good, you will learn more about how to serve the people you want to protect…"

She released a very soft sigh.

"And some," Closing her eyes the slug princess shook her head. "Will be experiences that you won't know how to categorize. Painful things may actually be good for you, and some things that may seem pleasant…will only destroy you."

She looked at the gennin again; Naruto's brows were furrowed as he struggled to take it all in. He was naïve, (and in some ways he was even stupid,) he wouldn't understand the whole of what she was telling him until he had experienced some of it for himself.

The medic repressed a shiver at the thought; he was a brat most of the time, but she did care for him, and didn't want him to experience such things…but that was why she was doing this. To prepare him for the rough road ahead.

"Additionally," Her lips pursed briefly at the of thought his teacher and her tone soured a little. "You're going to be with someone who can't help you. He's already so lost he wouldn't be able to tell you which way was up, and which was down."

Naruto's confusion was back but Tsunade ignored it and hurried on.

"I've known him for a very long time, Naruto, so I know what I'm talking about. Jiraiya will teach you about being a shinobi, and he will teach you to be strong…but he's also capable of destroying your goal to become Hokage, without even meaning to."

Now the boy looked slightly alarmed. Again, she felt this was a good thing. The more aware of the danger he was, the better the chance that he wouldn't fall prey to the toad sennin's ways.

"I know him." She reiterated. "And I know that he's going to try to sway you to his way of thinking eventually…I can't allow that." She fixed him with a hard glare. "Which is why I'm telling you this now. If I let you leave now, unprepared, then I'll be just as guilty as he is."

"Baachan…what..?"

She let out a sigh through her nose and ignored him again. Her eyes continued to watch his face, gauging his reaction; he had already spent a month in Jiraiya's company…if even a seed of that evil had already taken root in the boy she would beat it out of him mercilessly.

"I don't want you to have a warped perception-which you will have if I don't explain it first. So, even if you don't want to listen, you must." Silently the Hokage demanded he pay serious attention to her every word; she needed to be sure he understood it all. "And after I'm done explaining, I'm going to ask you questions to make sure you were listening, got it?"

Naruto's face was a play of emotions; he was confused, but also curious…uncertain, (because he hadn't yet learned to categorize the toad sage as a threat,) yet determined. The gennin nodded firmly. "Got it!" He slapped a hand against his chest for emphasis. "Don't worry, Baachan! I won't let you down!"

Feeling relieved again Tsunade rewarded him with a rare smile. "I know you won't, gaki." She murmured affectionately.

With that settled the legendary sennin shifted into a more comfortable position on her desk. "Now then," She began her lecture. "When a man and a woman have deep feelings for each other-"

"H-hey!" The boy interrupted before she had even gotten started. "Hey, wait a minute! W…What is it that you're gonna tell me about..?" His tone had the slightest hint of anxiety in it; it was as she feared. He might already be infected from his time with her former teammate.

Amber eyes hardened even more and she glared at the gennin severely. "Naruto," Her tone was icy. "I am going to teach you the facts of life…before that idiot who calls himself a teacher can twist your mind!" She pointed one finger at the gawking boy. "I will not let you grow up to have a warped and perverted mind, like that idiot!"

The young jinchuuriki stared at her for a moment longer, his jaw open and hanging because he was too shocked to close it. Then it seemed like he realized she was absolutely serious because the dark blue eyes widened in panic and his mouth snapped shut with an audible sound.

He began shaking his head, raising his hands in front of him and waving them at the same time to add emphasis. "Hold it! J-just hold it right there! I…" His face was beginning to redden. "I…You don't have to tell me about something like that! I-I," He stuttered and his voice lowered in embarrassment. "I um…I already know about…you know, how babies are made and everything…"

So Jiraiya had already made his move, had he? That didn't matter to the busty blond in the slightest; she would straighten her future successor out, and make sure he wouldn't ever even think about taking up his master's perverted ways.

The boy was beginning to panic more as it became apparent this wasn't an issue she was going to let slide. He choked and stuttered a minute longer and then, (she could see the plan forming behind his eyes,) he proved himself to be Jiraiya's pupil…he tried to run away.

Tsunade caught him before he had made it half-way across the room; with one high-heeled foot the Hokage tripped the boy up, grabbing his arm and swinging him around in the same movement, and shoved him back. He landed on the couch face first and when he lifted his head again it was to find the slug princess standing over him with the most frightening look on her face.

"I don't think so gaki," She said, her tone ominous. "Whatever you think you've learned, you'd better unlearn it quick, because I am going to teach you, whether you like it or not! I will not allow a pervert to become the next Hokage!"

