Ok, so this isn't my story, I didn't write it. This is from /tg/ originally, though you can also find it on 1D4chan. If the original Author wishes me to take this down, then contact me, but I only thought to share your genius story with others. Otherwise, enjoy!

Gav Smith was part of the Imperial Guard. He was a Guardsman and this made Gav very happy. Gav liked being a Guardsman because then he could do the will of the Immortal God-Emperor and that was one of Gav's most favorite things to do in the whole world. Today it was Gav's turn to fetch the huge sack of potatoes from the food wagon and to peel them. Gav liked to do this because he also liked eating potato peel. The Commissar said Gav was a good Ogyrn because Gav did all the things that he was told to do. This made Gav very happy. The Commissar was not like other Commissars because he did not shout and shoot people for being scared of things like small spaces and the dark. This was good because Gav did not like small spaces and Gav was scared of the dark because that was when nightmares came to get you was in the dark. The Commissar was Gav's friend. The Commissar was not an Ogyrn like Gav and was really smart and could read and write and Gav could not do that because it was too hard, not even the Sarge could read long words. But the Commissar said that that was ok because Gav was better at killing orks than he was. This made Gav very happy because Gav liked to be useful.

'Do you want to help peel the potatoes Bob?' asked Gav.

Bob was one of Gavs friends. They had come from the same tribe on the planet Barakak. Gav missed his tribe. When the war against the Orks was over he would be able to go back home. Or if more than 10 years was over. It had been nearly 2 years and they had nearly won. The Commissar said this was because Gav and his friends were such good fighters and that they were making the Emperor happy by killing nasty orks. The Commissars name was Larrykin Von Kelvsetine but he said that Gav and his friends could call him Arry if they wanted to because they were all friends.

'Yes please.' Said Bob. Bob liked eating potato peel too.

For breakfast it was mash potato and mushy peas. Gav did not like mushy peas. Peas should come in a pod and they should not be mushy. Gav had used to grow peas for his tribe. Gav missed his tribe. But he had such wonderful friends here as well. It was good to have friends. Especially when you had to kill orks. Gav killed orks with a big las-cannon. The Commissar said it was a gift from the Emperor so Gav kept it clean and shiny and made sure that he did not put it down somewhere and forget where. But some times he did. But then the Commissar would come and tell him where he had lost it and then he would tell Gav to not do it again. But Gav always did even though he never meant to. This made Gav sorry. Bob killed orks with a las-cannon as well but Bob did not lose his so much. Gav sometimes wished he was as good at not loosing things as Bob was. The Commissar did not have a big shiny gun like Gav. All Arry had was a small long-las-rifle but that was ok because the Arry was very small. Commissar Arry was very clever because had been everywhere and done everything. Once he had stood on a landmine and one of his legs was made of metal. And it went clonk when he kicked a stone. Gav was happy that his foot is not made of metal because it sounds cold.

Bob liked having potato-peeling contests with Gav. Gav kept on loosing but Gav did not mind, because he was peeling potatoes for the Emperor.

Gav loved fighting. He wished he was better at it. Whenever he sparred with Bob, he always ended up knocked out. But he didn't mind. He knew that Bob was helping him get better. And the better he got, the better Gav could serve the Immortal Emperor.

Gav hated the small tank he had to ride in. Every time he was called to serve the Emperor, he had to ride in that scary, dark place. But it was all right, because Bob was there and he'd lead all the other Ogryn in a rousing chorus of "Da Empruh is Da Best". They only knew the chorus, anyway, but it helped the dark, tight place seem less scary.

The flashing lights always made Gav happy. That meant he was going to serve his Emperor! That meant the door would open and he'd be able to shoot his gun. Gav loved his gun. He loved when he fired it and the enemy died. He'd hold down the trigger and shout at the enemy, making them die in the name of his Emperor, his best friend Bob right beside him. He liked Bob. Bob was his best friend.

Gav had fought all kinds of enemies of the Emperor.

His favorite were the Greenskins, cause they seemed to like fighting as much as Gav did. He knew to go for the big ones, the one who was hitting all the others. It was a race, to see who would kill the big one first. Bob usually won. If you killed the big one, the regular Orks would be easier to beat.

The bugs scared Gav. They made him sick to his stomach, especially when he slammed the butt of his gun against their head and they blew up all over him. They smelled bad, and tasted bad. You couldn't cook bugs, not even the Stumpies could make them taste good. The pants stealers were the worst. Gav always made sure his belt was extra-tight when he fought pants stealers.

