Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.
I hissed as I cleaned my wounds with a wet cloth. Deep cuts, bruises and scars were an aching proof of the abuse I had been going through in the past months.
Or rather, in the past two years.
After I finished dressing my wounds, I went to the living room of our penthouse. Yes, our penthouse. I live here with my boyfriend Gin, who is currently at a bar. He's the reason I'm covered in bruises and cuts.
I sat down to the couch and flipped the TV open. Few minutes later my phone rings. It's Hinamori. She's been my friend since grade school and she knows the truth about my scars. Ever since I told her two years ago, she's been trying to talk me out of my relationship with Gin. That's the reason she's calling me now. And, as usual, I tell her that I don't want to leave.
It's a lie.
The truth is that I can't leave. I want to get out of this relationship, but I can't because I love Gin too much.
Sounds crazy, doesn't it? He hurts me every day, and yet I can't hate him for it. I can't hate him even though I know he's cheating on me. Yeah, that's right, he's cheating on me, I know it, and I'm still staying with him.
I speak with Hinamori for a while, just chatting about everyday stuff. I hear the door open and close again; Gin's home. He walks to the living room and I end the call. He walks to me with the usual creepy grin on his face.
"Who were you talking to?" he asks me.
"Hinamori." I tell him. The smirk on his face disappears and the next thing I know he's lifting me up from the couch, grabbing the collar of my black t-shirt. He punches me and I hit the floor with a loud thud.
"Why were you talking to that bitch? You were planning your next meeting, weren't you?" he yells. I get up from the floor, my ocean blue eyes flaring with anger.
"Don't call her that, Hinamori is not a bitch! And unlike you, I don't cheat on my partners!" I yell back at him. He slaps me on the cheek, leaving an angry red mark.
I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like.
And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe.
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight.
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight.
High of a love, drunk from my hate
It's like I'm huffing paint and I love it the more that I suffer
I suffocate and right before I'm about to drown
She resuscitates me, she fucking hates me and I love it
Wait, where you going! I'm leaving you.
No you ain't. Come back! We're running right back.
Here we go again, it's so insane
Cause when it's going good, it's going great.
I'm Superman, with the wind at his back.
She's Lois Lane, but when it's bad
It's awful, I feel so ashamed.
I snap, who's that dude?
I don't even know his name. I laid hands on her.
I'll never stoop so low again.
I guess I don't know my own strength.
I stare at him, anger written all over my face. I turn on my heels and run to the bedroom. I take my suitcase from the closet and start packing my stuff. A moment later I go to the entrance hall. Gin comes there too.
"Where you goin' babe?"
"I'm leaving you."
A moment of silence. I take my jacket and start putting it on. Gin grabs my wrist.
"No you ain't." he says and pulls me back to the living room. I try to fight him, but in vain. But that's no surprise, since I'm so much smaller than him. He pushes me to the couch and lets go of my wrist. I slap him and get up from the couch. Gin gets onto his knees in front of me and begs me to stay. I can see the tears forming in his eyes. After twenty minutes of pleading, I finally give in and decide to stay.
This is our routine. This happens at least once a week. After the first three times of repeating this, I realized that I didn't want to leave. Even now, he's cheating on me, he beats me up every day, I still love him. He pulls me close and kisses me deeply. I feel disgusted; he tastes like old beer. When we part, he gently pats my cheek and smiles at me
"Let's go to bed."
The next day, Gin came home from work early and told me to get changed. I did, and he took me to a nice restaurant. The waiter showed us to our table and took our drink orders. When he left, an awkward silence fell in between me and Gin. I knew this was his way of apologizing, but even so the atmosphere was awkward. I figured it's because Gin doesn't remember how to show affection like this anymore. After a few moments, he reaches his hand and starts playing with my snow-white hair before opening his mouth to speak.
"Listen, Shiro-baby, I'm really sorry. I really am. I know I've been treating you badly and I'm ashamed of everything I've done to you in the past two years. But I promise, I'll never hurt you like that agai…"
He never managed to finish that sentence. The waiter came back with our drinks and took our food orders. Everything would've been just fine if that waiter had just done his job without any side comments.
"You sure you don't want anything else gorgeous?" The waiter asked and winked to me. I told him to fuck off as politely as I could, but it was too late. From the corner of my eye, I saw the smirk on Gins face disappear. He was glaring the waiter murderously.
The rest of the dinner was silent. Neither one of us said anything. When we got back to our apartment, the second we walked through the door, I was thrown violently to the ground. I felt Gin kick me to the stomach and I gasped trying to get air into my lungs.
"Who was that guy?" Gin yelled. His usually closed eyes were now open, showing his blood-red irises. I was starting to get scared.
