Howdy... Again :)
So, I thought, while living and all... that I'd start a Fanfiction based on many aspects... Mainly my life :P Because I'm that cool... But I'll include songs as well, for titles. So I disclaim owning them, and Merlin, unfortunately. This story will also contain MANY references to 'One Day' by David Nicholls. So... have fun.
The Story Of Us
Chapter 1 – The Way You Look At Me
Friday 5th September 2003
The rain was falling upon the crying window as Merlin looked out into the heart of the world through the aging glass that held years of yearning. Outside was dull with water, as if the world was weeping. He had a vague, and by that a very clear vision of what would happen these next school years: hard-work, boredom and annoying teenagers who think their problems are dire. It was pointless anyway, going to school just on a Friday so the younger years can 'settle in'.
Merlin always wished that his life could be something more; he knew he was only eighteen but at eighteen you start to think if this is really it... Would he ever pass through school? Would he ever be able to control his magic? Would anyone rescue him?
He didn't believe he was ready for the day; this paranoid pain coming back again as he moved his eyes heavily to the picture of his fifteen year old self his mother had insisted on keeping because he looked 'cute'...
Oh how he hated his face. He wished that he could just get a pencil and rub his face out, start again, maybe that would work; create a face that didn't scream disappointment and a failure waiting to happen.
He returned to looking outside his window, finding people walking past, some in a hurry, some just relaxed and content...These people all outside, behind the window's silver line, they had all their lies; just like Merlin. But he could break these chains. Hopefully. It was so much effort though, having to contain who he was when he could just fly away, and with any luck he could... but unfortunately, it was a definite, maybe, for the time being. Of course, he wondered what it would be like if everyone had magic, of course he did. Not in the 'I'm such a freak' longing way... but in that sort of curiousity one gets when thinking alone. He wondered if life would be any different and came to the conclusion that it would indeed – he wouldn't be special and 'being himself' wouldn't be true anymore. But still, he did think it would be nice if he could do something without fear of being discovered or having to explain himself desperately after a vase broke or after there was a bright azure light.
And he did hope, oh how he did, with such a vehement promise to himself that when the wind blew, blew with such a breeze that someone would get goose bumps or be forced to remember a passed loved one and cry silently – he would go, and he would release himself from the liability of living here. He could think of brighter days, when he was young and didn't fully understand everything going on about him and his magic and life in general. They were golden in a way, because although he knew nothing of heartbreak or sadness, of love or yearning, he was free – and that is what he craved so dearly now. He laughed to himself with a slight smile as if hiding something, scared to show his straight teeth even in private, the type of laugh one does when faced with an improbable predicament. Words were never this grey, and he wondered when he had been all the 'selves': self-righteous, self-loathing... and yet never self-confident.
He'd walk the path, and deal justice to all the guilty ones in his life someday, prices would be paid and there might be screams of pain or sighs of joy, he hadn't decided yet. But even if he could, he was too young to decide if that's what he wanted. He didn't know anymore, about life, or the entrapment his magic gave him... or of his best friend, and he didn't know how to know. Merlin grimaced then, wondering when it was exactly he had chosen to fall for his best friend... or even if he had a choice in the first place.
He was afraid, afraid that even after all this time and growing up together – that the one person he truly cared for might throw all this back in his face and tell him that he was a monster... Merlin believed and knew he couldn't handle that.
He pined for when times change, so one day he may forget everyone and fly in the sky, free.
That's what he'd do: he'd fly away one day. Merlin liked to think that he follows the night in a way, never truly revealing all his secrets and always in one way or another hiding. He couldn't stand the light of day, how it brought such clarity and it was now he realised that it made him feel vulnerable.
And it was now... that he looked to the fat, grey water droplets sliding, weeping down the fragile window, and questioned when his life would begin. When would Merlin probably 'live' life? One day... One day he would fly away, he thought to himself, confirming his previous notions, and leave all of this to yesterday.
What more could his best friend's love do for him? He was trapped within the knowledge that they had both constructed such an amazing bond between them, even now, despite the rain, he smiled to himself thinking of their funny days and happy days and now if one looked, they'd find that Merlin was indeed showing a goofy, toothy grin now. His body was filled with sudden warmth, pulsed from the left side of his chest, but he was still somewhat sad. He wondered when love would be through with him, because it was most distracting when your best friend is talking and making surprisingly sweet remarks when you're wondering if they'd mind you kissing them... or at least giving a more than tender hug. Merlin then smacked himself mentally to pull himself from those dangerous thoughts. But why live life from dream to dream... Yes, it was all well and nice to believe that they could be together one day... but what were the chances of it ever happening? Merlin was dirt poor compared to someone of his friend's background and wealth. They had their own estate and he even had a title for god's sake, plus the fact that they are both men... it was as if Merlin and his friend couldn't have more to separate them...
Why live life from dream to dream? Then dread the day when dreaming ends...
He let the abandoned pen slip through his fingertips as a silent tear fell from his high cheekbones from an almost expressionless face, tight with not wanting to break... and decided that when sad, trying to write a poem about it didn't help the matter.
