"Ok! Hey everybody, I'm the authoress, Aisha. Now, you may have noticed a few of these 'Q and A' sessions across the 'net. You also may have noticed the 'Letters to the Editor' page in the Transformers magazines/comics so affectionately called Star Screams. And yes, yes he does. But that's not why we're here!"
"Are you talking to your readers again? You need medical help."
I ignore the voice. "Now, as my name may suggest, I had lived in Egypt for a time, and this was where I met Screamer and the gang. They had fled from the, err, curb-stomp battle that was the business end of Revenge of the Fallen. Because I hid the survivors from the world, they began to trust me..."
"Not this week we don't!"
I turn around and grin at Barricade, who's in holoform and who is the one who made the earlier comment, and holding one of my pink sports bras. "Hey! What's up, Cade?"
"I don't think so. I don't fragging think so." He flings my undergarment at me and glares. "Why did I find that in the training room?"
I cross my arms, pulling my bra off my head where it landed. "Because I was exercising and I left it there when I changed out of my workout clothes, dummy."
He snarls. "You insolent excuse for an autonomous life form!"
"Oh yeah?" I put my hands on my hips, glaring right back. "Well - Well - Well you're supposed to be a ghost! Remember, from Dark of the Moon? How did all of you survive anyway?"
He scoffs. "You don't remember? You used some 'magical artifact of the mighty Trans-fanverse' to revive us for this pointless archive. When is any of it going to start, anyway?"
I shrug. "Well, as soon as Starscream gets home from his - uh, where is he, anyway?"
I slap my forehead. "That dumb-aft! Remind me to take away his TV privileges. He's been watching too much Buffy and thinks he's a human slayer now. Which of course I wouldn't mind as long as he didn't go after me, but he doesn't seem to get the difference between innocent people and evil douches like Buffy does."
"It's actually rather amusing," Barricade snickers. "You know, since one of his optics is blown out and the other is damaged? He can barely see, it's so funny to watch him aim and miss. Remember that news story yesterday? About an experimental government missile landing in Forks? That was him."
"Oh yeah?" I raise my hands to the heavens. "By the power of the magical artifact of the mighty Trans-fanverse, I command that Starscream is no longer blind! ... Ish!"
Somewhere in the middle of a field...
"I can see! Oh Primus, it's a miracle! Hehe, get ready to run, YOU LITTLE INSECTS! SCATTER! SCATTER! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Best day off EVER!"
Barricade's eyes widens and his mouth drops open. "You... You... You little bitch!" he sputters, before transforming into his mech form. "Do you know what he's going to do to us now that he can actually see!"
"He's going to help me attract readers, is what he's going to do," I giggle evilly. "Him, and you, and Herr Doktor, and Lord Stomps on Everything That's Not Bigger Than Him."
"If you're including all of us, why is the thing called Star Screams?"
"Um, because it's a loving shout out to a cool magazine, specifically the part were Screamer got all the attention. Because he doesn't get enough. Besides, he's my favorite and hopefully he'll be getting a lot of questions."
Barricade whistles lowly. "You better not let Lord Megatron hear you say that. You'll be the next thing getting stomped on."
I wave my hand at him, facing my magical portal that transports my words to the people of the internet. "Alright guys! Please disregard everything Barricade's told you. Starscream is awesome, and you all know that already, so why not just bow down now?"
"I'm telling you," Barricade presses on, "you're hitting that big red button clearly marked self destruct over and over, Aisha!"
"He should be back soon, then we can officially get this party started. It's boring around here when he's not around."
"This is so amusing," Barricade laughs, sitting down on my Transformer-size berth. (I had it put there for convenience. I got tired of having to buy a new bed everytime a 'Con came in to talk and wanted to sit down.) "It's like you're begging Lord Megatron to come bursting through your wall for the third time this week and put you in solitary again! Do you remember how frightened you were when you came out of that? You sang his praises every time you saw him for two months and he finally got so fed up with it that he told you to shut your annoying little vocal processor before he tore it out with his bare servos. I wish I could have caught that on film."
