Well greetings and hello everyone! I have to say I'm thrilled with all the nice comments and encouragement I've been receiving on my stories. Yes there is a sequel to Sweet Affections in the works but I probably won't be able to post it till late May or early June because exams start next week and then I have two conferences to attend and my life is very, very hectic. But I will try to update Keeping Up soon and post some other one shots that are trapped in my black hole of a desktop.
I'm not sure how happy I am with this one shot. It's definitely very long but that doesn't mean it's very good so any criticism or critique is welcome. It started out as a really good concept and I like the ending I'm just worried it fell flat in the middle. Which is probably because I've been trying to finish it for two months and have not been giving it the attention it deserves. Oh well read, enjoy, and review. Your support is always appreciated.
Gottverdammt God dammit
Leck mich Bite me
Disclaimer: I do not own Young Justice or its characters.
Leck Mich Baby
Wally was really trying to focus on his book. Really. But his eyes kept straying to the bane of his existence, which sat in companionable silence happily munching on HIS chocolate bar. Wally West was a tolerant man. He was. He could handle the mood swings, the morning (all day) sickness, the cravings, trying to get her take the stupid iron supplements, the erratic need to bug him more than usual but this – he could not even give the emotion he was consumed with words. Artemis West was sitting smugly on their loveseat happily munching on his fifth limited-edition hand crafted pure Belgium Flash chocolate bar. Squinting he could make out her lips biting through the little flash insignias that adorned the face of the lavish treat as she happily reached for another one.
Wasn't there a promise somewhere in their marriage vows over five years ago that said, "I will not touch Wally's food." Clearly the priest had missed it. As his crushing grip on the poor book increased he was seriously wondering what he had done to deserve this torture.
Artemis had free range in their home. The fridge, pantry, kitchen cupboards, the cooler in the garage, the cupboard in the attic, his night stand table were all fair game, he could part with the snacks stored in their secret confines, but he drew the line at rare chocolate bars! And there were some lines you just do not cross.
In an attempt to eradicate the feelings of wanting to stand up and rip the chocolately goodness from the confines of his pregnant wife's hands he stood and headed to the kitchen to grab a granola bar...ok a box of granola bars. As his teeth ripped viciously into the third one, Artemis leaned her head over the back of the couch fixing him with an upside down stare,
"You want a piece, Wallllyyyyyy?" she slurred and he cursed as his eyes detected faint traces of chocolate around her lips. Mentally Wally congratulated himself with the self-restraint he was showing in this situation, although if he thought about it his patience was more an act of self-preservation. If there was one thing Artemis would have no problem doing would be telling the female members of the Justice League that her husband had taken his pregnant wife's chocolate bar and no amount of superspeed would be enough to save him from the wrath of the double X chromosome brigade.
"No," he ground out fixing the wall with an angry glare. It was official he had married his living nightmare! The she-devil incarnate! Artemis smirked at him as he threw the empty box of granola bars in the recycling bin, but he wasn't in the mood to let her win this argument so he snapped,
"Don't you eat salad."
"Don't you eat everything," she riposted.
"So not the point," he responded dryly, "All that junk food can't be good for the baby."
"The way I see it the munchkin is your kid." She poked her stomach for emphasis.
"He's got your taste," he opened his mouth to respond but she interrupted him, "And most likely your obnoxious appetite. I'm just giving the little sea monkey what he wants." His mouth shut abruptly at that comment this was the second time Artemis had pointed out that this was THEIR child, HIS child – the first time had been when she had confessed she was pregnant to him.
Wally was very worried when his wife did not return to bed after heading to the bathroom twenty minutes ago. Perhaps "heading" was not the right word, at precisely 3:54 AM Artemis had hurled herself from their bed sprinting to the bathroom as if her life depended on it and Wally being the kind, unprying husband that he was merely rolled over and attempted to go back to sleep. But when his eyes cracked open at 4:14 and her body heat had not returned beside him Wally grew understandably alarmed.
"Artemis?" when he received no response he threw the sheets off in panic and vibrated through the door to the bathroom in his haste, "Artemis?"
She was leaning heavily against the toilet her face had taken on an ashen, greenish hue as it hovered over the porcelain bowl. He had never seen her look so sick; bruised, beaten, battered but never so seriously ill that he was considering calling the Watch Tower for an emergency teleport.
"Go away Baywatch," she hissed before she proceeded to vomit into the bowl, "I'm fine." He gave her an incredulous look, quirking one of his eyebrows in disbelief,
"Seriously? You look like shit. You are going to get treatment right now." But before he could scoop her into his arms she pointed a threatening finger at him,
"Stay the hell away Wallace West you've already caused the problem."
