HEY! I'm soo sorry for the loooong wait but here's a little something to satisfy curiosity :)
When I got home after the funeral Rose was the only one home. I could tell by the insanely loud pop music playing in in the living room. I could even hear her singing along, shallow breaths indicating that she's jumping and dancing along to her favorite artists. I figured it was loud enough that I could pass by without notice. But I hadn't even set down my bags when she barged in, squealing my name and pulling me into a tight hug.
"You have a bad habit of not saying hello when you come home!" Rose said, "How are you feeling?"
"Good," I breathed.
"And the funeral? Was it nice?"
"As nice as a funeral can get, I suppose."
She smiled fondly at me, pecking my cheek and stepping away. "Well, I'll let you finish unpacking then. Emmett is picking me up in about an hour, I hope that's okay?"
I rolled my eyes and muttered, "I don't need to be babysat, Rose."
"I know. It's just that if you were still feeling down about what has happened I didn't wanna leave you alone all night."
"I'm fine." And that was a straight out lie, because I was most definitely not fine – far from it – but not for the reason she could be thinking. She might be a psychic who throughout all the time I'd known her had constantly surprised me by knowing things she couldn't possibly know without reading through my journal I kept hidden under my bed, but there was no way she would ever figure out that Jasper had refused to have sex with me. He wouldn't tell her would he.
She gave me a tentative stare before nodding and replacing her thoughtful expression with a grin. "Great. I'll come say bye before I leave."
She bounced out of my room and despite everything, I smiled a little to myself at how absolutely endearing she was.
It had been exactly eight days since the funeral when Brady was finally able to convince me of going out with him again. Most of why I agreed so easily was because of the boredom and utter depression I was feeling when I locked myself in my room every night. Also because I sort of felt obligated to accompany him – like I owed Brady something. May be because he'd set me up with his too perfect friend Embry Call and I had fucked that up completely. Yeah, that made me feel a little guilty.
Brady was wearing skinny white jeans and one of those translucent pastel coloured t-shirts when he picked me up. It looked gay as hell, but it was still kind of cute. We made our way to the club and before we'd taken a couple of steps into the large room he was already bouncing and shaking his head to the music.
A few drinks and a couple of unnecessary washroom breaks later I found myself limping my way back to the table where Brady and his usual friends where all laughing and having the time of their lives. I was feeling a little tipsy and unbalanced so when I made it to the table, I was nearly about to miss my chair if it weren't for Riley who was immediately there to catch me – he practically put me in his lap actually. Of course he would. He'd spent the last two hours of the night shamelessly flirting with me and constantly making sexual innuendos that I happily ignored as I sipped on my drinks. To be honest, it wasn't much of a difference from the times he'd hit on me before, but I guess word got around that I was technically single now and he was going in for the kill.
Suddenly I felt a hand squeeze my upper thigh and when I looked down, it was Riley. When did it even get there?
I couldn't put up with his shit anymore so I turned to Brady, not feeling guilty about pulling him away from his conversation. "Hey, you wanna go dance?"
His face lit up as he said yea. I guess it wasn't every day that I volunteered to dance on a club dance floor.
I trailed quickly behind Brady so as not to give Riley a chance to gallop after us. As we started dancing and Brady started to attract some attention from the guys around us, a plan started forming in my head. This was pretty perfect, because now I could walk out and go home without Riley noticing.
Brady looked like he was having more fun with the hunks around than with me. We barely got through three songs before some relatively sexy looking guy came up behind Brady and whispered most likely dirty stuff in his ear. I nodded and winked at Brady as a goodbye and made a mental note to text him tomorrow morning to apologize for walking out early.
I was home pretty quickly after that – the chilly weather was always a great motivator to walk quickly. I let myself into the dark apartment knowing Rosalie was sleeping at Emmett's and that Jacob was out with Jasper and there was a big chance he wouldn't come home before the sun started peaking through the curtains once again.
Fucking Jasper Whitlock.
I hadn't talked to Jasper since he had dropped me off last Friday – feeling dumb, ashamed and above all embarrassed. I didn't think it was possible to loathe someone and want to suck their dick at the same time, but apparently the feeling existed. I was completely fucking torn between wanting to stab him with a knife and pull him in for a hard kiss while I stuck my hand into his pants. And what the hell was I supposed to do with that? I honestly didn't want one thing more than the other. So I just locked the feelings away and went back to avoiding him. It was easier that way – it was comfortable and it was how it had always been. Trying to communicate with each other in other ways than through hisses and seethes – and mocking laughs, in his case – just didn't work and it probably wasn't going to either.