The blond clutched the couch under him for support and realized…he was not going to get away.


Citizens and shinobi alike paused in the middle of their afternoon chores; the bright sunlight shone down on the peaceful village but was ignored, as were the merrily chirping birds. No, everyone within a six block radius of the Hokage's tower paused in one minute of confusion as a young boy's voice rent the air.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


"And then!" He continued his story in an anguished tone. "She explained it all to me in detail! She even asked me questions, and I had to answer her! It was…" The blond trailed off, but his shudder revealed the extent of his trauma.

Across the fire the toad sennin roared with laughter at his student's expense.

Naruto glared at the older shinobi balefully. It was so not funny, believe it! But the white haired man seemed to think it was the funniest thing in the world; he was slapping his knee repeatedly and had been laughing so hard that now he was practically gasping for air.

"S-so," He choked down another giggle. "So then…Tsunade laid it all out for you, did she?" His lips actually quivered as he tried, (and failed,) to repress his grin. "Well, she's a medical ninja, so you can expect her to know her stuff."

Seeing his student's glare he couldn't help himself; the sage burst back into laughter. By the time he had finally gotten a hold of himself he had to wipe his face and streaming eyes of delighted tears. "Ha ha ha…Man, hime!" He said, as if the absent woman could hear him. "You didn't have to go that far! I wasn't going to corrupt him!"

Naruto had hunched in on himself against the log he was leaning on, but his vibrant blue eyes almost shone in the dark as he sent his teacher another glare. "It's all your fault, ero-sennin! If you weren't such a pervert Tsunade-baachan wouldn't have…wouldn't have…" It seemed he couldn't even bring himself to say it-so Jiraiya did it for him.

Grinning widely the renowned pervert "helped" his suffering student. "Wouldn't have given you "The Talk?" And was rewarded with a thrown rock, (which he dodged easily.)

Snickering again the older shinobi wiped one last tear off his cheek before looking at the sulking boy.

The amusement faded into affection; what a petulant child he had landed with! But, (at the same time,) the legendary seninn supposed it wasn't that bad. Naruto may be mortified now, but he'd forget it in time…until Jiraiya brought it up to tease him again, of course.

The toad sage cleared his throat to disguise another snicker. He should probably just let it rest as it was…his student was going to be surly enough for a while. But even though it would be wiser to let it go, he just couldn't do it. Naruto was so different from Minato-but the little pouts were almost identical, and he couldn't help it if the kid reminded him of his lost student, could he?

"But yeah…I feel for Tsunade." He said in a soft voice that was designed to carry over their fire. "Just thinking about what she had to go through to teach someone like you the facts of life…"

Naruto twitched but didn't lift his head from where it was resting against his arms.

"It must have given her a headache at least. You're such a slow learner…"

The spiky blond head shifted enough that Jiraiya could see the two points of dark blue glaring daggers at him. He ignored it with a smile.

"And after all that…" He sighed mockingly. "She still missed so much!"

The boy's petulant air shifted into confused; undoubtedly he thought the slug princess had been more thorough with her explanation then he had ever wanted. Unconsciously the young jinchuuriki was searching his mind, trying to figure out what she had "missed."

It was all too perfect.

Resting his arm back against his own log the white haired shinobi gave his pupil a relaxed grin. "Now then gaki, let me tell you about the real facts of life!"

Naruto's glare melted into a look of horror. Jiraiya could see the shifting emotions on his face; from shocked to incredulous, until it finally settled on despair. "You've gotta be kidding me!" The boy shouted.

Fighting down the laughter that wanted to bubble up in his throat again the toad sage shook his head casually. "Well, where do we begin?" His student's eyes went wide with panic, and Jiraiya could clearly read the thought crossing his mind.

'Not again!'


It was deep in one of the many forests of the fire nation; the night was still and peaceful, and nocturnal animals were getting ready to go out and about for their nightly business. Far off in the distance the spark of a campfire could be seen, guttering and flickering as if it was a candle. It was from that direction that a sound was heard that startled the night creatures into one minute of absolute stillness, frozen until the sound was over.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


AN: Again, I don't know where the idea for this one came from, (I found it on my laptop and was like, "I don't remember writing this! xD") but it gave me the kicks and giggles so I decided to share. Re-reading it I realize I was trying to show how serious Tsunade was about giving him "the talk" without actually letting on that was what the conversation was about, but I don't know if I did a good job. Input please? Kthnxbai :P