A/N: It isn't really...imperative that you read The Impala Improbability, but I would like it if you did. Just be warned it's rated M for a reason. This one's more for the lulz. And scruffy Sheldon yumminess. Alpha!Sheldon is the best Sheldon. ;D
So I wasn't gonna write anything else, but... Impala just got so many faves in just a few days, and...Sheldon a la Dean Winchester just...won't. Go. Away. I blame Atabey Alfonso's review. And Apocalypse Week by Eternal Contradiction. Seriously, if you haven't read that GO DO IT. DO IT NOW. I mean it. Drop this story now and go read Apocalypse Week. Even if you haveread it, go read it again. I know I'm doing it after this.
I apologize for the ridiculousness of the title, but it was literally the only thing I could think of, and...I just love alliteration, ok? I can't help it. It's the poet in me.
ENJOY! REVIEW! PLEASE!
"Penny and I crossed paths upon my arrival. I will be accompanying her to get pizza. She apologizes for any delay." Leonard read the text aloud. Raj and Howard were setting up XBox controllers for Halo night. "Well at least we know where he is."
Penny called ahead and ordered their pizzas. Since they had a bit to wait Penny decided to do some shopping; but not for herself. Oh, no, she's going to take this opportunity to...stir things up a bit.
"Sheldon, would you mind...playing a bit of a prank on the guys tomorrow?"
Sheldon gave it a few seconds of thought. "What kind of prank, Penny?"
"Oh, nothing big, just...something to keep the guys on their toes." She paused and added, "It might even shut up Kripke and Leslie Winkle for a while." Penny bit her lip in hope.
"Well, tomorrow is Anything Can Happen Thursday. And any excuse to silence Kripke and Winkle is a good excuse. What did you have in mind?"
Penny almost squealed in delight. "Ok, first, you can't tell anyone you can drive, or that you have a car. Not tonight, at least..."
As per Penny's instructions, Sheldon woke up earlier than normal so as to not raise suspicion with Leonard. He then showered and fixed his hair the way Penny showed him last night. He skipped his shave, dressed in the clothes they had acquired while waiting for pizza (and some that Sheldon already owned but never wore thanks to Missy), ate his low-fiber cereal as quietly as he could, and left the apartment all before Leonard woke up. He did, however, leave a note that said he'd left early for 'errands' and didn't feel it important to wake him. In actuality, Sheldon had merely gone over to Penny's (quietly so he didn't wake her either, she didn't work until lunch time) and waited until Leonard left. When he had, Sheldon left Penny a note saying he'd relay to her the result of their prank after her shift.
Howard parked his scooter in one of the campus' motorcycle parking spots, eyes looking for Raj. As his eyes scanned the parking lot looking for Raj's car they settled onto the unusual sight of a black classic Chevy pull into faculty parking. Howard couldn't recall anyone driving a classic car, let alone one that awesome, so the sight of the car alone was a surprise.
His jaw nearly came unhinged when the driver got out.
Boots, Wranglers, black t-shirt, open dark blue button-up, dark brown leather jacket, day-old scruff, aviators, and perfectly gelled hair.
Howard immediately called Leonard.
"Hey Howard. What's so important that it can't wait til lunch? I'm kinda in the middle of setting up the laser."
Eyes still wide in shock, he asked, "Uh, Leonard...does Sheldon have a...another twin that we don't know about?"
"No, Sheldon does not have another sibling. There's only Missy and George. Why? What's going on?"
"I don't know, Leonard, but some sort of Sheldon clone wearing jeans, leather, and aviators just drove up in a classic Chevy and parked in a spot labeled 'Dr. Sheldon Cooper, Ph.D.'"
"...I'll be right there."
There was no need to call Raj. The Sheldon clone had parked just a few spaces away from him. He and Howard locked eyes across the lot and stared in bewilderment while the clone opened the back door and grabbed his laptop bag. A second later the building's door opened and Leonard shot out and stumbled down the few stairs to the ground. When he looked up he reacted much like the other two except he was still walking forward, as if in a daze.
The Sheldon clone seemed to finally see them. There was a flash of mischief in his eyes before it fled, leaving only innocent curiosity.
"Hello Leonard, Raj, Howard. How are you on this fine morning?" Sheldon greeted them with a bit of a twang and an easy smile, which put them even more on edge.
Howard was the first to snap back to reality. "Uh, I'm good. How about you, Sheldon clone?"
"Yeah, dude, you didn't tell us you were experimenting with cloning," Raj complained.
Sheldon, mindful of the acting instructions Penny gave him last night ("Cool and aloof, but you can still talk the same. Too much change might give them a heart attack."), slouched a bit and put a hand in his pocket. "I have not been experimenting with cloning. I merely learned to drive and bought a car."
Leonard spluttered, "That's - that's...that's not a car, Sheldon! That's a - "
"That's a sex machine!" Howard finished, Raj nodding next to him.
"Be that as it may, I don't see how that has anything to do with anything." Just keep cool, Sheldon. Be mysterious. Don't twitch, don't smile, don't act as if anything is wrong. Just go about your day as you normally would. "Now if you don't mind, I have actual Nobel prize-winning work to do. Come, Raj. You still work for me."
Raj rolled his eyes. "With you, Sheldon. I work with you."