I roll my eyes. "So anyway, my readers. Pay no mind to Barricade at the moment, he's not the one you need to listen to. Follow the sweet sound of my voice-"
"-And behold this new most glorious 'Letters to the Editors' page, translated to the wonderful World Wide Web! The best part is that you shall decide what happens." I grin. "Will someone have Lord Megsie answer a question about if he really hates Starscream? Will one of you brave souls dare Thundercracker to push Skywarp off a cliff? And who will take up the challenge of making Barricade here dress up like a femme bot?"
"Not even if you gave me enough Energon to last fifty solar cycles. Take that last part back or the next time you get pulled over by a cop, it will be me."
"... Ooh, good idea! Who wants Barricade to give them a ticket?" I wink.
"D-Don't say that! You're going to attract the fangirls! That's like honey to them!"
"Duh, why do you think I'm doing it? Fangirls means people who have a crush on you. People who have a crush on you will read this story. That means maybe more reviews, more recognition for you guys... eh? Promoting the 'Con image here. You should be kissing my feet!"
"No thanks, I don't have any idea where you've been."
"Uh, here all day."
All of a sudden, Starscream flies in through the big window in the equally big room. "I'm back! Adore me!"
"Screamer!" I run over and hug his foot. "Missed you! Hey hey, Barricade's being nasty to me. Beat his helm in for me, would you?"
"Someday, but not today." Starscream picks me up. "Are you the wonderful little insect who demanded that my sight come back?"
"Yup, that'd be me. I'm awesome, I know."
"Yes! I knew it had to be you. Hey, whenever you want to go on a ride, consider it done. As long as you don't bring any of your disgusting human food into my interior."
I pout. "You guys eat my food! Devastator likes it anyway."
"Devastator eats anything that doesn't try to eat him first," Barricade points out. "He'd eat you if you didn't insist on the leash."
"Don't you remember that one time your food made us all sick?" Starscream adds.
"I remember that," Barricade chuckles. "We all had to share the bathroom."
"And the psycho was trying to get us to eat soup," Starscream agrees. "Like we would eat more of her cooking when it made us regurgitate!"
Tears well up in my eyes. "I said I was sorry! I thought the stupid chicken was cooked all the way!"
"You didn't use a meat thermometer, femme! That poison locked us in our fragging holoforms for three days while we were trying to recover!"
I push my hair back. "Fine. I'm never making cookies for you guys again. I know I can't actually cook worth slag, but see if you can survive a day without brownies."
Starscream rolls his optics. "Femme. Let's not be ridiculous. You'd never do that to us."
"And don't you forget it, Lord Starscream," I beam.
"WHAT WAS THAT I JUST HEARD?"
I squeal and hide behind Starscream. "N-Nothing, Lord Megatron! Just talking about how awesome you are again!"
"We need to make your walls thicker," Barricade mumbles, getting up and heading for the door.
I look over at my magical fanfic device again. "Okay, readers! Send in comments, questions, requests. I don't care what you send in as long as you're ticklin' that keyboard. Update will be in roughly a week, maybe sooner! Screamer, anything to add?"
He glances at me, then grins at the device. "Scream for the stars, insects."
"Haha. You did a title drop sorta thing. That was cool."
"Plenty more where that came from, readers! Now review or I shall have the femme untie the leash that keeps Devastator from destroying you all! Ahahahahahaha!"
"... You overdid it on the evil laughter again."
"So what? You do it all the time. Not to mention, you're the one who talked me into that evil-laughter-inducing scheme to put peanut butter all over Megatron's-"
"WHO IN THE FRAGGING PIT DID THIS TO MYYYYY THROOOOOOONE!"
I blink. "... Ooh, he's gonna kill you. Or at least smack you around as per usual."
Starscream groans. "I would kill you... if I didn't feel like killing myself first."