A/N: I don't own Hogan's Heroes, and I don't get paid for this; it is truly a labor of love.

Barnes contemplates the events of "Reservations Are Required".


So Davis and me, we're not the sharpest crayons in the box, not by a long shot. And I'm not real sure if Klink wasn't right when he said the Allies were scraping the bottom of the manpower barrel when they drafted us.

But jeez, can't we catch a break?

First there was that business with painting a bunch of gold bricks so they looked like regular type bricks, and painting a bunch of regular type bricks so they looked like gold bricks.

Davis strained his back hauling bricks and got laid up with lumbago for a week. And all those paint fumes made me dizzy. Davis says I'm always dizzy so how could I tell, but I could tell, all right.

Then there was the time when we were staging a fight in the compound as a diversion, and I ended up with a black eye. Davis swore he didn't mean to hit me so hard, but I gotta wonder.

Don't even ask what happens to all the chocolate I get in my Red Cross packages. Let's just say that if Schultz ever manages to lose weight, it ain't gonna be my fault.

And now Davis and me, we're sitting in the cooler, see, and I'm sneezing 'cause Colonel Hogan took a bucket of water and upended it over me. And why did the Colonel dump a bucket of water over me, you ask? Well, I'll tell you why—just so the Kommandant would think I was one of the guys who tried to sneak out in the water truck!

Davis is in the next cell and he got doused by the Colonel too, but he's not sneezing 'cause he's trying to show me up, the bum.

Me, I'll probably catch pneumonia, not that I'm complaining. Like the Colonel says, it's all for a good cause. And jeez, lots of guys go through worse than this when they're out there fighting, trying to serve their country and save the world for democracy and all that stuff.

But for once, just once, I'd like to be the guy who gets to dump the water on somebody else.