With a sigh I went to the kitchen to make myself a very much deserved sandwich, but stopped halfway when my phone vibrated.
Are you awake? – Jas
I involuntarily let out a groan of annoyance as I read the text message. What in the world could he want from me – I had basically given him my heart and soul already and he had refused. Well, technically that was true.
Leave me alone.
I may have winced when I replied with that.
I finished my sandwich and seated myself on the couch to flip through the channels, pointlessly considering this time of the night. I froze when I heard the door slam open, followed footsteps too heavy to be Rosalie's and too light to be Jacob's. I immediately got up on alert and regretted forgetting to lock the door.
"Woah there, chill, it's just me," He said, still blonde, still blue eyed, still tall and muscular and still fucking sexy.
"Yea, I thought so! Why the hell can't you take a hint!" I exclaimed with frown.
He kind of looked like a kicked puppy – an emotion that indicated he was probably wasted. "I just wanted to talk to you." He sounded innocent, a bit fragile.
I blinked a few times out of astonishment before saying, "I don't want to talk to you."
"I know. But I really don't care."
I hissed at him and when he moved closer to me, I crossed my arms. I felt a little bit like a child but I didn't give a fuck.
"Hey," He simply said. He was standing too close to me, and I didn't like it. But I also didn't like stepping back and showing vulnerability. The way his breath swept over my skin made me shiver and thoughts that I'd been trying to lock away all week rushed to spotlight in my head.
"Go away." I tried to turn around even though I knew it wouldn't make him leave – he sounded way too determined.
"I'm sorry about what happened, Edward."
"You need to leave." Before I forgive you and take you to bed.
"I've never done what you've asked me before."
"Make an exception then." Please. I could literally beg at this point.
He leaned closer, pressed his warm lips to the exposed skin below my ear. But he quickly pulled away, and I sighed as I realized I've been missing his touch all week. Another shiver rippled through me as I felt his breath slide down my neck. I realized he smelled slightly like beer and smoke, which only angered me further, because he's probably thinking with his dick and not his brain.
"Get. The fuck. Out."
He took a step back, watching me carefully. I averted my gaze from his and stood completely still, waiting for him to leave. I could feel his eyes on me for a while, but he eventually groaned and turned around. He literally had to use the wall for support in order not to fall. But all I could notice was how his back flexed under the tight gray t-shirt he was wearing as he struggled with simple movements. Goddamn.
"Wait." I didn't exactly give myself permission to speak out loud, but... I need to say something. "Why... I- You... why do you keep doing this!?"
He stopped moving but didn't turn back to face me. "Because you're worth it." he said.
But I couldn't be sure. His speech was slurred and I was definitely in a state of mind to have conjured that up on my own.
When the door closed behind him, I realized that I'd been holding my breath, so I let out the air and took a deep breath before I hit the shower. I really needed to cool off and go to bed to put my mind to rest. He was driving me crazy. Absolutely fucking crazy. I jerked off in the shower which probably wouldn't have been necessary if he hadn't come over and rubbed his sexiness all over me. I gritted my teeth at the fact that the only thing that could get me off was thoughts of him, there really wasn't any way around it anymore.
I really wanted him.
I woke up way past noon, feeling like everything was in slow motion. I took a quick shower and got myself dressed, trying to get some control over my messed up hair. Giving my room a once over before leaving it, I headed to the kitchen to make myself breakfast, which consisted of toast and a glass of orange juice. My creativity was really pathetic these days.
Rosalie and Jacob were both up and both seemed a little hungover so hopefully they were considerate enough to know to leave me alone. Rose's feet were in Jake's lap, seemingly she'd finally talked him into giving her a foot massage, which I had always flat out refused.
"You're up!" Jake exclaimed with loud enthusiasm.
"Yeah. Up," I said, "Shhh."
"What are you doing today?" Rose mused.
"Studying, I think."
"How very intriguing," Jake said. "Rose and I are going shopping. Wanna come? She's helping me get the badboy look down, 'cause apparently that shit gets girls without even approaching them."
"Yeah, 'cause that's sounds fun... I'd rather just cuddle with my books, thanks."
