I stared at the ceiling while lying awake in bed. It was already early in the morning and I hadn't slept at all. Danny's hurt and angry face appeared every time I closed my eyes and I was too afraid to face him, even in a dream.
A knocking sound broke my thoughts and in my eye corners I saw my bedroom door open. I didn't need to look to know who it was so I kept staring at a very dirty spot on my ceiling which I pretended to be very interested in. I felt how the bed moved to the left as he sat on it and how it balanced again when he laid down next to me.
'Have you slept?' Dougie asked almost whispering.
I didn't answer and just stayed silent. I wasn't in the mood for talking or eating or smiling or anything else. I just wanted to be alone, here in my room lying in my bed staring at that very interesting spot on my ceiling while my thoughts only think of one thing, one person.
'Harry said he'll forgive us eventually. We just have to be patient for a little while'
A little while.. how long is a little while? A day? A month? Maybe 3? How much longer do I have to live with this guilt? This anger towards myself? And this unconditional love which is eating me alive every second I don't spend with him?
'Maybe today Danny will let us explain and it could all be good by tonight' Dougie continued.
When Dougie explains himself to Danny I know he'll forgive him immediately. He was in the same situation Harry was, he just handled it differently. When Dougie tells him he never even hated him in the first place I know for sure Danny will forgive him just like he forgave Harry.
But I have something a bit more complicated to put in plain words. I have three little words I have to tell him to clarify why, just three little words. It doesn't sound too hard, does it? But that's the problem, in theory everything sounds so easy and simple while the practice is so damn hard. How difficult can it be to say I love you to your band mate, your best friend? To me, it sounds impossible.
'He doesn't hate you Tom, he's just hurt' Dougie's voice was now filled with worry because I hadn't said anything back. 'You do know that, don't you?'
I swallowed and slightly shook my head as tears appeared in my eyes. Of course Danny hates me for what I did to him. He has every right to be but deep, deep down I want to believe Dougie when he says everything will be ok. I want to have hope for the future where my love will be answered. But that's just the dreaming part of me which is no longer present with me today. Realistic me knows it will never be the same as it was before nor will there be a future for me and him together. Never.
'You've given up, haven't you?' Dougie sat straight and looked into my teary eyes. 'Don't you dare give up on Danny! Not after everything we've been through, what he has been through! You can't do that to him! Not again! We have to be persistent. That's what he wants to see, that we fucking give a shit!' He yelled angry and jumped off my bed to leave my room slamming the door behind him.
The sound of the closing door was so loud that my body bounced and broke my eye contact with the ceiling. I suddenly realized Dougie was right. Danny wants us to let him know that we do care for him and that we are sorry for everything. Of course he's not going to believe us straight away but, as Dougie said, we have to be persistent.
I jumped out of my bed and got dressed. When done, I quickly took my car keys and rushed out of the door. Neither Dougie nor Harry were out of their rooms yet so I had fair play.
I drove to the hospital in a hurry and parked my car on a spot where it's forbidden but I simply had no time to search for a better one. I have to tell him now, now that I have so much courage and bravery in me.
Like a maniac I ran up the stairs which were more than I thought at first but the adrenaline kept me going until I finally arrived at his floor. I took one deep breath and then walked towards Danny's room with great determination.
'Tom wait, don't go in there. There's something I have to tell you first' The nurse said. The one that hates us..
'Later' I said not even looking at her. I was so determine, nothing could stop me now. I arrived at Danny's door and opened it abruptly only to see that the room was empty. The bed where he had laid in was made up. My now scared eyes scanned the room but there was no sign from Danny anywhere.
I turned around and saw that the nurse had followed me. 'Where is he?' I asked without breathing.
'He discharged himself late last night. He.. He's gone'
'I don't know Tom, I'm sorry'
My hands went to my hair and almost pulled it out while I tried to stay calm but couldn't. Tears filled my eyes and my face turned red as I tried not to scream. 'I was ready, I was going to tell him!'
'Tom! Listen to me' The young girl said firm and held my shoulders. 'It's very important that he comes back. He is far from healed!'
'He's gone again..again. Gone' I walked circles of panic and noticed that my surrounding were moving faster than me.
'Tom snap out of it! Listen to me please, Danny has to rest, moving around too much may cause internal injuries. You have to find him and bring him back! Do you understand me?'
'He hates me, that's why he left. He doesn't want to know me anymore' Something heavy was pushing hard on my chest. It hurt and I had trouble breathing.
'Slow breaths Tom, calm down. It will be ok.'
I tried to look at her, listen to her and do what she said but black spots were closing in on my view until suddenly there just was nothing there anymore.