A/N: *Looks at her readers nervously* Uh...hello? Anyone home? Hi! *waves* Very long time, no update, huh? No need to take a double take, you are about to read an actual chapter! I bet many of you are muttering, "It's about damn time!" And I don't blame you, lol. So...its been over a year since the last update and I can tell you all of the reasons why I took this long...but, I won't, yet! You all want to read, so lets get to it :) First let me just apologize, I feel so awful that I just...skipped town, so to speak :( I never meant to let a year go by, yikes! I really hope this chapter, all in Grouchward's pov btw, will make it up for my absence. Okay, chat with you more at the end!
Disclaimer: Not mine but SM's of course! However, this storyline and characterizations, are mine! Copyright. L.K. 2015
My beta is the super awesome Serenshadow, we've been a dynamic duo for about four years! I'm beyond thankful for her kick ass beta skills, thank you bb! And to my pre-reader, the very lovely, my bestie Darcyfitz1, thank you! If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have posted this chapter for a long time! Thank you for believing in me! And finally, a huge thanks to Payton79 for being one of Grouchward's biggest fans! Thank you for always cheering me on hun!
***Before you continue on, perhaps you should glance at the last chapter to refresh your memory. This chapter picks up right after chapter 11**
Chapter 12: Remembering Kate
"Ah… yes I am. How may I help you, Officer?"
"I need you to come with me; your wife has been in an accident."
Those words that day forever altered my world.
Gazing at the beach solemnly, I watch as the foamy clear water rolls over the sand. It's so peaceful here. Kate really loved La Push. We visited First Beach at least every other week. We spent many evenings here enjoying a picnic dinner on the sand while watching the sunset. And when the sky turned dark, we would lie on the blanket hand in hand and stare up at the stars.
This was our place; it meant so much to us. That's why I haven't set foot here in a long time. The memories were just...too much to bear.
I close my eyes, releasing a gust of air out of my mouth. My chest constricts and a sharp pain assaults my heart as flashes of Kate's bloodied, lifeless body invades my mind.
I shake my head to clear my mind of the horrifying, gut-wrenching images. "I'm sorry...so truly sorry, Katie. I'll always be sorry." I whisper in a quivering, broken tone.
I open my eyes slowly as they prick with tears and I swallow thickly.
I had planned on saying some more to her, but now, I'm at a loss for words. Being here again is taking more of a toll on me than I had anticipated. I thought I was ready; I thought I was strong enough to do this.
Why am I doing this to myself?
I stare up at the dark colored sky, inhale deeply, and rub my face with the palms of my hands. Carefully, I sit down on the ground beside the cross and pull my knees against my chest.
I remember a conversation Kate and I had a couple of months before her death. I should have noticed the signs then that something was going on with her. She looked torn that morning, sad too. So when she brought up the subject of us starting a family, it caught me off guard. Little did I know then she might have already been pregnant with either our child, or his.
Burning wetness coats my eyes as my mind takes me back to that morning.
The sounds of rain lightly tapping on the window caused my body to stir and I woke up, immediately noticing the other side of the bed was empty. I searched around the room with sleepy eyes and found Kate standing by the window, lost in thought.
With a smile, I slipped out of the bed and walked towards her.
"Good morning, beautiful," I murmured into her ear as I wrapped my arms around her. "Did the rain wake you?"
She shook her head and leaned into my embrace. "No, I just...had a dream,"
I watched her intently as she gazed at the glass with a wistful expression on her face.
"Hey, are you alright? What was it about?" A feeling of concern struck my chest. I hope she didn't have a nightmare.
Kate shrugged casually, a tiny smile creased her lips. "It was nothing, I don't even remember it. Don't worry, I'm fine."
Unconvinced of her reassurance, I turned my wife around to look at her in the eyes. "Are you sure, sweetheart?"
She nodded slowly and grinned. "Yes, I'm sure. Really."
Kate then rested her head on my shoulder and I pulled her closer to me, embracing her gently. An easy moment of silence passed before she broke it, whispering, "Eddie?"
