A/N: Because I really needed to write something that isn't depressing. :) This is one hundred percent angst-free and completely removed from the current run of events.
The title is taken from the lyrics of a song called "Everything You Do" by He Is We.
Spoilers: None, really.
Disclaimer: While I think it'd be hilarious if they did this on the show, I must confess that I lack the genius and the means to own Castle. That right goes to Andrew Marlowe and ABC Studios.
OOEY GOOEY SO ROMANTIC
If ever there was a sign of the coming apocalypse, thought Detective Kevin Ryan, this might just be it.
That, or he really needed a hearing aid because he was pretty darn certain that Beckett just called Castle "babe" and she wasn't being sarcastic. In return, Castle dropped a "sweetheart" on her and not only did he escape with his life intact, Beckett smiled at him. Not the lips-pressed-together-because-you're-an-idiot-but-I'm-still-amused smile, but the I'm-so-besotted-I-can't-help-this-silly-grin-on-my-face smile.
Freakily enough, the free use of names wasn't even the weirdest thing to happen today.
No, today had been filled with sly touches and knowing glances interspersed with the odd caress here and there. There had even been a moment at Beckett's desk when Castle came up behind her to place a cup of coffee on her desk and in the process practically draped his body against her back. Instead of landing a good one on his solar plexus, Beckett had leaned in—leaned in—to brush a kiss against the writer's jawline.
If Ryan had ever been one of those unfortunate kids who'd accidentally witnessed his parents "in the act," he imagined it'd feel a crazy lot like this.
Very, very awkward and very, very uncomfortable.
He'd known for forever and a day that Castle and Beckett were meant for each other but this was just ridiculous. He never would have thought that they were the type to induce gag reflex (that had been his realm and it was strange to have them usurp his position as the reigning king of mush), but there they were.
They were just so sickening sweet! Ryan now understood why Esposito gave him so much flak for when he talked with Jenny.
"How long do you think they're gonna be like this, bro? I'm not sure I can take much more of this," whispered Esposito, looking a lot greener than usual.
"Need some Dramamine?"
"Won't help. Nothing'll help until they stop doing—" Esposito paused when he spotted Castle and Beckett in the break room sharing Eskimo kisses and I'm-ridiculously-happy-even-though-there're-gruesome-pictures-of-a-murder-scene-on-the-board smiles, "—that."
Esposito and Ryan shared a look and shuddered.
"God, you don't think…they'll get stuck like that, do you?" Ryan asked hesitantly, not sure at all if he actually wanted to hear the answer in case it was a yes.
"Hell no! Beckett will snap out of it." Esposito grimaced when she tugged her lower lip between her teeth and smiled slyly at Castle. "Soon. Eventually. Jeez, she needed to snap out of this yesterday!"
"Seriously. Where's Iron Gates when you need her? I bet they wouldn't try to pull this stuff with her around."
"Downtown meeting with the 1PP. Won't be back until later this afternoon."
"Shit, you mean we have to put up with this until then?"
"Hope for a dead body, bro. At least that'll give us some reprieve."
Ryan prayed hard for a call.
Lanie liked her romances. Rom coms were her guilty pleasure, along with romantic tragedies, contemporary romances, historical romances, paranormal romances (complete with the fangs), fantasy romances, hell, even Harlequin paperbacks. You name it, she inhaled it, regardless of media format.
She looooved her romances.
What she wasn't loving so much was this.
"You're telling me they've been like this all day?" she muttered under her breath to Javi while wearing what probably looked like a very good impression of a fish gone bad. She just couldn't seem to shut her gaping jaw.
"'Fraid so," replied her ex.
"It just…seems so wrong."
"I know. You'd think that Beckett would be allergic to any PDA, never mind the extreme kind that they've got going on here."
"The PDA, I don't mind in small doses. I mean, aren't they just the most adorable couple?" Esposito lifted an incredulous eyebrow at her. "Well, they are."
"Sure, just not when they're doing 'adorable' in front of me."
Lanie leveled a look at him and he shrugged. She rolled her eyes. "It's just…This is one of those bodies where Castle is bound to stick his foot in his mouth, and not once has Beckett so much as rolled her eyes at him. And the fact that they're holding hands while examining a dead body is little weird. In a Twlight Zone kind of way."
"It's more than a little weird," interjected Ryan from behind Esposito. "It's downright creepy."
"So says 'Honeymilk,'" retorted Esposito.
"Man, I'm never gonna live that down, am I?"
"No," chorused the former couple with such synchronicity that made Ryan wish that Jenny was here. At least then he wouldn't feel like a fifth wheel.