"There is no way you can possibly blame me for the flu," he responded defiantly, "And if it's food poisoning you cooked dinner tonight so HA." All he got in response was an exasperated glare before she threw up again. Deciding that he should probably try and be a little more supportive he handed Artemis some mouthwash in a cup which she happily swished around her mouth before spitting it into the toilet and flushing. She didn't get up from the floor but sent him a look before sighing dramatically,
"If it has your superspeed you are changing all the diapers."
When they had told the League that Artemis was going to need an extended vacation in nine months, a slew of congratulations had been bestowed on them. Wally was still amazed his arm had survived the abuse of all the enthusiastic punches every male league member had generously decided to give him after hearing the news. Superman's punch had nearly sent him flying through the wall. However, he would never forget Batman's expression upon hearing the news. He had fixed Artemis with a glance that screamed "him?" she had merely shrugged as if bearing his spawn was an unfortunate, unforeseen consequence of marrying him.
"Can't do anything about it now," she responded to the look. Seemingly satisfied with her answer Batman gave her a curt nod before turning and leaving the room casting him a wary glance.
"What was that all about?" asked Zatanna looking after the Dark Knight perplexed.
"He was questioning my choices," sighed Artemis, "I really should listen to him more."
"Hello, sperm donor still here," grumbled Wally bitterly at the apparent lack of love being bestowed on him. So far all he'd received was some nasty bruises.
"Oh, Wally," exclaimed M'gann floating beside him once she was done hugging the life out of Artemis, "This is so exciting. You and Artemis are going to be parents." She clasped her hands together eyes shining.
"Yeah, it's a barrel of monkeys," snorted Wally. Conner stiffened at the word of his most hated enemy but relaxed when M'gann placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Grow up Kid Baby," snapped Artemis coming to stand beside him but he didn't let the nickname bother him as she linked their arms together, placing her head comfortably on his shoulder, "I don't need to deal with two children." She guided his hands to her abdomen and it was silly, there was no way at six weeks there was anything close to a fully formed infant inside Artemis but Wally vaguely imagined her felt a small kick and a fluttering feeling of protectiveness blossomed in his chest as he said two words to Artemis with such conviction that she visibly beamed at him,
Wally had never bothered to imagine the suffering a pregnant Artemis could cause – she was something truly terrifying. If everyone thought she was stubborn and moody before...well to put it bluntly very few league members dared approach her seething form as Wally tried to placate the wired hormonal woman on more then one occasion. It also didn't help things that Artemis's hero complex made her both lethally armed and thoroughly devoted to zetaing into the Watch Tower whenever the opportunity presented itself. It got to the point where Nightwing had to completely rewrite the entire coded security system because she was a surprisingly good hacker. So at the end of her first trimester she was officially banned from the Watch Tower and that was not sitting well with the irate archer at all.
"Will you people stop acting like I'm a fricking china doll!" she yelled twirling around to face her old team who were considered the least likely to incur her physical wrath when she was informed she wouldn't be on active duty or allowed on the Watch Tower for the next six months. "I can still do monitor duty!"
"Space isn't good for the baby," Wally had tried to reason with her.
"Oh come on."
"Look at astronauts and bone density!"
"I hardly think this sea monkey has any bones yet." Wally made the mistake of letting his eyes stray to her stomach as if to affirm that his child was actually there hidden behind the only slightly bulging skin. M'gann tensed beside him as Artemis's eyes narrowed dangerously and green skinned girl gripped his arm in foreboding. "Unless you're saying I'm fat."
That had been the start of her mood swings. Up to that point everyone had mistakenly assumed that she had already been suffering from a hormonal imbalance but Wally knew Artemis way better than that. Angry, saucy, witty Artemis was regular Artemis. However, he pinpointed this moment as the beginning of her mood swings because the minute both of them had returned to Earth and had shared the very tense walk back to their home no sooner had the door closed then Artemis had literally jumped his bones slamming him back against the door with her velocity.
Wally could admit that make up sex was definitely a large part of their relationship but it usually only ever occurred after he capitulated, groveled, and apologized very rarely did Artemis simply initiate intimate contact especially if she was pissed off at him. For her it was a process, a long tortuous, heavenly process but still a thought out activity. So when Artemis's teeth had grazed his earlobe and she had whispered "You up for it Flash Boy" Wally had decided that Artemis had certifiably gone insane and that mood swings maybe weren't so bad.