Kate exhaled quietly and stammered, "Have you given any more thought about...uh," She paused, pulled out of my arms and gazed at me tentatively. "Us...starting a family?"
Whoa, that was sort of unexpected; we haven't discussed that subject in quite some time. A grin tugged on my mouth as I thought about the wonderful possibility of us becoming parents. I leaned down and kissed the top of her head softly. "Yes, of course I have. I assume you have as well,"
A theory then crossed my mind and I blurted out excitedly, "Wait, are you-"
Kate shook her head, a remorseful look etched on her face. "No, I'm not, yet." She laughed lightly. "But, we can think about working on that."
I flashed a suggestive smile and looked at her playfully. "No need to suggest that twice."
Kate giggled and swatted my arm teasingly. "I can just imagine...an adorable, bronzed haired little boy running around and playing in the backyard yard, can you?"
My face lit up as I envisioned our son, or daughter, beautiful, happy, and full of life. It's perfect.
"Sounds amazing, my love. I'm ready, whenever you are."
Kate's eyes sparkled with happiness, her lips lifting up into a gorgeous smile. "Me too, I'm so ready, Edward. I love you."
"I love you too, baby," Our lips then met for a slow, tender kiss. But before things grew heated, Kate took a step back and wrapped her hand in mine.
"Speaking of ready, I'm ready to go back to bed now. Care to join me, Mr. Masen?" The seductive gleam in her eyes made me instantly aroused and I followed as she led us over to the bed.
Moments later, our clothes were scattered all over the bedroom floor and Kate was on top, making slow, gentle love to me.
I can still feel her soft, warm skin rubbing on mine.
I can still feel her satin lips kissing me fervidly.
I can still feel her damp heat covering my length.
Unfortunately, the happiness from that morning didn't last as things shifted between us a couple of weeks later.
I was home from work earlier than Kate one evening so I decided to take advantage of it and take a quick shower. After I finished and got dressed in more casual clothing, I made my way downstairs, only to halt mid step when I surprisingly heard Kate's voice coming from the living room.
"I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying so hard to be happy. But...I'm not sometimes. Things have changed between us...he sees it I think. I mean, I have changed,"
My eyebrows furrowed in confusion as my lips pulled into a frown. What is she talking about? What does she mean she isn't happy and that things have changed with us? Thinking about it, Kate has been a little moody lately. When I had expressed my concerns to her about her behavior, she assured me that she was fine. Why did she lie to me?
I shook my head, upset at myself for listening in on what's clearly a private conversation. I wonder who Kate is speaking to anyway. And if she is talking about me, then why won't she discuss these issues with me instead? It stings a bit that she was confiding to someone else.
I wasn't sure whether I should interrupt, or head back upstairs to give her some privacy. Feeling guilty, I turned around and quietly climbed up the stairs, only to stop again when Kate spoke.
"I...can't. No, I won't! I can't hurt him..." her voice lowered and I carefully climbed down to the very last step so I could get a better listen. "I just...have to end it. It's already gone too far. You know I love him Tan, and that's why, for him, I'll do what I have to do. He never needs to know."
I never need to know, what? What on earth is she talking about? Maybe this isn't about me. But, it has to be. Confusion and dread hit my chest. How did Kate hurt me? What did she mean by that? What's going on?
Why is she confiding to Tanya of all people about our marriage? Sure, Tanya is her sister, but Kate would never speak to her about our personal business. At least, I would hope so. Kate has always turned to her other sister Irina for guidance instead.
I had heard enough, I needed to speak with my wife to get to the bottom of her cryptic words. I walked over to the living room and made my presence known by clearing my throat loudly. Kate lifted her head up from where she was sitting on the sofa and her eyes met mine.
A panicked expression etched on her face as her eyes widened. "Ah, hey, hon." She acknowledged me nervously and then spoke to her sister, "Um, Tanya, I have to go. Talk to you, later? Love you, too."
Kate then ended the call and placed her cell down on top of the coffee table, avoiding my burning gaze. She sighed quietly as she leaned against the sofa and spun around to face me. "So, how was your day?" She asked in a much too cheerful voice that raised my suspicions.