Speaking of Jenny…
Ryan turned to question his partner. "Why do you seem to react so much worse with Beckett and Castle than with me and Jenny?"
"With you it's expected 'cause you're such a sap, and Castle being a not-so-closet sap is no surprise either, but dude, it's Beckett. It's just not right, I tell you. Some things need to remain sacred, and that—" he gesticulated wildly at the obliviously in love and not afraid to show it couple now questioning some witnesses at the scene "—that is breaking all kinds of lines-thou-shalt-not-cross."
"Well I don't know about crossing lines, but somebody needs to tell them to dial it down when they're questioning witnesses. They look a little too happy for a grisly murder scene," said Lanie as she gathered her technicians to bring the body back to the OCME.
Ryan found his gaze wandering back to the detective and her writer and posited thoughtfully. "You know, we could probably just stick Beckett and Castle in the box with a suspect and freak him out into a confession."
Esposito rolled his eyes, but he couldn't help but agree that it would be an extremely effective method of torture.
The next morning, Beckett and Castle didn't even try to pretend that they'd arrived at the precinct separately.
Ryan didn't think it was possible, but they're even worse than they were yesterday. From the way Castle couldn't seem to stop grinning like the cat that caught the canary, and Beckett wouldn't stop flicking sultry glances at her partner/boyfriend(?), that could only mean that—
No! Stop! Bad mental image! Bad, bad!
Ryan shook his head, and he and Esposito volunteered for any and every part of the investigation that took them out of the station.
On the third day of what had rapidly become known as "Beckett gone bonkers," Ryan came into the station fully prepared for whatever he may encounter. He'd spent the night before drilling into his head the fact that it was good for Mom and Dad to show affection for each other because that usually translated into a loving and steady environment for the children.
He tried to convince himself that his old Psych 101 textbook from college knew what it was talking about.
He'd never been more relieved in his life to see Beckett and Castle bickering instead.
"Oh come on, Beckett. All the evidence points to the fact that our victim was a secret member of the drag queen society which his brother happened to also be a part of. The brother found out that the victim knew his secret and so he killed him and stripped him in an attempt to return him to the period of utmost innocence, when clothing did not define a person, and he could be freed from the constraints brought about by the whimsy of social constructs," Castle finished with a flourish and a wide grin.
Beckett raised a single brow before taking apart his theory with the precision of a well-practiced Castle-theory-dismantler. "First, there is no fact about that. That is a supposition. An unwarranted supposition, I might add. Second, there is no indication that the brother was a secret drag queen. Third, even if he was, your theory is built on conflicting motives: one is purely self-serving, and the other, a noble statement aimed at ridiculing society."
"Well maybe he was living—or, rather dying—vicariously through the victim?"
Beckett gave him that look and turned her attention back to the board. "Or maybe…"
Ryan didn't know what sparked the argument, but he thanked it, Castle's knack for wild theorizing, and Beckett's intolerance for idiocy.
They broke the case later that day.
(Castle was half-right: the victim really was part of a secret drag queen community, but it was the roommate, not the brother who murdered him. The motive was as simple as the fact that the roommate had thought the victim was his sister, but found out otherwise when they got to second base. The stripping of the body had been purely for humiliation because the roommate wanted the victim to be as humiliated as he had felt.)
Ryan and Esposito watched happily as Beckett and Castle argued the whole time he was putting on his jacket and then helping her put on her jacket. Their squabbling paused for a brief moment as they said their goodbyes to the male detectives and then resumed as if they hadn't missed a beat.
There never was a more beautiful sight.
"Are Beckett and Castle still here?" Gates asked as she stopped next to them.
Huh. This was the first time in days that Ryan had even seen a glimpse of their captain. The timing was quite…coincidental.
Ryan was just about to respond when Castle's sharp yelp and a strangled, "Apples! Apples!" floated over from the elevator.
Ryan winced. "Just leaving."
"I take it this means that they're done being obscenely gooey?"
"Uh, yeah. Back to normal."
"Good. I don't like having to escape my own precinct because they're being nauseating."
Ryan and Esposito turned in unison and gaped while Gates strode past their desks and into her office.
Damn. It did pay to be captain after all.
The two detectives looked at each other, shrugged, and silently thanked their lucky stars that that was all over.
"You think they're going home to have hot, wild make-up sex?"
A/N: This is basically me having fun and I think it would make for a hilarious episode if Andrew Marlowe and company to handle it this way when Caskett finally gets together. Use one episode to address it, make it super over the top mushy, and at the end of the episode, have them realize that that's not them and go back to their regular sniping relationship because honestly? We don't want them ooey gooey so romantic. We want them to be them.
Hope you had as much fun reading the semi-crack as much as I had writing it!