"Whatever, bro." he smiled suspiciously.
"He's giving me a foot massage in return for my expertise." Rose chuckled.
I ate my breakfast in silence and listened to Rosalie and Jacob's gossip drama happening on campus. When I downed the rest of my orange juice I went to my room to find my text book for English class and my laptop with all my notes, so I could finally get started on that damn English paper that I had been procrastinating for about eternity.
When I stood there rummaging in my stack of text books, I heard the door slam and a deep voice entered the apartment. I figured that it was Emmett coming over to take Rosalie and Jacob to the mall or something, but when I came back out from my room it was Jasper standing in the middle of our living room in all his glory with a new haircut and a leather jacket that hugged his torso terribly good.
"Well," Rose said, interrupting the awkward silence of surprise, "Jake and I should get going!"
"Yeah," Jake supplied, "We should get going." He looked between me and Jasper with a half smirk before slipping on his shoes and his jacket to wait by the door for Rose.
"You two be good, alright?" She said, cheek kissing the both of us and brushing past us. "Oh! Emmett's here! Hey babe... yeah, we're on our way…" She waved frantically at the both of us, mouthing sorry at me before grabbing Jacob's arm and dragging him with her out the door.
I was clutching my text book and lap top really tightly and it was starting to hurt my hands a bit. My whole body felt electrified in shock and I couldn't bring myself to do anything but looking at Jasper. He was staring right back at me. A lump began to form in my throat.
"Um, I'm sorry about last night..."
"Whatever. It's nothing new."
More silence ensued so I decided to put my things down and tried to subtly shake the nerves off of my shaking hands.
Jasper ran a hand through his hair. He kept opening and closing his mouth as if he was looking for something to say. "He's good for her… Emmett."
"Yeah, yeah he is. He treats her with respect and admiration." I looked at him patiently and watched for his reaction.
He looked a little taken aback, "Yeah, of course. She deserves that, obviously."
I remained quiet, trying not to reveal how uncomfortable I really was, because I didn't want him to see that. I would not let him see me vulnerable ever again – it had gone wrong every single time. I really just wanted to go lock myself up in my room and never have to talk to Jasper again. May be I would just have to endure this one and it would be the last talk I'd ever have with him. At least he's finally sober.
"Respect is something every body deserves…" He trailed off quietly.
I squinted my eyes, not sure where he was going with this. "Oh, that's rich, coming from you." I had to hold myself back from spitting more accusations at him. He really never failed to surprise me with his ignorance.
"I'm sorry, what–"
"Oh, yeah of course now you're a saint, Jasper. You can't come up with a single moment where you have disrespected someone. But that's kind of questionable, huh? Judging from your... life style."
His face showed surprised but again, that was another one of his acts. "Edward… if you're talking about–"
"I'm not talking about anything, Jasper." I turned, the anger finally enabling me to move and deciding to leave because I couldn't deal with his crap anymore. My limit had really been reached and I could only tolerate so much.
"Edward, wait. You can't keep beating around the bush like this. Obviously we're standing at a misunderstanding right now. I think it's time we actually man up and talk about serious matters for once."
His voice sounded authoritative and forceful. For some reason I stopped and turned back to face him. "There is no misunderstanding, Jasper. Respect is obviously the last thing you think about when it comes to me."
"Are you fucking kidding me!" He threw his hands up in defeat with an expression I interpreted as incredulous. "Respect is all I have for you, Edward! I've respected you since the moment you became the only one in our high school who didn't fall to my feet in worship. The moment I chose to stop you last week… that was out of respect for you. I didn't want to use you like some usual cheap one night stand. I don't want to remember you as 'that guy I slept with one time'. I want to remember you as that guy who fucking confronted me about the ass that I was being all my life. Who resisted my stupid charms and unconsciously played mind tricks on me. The guy who I ended up falling for –"
Jasper's eyes flew wide open in realization. He was pathetic, did he think I would fall for that?
I stayed silent though, not really sure what to say for a moment. "Falling for me. Well that's a new one! Seriously, are you going to play me into another one of your seduction games? Jasper, I said I've had enough."
"Yes! Games! Ever since you found out… ever since you found out that I'm gay you've been coming on to me! What does that say about innocent Jasper who didn't want to just sleep with me? It's always been a game for you. And you just proved that when you completely rejected me–"
"I didn't reject you!"
