You know you have no life when you buy a book and imagine fictional characters reading it.
Yeah. Because I'm normal.
Disclaimer: Sirius, Remus and Tonks are Jo's, and the book is actually a book I bought at WHSmith :)
This didn't feel right.
Remus wasn't sure what it was, it just felt different. He temporarily put his book on his lap and looked around the room, perceptively. The room didn't seem any cleaner – no, there was still coffee stains in that rug and plates from last week on that coffee table – he just couldn't put his finger on it.
Perhaps it was somebody inside the room? The only two people accompanying him were Sirius and Tonks. He had come to terms with the fact that nothing Tonks could do would surprise him anymore, and Sirius...well, the same had pretty much applied for him too.
Then he realised what laid in Tonks' hands. He blinked a few times, making sure that his eyes were well adjusted and were not playing tricks on him, but, sure enough, there was a book right there. Remus was confused. Tonks didn't read, she had established that when he had tried to persuade her into reading 1984 ('You have to, Nymphadora, it's a modern classic!' 'No, Remus. It's not that I don't want to, I just don't read...so I guess it is that I don't want to, really.')
Remus cleared his throat, contemplating carefully how he was going to go about this.
"Uh, Nymphadora?" he began.
"Uh huh," she said, subconsciously, her eyes still on her book. This bought more questions into Remus' mind.
"You're...reading a book." he said, lamely. It was a statement, and a weak one at that, not a question; he mentally kicked himself the moment the words left his lips.
"Well done, Sherlock." she said, bluntly, but smirking as she did so. Sirius seemed to gain some interest by this point, and, though he wasn't interjecting as he normally would, he did, however, sit up in his seat, watching Remus with entertainment.
"Well..." Remus frowned. "What is it?"
"'It's a book a friend lent me at work," she replied. She was making this difficult for him. Looking up and seeing his puzzled expression, she elaborated. "Everyday Astrology." she smiled.
"Ah," interrupted Sirius, finally having a fun opportunity. "Seeing how compatible you and Moony are, are we? Sounds exciting."
"Oh, ha ha," Tonks said, dryly. "It's spot on, actually. You're a Scorpio, right?"
"Yes, but, I'm sorry, Tonks. You're my cousin, I don't care how compatible we are, I am not, and will never, be in love with you."
"It's not just to do with love," Tonks rolled her eyes. "Okay, read this," she cleared her throat after finding the correct page, and put on her Hermione voice. "Scorpios can be very charming as well as aggressive, and their interest and abilities in the sexual sphere are well known. Like Virgos, Scorpios lead hidden lives and often cultivate an air of mystery around them."
Remus laughed a little at this, but Sirius shook his head.
"That's a load of rubbish. It's just a coincidence, and what the hell is a sexual sphere? People take all the fun out of sex these days..." Sirius tutted, but Tonks hadn't given up yet.
"Ooh,this'll make you laugh," she giggled. "Scorpios love their homes and spend as much time there as possible..." Remus laughed at this also.
"Well, that's spot on," he said. "I mean, you can tell Sirius has an undying passion for this place..."
"Scorpios have high sexual needs that you may or may not be able to satisfy. They find it stimulating to have you over to their place. Hahaha, he's got a thing for those moth-eaten curtains, obviously. Aww, look, he's going red, bless him!Ooh, friends and family: Scorpios are very selective in their choice of friends, so if you are picked to be one, you should feel honoured."
"Aww, thanks, Pads!" Remus smiled at him, rather patronisingly.
"Scorpio friends will usually contact you when they want to enjoy themselves, celebrate, or just go out on the town."
"Ugh, used to be every Friday night...honestly, it was impossible..."
"After telling your Scorpio friend a problem, they will come up with a solution when they are good and ready."
"And did I, or did I not, come up with the idea of us turning into animagus'?" Sirius smiled smugly. Tonks had now found the roommate chapter.
"Let's see how accurate this is, then. They are not known for their interest in cleaning,"
"Don't remind me! I was the only one who would actually clean it up! And I still am most of the time," Remus added, as an afterthought.
"And you did a good job of it, mate." Sirius patted him on the back.
"Scorpio siblings can develop intense rivalries with their brothers and sisters,"
"No, never," Remus replied sarcastically. "I won't believe that. Him and Regulus were just so close, you could never see one without the other..."
"Lets read Pisces," Sirius said, changing the subject and refering to Remus' star sign. "This'll be a laugh." he snatched the book off of Tonks so that he could read it out.
