A/N: Okay so the Adventure genre is a joke but hey, you be the judge. Written a while ago. Now posting it here. I tried to make this little fic as close to their on-screen personalities as possible. Turned out to be one of my favorites. WARNING: Contains explicit imagery. (Just don't go googling anything after this, trust me. Don't do it.)
"Maura hey. Dammit! Hold on." Jane's barking, telling Maura to sit and stay from her end of the phone line.
Maura however is still a freakin puppy, oh so very green where friendships are concerned so she starts talking. "Ah Jane? What's going on? I really could use your assistance at the moment."
"What are you- come on! Why? Why why why-" Jane's phone is in her lap. Massachusetts is a hands-free driving state after all. The cowboy in her wants to throw a punch but she's learning when to just nod her head, take an Aleve (All Day Strong All Day Long!) and follow the law. Not as much can be said about where she parks her car.
"Oh. I shouldn't have asked." If Maura was mad mad she'd be louder and maybe Jane would hear her. There would be a discussion. But Maura is only hurt and it's only a little bit so she's quiet, classy. Besides Maura has bigger things to deal with right now, more specifically one rather large thing to deal with. Plus she's always been a believer of proof, solid fact and undeniable conclusions. And hanging up in Jane's face is pretty conclusional.
So she does.
Mornings like these are the only time Jane hates being a detective. If she was a patrol cop she'd flip her lights on and part the red sea of traffic. Instead she glances over her shoulder to try and locate the transportable lights she keeps there, the old smash it on your roof, light up, and take off approach but they're wedged under the passenger seat.
Even Jane's exquisite long bones can't reach them.
The lights would be in range if she used them more often but detective and sneaky-quiet tend to go hand in hand.
But as cranky as Jane is right now at the unusual amount of traffic between her apartment building and headquarters, Maura is her friend. And Jane likes Maura. As far as having a female best friend goes, Jane's pretty green too.
"Okay, sorry Maura. I'm back." Jane picks up the cell in one hand, the device open so she can hear Maura through the speakerphone. It's not completly hands-free but it's pretty damn close.
"Traffic is intense!" Per normal, Jane has completely missed the point. She spends several minutes relying the conditions of the road before noticing her phone is in fact disconnected and Maura is not indeed on the other line.
She hits her speed dial.
"I must have ended the call, sorry Maur. Traffic's a bitch."
Maura tends to get skittish when Jane hurts her feelings. She becomes this awkward combination of self-doubt and confusion. Still though more often that not she manages to pull out her own balls and get into it. And right now Jane is taking credit for her hang up. It's so like Jane to miss the intended message with flying colors.
And it is possible Jane was yelling at the traffic, though Maura sees no point in that particular Rizzoli ritual, and not her.
Besides it's too early to compare ball sizes so Maura goes back to being the lady.
"It's fine Jane."
"Are you at the coffee cart? I'll take my usual." Jane's personal traffic situation has shot her routine to hell but as Jane talks to Maura she assumes the pathologist is right on schedule which would put her with coffee, soon to be morgue. "Grab one of those cinnamon things too if they have them."
Maura fights the urge to give the cinnamon scone its proper name. "I'm in the parking garage Jane." She gets distracted for a moment, her voice trailing off as she stares at her problem. She forgets to remind Jane that all employees park in the garage, that it's policy to do so. Maura sometimes wonders if it would be hilarious to park her Prius in Jane's spot in front of the building but Maura never does anything funny without deliberating it over, weighing the possibilities of a backfire.
Jane picks up on the tone of Maura's voice, the tone that implies Maura's brain is really heavy. She assumes it's over a body or some ridiculously long-named sample of evidence that she's trying to analyze. Jane's a good sport when it comes to Maura's other cases and the google-speak isn't nearly as annoying when it has nothing to do with Jane catching her own bad guy.
"Okay, I'll grab the breakfast and meet you in the morgue." Jane smiles at herself, proud of her good friendship skills. Maura deserves good things, this Jane knows.
The ME is getting more and more flustered and if she wasn't a genius she'd be too involved with the situation in her passenger seat to hear any of the things Jane just said. She knows there is a solution here, she knows it. And the fact that she is a smarty would lead you to believe she wouldn't need help but Jane is pretty bright too and Maura doesn't mind asking the detective for assistance.
"I have a problem Jane."
But Jane's brain tends to work with only what it has until that no longer holds true. In running a case Jane finds a suspect that seems likely according to evidence, situation, and gut. Then she hones down. She moves on to other things if that turns out wrong. It's effective and efficient. She wasn't the first woman to ever work in the Boston drug control unit or the youngest to make detective for nothing.