Though her face appeared calm, guilt was written in her eyes. I shook my head in disbelief. She was seriously asking me about how my day went! She knew I stood there and heard more than enough of her conversation. I glared at her incredulously and she lowered her head, tearing her eyes away from mine.
After she sucked in a deep breath and exhaled, she murmured, "How long were you standing there?"
"Long enough," I admitted in a sharper tone than intended.
Kate continued to stare down at her lap and ran her hands through her long hair nervously. "H-how much...did you h-hear?"
I took another step towards her and placed my hands inside my pants pocket. "More than I probably should have," I licked my dry lips and tried to pay no mind to the rapid beating of my heart as it hammered frantically against my chest.
The room became uncomfortably quiet as I waited for her to say something. Surely she wanted to give me an explanation, squash my fears and assure me that I have nothing to worry about. However, I'm unable to cast my feelings aside. I can't just put this behind me and pretend I didn't hear what she said. I needed to know what it was all about.
Kate's soft voice pulled me out of my thoughts. "You shouldn't have been listening, Eddie."
What?! Did she seriously just say that? How am I in the wrong here? She was the one who was discussing our personal business behind my back! Granted, she was right. I shouldn't have eavesdropped. But, that's beside the point, isn't it?
I looked at her evenly as my jaw tightened, and inhaled deeply to compose myself. I didn't want to argue with her. In all of our years of marriage, Kate and I rarely fought. Sure we had our shares of disagreements in the pasts, what couples don't. However, we always worked things out before they grew too out of hand.
I sighed, scratching the back of my neck hesitantly. "You're right," I finally said. "I shouldn't have...but I did."
I walked towards her, planted myself down on the couch, and shifted to face her. "Can you please explain about the things you said?"
Kate's gaze remained on her hands that were crossed on her lap as she whispered, "Such as? What did you hear exactly?"
Oh come on, she was not going to dance around this! She owes me an explanation. We need to talk things out; I'm determined to get to the bottom of this. I want things to be right with us. I want my wife happy, not miserable. The thought of her being down because of me deeply hurts. I need to fix this somehow.
I tried a different approach and gently took her hands in mine. Finally, her eyes flitted to mine and I notice they're filled with tears. My heart tugged and I wanted to take her in my arms so badly. "Sweetheart, you know I've been...concerned about you lately and-"
Kate exhaled in frustration and pulled her hands free out of mine. "And I had told you that I am fine, Eddie. Just been having...off days lately."
I groaned internally. That's the same explanation she's already given me a couple of times recently. It still doesn't explain the things she had said to Tanya.
Lightly, I touched her arm, coaxing her to look at me. "I know that, Katie, I understand, well I've been trying to. But it still...what you said on the phone; what did you mean when you said that you're going to end things, that its gone too far, and I'll never need to know. What does it all mean?"
My heart thundered violently as I anxiously waited for her response. She will clear this entire thing up. This was just a misunderstanding, it just had to be.
After a torturous length of silence, Kate muttered in a tiny, bleak voice, "Y-you don't understand, Edward...I..."
Of course I don't understand; she's given me shit to go on!
I tried to keep a firm grip of the patience I had left and reached over to stroke her cheek gently. "Then help me, Kate, help me understand what's going on with you. With us. Are you...unhappy, like you said? What can I do to fix things?"
My eyes implored with hers as she gazed at me ruefully. It crushed me to see her this way and the fact that it was my doing pains me even more. I just wanted her to open up to me, like she did with Tanya. How could we get through this if she continued to shut me out?
Kate swallowed as a single tear slipped out of her eye and rolled down past her cheek. Before I could, she quickly swiped it away with the back of her hand and sniffed. "I want to, Eddie. God, I want to, but I don't even understand it myself. I just need to work this out alone,"
Alone? No, that was the last thing she should do. We needed to sort things out together. I believe with all of my heart that we can get through this, whatever it is.