He trudged through the rain as he started to clear, the moaning clouds breaking as the beautiful sun shone its brilliance as if an amber diamond suspended on a grey satin. He looked forward, and he grinned to himself once more, as he looked to find a most handsome face, beaming towards him to reveal slightly crocked teeth; that he had waited for him, despite his ten minutes being late...
Arthur Pendragon, his best friend, though he'd be the last to admit it. Out loud at least. Or maybe that was just how Merlin felt sometimes.
Arthur Pendragon, he thought to himself. Merlin peered up at him through what he had of a fringe despite them being the same height. With his open sky-blue sapphire eyes sparkling with plump lips, a shade of crimson and full; sun-kissed skin and golden silk for hair, the dawning light warming the right side of his face – Arthur Pendragon had a knack for looking perpetually posed for a photograph. Merlin Emrys thought 'handsome' a silly, nineteenth-century word, but there really was no other word for it, except perhaps 'beautiful'. He had one of those faces where you were aware of bones beneath the skin, as if even his bare skull would be attractive. A straight nose, slightly shiny with water, and bulging pectorals and biceps, combined with a most mouth-watering set of abs and stomach muscles, even for an eighteen year old, could be seen due to the water sticking his skin to his shirt. 'Handsome'! Who do you think you are? Jane Eyre? Grow up. Be sensible. Don't get carried away. But Merlin's heart and head stood firm with the knowledge that... yes, Arthur Pendragon was indeed 'handsome' and even 'beautiful' when put in the right light.
'Howdy Em' Arthur joked with that radiate, teasing smile and Merlin thought that maybe love was a bad idea for the world, for it hurt a bit too much. But Merlin loved it when Arthur called him 'Em', he found the need to call Merlin as such from finding out his surname when they were younger and decided that Merlin actually had a lot of 'Ems'. So, whenever Arthur called him by this... Merlin felt as if their relationship was all the more personal, as if they got closer somehow.
'Hello Yourself Arty' he bantered back, and looked almost self-conscious. He thought he wasn't the greatest to look at compared to an Adonis like Arthur. Merlin had bright ocean-blue eyes with midnight black hair that set his high cheekbones and snow like skin in such stunning contrast. His lips were a shade too dark he thought, a deep pink, with a slight dimple in the middle of his upper lip, however both were slightly dry and chapped despite the rain, or maybe because of it. He had no such obvious muscle as Arthur; however he did possess some hidden potential. He was skinny and didn't have such broad shoulders as Arthur, but he did win in flexibility.
He and Arthur had been friends for a long time now; Merlin couldn't even remember his life without him. Most of the time they could be seen playfully arguing but recently things suddenly got more serious.
'You're late. What took you so long?' Although Arthur's words may seem slightly demanding at first glance, he was smiling with a cheek he almost always possessed with Merlin, and usually it was the other way round.
'I was thinking...' He couldn't lie to Arthur, but then again, he couldn't tell him the truth... Or was that lying?
'You shouldn't do that Merlin, we know how bad it is for you, and you made us late'
'It wasn't my fault'
Arthur stopped here, and looked into Merlin's eyes, as if he was calculating something, observing even. His playful features fell and were replaced with what was so similar to affection and deep concern.
'Are you alright Merlin?' He felt the intense gaze of Arthur in his eyes and it was as if Arthur was searching for something. But what really caught Merlin off guard was how Arthur then stepped slowly closer and placed a hand upon his right shoulder, the contact gentle and some may say 'tender'.
'Merlin?' He felt as if he was being interrogated sweetly. Merlin started to absentmindedly play with his fingers, looking down for a moment and trying to will the urge to pull Arthur into a hug... The power of Arthur's hand upon his shoulder such a blissful weight. But instead of telling Arthur the whole truth, after Arthur stepped closer towards him still, until they were practically flush against each other, Merlin panicked, the overwhelming closeness and his feelings mixing to form such a warmth and shaking euphoria.
'I'm fine Arthur, why would I be any different?' Merlin didn't realise how his breath hitched.
Arthur paused then, as if thinking of what to say next... as if it would change them in a way.
'Well' He started 'You can be a hormonal girl sometimes, Em'
With a slight chuckle to himself after having Merlin pout somewhat with an adorable, childish frown, Arthur took it upon himself to punch Merlin playfully in the arm and start their walk to school along roads that were grey with bitumen but made up for it with chocolate trees that showered emerald leaves, so vivid one might believe that an oak truly could be an evergreen, or had been imported from an enchanted forest.
Merlin was distracted however, for the warmth and pressure on his arm had not yet subsided... and it took him a moment to catch his breath. It was as if he was walking on a river of ice: felt relatively safe most of the time, and yet there was this constant threat of the ground beneath his feet about to crack like broken glass. He made himself sigh the tension out of his chest, tried to control the ache in his heart, and strode on to catch up to Arthur.
Merlin decided the rest of his life was not going to be fun...
And yet he missed it, Merlin spoke of love and romance, yet was so caught up in his feelings that he missed the way in which Arthur's eyes had glinted something more, possibly, and the way that when Arthur spoke to him, it was with such intensity, always, as if Merlin was the only person he could see.
This story will probably be about... 9-10 chapters? Maybe... so yeah, let me know what you think, whether you think its good or TOTALLY TERRIBLE!