"Yeah, I get it Maur. You can talk it out and run me through whatever it is in the morgue. My case load is non-existent. I'm yours until something crops up."
Jane parks her car where she always does and starts to head toward doors. Reception can get sketchy on the floor level so she's about to re-confirm and hang up when Maura finally fills her in.
"I can't leave my car right now. I need your help in the parking structure."
And since Jane now has more information she does what she always does, she hones down.
"Oh, got it. On my way."
"Maura this is ridiculous." Jane waves her hands over the situation. It's dreadfully dumb.
"I had no other option."
"Well you should have found one. The last time you brought that thing here everyone I love just about died. So why don't you just take him home." Jane isn't making suggestions.
Maura presses her lips together. "I can't take him home Jane. He's ill and shouldn't be alone. His normal caregiver is on vacation."
Jane just rolls her eyes because this elusive caretaker seems to take a lot of vacays.
"And it's unacceptable for you to correlate Bass's presence with the shooting last fall. Bass didn't shoot you." Maura lets her gaze rest on Jane. She's a fierce mama bear and she's not letting Jane get away with blaming the tortoise for her own finger-happy stunt.
Jane squints at the large crate belted in the passenger seat of Maura's eco-friendly ride. She can barely make Bass out through the vents in the side.
"What's wrong with him anyways?"
"He has an appointment scheduled for later this afternoon. Possible surgery." Maura climbs back into her own seat, heels still poised on cement. Jane watches her twist her body as she peers through to Bass, cooing at him that she's going to find a solution to this.
Maura sighs as she threads one of her fingers into the crate to rub the top of Bass's head. "Yes, prolapsed cloaca." Maura is distracted again, fretting her lip, bright eyes narrowed in concentration.
"Clo- a- what?"
Maura's concern for her tortoise seems to evaporate at the chance to explain something. Her head pops up so that Jane can see her over the crate's edge.
"Cloaca. The organ into which the digestive and excretory systems empty, and which houses the penis. It's very serious Jane. He could-" Maura stumbles here, tears may or may not be coming soon. She finishes in a hushed voice. "He could lose it."
Jane's eyes snap wide. "His penis?" She points at Bass and then taps the air a few times and attempts to not smile, smirk, grin.
Jane's a failure.
But she's proud that she didn't at least throw her head back and howl.
However, strike one.
"Jane, it's not funny." Maura removes herself from the car. She faces off from Jane, Prius barrier, arms folded. "Are you helping me or not?"
"With his prolapses penis?"
"With his transportation. I need to move him to the morgue so I can keep an eye on him." Maura says it with all the obviousness in the world.
Jane looks from Maura's stance to the turtle and back again. "Well how do you normally do it?" She's never considered how tiny Maura heaves her huge pet to places.
"Normally I just drive through the transport bay and then persuade one of the uniforms to help me lift him out."
"Well then let's do that now. We don't have to tell anyone about the penis issue." Jane speaks out of the side of her mouth as if they are in public, indecent.
"An EMT backed into the emergency doors yesterday. The construction crew is already down there." Maura's eyes prolapse themselves, her hand coming to rub her forehead.
Jane considers the situation, her detective brain clicking away. She strides around the car, stopping to lean down and stare at Bass and his crate a few times. After a long while of thinking she jerks towards Maura. "We could leave him here, take turns checking in on him." She taps her lips at the thought, rolling it over in her head, deciding it's brilliant.
"I'm not leaving him here Jane!" Maura throws her hands up and walks past her ex-friend to Bass's side. "He's in pain. It would be inhumane." She looks over the car to glare at the detective.
Jane decides to comment on Bass being a reptile, not a human but before she can, Maura is unbuckling the crate, squatting in her fancy shoes and attempting to maneuver the mass into her arms.
"Whoa! Yo, hey!" Jane grabs Maura's forearms from behind her to put off her impending hernia. "What are you doing?"
"I'm gonna carry him to autopsy!" Maura actually stomps her foot, speaks like an uneducated, and refuses to release her grip on Bass's carrier.
"By yourself?" Jane's smirking but gratefully she's still behind Maura so she doesn't get slapped, verbally or physically.
"That is why I called you down here."
"Right." Jane's grip on Maura's forearms loosen and somehow her hands end up rubbing Maura's arms for a bit. But neither thinks anything of it because they are convinced, blindly certain, that best friends do that.
