Author's Note: I had so much fun writing chapter 38 of The DysFUNctional Pirates, so I decided to write a director's cut of it. For those of you that don't know what happened in that chapter, it was a parody of The Hunger Games trilogy. Please keep in mind that some things will be changed, because it's a director's cut of the chapter. Have fun reading this fun fic while I have fun writing it!
Disclaimer: Suzanne Collins owns The Hunger Games and Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece. I only own the Capricorn Pirates, my OCs for One Piece.
I wake up, and the first thing I feel is a heavy weight on me, and a ton of fur.
Goddamn it. Aria's bear is sleeping with me. He probably got nightmares involving Rebecca Black or Chuck Testa or Rick Astley, since today's Reaping Day.
With a sigh, I grab my cattle prod and prod Bepo - Aria's bear - with it. When Aria adopted him, Bepo was a hot mess - He had low self-esteem, he had a gun collection, he had fleas, and he liked odd music. Aria single-handedly cured Bepo of everything but the strange music addiction.
"I'm sorry," Bepo apologizes to me. I just glare at him as I get dressed.
"Get back in your cage," I say before I put my hair up in my signature ponytail and put on my glasses. I then leave my house, where I'm going to catch some food.
I live in a nation known as "Panem", which consists of 12 Districts. I live in District 12, the Monty Python District. I live in the poorest neighborhood of District 12, which we call "The Dirty, Hungarian Phrasebook". That says something about us. We ARE NOT Parsole pig-dogs, thank you very much.
Back to my story, I pass the local Target and the coal mines on the way to the field I like to go to when I want to read my favorite form of literature, yaoi. But, I shudder when I pass the coal mines. My dad was a great miner before he died at work. Was he killed in a mine explosion? No, he was a pimp that got into a shoot-out with another pimp.
I then slip under the electrical fence seperating me and my "yaoi fields", which is supposed to be on for exposition purposes that will show up later. I then grab a bow and some arrows from a hollowed-out tree, and I make my way to the field.
I turn around, and I see Holden Sarutobi, the Memetic Sex God of the District (or, at least at my school). Thick, blue-and-black hair, a brooding stare, dat ass... Am I in love with him? No, I love yaoi more him.
"Zura ja nai, Katsura da!" I yell, quoting Gintama when I wasn't supposed to. You see, my real name is Hana Yakushi. When I first met Holden, I said "Katniss Everdeen", because I forgot that I wasn't Katniss Everdeen.
"Are you on your period? You must be craving this," Holden says as he pulls a loaf of bread from Hammerspace. I grab the bread and shove the entire thing into my mouth. The only bread I eat is that crap we make from the tessarae-issued grain.
"Shut up," I say with my mouth full.
"Then why are you eating the whole loaf?" Holden asked me.
"I have no shame," I answer before swallowing my bread. "I mean, the Hunger Games start today. Twelve boys, twelve girls, only one wins fame, fortune, and PTSD."
"Yep. Happy Hunger Games," Holden says.
"And, may the odds be -" I say before I laugh really hard. Why am I laughing at peoples' expenses? It's the 69th Hunger Games, and 69 is a funny number, because it reminds me of yaoi.
"Ever in your favor," Holden adds. I stop laughing and take a few breaths.
"Oh, my God. This is going to be a hilarious year," I say. It'll sure beat last year, where the arena was Shanghai during World War II. After a moment of silence, Holden speaks.
"We could do it, you know. Run away to Mexico and start life anew. Don't worry about learning Spanish, we can buy a Rosetta Stone when we get to Mexico City," Holden explains.
"I can't. I don't have a passport," I say. Holden sighs.
"I can make a fake one for you, okay?" Holden offered. I grinned.
"Okay. You get on that after the Reaping, okay?" I say.
After hunting, fishing, and more hunting and fishing, we go to Target to trade with Granny Tsuru. Somehow, this Target became 25% black market, and all illegal trades are done at either the Starbucks, the electronics counter, the check-outs, the garden center, or the Pizza Hut.
