Category: Resident Evil

Title: Used And Abused

Author: fan_fic_writer_uk

Email: fan_fic_writer_uk@yahoo.co.uk

Rating: PG-13 (although maybe NC-17 in later chapters pending reviews)

Language: English (obviously)

Note- I do NOT own resident evil (like that wasn't obvious)

a/n Okay people this is a YAOI fic (incidentally my first), you know what that means and what it entails so if you don't like it then you shouldn't even be reading this and, if you still are TURN BACK NOW (I already warned you what it would be in the summary)

Umm... anyway now that's over with I guess I should tell you a little about my fic. Well obviously it's C/W and yeah there's quite likely going to be some sex scenes in it. Sounds pretty average I guess, but I don't do average. This fic's going to be a lot different than other C/W ones (I like standing out from the rest of the crowd). If you've read any of my other fics you'll already know I make the characters (particularly Wesker) very different from their stereotypical roles and this fic isn't going to be any different. And also unlike most other C/W fics I've noticed I'm not going to have Wesker rape Chris (it's not my style). And I'm not going to make him 100% evil either, like other writers, I just don't think he is or for that matter anybody is. So basically I'm injecting some emotions into this fic to make you see the two in a completely new light. The fic itself is going to alternate from Chris's P.O.W to Wesker's P.O.W mostly on a chapter to chapter basis with a couple of flash backs thrown in for good measure, where if there are going to be any sex scenes they wil occur (just to let you know).

I'm sure I've bored you enough already so whatever else you want to know you'll just have to read the fic and find out... so enjoy I guess and on with the fic!

Chapter One- The Past, Chris's P.O.W

Putting pen to paper, it's hard, harder than I thought it'd be, probably because I really don't want to. Yet I'm going have to do it eventually and I suppose there's no time like the present. I've put it off for long enough as it is anyway, I guess I've just been fooling myself in the meantime. Fooling myself that I'm strong, fooling myself that I can cope, fooling myself that everything's just fine.. yeah right. Sure I can pretend to the others that I'm okay (I've noticed I'm quite good at it actually with a sickening horror), but things aren't okay, it's only a pretence, my bravado. I've probably only done it because I've to, it's more like an obligation than anything else. As group leader there is no other option, you've got to be stronger than everyone else, you've got to rise above things others are unable to.. but I can't, I'm not that strong really.. I never was. And that's why I'm here writing this, alone (at least emotionally) late at night in some dingy dive somewhere in North-Western Europe. I've tried to bottle things up but I've failed miserably, it's only made things worse in fact.. I know that now. I thought it would be easier on me to ignore everything I felt and still feel. By putting everything to the back of my mind I'd hoped to find the inner strength to last each day through.. how wrong I was. It was a short term solution not a long one, and that's why I've got to write this now otherwise I'll never be free from it all, not ever.

I can't talk to anyone, they just wouldn't, they couldn't. They don't know what I know, they don't know the utter hell I've been through or the pains I've had to bare.. and why should they? It's not their fault, it's not their problem, it's mine and mine alone. That's why I'm writing this, it's my only outlet to the pain and grief that has been bubbling up inside of me these past few months. Months? Yeah it has been, I guess I hadn't realised it yet, after all it still only seems like yesterday (a total cliche I know but it's definitely true). All of my doubts, my worries, my fears that I thought I'd gotten over, gotten passed have been building up and have resurfaced tonight (it was just wishful thinking to believe otherwise). But I know now you can't just ignore emotions and hope they'll go away, certainly not in my case, you just can't. How on earth can you ignore betrayal like I've felt it?

Not only by your Captain, the man whose supposed to protect you, risk his own life to save you in fact.. that's just the beginning of it, there's SO much more. It becomes a lot more difficult to try

and forget when you've been betrayed by a friend (at least someone who you thought was a friend). That's still not it though, the last two pale in comparison to the third betrayal. (Wait for it) How can you forget the betrayal I've had by a lover?