I placed my hand over hers again and squeezed it softly. "Sweetheart, I need you to open up to me. We have always been able to tell each other anything, but lately…you've been pulling further and further away from me. When I asked you about it days ago, you insisted that you were fine and I believed you. But, just now, I heard you confiding in Tanya-"
"Eddie, please…don't," Kate sighed and glanced away. The last slip of patience I had dissipated and was replaced with irritation. I was growing tired of the tiptoeing around, I deserved some answers.
Without thinking, I blurted out probably the worst thing to suggest. "Maybe we should give Carmen a call, have a session with her."
I never imagined things would come to this point, where we would need to see a therapist for our marriage. However, if that's what it took to get things back on track between us, so be it.
Kate's eyes flashed in fury as she leaped off of the couch and whirled around to face me. "Y-you think I need to see a shrink, Edward? What do you think…that I'm depressed or something?"
Why is she overreacting about this?
I shook my head and threw her a reassuring gaze. "No, honey, I don't think you're depressed. I said that we should speak to Carmen, maybe she can help with whatever is going on with us."
Kate huffed as she folded her arms over her chest and frowned. "We don't need a therapist, Eddie. We are just fine; we can work this out ourselves."
Is she serious? Why is she being so stubborn? What is going on with her?
Once again I allowed my annoyance to bring out the worst in me, gesturing my hands up in the air and snapped, "We're fine? Seriously Kate, we're anything but. You're not fine. Something's clearly wrong but instead of confiding to your husband, you spill to Tanya of all fucking people! Why her, Kate? Why not Irina?"
My wife glared at me in disbelief, "Because she's my sister, Edward, that's why."
I snorted and rolled my eyes, "Yeah, some sister she is. The very one who has tried to get in my pants multiple times over the years, who has tried to split us apart…you're seeking advice from her-"
Kate's hand then smacked my right cheek, hard. I looked at her in shock as the stinging pain started to burn my skin. I can't believe she hit me! Served me right, I had it coming. I deserved her anger, every last bit of it.
"You asshole," she spat through clenched teeth, her greys flashing heatedly at me.
My heart sank, the guilt weighing heavily on me over the insensitive things I had just said. I reached my hand out towards her and she jerked away furiously as she moved a few steps back. Tears stung the back of my eyes and my stomach twisted in agony.
"Kate…god, I can't believe…I shouldn't have said that. I am so-"
She rose up her hand to silence me and shook her head repeatedly. "Save it. I'm done, this conversation is over."
Kate then turned her back to me, stalked out of the living room and headed towards the stairs. What are you doing? Stop her!
Quickly, I sprung up off the sofa and called out, "Kate, wait, please…I'm sorry."
I watched helplessly as my wife stomped up the stairs, directed to our bedroom, and then slammed the door shut. I shut my eyes tight, blinking back the tears that nearly escaped. Alright, what the hell just happened?
I took a deep breath and tried to pull myself together as I started pacing around the living room. How could I have let this happen? Jesus Christ, why didn't I just think before I said that shit to her! I really fucked up this time. I stopped my movements for a moment and ran my hands through my hair, tugging on the ends in frustration. God, I feel horrible, beyond horrible. I didn't mean to hurt her. I wish I could take those words back. If only I could turn back the time, I would have handled all of this differently.
I love her so damn much; I just have to make this right. We can get through this, we just have to. I glanced up at the stairs and sighed. Should I wait and give her some space or just head on over to the room right now and make up with her? I decided to wait for a few minutes, to give us some time to cool down. Needing a distraction, I cleaned the kitchen, washing a few dishes that were stacked in the sink and wiping the counters clean. Once I finished, I stole a look at the wall clock and inhaled sharply. I wasn't sure how much time had passed by but if I were to guess maybe only about ten minutes.
Alright, times up, Masen, quit being a fucking coward and go talk to her!
I released a trembling breath and timidly headed upstairs, my heart thumping erratically with each step I took. Finally, after what seemed like hours more than seconds, my hand clasped around the door handle. Slowly, I turned it, opened the door, and quietly entered inside.