Lunchtime was the most entertaining for Sheldon. He had to remember to thank Penny later. This was a more than acceptable way to spend Anything Can Happen Thursday. His dramatic enterance to the cafeteria was the high point.
The entire room was silenced, even the kitchen staff. Sheldon continued on to the line as if nothing were out of the ordinary, got his food, and sat with the others. The silence stretched on, everyone staring at him. Finally, Leslie Winkle stood up and walked over to them.
"Did the dumbass hit his head and regress back to his Texan roots?"
The guys were wary of how this new Sheldon would react to Leslie's barbs. To say they were surprised by his response would be an understatement.
"Leslie," he drawled with a smirk. "Today happens to be Anything Can Happen Thursday. I'm makin' the most of it." He winked and their brains stopped working due to shock. "Now, if you don't mind I have a class to teach. Good day." If he had been wearing a hat he would've tipped it. Instead, he merely smiled a little half smile and put his tray away.
"Ok, what the actual hell was that?" Leslie asked, confusion and shock all over her face.
"No idea," Leonard replied to his mashed potatoes. "I'm still waiting for the bazinga."
"He drove here today!" Howard exclaimed. "And parked in a reserved space with his name on it! If this is a prank, it's pretty elaborate and has Dr. Gabelhauser in on it. To some degree, anyway."
Raj looked thoughtful. "You know, for such a clean freak you'd think his pretty classic Impala would be pristine. But I noticed the windshield was smudged in the middle. Like someone had sat on the hood of the car shirtless." The others looked at him incredulously. "What? I did that once. It's like fingerprints on your glasses."
Howard looked around nervously. "I'm telling you guys, he looks too happy and it's starting to scare me."
Penny was just clocking out when one of the other waitresses came up to her looking a little jealous. "Penny, there's a real hot stud-muffin out there waiting for you. If things don't work out with you two have him gimme a call." She winked and Penny laughed. "That's Crazy Hamburger Guy, just FYI." Her jaw dropped. "No way! What did you do to him, Pen?" Penny giggled. "Oh nothin'. Just convinced him to pull a prank on his collegues at work."
She smiled as she got closer to him. "Hey sweetie, how'd it go?"
"Hiya, darlin'," he grinned when she laughed. "It was great, Penny. I left everyone speechless and confused and then walked out the door with no explanation." Sheldon looked excited and a little smug. It was kinda sexy. Then again, everything about Sheldon was sexy right then. Penny had an idea.
"Well, honey, it ain't over yet," she gestured for him to follow her. "Come on, Moonpie, drive me home. I forgot to put gas in my car yesterday and had to take the bus." She ignored his attempts at scolding her for calling him Moonpie and just continued on walking and talking. "Do you own a gun?" she asked.
"Penny, I'm from Texas," he said, as if her common sense had just taken a severe downturn. "They give us guns before we've even attained the proper motor functions to do anything but drool on them. Of course I have a gun. Why do you ask?"
"Because I wanna go down to the firing range. I haven't been in a couple years and I don't wanna go alone. I don't trust strangers with guns."
Sheldon considered her request for a moment then looked at her from under hooded eyelids. "Could this be conceived as a...date?"
Penny blushed a little and smiled. "Why, Dr. Cooper, are you askin' me out on a date?"
Sheldon opened Kitten's passenger door for her. "I am. Do you accept?"
"I would love to," Penny smiled. "Just get me home so I can shower and grab my gun."
Leonard, Raj, and Howard decided that playing Resident Evil 5 was a better way to spend this Anything Can Happen Thursday than at a bar failing to pick up chicks. There was a lull in the game's sounds and they heard Penny's voice outside the door.
"Oh, shoot. I just remembered. I'm out of lubricant. Do you have any?"
They were shocked, once again, when Sheldon replied, "Yes, I just happen to have an extra bottle. I'll just grab my kit and we can get crackin'." So when Sheldon opened the door it was to three incredulous stares.
He stopped in his tracks. "Oh, hello." Penny opened the door further and stood beside him. "Hey guys. What's up?"
Leonard was the first to regain speech. "You wanna catch me up, here, buddy?"
"Oh, you wish to be caught up to speed with the days events. Very well. I woke up early, dressed as per Penny's instructions, proceeded to shock my collegues speechless while entertaining myself greatly in the process, picked Penny up from work, went to the shooting range, and now we're back. I'm just going to get Penny my extra bottle of lubricating oil from my gun cleaning kit since she's run out, then we're going to clean our guns, as is recommended after every firing session." Three blank faces stared back at him.
"I'll just grab my kit and we can go back to your apartment, alright Penny?"
Penny had another idea. Boy, this day was just getting better and better. "Sure thing, sweet cheeks." Penny raised up on her toes and brought Sheldon's head down for a peck on the lips. To her surprise and delight he kissed her back immediately, probably thinking the same as she: their reactions will be priceless. "I'll be waiting." She winked at him and sashayed over to her apartment.
Sheldon walked into his room and back out before the guys' brains restarted again. Once the apartment door shut they were jarred back into reality.
"Sooo... What just happened?" Howard asked.
Raj answered, "Sheldon drives a sexy Impala, shoots guns, and kisses Penny. I don't know if I'm even in the right universe anymore."