"Then what do you call what was happening between us! Riling me up for months with sexual tension I didn't even feel with my boyfriend and in the end completely rejecting me when– when we were about to – fuck!" I pinched the bridge of my nose because I sensed a headache setting in. I really did not want to talk about this. I didn't want the memories I'd forced to the back of my brain to flood back into the fore front of my thoughts.
"Edward, I wasn't… I wasn't rejecting you I was just stopping you–"
"From what! Stopping me when I finally gave into your tricks? When I opened myself to you after my grandmother died? When I'd finally put a single ounce of trust in you–you completely turned me down."
"Oh wait, I get it now. You like the chase. But once I surrendered, I wasn't fun enough for you."
"That's not how it was! I just didn't want you to do something you'd regret."
"Well, you're right about that. I do regret even giving you an offer, so who knows how devastated with regret I would've felt if you didn't stop me! I guess I should thank you then? For stopping me from making an even bigger fool of–"
"Edward, would you just fucking listen! What did you want the alternative to be? For us to have sex? Yeah, and then what? We wake up in the morning all lovey dovey and have breakfast in bed? Or how about we wake up in reality and realize that we fucked in your childhood bed – only a couple of hours after your grandmother's funeral. You were in grief, Edward. I couldn't use your fragile state like that."
I stayed quiet and pondered his words because, well, I hadn't expected that. I shoved that night so far back into my head that I'd never gotten a chance to consider his side... "Well may be I wanted to forget. May be I wanted you to help me forget everything…"
"I'm sorry… Edward? The same Edward that scolded me every time I brought a one night stand home for a nice fuck? The same Edward who's a virgin? I'm sorry for not predicting that you just wanted to have a casual fuck. Well in that case–"
"That's not what I said–"
"That's exactly what you said. You asked to have sex and when I stopped it from going too far, you gave me the cold shoulder. If you wanted me to help you forget I would have gladly been there for you. Provided you with a shoulder to cry on. A friend to talk to about your feelings. I would have gladly helped you any other way than… that. Because I want to. You know? Because I care!? Yet somehow, you seem to shut me out from all angles. I would've given you comfort the whole night and yet… you managed to shut me out for the millionth time. Edward… are you… are you crying… fuck."
I turned away once I realized that a tear had slipped off the rim of my eye. "I'm… not. I'm just angry. At you and at myself. God, why am I so stupid."
I didn't hear any response from Jasper. I felt so embarrassed; I could almost feel the gears shifting in the room. "You're not stupid… you're one of the greatest most honest people I've ever met. And… well I didn't say all those things just for the hell of telling you off… I said it because I care for you. I don't know how or when it happened, but I've developed many deep feelings for you and I don't want… whatever we have going on here to be ruined by some careless act one night. The reason I want you to understand my point of view over here is because I don't want to be the bad guy anymore. I want us to continue to be in each other's lives. On positive terms."
I felt his hand rest on my shoulder and gently nudge me back so I could face him. I kept my head aimed at the floor though. "I just… I can't believe it. Everything is just…"
"Crazy? I know. Trust me, I know."
"So you really have feelings for me?"
"Who would've thought, right?" He gave a nervous chuckle.
"Yeah. I guess that's why I've been doubting it lately. I never thought… you and me… I mean who wants to be with a guy like–"
"Edward, anyone on this planet should be honored to be with a guy like you. I'm just hoping you'd put my faults aside, and start considering me to be… I don't even know, dating material?"
I gave him a hard stare, letting my brain process his words and suddenly feeling the erratic bats of butterflies in the pit of my stomach. I sucked in a sharp breath before I said, "I guess I could do that…"
I looked back up at him and witnessed a bright smile slowly unfold on his face.
"Great. That's awesome... That's great! Wow..."
He just continued staring at me, I didn't exactly feel comfortable under his heavy gaze, but... it's Jasper. He's looking at me like... I don't even know. What the fuck just happened.
Actually if you don't mind crossing one more line tonight… may I kiss you?"
My eyes bulged and my heart probably skipped 1 too many beats. But my mouth just spoke for me. "Yeah – yes, please."
He sent a full blown smile my way and it made my legs feel a bit wobbly. Jasper grabbed the bottom of my chin with one hand and my cheek with another before I could even think anything to make sense with what's happening. His lips parted slightly and he breathed out. I realized he was just as nervous as me about this, but it was understandable, because although we'd done this before… we hadn't. Not like this – not without poison in our veins, not with our minds in the right place.