"Kate, honey?" I crossed two steps and stopped abruptly when I noticed my wife lying on her side on the bed, facing the window.
She was clutching a pillow firmly against her chest and my heart cracked as I listened to her muffled sobs. Carefully, I moved my way over to the bed and sat down on the edge, right beside her. I turned to face her, placing my hand on top of her shoulder gently. I hate that I am the reason for her pain.
I swallowed back the lump that made home in the middle of my throat and then murmured, "Katie? Baby, I'm so, so deeply sorry. What I said was completely uncalled for."
Tenderly, I stroked her hair, gliding my fingers slowly through the thick strands. "Please, forgive me. I want us to…we need to talk this out some more,"
Kate shook her head and inhaled sharply. "No, we don't, Eddie. I'm through with talking."
The harsh tone in her voice made my chest tighten and I mumbled worriedly. "But, Kate, as difficult as this is, I really think we should-"
I cut myself short as Kate spun around to meet my gaze. Her beautiful eyes were red from crying and tears stained her face. My heart just broke a little more and as I opened my mouth to apologize once again, Kate leaned up and placed her soft hands on my cheeks.
"I just…I don't want to talk about it anymore. I need you right now, Edward. Please." Her blue-greys were etched with somber and lust as she looked at me pleadingly. I blinked in confusion as she then pressed her lips to mine urgently.
I moaned into her mouth as she deepened the kiss and slowly eased her tongue past my parted lips. I kissed her back rougher and our tongues circled frantically. Things became more passionate quickly and before long I was lying down on the bed with my wife straddled on top of me.
She rotated her hips back and forth, grinding on my body hard as she placed hot, open mouthed kisses down my throat. My cock began to swell and I matched her thrusts, placing my hands on her hips as I gazed at her lustfully. God, she feels so good…
"Eddie, I want you, please." Kate whispered in a tone laced with arousal. She then tugged on the back of my shirt and I leaned forward, lifting up my arms so that she could remove it with ease.
Her eyes hungrily roamed up and down my chest as she licked her lips. "Edward,"
Before I had the chance to respond, Kate started to kiss and suck on my jawline, leaving a trail of fire down my neck, my stomach, and stopped when she reached the top of my jeans. Quickly, her fingers unbuttoned and unzipped them and then her warm hand grabbed a hold of my now very hard length. I hissed through clenched teeth, the sensation caused shivers to race up and down my spine.
God, I wanted her. I wanted us to make love so desperately but…we shouldn't. Not until we discuss everything that unfolded between us minutes before. I still deserved some answers. I shook my head forcefully to clear the erotic trance I was under and placed my hand firmly on Kate's shoulder. "Kate, baby, stop,"
She ignored me, attempting to pull my pants down and I sat up, pushing her gently off me as I scooted away from her. I felt beyond horrible for putting a stop to this but I couldn't allow us to escalate further until we cleared the air.
Kate huffed agitatedly as she moved next to me and asked in a quiet, wounded voice, "What's the matter, Eddie? Why did you pull away? Don't you want me?"
Yes, oh God yes! Of course I do. But, not like this. I can't help but wonder if she was seducing me on purpose to make me forget about our argument. I hate thinking that way and I hope I am wrong but…
I gave her a soothing look and reached over to take her hand in mine. "Of course I want you sweetheart, you know I do. But,"
Kate narrowed her eyes and breathed out exasperatedly. "But, what? What's the problem then?"
I ran my free hand through my hair and then dropped it on my lap. "The problem is…that we need to talk about what happened downstairs, about what I overheard, about the things we said,"
"I told you, Eddie, I'm through with talking." Kate perched herself on top of me again and placed her hands against my cheeks. She stared at me intently, her blue-grays filled with such emotion and desperation. "I forgive you, Edward, for what you said about Tanya. Look, this was my entire fault to begin with, not yours. I'm sorry you heard what you did, so sorry,"
I nodded my head as a wave of remorse assailed my heart. "It's alright Kate, I'm just really concerned about-"
She interrupted me midsentence, pressing her finger to my lips. "Can we please just…discuss this later? I'll explain everything…but for now I just need you to take me. Touch me, love me,"
Her silky lips then met mine for a searing kiss and I finally surrendered to her, giving in to my desires. I wanted her; I wanted to show her how much I love her. I wanted things to be alright between us again. We needed each other.
