A/N: Hello, and welcome to my new fic. This is going to be a Bella-centric comedy, just a little light-heartedness to take a break from the angst I've written lately. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I'm enjoying writing it!
As always, the characters belong to S.M., and no copyright infringement is intended.
You Looked Better Online
Eric Yorkie was my high school boyfriend. He was also my college boyfriend. And my first job out of college boyfriend. Eric Yorkie was a nice guy. He was the kind of guy that parents like. He hadn't changed a bit since we were fourteen – he was as safe and stable as Wonder bread – but that meant I hadn't been able to change either. And I was bored out of my mind.
Everyone was shocked when I ended it. There had been this whole fairytale wedding followed by grandchildren and happily ever after scenario playing out in our parents' minds, and I felt kind of bad about ruining it for everyone else. But it had to be done. I needed to be free.
As it turns out, freedom is interesting for about ten minutes. It's right around minute number eleven when you realize that you have never done anything, and rather than that opening up a whole series of possibilities of things to do, it means you have no idea what to do.
Sitting on my couch on Friday night watching What Not To Wear on TLC when I realized that I was twenty-seven years old with the social life of a seventy-two year old. Wait, that's not true. Granny Swan actually went out several nights a week – dancing, senior poker, lunch with her lady friends...
Nothing like your granny to remind you of exactly how lame you have become.
That was the train of thought that took me to The Taphouse on Saturday night with my best friend, Leah. The bar had a pretty decent crowd, but the two of us were hidden away in a small booth near the back door drinking glasses of Sam Adams Cherry Wheat Ale.
"It's been eight months," I said. "The sex with Eric may not have been that interesting, but at least I was getting some!"
Leah choked on her beer, nearly spitting it out on the table. "Guess that rabbit isn't cutting it anymore?" she asked, referring to the vibrator she'd given me as a "freedom gift" a month after I broke up with Eric.
I rolled my eyes as I fought off a blush. "SO not the same. Anyway, it's not like I'm just after an orgasm. Don't get me wrong – I like orgasms. A lot, actually. But what I meant was that I want some interaction. I want someone to touch me. Kiss me. You know?"
She nodded sympathetically. It had been a bit of a dry spell for Leah as well. "I know exactly what you mean."
"Hell, at this point," I added. "I'd be happy for someone to talk to me. Last night I had an imaginary conversation with the guy from Criminal Minds."
"Well, he is hot..." Laughing again, Leah set her glass down on the table. "What you need, Bella, is a date."
"I'm not disagreeing. But seeing as how I don't go anywhere but work and home, how am I supposed to get one?"
"There is a way," she said, her eyes sparkling, telling me that she was hatching some sort of diabolical plan that I'd likely come to regret agreeing to later. "What do you think of joining Match dot com?"
I stared blankly at my friend from across the table, one brow slowing raising. "Exactly how lame do you think I am?"
"Do you really want me to answer that?"
"Come on, Bella," she encouraged. "I know several girls at work who tried it. Do you remember Kim? You went to her wedding with me?" I nodded. "She and Jared met on Match!"
"Really?" I was still skeptical. After all, wasn't the internet full of weirdos?
"Yep," she grinned. "Just think about it, ok? I mean, what do you have to lose?"
Only my dignity...
A few hours and two more Sam Adams later, I was sitting in front of my laptop, trying to compose a brief biography of myself.
Hi, I'm Bella. I'm 27 and I work for a publishing house. I spend my days reading manuscripts sent in by wannabe authors, most of whom have no idea how to use a comma, and, despite the fact that they are writing erotica, have likely never have sex. Yes, erotica. I work in the written sex industry. And I don't have sex either. Unless you count the nights I spend with Jack the Rabbit.
Seriously, Bella? T.M.I.
Hi, I'm Bella. I'm 27. I love to read, and I even do it for my job. I like to listen to music too – I like to go see local bands in small bars, but I hardly ever get to do that. My current hobbies tend to revolve around watching reruns on TV.
Could I sound any more boring?
Hi, I'm Bella. I'm 27 years old. I got out of a long relationship earlier this year, and I joined this site in an attempt to meet new people.
Who knew this could be so difficult? , I was now sure, had to be full of pretty awesome people, because anyone else would have given up halfway through this questionnaire.
Hi, I'm Bella. I'm 27 years old and ready to see what the world has to offer. After spending too many years in a lackluster relationship, I'm ready to meet new people and try new things. There's not a specific type of guy that I like best, really. I like to consider myself equal-opportunity. I guess you could say that I'm looking for friends – more than friends if we click – to have fun with.
Wait, does that sound like I just want to fuck around? That's not really what I was going for...
Come on, Bella. Just keep going, you were on a roll!
Anyway, I like to read and I love music, but the only instrument I can play is the tambourine. I'm not sure that even counts, really. I spent years watching sports with my dad, so I can keep up with you if you're a fan. I'm not much of an outdoorsy girl, but my favorite place in the world is near my dad's house – it's a cliff that hangs out over the Pacific, and it has the best view on earth. I jumped off it once.
Yeah, now they think I'm crazy.
I spend my days reading manuscripts from wannabe authors, and hope someday to publish something of my own.
I was quickly running out of interesting things to say about myself.
Overall, I'd say that my best qualities are honesty (I can't lie without blushing bright red, so I don't bother trying) and open-mindedness. If you'd like to learn more about me, send me an email and we can get to know each other.
It sounded pretty lame, but it was honest. And, as I've already admitted, I am kind of lame these days. Taking a deep breath, I clicked enter before I could chicken out.
I was officially enrolled at . In a few hours, according to the site, I'd receive my first batch of possible matches.
Here goes nothing...
A/N: Thanks for reading; I hope you enjoyed. I'd love to hear what you thought of it!