"I don't know, I've never seen him before in my life!" I yelled back as soon as I got enough air to my lungs. Gin growled and grabbed my hair, pulling me up. I yelped; it hurt like hell.
"Don't lie to me! If you don't know him, then why did he wink to you? "
"I don't know! Gin, please, let go! You're hurting me!" I screamed. I could feel tufts of hair being ripped off of my scalp. I could feel the blood running down my neck, staining my pure white hair, dying it red. Apparently Gin noticed it too, and let me go. I fell helplessly to the floor.
You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe when you're with them?
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit 'em?
Got that warm fuzzy feeling? Yeah them chills, used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick of looking at 'em.
You swore you've never hit 'em, never do nothing to hurt 'em.
Now you're in each other's face, spewing venom in these words when you spit 'em.
You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bite 'em, throw 'em down, pin 'em.
So lost in the moments when you're in 'em.
It's the rage that took over, it controls you both.
So they say it's best to go your separate ways.
Guess that they don't know ya, 'cause today, that was yesterday.
Yesterday is over, it's a different day.
Sound like broken records playin' over.
But you promised her next time you'll show restraint.
You don't get another chance, life is no Nintendo game.
But you lied again, now you get to watch her leave
Out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane.
Gin just stood there for a while, watching me lay on the wooden floor of the entrance hall. Then he turned on his heels and walked out of the door, probably going to the bar again. I stayed on the floor for a few moments before getting up and realizing I was crying. Big, salty tears were running down my face and falling to the floor. I tried to wipe them away, but the tears just kept coming. I sat there, sobbing and thinking about how happy I had been when I first started dating Gin. He had been so sweet, so kind and so caring. He had always been there for me. I remembered the past two years. All of the beatings and hateful, angry words came flooding back to me. I started crying even harder. That's when I realized something. Even if I did hate Gin, I couldn't live without him. But I couldn't take anymore beatings. I stood up from my spot on the floor and ran out of our apartment. I ran, crying for so long that in the end, I couldn't even feel my legs. When I finally stopped, I was standing on one of the many bridges of my hometown. I stood there, staring into the dark water. I climbed to the railing and closed my eyes.
"I love you Gin." I whispered before jumping to the darkness.
I woke up early in the morning with a pounding headache. Thank god I didn't have to go to work today. I sat up on the bed I was lying and looked at the person sleeping next to me. My lover looked so peaceful when he was asleep.
'Lover…' the word started ringing in my head and I remembered everything that had happened last night.
'God, I really fucked up…' I thought, remembering how Toshiro had looked at me. He had looked like I was the monster of his worst nightmares. I sighed and got up from the bed. After taking a shower I sat down to the couch and flipped the TV open just in time for the morning news. My stomach made a full flip when I saw who was in the news.
It was Toshiro. Very pale Toshiro, getting lifted to the ambulance. His lips were blue and even on TV it was obvious that he was barely breathing.
"The victim has been identified as Toshiro Hitsugaya. According to the paramedics, he made an attempt of suicide, but they weren't sure. They also found many other wounds on his body that indicate that the victim was being abused. He will now be taken to the Central hospital…"
I jumped up from the sofa, grabbed my stuff and ran out of the door. I ran all the way to the hospital. Once I got there, it took me tem minutes to find out where Toshiro was. When I finally found the room he was in, I ran into the doctor in charge of him. He told me that if he doesn't wake up in the next 12 hours, he will go into coma. I felt tears forming in my eyes. The doctor placed a hand to my shoulder.
"I'm very sorry. We did everything we could." he told me. I shook my head.
"Don't say you're sorry, it's thanks to you he's even alive." I said to him. He gave me a small smile before letting me into Toshiro's room. I sat down to a chair that was placed next to his bed. I moved a few stray hairs from his face. He looked so pale, so weak and so hurt when he lay there, his eyelids covering his gorgeous ice blue eyes. I took his hand in mine and kissed it.
"Please baby, wake up. I promise I will never hurt you again. I'll tell my lover to get out of my life; I'll make everything up to you. Just please wake up Shiro-baby…"
Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine.
But your temper's just as bad as mine is, you're the same as me.
But when it comes to love you're just as blinded.
Baby, please come back, it wasn't you, baby, it was me.
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems.
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano.
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though.
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk.
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk!
Told you this is my fault! Look me in the eyeball!
Next time I'm pissed I'll aim my fist at the dry wall!
Next time, there will be no next time.
I apologize even though I know it's lies.
I'm tired of the games, I just want her back.
I know I'm a liar.
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed and set the house on fire!
I sat there for hours, just crying and holding the hand of the only person who has ever truly loved me. The only person I ever truly loved. I kissed Toshiros hand.