"Shoulder to cry on, yes, yes, that's him. Will not always cooperate, usually for personal reasons, mmm, yes, full moon could potentially be a problem unless you like partying with the wolf. Ooh! The Pisces First Date..."
Remus had already started going red.
"Will often immediately be responsive to your advances...you dirty slut, Moony! ...Will be appreciative of your personality, in particular of its more unusual qualities. It's like a love story written for the two of you..."
Remus laughed nervously.
"Well..." he stammered. "I mean...it's..."
"Expensive clothing is not a strict requirement. Well I'd bloody hope not, you'd be a bit of a hypocrite if you wanted your partner wearing expensive clothing. Gosh, Moony...Sex with Pisces is usually never-ending and frequent...excuse me?"
Both Sirius and Tonks looked at Remus and burst out laughing. It would have been impossible for Remus to be a brighter shade of red, but it wasn't over.
"They can be accused of just being easily excited or turned on..." and that was it. Sirius was on the floor. Tonks was giggling out of her mind and was also turning a little bit red, but out of laughter or embarrassment on his behalf, he wasn't sure which. She picked up the book that Sirius had dropped in order to continue reading it.
"Aww! It says you have low-self esteem which makes you feel useless, that's weirdly adorable."
"No," Sirius interrupted again. "That's what he wants you to think, see? That's his way of getting you into bed, so that he can have never-ending sex with you..." and he was in a fit again. Remus was tempted to kick him, but decided against it. He snatched the book off of Sirius so he could read it.
"Want to lead unambitious lives, but tend to have the most extraordinary lives."
Remus considered this.
"Well...I guess being a werewolf isn't exactly normal..." he shrugged. His attempt at changing the subject, however, didn't work. His friends were still in hysterics. He sighed, and flicked back to the Scorpio pages, trying to find something to embarrass Sirius.
He frowned slightly as he skimmed through the page, then his eyes widened in delight when he came across the perfect sentence.
"At least I don't get withdrawal symptoms if sex is withheld..." he said, his eyebrows raising in boastfulness. Sirius immediately stopped laughing and glared at him.
"What?" he muttered, though he heard perfectly. "Give me that," he said, attempting to snatch the book out of Remus' hands, however, Remus had quick reflexes and moved it out of his reach. Tonks was in a non-stop giggle fit. Whenever she did stop giggling, she started again almost immediately.
"Tonks, what are you?" Remus asked, patiently.
"Leo," she replied, still chuckling. "Oh dear, I wonder what this'll say..."
Remus flicked through the book, finding the Leo chapter. When he had found it, he cleared his throat, before Sirius could interupt again; but he was too late.
"I love how you automatically skip to the Love pages..." he said, sniggering. Remus glared at him, yet again, and turned the page, which, incidently was the Sex with the Leo Lover section. Remus didn't appear to notice, and proceeded to clear his throat again and read.
"Leos tend to be..." he stopped reading and went red. Sirius peered over his shoulder to see what the fuss was about and laughed loudly.
"Why are you reading about sex?" he laughed, causing Remus more embarrassment. Sirius took the book out of his hands again and read it in his head.
"You two are the perfect match, sex wise..." he laughed. Remus put his head in his hands, and Tonks went red. "They will generally expect frequent sex of a high quality...high quality? Maybe not then..."
"How would you know what...quality...my...love making...is, Sirius?" Remus said slowly, picking his words carefully as if he was going to offend somebody.
"Yeah...unless..." Tonks' eyes widened. "You two had a passionate phase during your school years whereby you were head over heals for eachother; your parents, Remus, were okay with it, but Sirius' parents disowned him, which was the real reason he left, and then he came to live with you. The next few following years, the whole Voldemort thing happened and Sirius went to Azkaban. During this time, you were on your own, and realised that you couldn't live without him, so when he escaped from Azkaban you went to Hogwarts so that you wouldn't get hurt by love again. When you two romantically reunited, and Sirius came to stay at yours for a bit in 'hiding', but you then moved back into here because Sirius is your sugardaddy, and you like big houses and stuff. Am I right?"
Remus and Sirius stared at her.
"No." they both said, at the same time.
"Good," Tonks let out a sigh of relief.
"'Good'?" Sirius repeated. "Why would it be so bad if me and Remus were together?"
"Because if Remus was gay, then-" she cut off, letting too much out.
And that was all Sirius needed – Tonks would never hear the end of this.
That's such a terrible ending, apologies! Was completely stuck on where to go from here, sorry sorry sorry!
Review please :)