A/N: Hey! So, I've just finished the PJ&O series (NOW, I know! I'm a late bloomer :P) and I absolutely loved them :) But after scanning through all the fanfics here, I couldn't help but ponder at the...er... quality of some of them. Especially in the Percabeth genre... too many cliches and errors. Not to mention all the other overly sickening fics (Nico x OC, Thalia x Luke, Rachel x Apollo etc etc) It was filled with so many Mary-Sues! So, I stumbled upon the Revolution which is ridding the fan fiction world of all the above, and I decided to contribute!
Anyways, sorry for the long AN...happy reading and PLEASE review! :)
UPDATE: [6 Jan 2013] This has been thoroughly edited, spell-checked, and Grammar Nazi-fied. No major details have changed save a few select lines of dialogue and description. Either way, enjoy!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Percy Jackson and never will... *Sigh*
"I need a barf bag, NOW."
Those were the words Hades, Lord of the Dead and Ruler of Underworld had said as his eyes studied the screen.
He, like a wonderful caring father, had decided to pull up his son Nico's computer and see what he was up to. Of course, that wasn't the real reason... Hades needed to check out the latest news and gossip on Olympus! Online. You see, news came down very slowly here at the Underworld and the last thing he wanted was to lie around all day listening to Persephone complain about the lack of flowers in the Underworld: ("I don't care if its a place for the dead, flowers are for every occasion and besides, all your people could use some brightening up anyways!") and the complaints of dead people saying how unfair their trial was and how they deserved to go to Elysium all the while when Hades could be brushing up on the latest scandals about how Zeus accidentally caused a thunderstorm in Europe when Hera stated he needed a haircut or the rumors about Apollo's latest affair.
Honestly, even the Lord of the Dead needed to know these things for it would make absolutely popular party conversation (that is, of course, unless the person of the rumor is standing in front of you with his eyes glued right at you...)
Anyways, as he flicked through bookmarks on his son's computer which Nico had lent him for the time being, Hades couldn't help but be fascinated at a certain number of links related to a certain thing branded as fanfiction. Whatever that was, Hades selected the link and sat in anticipation.
"Bless, Hermes," he muttered under his breath he said as an ad for 'Hermes WiFi: Internet as fast as my winged sandals!' popped up. Honestly, evil as he may be, even Hades had a certain amount of gratitude to the God of Travel for creating the Internet, (although he personally preferred the guy who invented Google... he heard he was a demigod too). The page loaded as the screen came to life. Hades brushed his eyes over the various links. He saw one that particularly caught his eye. It was titled 'Owls & Fish.' Eagerly, he quickly selected it, only to regret it later on seeing how it had brought an uncomfortable queasy sensation in the lower regions of his stomach.
"annabeth!1!1" percy sayed lloudy. "where are u my luv?" sudenly annabeth apeered. "Ohmygosh percy!1!1!" she wispered. "I luv you anabeth...mary me!1!1!1!" so percy n annabeth got maried n they lived happily evah after!
Omggggg review! heartheartheart
Hades' eyes were glued to the screen in horror. Weren't one of those demigods, Percy Jackson, the infamous son of Poseidon? And the other one, a daughter of Athena? When in the name of Styx did they hook up? Olympus! Online hadn't reported it yet... and furthermore, what was this... form of speech? Surely, it couldn't be classified as writing... was this fanfiction? What the bloody Styx was his son doing reading all of this for? All of these questions flew around Hades' mind space, him already poised to curse whoever abused the English language to such horrendous measures.
Relunctantly, Hades clicked on another link, this one entitled 'Love and Other Fluff."
Annabeth and Percy lay on the beach, carefully entwined with each other, hardly daring to breathe, (At this, Hades snorted. Surely they'd die, wouldn't they?) Annabeth squirmed in Percy's arms.
"Shhhh, my love. Wake up," Percy whispered lovingly. Slowly, both of them awoke. Annabeth looked lovingly into Percy's sea-green eyes, shimmering in the moonlight.
"You are beautiful. I must tell you something, my love." Annabeth nodded softly as tears began to form in her eyes.
"My darling daisy smoothie, believe me. It is nothing bad. I wish to say... I love you, my beautiful Annabeth."
Annabeth burst into tears and wrapped her arms around Percy's neck. Their lips met in a warm embrace. His tongue was begging for entry, which she granted. They mummured as they warmly kissed. The night sky shimmered behind them. Then suddenly a pink light appeared and exploded over them. Pink sparkles fell on them as they slowly parted.
"My beautiful, come and see what I have..." whispered Percy. A rainbow colored unicorn appeared, riding along the pink sparkles. Annabeth gasped and then giggled sweetly. Both of them saddled the unicorn and they tenderly rubbed their noses together.
"I wuv you, my eternal flame of mega-hotness Percy-Wercy," whispered Annabeth.