"How about this?" Jane stops her hands. "I'm thinking we might drop Bass if we try to manhandle him all the way inside. And dropping the turtle probably won't help his prolapse."
"Don't move. I'll be back." And with that Jane slaps Maura's ass because friends do that too and takes off towards the building.
"Steady. Stead-y. Good, good. Steady Maura!"
"I am steady Jane!" Maura grunts it out from her compromising position but so far they've been golden.
"Okay we're getting to the ramp and the sidewalk is uneven, brace yourself!" Jane commands her like a drill sergeant. Maura does not respond like a respectful soldier.
"I am braced dammit!"
Jane puts her back behind it as she steers the rolling office chair complete with crate and ME up the handicap ramp. Maura straddles the edge of the chair, tortoise carrier between her thighs, arms slung over it and heels placed on the tops of the chair wheels like a freakin rodeo cowboy.
Jane gathers enough speed to get up the slope, grunting her exertion and praying to god the concrete doesn't bitch-slap her friend. She attempts to steady the back of the chair so the ME doesn't have to worry about the swivel effect but then Jane catches Maura's wide eyes.
"Isles, pull it together!" Jane hurries up and soon has them on even ground. "Almost there."
"This is completely unprofessional." Maura hugs the crate tighter to her chest and reassures Bass that the hard part is over. But Maura does have a point and Jane isn't looking forward to running into anyone while she's pushing the doctor, skirt stretched across spread thighs, backwards on a roll-y chair with a hundred pound turtle in her lap.
They make it to security.
Officer Crenshaw has only wide eyes. Jane tells him to shut it before slapping her own identification in his face. When he just eyes Maura who is attempting to smile at him from over her shoulder, Jane digs through her friend's purse to locate the doctor's ID. Crenshaw just dumbly nods as the two women wheel past him, under the metal-detecter which thankfully stays silent.
"Almost there." Jane arranges them at the elevator, stilling the chair so she can push the down button but Maura beats her to it, smiling like a champion.
"Oh! Jane didn't you want coffee?" Maura eyes the cafe off to her left. "I could really use some tea."
"Maura!" Jane hisses at her, indicating their situation once again with her hands. "Not the time."
"Oh right." Maura nods and hugs Bass a little more.
"Like we have the room to carry coffee." An image of Maura balancing her hot tea while attempting to keep her ass on the chair makes Jane scowl slash orgasm. She taps her foot impatiently at the elevator.
Finally the doors open but of course they aren't empty and out stroll the good ole boys.
Jane drops her head to her hands which are still clutching the back of the chair, her body bent over so she doesn't have to look at her partners. She does however take a peek at Maura who is blissfully unaware and now has her fingers through the grate, petting the sick turtle again.
Frost and Korsak just stand and stare. Finally Frost puts his hand out to stop the oncoming elevator which dings and has Maura craning her perfect neck back to look at them.
"Good morning." She smiles at them brightly, forgetting for a second that her skirt is pulled dangerously high, her breasts pushed against a tortoise kennel.
"What's going on here?" Korsak steps out to survey the situation. Frost grins like a little boy which deserves a one handed punch, followed with a slap to the head. But Jane doesn't trust the chair enough to let go.
Maura launches into a monologue about Bass and his penile prolapse. Jane just smirks as both men recoil in horror.
"Frost! Grab the door." Jane barks it out as the elevator starts to close and Frost, the good soldier he is, hops to.
The boys are still confused but Jane is pretty sure no matter what is said, it is gonna stay that way so she just breezes by with her cargo and wedges Maura into a corner of the elevator and turns to press the basement button.
Maura leans back gratefully, her head and back resting against the steel walls. Her skirt inches up a little more. Jane barely has time to point at Frost in warning when his eyes find creamy thighs before the elevator slides shut.
"We're almost there Bass just a few more minutes." Maura coos at her tortoise just in time for Jane to see the entire situation for what it is.
The detective this time does throw her head back, a heavy laugh launching out of her throat. A bewildered Maura only stirs it up more with her blank look but finally she too breaks and it's giggle galore.
And soon they are in the morgue and Jane is helping the stiff doctor up off her perch. It's four strong arms lifting the crate and finally Bass is free.
"Whoa! Put that thing back where it came from!" Jane spins to grab the crate again, ready to stuff that dumb animal back in.
"Jane, he can't help it!" Maura steps in-between her friend and her responsibility, hands out and against the detective's torso. She may or may not notice the other woman's abs.
"It's disgusting Maura."