Yes I said lover, lover lover lover lover LOVER. There that's why it hurts so much, that's why it breaks my heart and that's why they can't know, I'd just die if they did. I can't discuss what has happened to me with anyone, you can see why now. They'd probably lay on the sympathy which I can't handle or worse, they'd resent me for what I did. Sleeping with the enemy, they'd privately hate me for it (even though I didn't know I was doing it at the time). I say we were lovers, we weren't. He was my lover, he meant so much to me in so many ways. However to him I was just a fuck toy, a pleasure toy, a bit of fun for him. He probably thought it was funny screwing around with me, playing mind games on so many levels. All he saw me as was someone he could set out to seduce. And I was too young, too naive, too innocent to know, to believe any different and he took advantage of that fact. He couldn't have felt what I felt or he couldn't have done what he did, nobody could have. No I was just somebody he could use for kicks, nothing more, I couldn't be. When I discovered the real truth and he confirmed it so coldly and matter a factly it tore me up. Love me he didn't, he revealed himself to be too cruel and evil to be able to do so... and yet when we were together he was so caring towards me, so understanding.

So compromising with me when I told him he was my first, so gentle. Prepared to take things at my slow virgin pace, so wonderful... I wonder why he bothered, was it just for effect? He gave me so much pleasure, so much happiness not just physically it was more than that for me. He treated me like I was precious to him, more than willing to fulfil my needs more than his own. And he took care of my insecurities, my fears, I would have trusted him with entire body and soul in an instance. But that's not the most of it the best of it was when he'd just hold me tightly in his arms, on the nights when we didn't have sex, on the nights when I needed him more than just superficially. I remember how lovingly he reassured me and promised me things would be alright on the nights when I revealed myself to him. Those were my real nights with him, the time in which I opened up to him, when I told about my past and what I'd had to endure after Mum and dads' death, when I needed him most. And he'd listen, he'd just be so perfect, holding me until I cried no more. He helped me come to terms with it all, ironic now since it's him that is the bane of my past. Why he did it I don't know and I don't want to, it'd just be too hurtful to know the truth.

Looking at it though why should I care? I can easily pick cracks in our relationship even from a brief glance. Our time together wasn't quite all I've made it out to be, rarely was it the perfect scenario I've described. More often than not it was a few stolen moments on a mission or in the office, a few glances and a innuendoes with hidden meaning at work in our comments to each other.. that's not romance, perhaps I should have realised then that there was something wrong. He never opened up to me either, not really, it was always me who was the one who always showed their vulnerable side, never him. And I was the needy one as well, always needing to feel safe, secure and loved. He was distant at times as well, very distant yet at others he was incredibly close and completely loving (now we all know why, it was work). I was the more affectionate one as well, but that's probably due to my needy side. Our relationship was, under closer scrutiny, far from perfect.. yet it was more than enough for me at the time.

I suppose now you see why things are so hard for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm breaking into two, falling apart as the days go on. It's like a doubled edged sword looking back at the past, it both fills me with joy at its remembrance and saddens me when I remember what was to come. I've got to do I though to let the healing begin. The thing is what I've said so far isn't the final bombshell, not at all. No perhaps the worst thing of all of this is when everything is all said and done and I look deep inside of me, real deep, I find that I still love him. Yeah love him, hardly seems believable but I do, I can't turn my feelings on and off like a tap. Sure there are parts of him I hate, most of him in fact. But when I think back to those special moments and times, I can't hate him completely.. however hard I try. I guess I haven't learnt anything if I still love him... I guess I'm still the bigger fool for it, although its slowly killing me to do so.

***

Well that was chapter one, a tad revealing I think. Quite emotional as well (bet you never thought of Chris like this). Well greater surprises are still to come in the next chapter entitled 'Insomnia' when we take a look at Wesker and make some truly shocking discoveries (pending positive reviews).

Oh well not much to say apart from please R/R with views, comments, constructive criticism, etc (any review are greatly appreciated).

P.S If you read my other fic Wesker's Desire (Claire/Wesker) it's going to be a while before chapter eleven (I've just deleted 3/4's of it as quite frankly it sucked.. sorry)