"Granny Tsuru, how did Target become a partial black market?" I ask her as I give her some fish. Tsuru just glared at me.
"I couldn't get a liquor license. Now, stop talking about Target before somebody calls the cops on us," Tsuru explained as she handed me used panties from Victoria's Secret. It's for my mom. We can't afford Victoria's Secret, but she really loves their products.
On the way home, we pass Sadie Hawkins, the mayor's daughter. She dressed in a nice outfit that shows off much of her legs and a little bit of her clevage. A gold pin is pinned to one of her boobs.
"Nice pin!" Holden calls out to Sadie, who gives him a dirty look before walking away. I kick Holden in the nuts for staring at Sadie.
"Ow! See you at the Reaping! Don't wear steel-toed boots!" Holden winces in pain before falling to the ground.
"I won't!" I say before I run home. When I get home, my mother, Boa Hancock, is dressed in a slutty sundress, as usual. Aria's Reaping Day outfit isn't much better - A white, collared shirt that is backless, a black tie, a black, leather miniskirt, and black, high-heeled boots. I facepalm.
"Don't worry, Hana. Your Reaping Day outfit is conservative," Mom reassures me as she pulls out a red dress with black polka dots on it, a black sweater, and black flats. I sigh.
"Well, whatever floats your boat," I say to her before going to my room to get changed.
Aria and mom probably got their Reaping Day outfits from Forvever 21, or H&M, or some other awesome clothing shop. I probably got my Reaping Day outfit from the kid's section of Nordstrom or Macy's. Why?
All of my fellow teenagers are staring at me for my childish dress. Yes, the boy next to me said he saw my dress in the window of a kids' clothing shop.
I look to the stage and toward the Justice Building, averting all prying eyes. On the stage sit Sadie and her family, and District 12's only living victor, Thierry Brighton. Currently, he is drunk as a skunk, which happens everyday. I'm not surprised that Thierry showed up drunk to the reaping. Also there is Bon Kurei, our District's escort to the Capitol and a "Sweet Transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvannia".
Did I mention that attendance to this thing is mandatory unless you're dying? Some guy ditched this event two years ago just so he could go to Las Vegas. He was tazed several times when he got home.
At 2 o'clock on the dot, the fun begins when Mayor Hawkins tells us about the history of Panem for the millionth time. Since I've heard it so many times, I've memorized it. It goes something like this:
It was a sunny day in May back in 2008 in Los Angeles, California. All was well, until a fire broke out on the Universal Studios backlot. Said fire destroyed many film sets, including a wardrobe that led to a place called "Narnia". Because Narnia - at the time; they discovered more wardrobes leading to Narnia - was cut off from the rest of the world, the entire kingdom fell apart, split off into 13 Districts, and re-named itself "Panem" because the guy who took over after the fire was a crazy ex-pirate named "Gol D. Roger". He was a dictator, and, understandably, people rebelled. Roger was killed in the rebellion, and his last words were: "My secrets to being an awesome leader? It's yours for the taking! I've left it all in One Piece!" Unfortunately, crazy dictators took over, destroyed one District, and instituted the Hunger Games, a yearly competition where 12 boys and 12 girls enter an arena. Only one makes it out alive and gets fame, fortune, and mind-scarring memories.
Basically, the moral of that story was this: Camping sucks. Oh, and Gol D. Roger ruined many childhoods by destroying Narnia.
While Mayor Hawkins rambles on, I take this time to ogle Holden. That black fedora he's wearing for the Reaping looks mighty sexy on him. And, that blue, collared shirt matches those soft strands of hair he dyes. Oh, I just want to smell his hair dye!
"Happy Hunger Games! May the odds be ever in your favor!" Bon Kurei shouts. I mentally flip him off, since he broke my concentration on Holden. "It's time to pick our Tributes for the 69th Hunger Games! Ladies first!"
Bon Kurei puts his hand into a giant fishbowl, and pulls out a slip of paper.
What the hell?
Ending Note: Review if you want to see the male Tribute of District 12!