"And painful. I've been saturating the organ in a crystalline carbohydrate and water solution. It doesn't appear to be helping though. The reptile veterinarian will have to attempt reinsertion."
"Ah, stop, stop! I don't want to know." Jane however can not tear her eyes from the red wet mess the damn turtle has between his legs. "Just do something already. Cut it off. Anything!"
"Amputation is a serious possibility. I would hate for him to have to experience that though." Maura sweeps through her morgue and locates a shallow dish that she instructs Jane to fill with water. To that she adds the sugar, emptying the small Tupperware she pulls from her purse.
"I need to set him in the solution and it has to be done carefully so it doesn't spill. I'll need your help."
"No! No way. I am not touching that thing." Jane points at said thing before throwing both her hands into her hair to try and sort out that this can't possibly be happening right now.
"Fine! I'll do it myself." Maura positions herself back into a squat, her heels and fancy dress making Jane feel guilty.
"Make sure to lift with your legs." She's guilty, but not that guilty.
Maura just sends her a look before wrapping her hands around Bass, bracing them against the underside of his shell.
"Fine! Fine! I'll help." Jane looks away for a moment to get herself psyched up. "I'm not getting anywhere near the prolapse coca- whatever!"
The ME shifts herself so Jane has plenty of room to grip the tortoise near the front of the shell. Jane almost gets settled but before her hands make contact her eyes betray her, darting back to the injury. She gags slightly in her throat before standing back up.
She steps off to the side as Maura rolls her eyes. That's when the girl notices Jane tugging on some purple gloves from the table before returning. She smirks at her, impressed she isn't bailing.
"Okay. On three. One. Two. Three." Maura counts down and Bass is lifted then placed as delicately as Jane can handle into the dish. The splash is minimal.
"Jesus. I think I just threw my back out."
"The phrase throwing ones back out is a figure of speech or if taken literally- a myth." Maura is proud that she recognizes the play on words so quickly and identifies it as such to Jane. The detective just snaps her gloves off and tosses them in the waste.
"And let me guess, you took it literally."
"When people say they have thrown their back out, what they usually mean is that while performing a specific movement such as twisting or bending forward they have developed sudden and severe pain. The lower back is the most common site for pain of this sort, and while there are several causes of this problem, including muscle spasm, arthritis, and, less commonly, a herniated disc or even a fracture, the cause is often mysterious."
"Thank you Doctor Isles." Jane stretches her back knowing the use of sarcasm will be lost on her friend.
"You're welcome Detective Rizzoli." Maura beams at Jane. The detective whips towards her, regarding her with her eyes. Sometimes it is near impossible to tell if Maura is entirely clueless or a brilliant jokester.
Almost always Maura is sincere in her lack of understanding social cues but occasionally the infliction of her voice hints otherwise.
Jane's eyes leave Maura's face and of course stumble back on Bass. "How- how did it." The detective coughs a little to release the gagging sensation in her throat. "How did it get that bad?"
The blond only sighs is utter sadness, clearly at a complete loss. "I'm not sure. It could have been due to straining, parasites, constipation, ingesting foreign objects, dehydration although sometimes there is no clear cause."
Jane walks to the sink to wash her hands for good measure.
"The situation while common in the Sulcata breed is highly emergent. The earliest I could get an appointment was three o'clock. After hearing my own credentials however the veterinarian did suggest rinsing the organ with fresh water and Betadine, and manually reinserting it back in with a lubricated gloved finger. One without spermicide mind you."
"Oh god please stop talking."
Maura however only pulls out something else from her purse. It isn't until the KY Jelly is sitting on the floor next to a crouched Maura that Jane registers the tube is not new.
"And we are so not close enough for you to bring your personal used lube to work. I have got to get out of here." Jane points at the lube and then points at Maura who's expression is only innocent.
"This is serious Jane. I'm not certain if I can be of help. Extreme care must be taken in reinsertion. If the colon contains fecal matter and the colon tissue is pierced in the attempt to replace it, severe, even fatal contamina-"
"-And I'm gone! Gah." Jane shakes her head to clear the entire mental image of her morning. "So good luck with-" She looks around the morgue wishing for a dead body distraction. "-Ah everything. Never call me again with this type of problem."
And with that Jane clears the room, shuddering once more at the exit.
"Jane." Maura's voice calls to her and Jane stops so the doctor can see her but in which she doesn't have to look back. She refuses to look back even if Maura does look really pretty in that blouse.
"You'll be back at one so I can take him to his appointment, right?"
And Jane can't remember how many strikes she already has, all she knows is this is so so game over.