"Please baby, I'm begging you, please wake up. I promise I'll never do anything to hurt you ever again, just…"
"I would love to see that happen."
The sudden voice surprised me so badly I fell off of the chair I was sitting on. When I got up from the floor, I saw two beautiful blue orbs looking at me. Tears started running down my face when I realized that he was finally awake. I pulled him into a hug and sobbed onto his shoulder. For a while, the only sound in the room was my sobs.
"Gin, you're hurting me…" Toshiro whimpered. I immediately let him go from the hug, but I still held onto his hand. I ran my hand through his beautiful white hair.
"Don't you ever, ever, do something like this to me again." I said to him. He gave me a weak smile.
"Only if you promise not to make me think about killing myself again." he said, laying back on the bed. I sat down to the bed next to him and started playing with his hair. My gaze moved up and down his body, and I saw all the wounds he had. The wounds I had given him. I opened my mouth to speak, but Toshiro placed a finger to my lips.
"Don't say anything. I know you're sorry. Or at least I hope you are." he added, avoiding my gaze. We sat there in silence until the doctor came into the room and asked me to leave so that he could check Toshiro for any internal damage. I got up from the bed and walked to the hallway. Once there, I couldn't hold my tears back anymore.
'All those bruises and cuts… I made them. I'm the reason he's in hospital bed right now.'
Thoughts were running through my head. I had to sit down to one of the plastic chairs in the hallway. I placed rested my head on my palms.
"What have I done…?" I whispered, tears running down my face.
I watched Gin as he walked out of the room. I felt tears forming in my eyes. I wanted to believe everything he told me, but I just couldn't. Not after all that he's done to me. The doctor looked at me without saying anything before starting the checkup. When he was done, he looked me in the eyes.
"The man who's waiting outside, is he the one who made these?" he asked, gesturing to my wounds. I stared at my lap and gave a small nod. The doctor sighed.
"What is your relationship with him?"
That question caught me off guard. What exactly was my relationship with Gin? Was he my boyfriend, my lover or just my abusive roommate? I thought about the question for a while before answering.
"He's the person I love." I said quietly. The doctor looked at me and placed a hand to my shoulder.
"How long has he been abusing you?" he asked me, looking right into my eyes. I turned my eyes back to my lap and muttered "Two years…" The doctor looked shocked and leaned back on his seat. He took a deep breath but didn't say anything at first.
"My patients' relationships are none of my business, but still I think it would be wise you left him." he said and I shook my head to say no. The doctor looked at me with worry in his eyes before getting up. Just as he was about to open the door, he looked over his shoulder.
"Just think about it." With that he left. I sat there in silence, thinking about me and Gin. Our relationship was somewhat ridiculous. Neither one of wanted to leave the other, but at the same time, all we ever did was fight over stupid things. I think Dane Cook would call them "Nothing fights". I was woken up from my thoughts when Gin walked back into the room. We just stared at each other. Then Gin walked to me and sat down to the bed.
"The doctor told me that you'll be getting out of here in two days." he told me matter-of-factly. I just nodded. Gin turned around so that he was facing me. He played with my hair. I couldn't help myself; I let out a happy sigh and relaxed, sinking into my pillow. I always loved how Gin played with my hair, it always made me relax.
"My lover called." he suddenly told me. I opened my eyes and looked at him.
"I told him that he will never see me again." he said and smiled to me. Not the usual creepy grin, but a real, honest smile. I couldn't help but smile a little myself.
"I know that I have a lot to make up to you, and I won't blame you if you want to leave me now. Because if you do, I won't stop you." he said. I could easily hear that he was holding back tears. I took his hand in mine. He looked at me and I could see the tears falling from his eyes.
"I won't leave you. I love you too much to do that. But you're right, you have a lot to make up." I said, smirking a little. He looked at me with his eyes wide and mouth hanging open.
"You're not gonna leave me?" he asked, baffled. I nodded and he pulled me into a huge hug. "Thank you, I promise you won't regret it. I promise I will never hurt you again." he said, still holding me in his arms. I couldn't help but giggle. He pulled away and looked at me with a puzzled look.
"That's a lie. I know that you will hurt me somehow, at some point." I said to him. "But, I guess that's fine. I love the way you lie." I said and pulled him into a loving kiss.
Me: Wow… that was…
Me: Both actually…
Gin: That aside, where is my lemon?
Me: Next chapter baby, this is a two-shot. And I promise you, it will be HOT~!
Toshiro: *Tries to escape from the backdoor*
Lambtron: Oh no you don't! I WANT A LEMON! *jumps on Toshiro and ties him to the stairs*
Me: I'm gonna go and write the lemon now, REVIEW AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!