The humans who'd turned against the Emperor always made Gav extra angry. Why would they stop loving the Emperor? What did the Emperor do to them, except love them and protect them? Gav always loved killing bad humans. It made him feel good. Commissar Arry said that was good. Being angry against trayterrs was good. That made Gav happy. When Arry first told Gav that, he'd hugged Arry so hard he'd had to stay in the Medicae Hotel for a week. The food was really good when Gav visited.

Gav had only faced the metal heads once, but he knew that he never wanted to do it again. No matter how hard you hit them, they'd just get back up again. It wasn't fair. Every other enemy was kind enough to die when you showed them how bad they were. The metal heads were cheaters, coming back to life like that. Bob said that Arry said that his professor Kain at the big school was scared of the metal heads. Gav didn't believe him. Commissars aren't scared of anything, and Kain is some kind of Super Commissar. He must melt metal heads with his eyes or something.

Gav hated the Elders. They were like shiny bugs. You'd almost get your hands on them and they'd slip through your fingers. Their little arrows hurt, too. Bob was better at fighting Elders than Gav. He'd back them into a corner and crush their mushy bodies with his bare hands. 'Dey break easy once ya korner 'em.' Bob would say, shiny blood covering his uniform. That made Gav smile. He missed Bob. Bob always made him smile.

Gav was there the day that Arry died.

One day Gav and Bob and all their friends had gone for a walk. They were walking through a forest. Gav liked the forest because it smelled like home. Arry was walking at the back of them. He always did this to make sure none of them got lost. Gave once got lost. It had made him scared. Arry never got lost. He was really smart like that.

But then an ork all dressed like a tree shot him. Gave did not see it happen. He could not stop it. The sound of Arry dying had warned them all. They had killed the nasty orks with the big guns the Emperor had given them. But Arry was dead.

They took him back to the camp to see if the flesh fixer could fix him. He tried but Arry had already gone to the Emperor. This made the whole tribe sad. Everyone in the tribe liked Arry. Arry was smart.

They dug a hole for Arry to sleep in. Bob was the priest of the tribe so Bob said the death words over the place where Arry slept.

The whole tribe wept. They did not weep for Arry because Arry was with the Emperor. They wept for them selves because they had been left behind.

Losing Arry was bad. But losing Bob made Gav sadder than ever.

Bob was the reason Gav hated demons as much as he did. He'd fought them before, and he'd found them all to be so confusing. Some of them were easy, charging or shambling forward with big swords or small daggers. They broke easy. The skinny ones were like Elder, but they made Gav feel weird. Look at them was like looking at a girl Ogryn after Gav had learned what they were for. But they broke easier than the redskin or rotting demons, once you could stop them from dancing.

The last demons were the kind that took Bob. He hated them most of all. He hated their laughing at him.

They'd surprised them after Bob and Gav had been leading their new Commissar - Gav could never remember his name - into a church to the Emperor. Gav had a headache the whole time. They'd made the place bad. They'd broken statues of the Emperor and carved a weird flame all over the church.

That's when the demons had attacked. They'd burned the Commissar before any of Gav's group could react. They looked like water that had grown faces. Looking at those faces made Gav's nose bleed. Gav would never forget those faces.

Bob rushed into the thick of things, like he always did. Bob was always that way, charging forward for the Emperor, killing his enemies. Bob was good at that. He was a good friend.

The water demons were fast, really fast. They jumped back and burned Bob to a crisp, but Bob didn't die like the Commissar. Gav sometimes felt bad that he couldn't remember the Commissar's name. He hoped someone remembered the Commissar's name.

Bob caught one of the water demons with his hands and ripped it apart. It was pink before, and it had been happy. Laughing. Now the two pieces were blue, and they weren't happy anymore. They attacked Bob and bit at him. The other tribe had started killing the other water demons, but they were too late.

Bob's last words always made Gav sad. "I'm gonna miss the potatah skins..." Gav beat the blue water demons until he was slamming his hands into the floor of the church. He kept it up until he realized his hands were bleeding. He kept doing it until he realized he was crying. He kept crying until the General had found them.

Gav still misses Bob. Bob was a good friend.

Gav had never wanted to kill one of his friends. The General was a friend. But he wanted to kill the General once. He wanted to kill the General when he said that Bob needed to be burned.

The tribe had their ways. Bob needed to be honored and buried, like all good friends. But the General said that Bob's body was sick. That if they didn't burn it that those water demons could come back.

They burned Bob's body right there in that church. But not before Gav got his tribe together and gave him a short, proper funeral.

Gav was Bob's best friend. His other tribesmen let him give the last words.

"Bob wuz a good friend. He liked to fight. He liked potato skins. He was a good soldier fer da Empruh. Now he's wif dah Emprah." Then one of the General's friends burned Bob's body right there in the Emperor's church.