"I wuv you, my sweet honey dew ice cream, Annie-Wannie-Poo." And so they took off in a shower of pink sparkles, Percy and Annabeth lived happily ever after.
Hades's face was distorted in sheer and utter disgust. Vitriol rose and he resisted the urge to swear out loud.
Curse these wretched imbeciles, he thought. Curse all of them.
"Pink sparkles? Unicorns? Sweet honey dew ice cream? What has the mortal world come to?" he spat in disgust.
This could not be real... he felt nauseated just reading that... A son of Poseidon with a daughter of Athena? Oh, the horror. He prayed that Hades would curse those who wrote this filth, until he remembered he WAS Hades himself. After which, he promptly went to curse 'percypooluvsanniebeth1234' and 'iwuvseaweedbrain33' to a horrible and violent painful death.
He spent several minutes calming himself down from the horrible wrath of hormonal teenage girls and inhaled deeply, savoring every molecule of death-tainted Underworld air. After endless battles with immortal gods, brutal brushes with brave heroes, and encounters with dangerous monsters, there was no way Hades, Lord of the Dead, was going to let himself be damned by a bunch of freaky fan girls. No way that was going to happen.
...that was until he came across a Nico x OC fanfic.
She had, like, the most beautiful hair, which, like, was soooo shiny, which, like, was super pretty that Nico, like, kissed her, like, A BILLION TIMES!1!1!1!
Hades resisted the urge to claw out his eyes and punch the computer screen. Five likes in one sentence; a sentence that made no remote sense; a sentence that had his own godforsaken son in it.
He scanned the rest of the paragraph before letting his palm collide with his face. So many Mary-Sues...so many typos... so much shit in literature was not possible.
He bit his lip until he felt ichor, blood of the gods, seep. This was worse than Apollo's poetry, and Zeus knows how that's possible. Hades muttered curse after curse as he scanned through fanfic after fanfic. There were pairings that made him swallow down the bile rising in his throat.
Thalia/Luke (Luke was dead... a necrophilic relationship? Um, no).
Thalia/Nico (Gag, MAJOR gag for Hades. A child of Zeus with a kid of Hades? Horrifying).
Nico/OC (Too many Mary-Sues, for Zeus's sake, my death-radiating son deserves better!).
Percy/Rachel (Wasn't that Rachel girl an Oracle?).
Rachel/Apollo (Oracle and a God? Hades would've killed himself had he not been immortal).
Artemis/Apollo (Hades had to pound his chest to keep down vomit)
To top it all off, the Lord of the Dead came upon the worst of them all...
In fury and revulsion, Hades picked up the computer, threw it to the ground, trampled it, and spit on it. He had just raised his arm to summon an army of undead soldiers to destroy these fangirls when...
"Dad? Er... That's my computer..." Nico said awkwardly as his eyes scanned the scene. The last thing he (and just about everyone else) wanted to see was his own father, Hades, with his foot midway in the air, his own computer on the floor in bits, and a skeleton army rising behind him.
"Nico? I was...er..." Hades began hastily but lost it before he could say anything further He promptly launched into a rant about how he found those disgusting pieces of so-called literature and how the people who wrote it should be damned to pain and misery.
When he finished, Nico blinked at him. "Y'know Dad, that's what I've been doing. I've been hunting down these... fangirls. I found those things on the Internet and thought the people who wrote it should be... punished."
Hades stared at his son for a while, eerily silent. Nico flinched, he knew his dad would explode and send an army of undead soldiers after him for reading that stuff. He knew it,a nd he expected it.
What he didn't expect was Hades running forward at full speed, bursting into tears, and embracing him. Nico nearly gagged himself on recollection of this scene.
"Oh, my son!" Hades cried in euphoria. "You've learned to embrace death! I'm proud of you, boy! So proud!" Hades hugged him as tightly as he could to musty dead-people-smelling robes.
"Dad - can't breathe - not immorta l- disgusting ship in mind - LET GO OF ME!"
Once Hades let go and wiped away his tears, he went back to serious mode, his faced drawn blank and stoic.
"Alright, Nico. I'll be right back. Go pack your things, we're going on a little trip..." Hades clapped his hands, as if summoning something.
"Where are we going?" Nico inquired, an unsteady feeling rising inside of him.
Hades cracked a malicious grin, an evil laugh already boiling in the base of his throat. "We're going on a father-son bonding trip. We've got some fangirl-hunting to do..."
A/N: If you support the Percabeth Revolution, write an anti-Percabeth or anti-Nico/OC fic or whatever, with the words The Percabeth Revolution first and then your title. Like mine is The Percabeth Revolution: Hades Feels The Wrath. And then, in your author's notes, copy and paste these instructions. I am a proud supporter of The Percabeth Revolution. You can be, too!
Please leave a review! :)