That thought was short lived.
He quickly realized as Artemis's pregnancy progressed that he would have rather faced the Joker, Poison Ivy, and Icicle Jr. with his legs tied then face Artemis. Artemis was hard to get along with on the good days but add a toxic cocktail of hormones to the mix and she was downright terrifying. Artemis was dangerous, especially when she could wield a knife with deadly accuracy. Okay, maybe a knife was exaggerating but he had come pretty close with a ladle to never bearing children again.
Her food cravings had been (still were) particularly bad. It really took a lot to a) gross a speedster out and b) give him a run for his money in the face stuffing department. It was pretty scary when a Flash was disgusted with your eating habits – that was usually a signal that something was terribly wrong. Although Artemis could still manage to make his life miserable even when she was acting like a pig.
"Yeash," laughed Wally as Artemis practically inhaled the mound of pasta she'd prepared herself one night, "Ever heard of a fork? Or breathing?" She sent him a pointed glare not bothering to respond as she struggled to chew. After a good three minutes she finally managed to swallow and riposte with a scathing comment,
"Oh please like you're the poster boy for manners. I've seen you literally stuff an entire cake in your mouth." Wally shook his head good humorly.
"We're not discussing my eating habits but yours I don't recall marrying a pig."
"Think of it as payback for all those years of virtuous tolerance." She dramatically picked up a fork exaggerating her actions as she swirled the pasta around it, "Happy?" With that issue addressed they had both returned to their meals until Wally noticed a contemplative look crossing Artemis's face before she sighed heavily sending him a weary look.
"I'm sorry," she stated, "I guess I can finally appreciate your crazy over dependence on food." She paused her eyes looking over his shoulder staring at the wall before flickering back to him, "I'm hungry all the time. Your uncle says its natural because speedster infants need more nutrients but I've always been really mean about it when it came to you."
"Well Kid Mouth, Stomach, and Pit were some of your favorite nicknames," he joked, "So does this mean fewer thwacks when I talk with my mouth full?"
"Moron. This is not a get out of jail free card this is one moment of platonic understanding. I'm saying I understand your constant need to eat that does not excuse your atrocious table manners."
"Says she who needed to be reminded to use a fork." She was clearly irked by his comment and Wally felt for a moment that he had won, but as usual Artemis had to screw with him. A look settled on her face, one he had become far too accustomed with over the last four months – one that usually spelled trouble for him.
"Wally," she purred fluttering her eyelashes at him, "I've got a craving for Italian gelato."
"You don't say. That's interesting." Wally feigned indifference shoveling a forkful of pasta in his mouth.
"Walllyyyyyyy, could you get me some pretty please?" Now there was a loaded question if he ever heard one. First tactic: play innocent.
"Oh sure I'll just pop out to the grocery store. Any particular flavor?"
"But Wally I want it right from the motherland." Second tactic: loving husband.
"Artemis I would love to go get your gelato from Italy but it's late and I really don't want to leave you alone."
"Wally," she deadpanned growing less and less jovial as the conversation dragged on, "You are the fastest man alive a trip to Europe for you takes literally minutes so get your ass in gear." Tactic three: complain.
"Artemis," Wally whined, "It's late. Come on. You won't even want it by the time I get back." Wally's eyes widened as he realized the land mine he had just stepped on. Please I want to live to see tomorrow.
A doleful look settled on her face, "Oh." Shit.
"Artemis look -"
"No, I understand. Too big of an inconvenience for the Wallman." Wally gulped as her eyes transformed into thunderous pools. "Heaven forbid that someone was married to someone as callous and unfeeling as you. Oh wait. I know someone – me. Brave, sacrificing, patient Artemis West."
"Been there and back." From behind his back he produced a tub of gelato and Artemis's eyes rounded and she shot him a winning smile before she happily grabbed a spoon and the container. However, about three spoonfuls in she stopped a look of minute dissatisfaction hovering on her face. Wally was about five seconds away from telling her I told you so when she stated thoughtfully straying her eyes towards him.
"You know what would go fantastic with this," Wally felt his stomach plummet, "German liverwurst."
"Leck mich*," she smiled at him, "Oh and while you're over there pick up some French baguettes."
"You are a one woman grocery store."
"Takes one to know one."
Almost at the end of her second trimester Wally and Artemis had finally found the time to go together to the hospital to find out the gender of the baby. Up until this point his superhero duties had conflicted with all of her doctor visits and because karma just loved messing with him Artemis grew more and more angry at his continual absences. He had pretty much taken up camp on the couch.