He pressed his lips softly against mine, releasing a content sigh. He was gentle with me and his mouth felt and tasted just as amazing as I remembered – may be even better. I felt even dizzier than before and strange emotions ran through me, setting my whole body on an edge of excitement. My hands slid around his upper body and I fisted his shirt in one hand while the other drove up to caress his hairline. Jasper deepened the kiss a bit, letting his tongue slip out to sweep over my bottom lip and I shuddered at the wet satisfaction, leaning forward with more force. He obliged willingly and parted his lips further, allowing me to slip my tongue in for a proper taste of him. He hummed appreciatively and aligned his body closer with mine.
When our lips separated our bodies didn't, Jasper simply tucked me into his neck and wrapped his arms around me protectively. We stood like that for a while, soaking in each other's presence and I couldn't stop thinking about how golden Jasper was. I cursed myself for being such an ignorant bastard and letting my jealousy and self-loathing overshadow Jasper's undeniable loveliness.
Then I noticed how empty and silent the apartment felt. "You guys planned this didn't you?" I asked, a smile tugging at the corner of my slightly swollen lips.
"No!" He gasped, "Why on earth would you think that?"
"Because it's midterm season. Rose and Jake do not have time for shopping."
"Um…" He glanced at me briefly, as if searching for something in my eyes, and then he sighed, defeated. "Yeah. We planned it. They're studying at Emmett's place. They are going shopping to restore Jake's masculinity though – I'm supposed to help with a his new hairstyle. Just not today."
"That's what I thought." I said smiling into his shirt and breathing in his cologne.
"I would've preferred doing this without involving others, but you were doing a hell of a good job avoiding me."
"Yeah… I-I'm sorry."
"Don't be. Let's just move on from all of this."
I nodded in agreement.
"So, uhm," He mumbled and I think that was the first moment in my life where I saw Jasper Whitlock blush. It was a shame he didn't do that more often though, because it was cute as hell and it made me want to corrupt him permanently. "Would you like to – may be, go on a date with me? A real proper one?"
Something in my stomach fluttered and I sucked in a sharp breath to calm myself because Jasper had just asked me out. On a real date. Unbelievable. "Yeah. I think I'd like that," I replied as calmly as I could possibly manage.
Jasper breathed out heavily and I could almost hear the relief washing through him. "When do you have time?"
"Wednesday it is. I'll pick you up at six."
I twisted myself out of his embrace a bit unwillingly. Something seemed fragile about the situation and I didn't want to let it up. I had a feeling that outside this circle of honesty, things might go downhill again.
I already felt a little dizzy by his overwhelming presence surrounding me. I didn't want us to move too fast which would probably cause us to fuck something up that we hadn't even tried out yet. I didn't want to ruin our chance.
"I should probably go now," Jasper said, grimacing and pulling back from the embrace, "I have a meeting with Demetri about some upcoming events."
We just stared at each other for a few moments, the both of us holding our breaths. He was absolutely perfect and I found myself simply unable to look away. Only now, I allowed myself to enjoy his sculpted jaw, cerulean eyes, smooth tanned skin and dirty blonde hair that he'd recently cut and even though it looked sexy as hell, I liked his hair better when it was longer and messily tucked behind his ears or pulled into a ponytail.
His finger caressing my cheek sort of snapped me out of my infatuation. It also gave me courage.
I smiled shyly at him before going in for the kill. I kissed him. Thankfully he responded quickly, colliding our lips in a determined sort of way that made my fingers tremble and search for something to hold on, ending up pressing into the skin by the edge of his jeans and shirt that was revealed as he squirmed around me. The second he pulled away I knew I wanted more, but he had to go and I needed to sit the fuck down.
"I'll see you on Wednesday," Jasper smiled widely, "Bye, Edward."
I watched him intensely as he aimed for the door and closed it behind him with a soft click. I headed straight for the kitchen for a glass of water because my mouth felt dry, and I had no idea what I was doing – what Jasper and I were doing. It was different – so, so different – from how it had felt to kiss and touch Embry. Embry was calming, easy but Jasper made me want to scream and set fire to something.
I sat down and tried my hardest to focus on the essay that was due in a few days, but fuck me if that wasn't the furthest thing on my mind right now.