Now whenever Gav peels potatoes, he thinks of Bob. It doesn't hurt as bad anymore. Now he smiles and remembers how good a friend Bob was. Bob always mad Gav smile. Even when he was dead, he could make Gav smile.

Gav couldn't eat another potato skin. It didn't taste good anymore.

Gav remembered the day he found the bad man who'd brought the water demons to the world. He would never forget that day. It was a week after Bob had been burned at the church. Bob was a good friend.

The bad man had made an entire planet stop loving the Emperor. He was one of the Space Marines that had stopped loving the Emperor. He was blue and gold and made Gav's head hurt when he spoke. Gav hated him more than anything he'd felt about before.

Except how much he liked Bob.

The bad man had taken over one of the big churches on the planet. He was killing people to make more water demons. Gav wanted to stop him. He wanted to make the bad man pay for killing Bob. Bob had been such a good friend. Gav would make the bad man pay.

A lot of Gav's human friends died to get to the bad man. The bad man had brought his friends with him. His friends killed a lot of Gav's friends. That only made Gav hate the bad man more. His fellow Guardsmen slowly made it closer to the big church. Gav wasn't scared of his small tank anymore. He was angry. He would make the bad man pay.

"Foolish dullard. You hardly deserve to be considered sentient." The bad man used big words. His voice made Gav's head hurt. His eyes bled, but he continued to try to run towards the bad man.

Gav's tank had been blown up, and a lot of his friends were dead. They'd been good friends, but not as good as Bob. Bob was Gav's best friend. Gav would make the bad man pay.

The bad man was as big as Gav. He was standing on top of a big set of stairs, right at the entrance to the church. He made Gav's human friends die with lightning. And he laughed. Gav hated it when the bad man laughed. He wanted to make the bad man shut up forever.

The bad man struck Gav with the lightning. It hurt. It hurt real bad. Gav almost stopped running up the stairs. But then he remembered Bob. Bob wouldn't stop running. Bob would keep going. Gav wanted to be like Bob. Gav wanted to make the bad man pay.

Gav would always remember the day he walked with little godlings. The bad men in the blue and gold armor were hard to kill and they used heresy and magic. That made Gav hate them. Gav heard whispering in his head. They whispered how he could have everything he ever wanted. But they had nothing he wanted. They had taken a friend from him. Gav roared at them and the bad men had died when he shot them. They could not whisper to him, his mind was too full of the Emperor's love. But they were too hard to kill and they kept coming back.

But the Emperor had sent his children to help him. The Emperor had a lot of children and they were all very strong. All of the Emperor's children were little godlings. Gav and the tribe fought with them. They were very hairy and had teeth that were just like Gav's teeth. They had armor just like the bad men but it was grey and blue. Gav wished he could wear armor like that.

When the war was over the godlings in the grey armor gave gifts to the tribe. They said the Emperor loved them very much.

Then they sang songs for the dead.

"Evolution has left you behind, scum. It's a pity you're too unintelligent to understand just how foolish you are." The bad man wouldn't stop talking. Gav swung his big fists at him, but the bad man was fast. Faster than Gav thought he should be. Gav was getting tired, trying to hit him.

The bad man hit him with his big staff. Gav went flying into a statue of the Emperor, shattering it. He felt bad. He wanted to apologize to the Emperor for breaking his statue, but he couldn't catch his breath. His entire body hurt. He'd never hurt so bad in his life.

The bad man was kneeling beside him. He grabbed Gav's neck and squeezed.

"I pity you, poor creature. For this, you shall get the kindness of a quick death."

Gav lifted himself up suddenly and headbutted the bad man.

"You killed Bob!" He shouted. He grabbed the bad man by the throat and lifted him up, driving his fist into the bad man's stomach. "You killed Bob!" The bad man shot lightning at him, but Gav hardly felt it. He was angry. Bob was a good friend, and the bad man's demons had killed him. Gav would make the bad man pay.

The bad man kicked and punched at Gav, but Gav wouldn't let go. His arms hurt from holding the bad man up.

"You killed Bob!"

He tossed the bad man onto his stomach and jumped on top of him, grabbing his strange helmet and slamming his head down into the concrete. Again and again and again.

"You killed Bob!" SLAM


"YOU KILLED BOB!" SLAM. Gav was crying now. Bob had been a good friend.

"YOU KILLED BOB!" SLAM. The bad man wasn't moving now.

"YOU KILLED BOB" SLAM. The bad man's helmet was leaking this strange powder.


He was still slamming the empty armor into the ground when the Emperor's grey children came. His skin was burned and blackened, his eyes were bleeding as he cried, and every bone in his hands were broken.

But he'd made the bad man pay.