Author's Notes: For some reason I find that writing dialogue for Sherlock is quite a bit like writing dialogue for Snape.
A Discourse on Invectives
John kept pace with Sherlock as they walked away from the crime scene. This last one had been... well, disappointing if he was honest with himself. He'd been able to figure it out before the police had. And if he was disappointed then Sherlock...
John took in Sherlock's profile with a flick of his eyes.
Whatever he'd been expecting, pensive certainly wasn't it.
Pensive was different.
And somewhat worrisome.
"Should we grab a bite to eat?" he suggested hesitantly.
Sherlock neither acknowledged him nor broke his stride. John was having to double-step to keep up with the brisk pace.
Evidently Sherlock wanted to walk for a bit.
"Er, Sherlock –"
Sherlock came to a halt so suddenly that John nearly tripped over his own feet.
"He called me a wanker," Sherlock declared.
John blinked. Well, that was quite the non-sequitur.
"Sorry? Who called you a wanker?"
"Anderson, John, weren't you listening?" The detective began to walk again, thankfully at a more normal pace this time.
"Did he?" John asked, thinking back on the last few hours. "Oh right, so he did."
"As usual John, your powers of observation astound me." Sherlock rolled his eyes. "It begs the question why he called me such."
John focused on not smiling. Or laughing. "Maybe because he thinks you are? You were being a bit of an ass back there."
"If they all weren't so insipidly moronic I wouldn't have to be. Anderson in particular. However you've missed my point. Why wanker specifically?" Sherlock waved his arms dramatically. "Honestly, what made him decide to comment on how often I masturbate of all ridiculous things!"
John bit his lip to keep from laughing. "Most people don't think much about the literal meanings of their insults, Sherlock."
Sherlock's face scrunched up in an expression that John was coming to recognize as his 'well, that's stupid' expression. "Ridiculous. If you are going to insult someone wouldn't it be more effective to make some attempt at accuracy? I have noted that most people exhibit a notably more emotional reaction to insults that have some truth in them."
"Is that why you are always commenting on Donovan's sex life?" John asked, genuinely curious.
Sherlock's mouth twitched with the beginnings of a smile. "She and Anderson make it rather easy."
"Jesus, Sherlock," John huffed, attempting to censure him but failing miserably since he wanted to do nothing more than laugh. "Stuff like that is why people hate you so much."
"As if I care for their opinions," Sherlock muttered disdainfully. "Wanker," he repeated under his breath in a disbelieving tone.
"Well, if Anderson was out to bother you he certainly managed it," John noted.
"It is not the attempted insult that bothers me, John," Sherlock informed him. "It's just that I detest improper use of the English language. Not that I should expect any better from the likes of Anderson, asinine as he is."
John smirked. "Maybe you could pick up a dictionary for him?"
Sherlock froze mid-step then gave a barking laugh. "Brilliant, John! I knew there was a reason I kept you around!"
"Nice to be needed," John muttered dryly.
But Sherlock was already plotting and paid him no attention.
John shook his head and smiled fondly.
Sherlock really was a wanker.
But Anderson had it coming.