Much to my dismay, the discussion that Kate had assured me we would have, never happened that night. Every time I tried to bring it up, she would dismiss me, promising that she was doing better and we were good. Several days later, we finally talked about the fight and she provided me with very little answers regarding the things I overheard her tell her sister on the phone that day. Kate managed to convince me that she wasn't keeping anything from me, it was her mood swings that brought her down and she didn't mean any of the things she had said. Because I wanted us to be alright so badly, I foolishly believed her explanations and closed the subject after that. My wife was back to her old self again and we were doing stronger than ever…until the night of her accident.
Thunder booming in the distance forces me out of my memories and back to the present. I exhale slowly, wiping my damp cheeks with the back of my hands and do my best to collect myself. My eyes then land on the white cross and I gaze at her name sorrowfully.
Suddenly, a bolt of pain and anger strike a chord deep inside me and I find myself yelling, "Why did you lie to me, Kate? Why did you make me stupidly believe that we were okay? Why didn't y-you…tell me about him? How could you fucking do this to me, to us?"
Raising myself up off the ground, I kick at the dirt in a fit of rage. The damn tears made a comeback once again and I sobbed for what felt like hours until I couldn't any more.
Weak and emotionally drained, I sit down on the ground and bury my head between my legs, sucking in a sharp breath. This is too much. Being here is stirring up too many memories. I naively thought that coming here would help somehow with my road to healing. Instead, I'm feeling more lost than ever and still seeking the answers that I'm unsure I'll ever find.
Lifting up my head, I glance at the dreary gray sky, watching as the storm clouds roll in and then a raindrop lands on my forehead. Suppose I should make a run for it before I get drenched.
"Well…I'm going to leave now." I sigh heavily, rubbing my eyes tiredly with my hands. "Goodbye, Kate,"
As I lift up off the ground and head back to the car, I debate whether to make a stop at the cemetery as well. Unfortunately, I decide against it. It's already been a stressful, very emotional day; coming here was such a monumental step that I never thought I would take. I'm just not ready to revisit her grave, not yet. Not today.
I steal one last parting look at the cross before turning around and getting inside the car, leaving La Push and all of its painful memories behind…for now.
A/N: Well...that was intense, huh? I have to admit, that's partly why it took me so damn long to write this chapter. Months to be exact! After receiving many questions from some of you about Edward and Kate's relationship, I wanted to share their history with you all. I hope this may clear things up, or it might have not. Don't worry, more will be revealed in the near future!
Things will be back to the present in the next chapter and yes, Bella will be back! However, the next two chaps will be in Edward's pov, he wants to be in the spotlight for a bit, lol. Moving on, I want to thank those of you for still sticking around, for not dropping this story off alerts, and a BIG thanks to those of you who had checked in on me to make sure I was still alive! You all know who you are :) Again, I am truly sorry for the lack of updates :( Life has been so hectic for me these past few months with health issues, writers block, family stuff, etc. The good news is I have prewritten two more chapters and plan to continue writing this story, no matter how long it takes! For news about my other stories, check out my profile.
Want to read a little sneak peek from the next chapter? Here you go...
I freeze in place when freakishly tall kid then shouts, "Hey, wait up! Is there something we can help you with, dude?"
Dude? Did he just seriously call me a dude?
Hmm, sounds like Grouchward is pissed! Wonder who had the nerve to call him a "dude"? What do you think that was all about? Feel free to leave me your theories in your review. It would be a really great birthday gift, (my bday is today!) to get a review from all of you! So, please leave Grouchward some love! Till next time, next update will be in about a week and a half. Until then, you can chat with me about my stories on my FB group page, Vampgirl79 Fanfiction and I'm also on Twitter under the name Vampgirl792011.
Love you all, Leslie