"I swear to God Wallace," she had hissed over his communicator after setting the appointment, "If you miss this one I will tell your mother." He had gulped suddenly finding monitor duty extremely stifling.
"Oh I would," he could almost see her smirk, "I'm sure she'd be thrilled to know how her darling baby boy has been abandoning his pregnant wife."
"But I can't say no to Batman! He's got a bat glare and everything.
"Look at it this way Flashy," she had stated very calmly, "Batman belongs to a league of heroes which prohibits him from murdering you because of justice. Your mother does not. Instead she belongs to a league of post-menopausal women who really, really want grandchildren."
"Why thank you for noticing."
"You know if you keep up this behavior they won't let you back into the League."
"Just be there Wally," she had responded airily, "Or face the consequences."
He had been touched, ok, he had cried a little (a lot) when their child had come into definition on the small screen and he had stared in wonderment at its tiny face and hands. It was one thing to know a child was in there but completely another to see it. However, the poor technician had watched confused as Artemis had kicked him blushing and muttering,
"Calm down Kid Blubber." In response to the petname Wally had fondly looked at Artemis whose expression melted from one of annoyance and embarrassment to a gentle smile before he swiveled around asking the technician,
"So...boy or girl?"
"Boy." The technician backed away from the strange couple's displays of affection as the jubilant husband punched his wife softly in the arm and she again kicked him. Deciding it would be better to escape from the happy couple the technician hastily excused herself so they could share a private moment.
"God, Artemis. Can you believe it?" he sighed goofily gazing at her, "A boy." Artemis just smiled at him beaming. Artemis had glowed with fierce maternal pride upon leaving the hospital and he had literally ran around the globe three times. Damaging a protected rainforest in Brazil, slightly melting the polar ice cap, and startling a group of pigeons in St. Petersburg. By the time he had completed his global trek and returned to hospital parking lot it appeared that Artemis had gone to the gift shop and purchased a fluffy blue blanket which she held tightly between her fingers smoothing out any creases. Grinning at his wife he slung his arm over her shoulder and squeezed as they both smiled like fools.
If there was one thing both Artemis and Wally had agreed on throughout the course of her pregnancy was that they did not want a baby shower or any sort of party. For one any party that involved the League was never small. Ever. Despite the look of grandeur and self-sacrifice the League was really a bunch of party animals who loved any excuse to hang out and boogie down – unfortunately this usually involved a lot of property damage. The superheroes were also notorious gossips as it was Wally was still trying to convince them that he did not dye his hair after one of Nightwing's pranks made his hair blonde for a week and Dick had the audacity to claim that it was his natural color. Bottom line was they both did not want a surprise party.
The moment the couple had walked quietly into their home they had been bombarded by a chorus of voices yelling, "SURPRISE!" Wally was pretty sure if Green Arrow hadn't confiscated her bow a week ago the Justice League would have been significantly smaller.
"So?" pressed some superheriones surrounding Artemis as she struggled to get away from the gaggle of women, "Boy or girl?"
"Boy." Squeals erupted from around the room as gifts were hastily produced for the happy family. Artemis was pulled into numerous crushing hugs and Wally once again received a round of superpowered punches.
"You must be so thrilled," tittered M'gann pulling Artemis into yet another hug.
"Yeah," grumbled Artemis swatting various hands away as the women attempted to touch her stomach, "I'm over the moon."
"What about you big guy?" said Barry slinging his arm around Wally's neck, "A superhero and a dad-to-be to boot."
"Well," began Wally disentangling himself from his Uncle's embrace, "Me and Artemis are thrilled but – hey wait, is that cake?" His eyes were fixed on an elaborate confection in the corner of the room that he had failed to notice, heck, there was even a buffet style lunch.
"Of course," smirked Oliver as he confidently directed the distracted man toward the second love of his life, "What kind of uncle would I be if I didn't splurge for catering?"
"The worst kind," agreed Wally wholeheartedly making a beeline for the sprwad. Artemis rolled her eyes before approaching Green Arrow,
"So uncle is the food a bribe or a gift?"
"I have no I idea what you are talking about," he shrugged. Artemis shook her head. There was no way any of their friends were leaving now and when Wally approached her brandishing two plates full of food which actually were both for her Artemis fondly thought that maybe having friends and fake uncles wasn't so bad.
Convincing Artemis to take the iron supplements and the prenatal vitamins had been interesting to say the least. Artemis hated hospitals. She hated shots. She hated medicine. In fact anything that's couldn't be cured with spit and sweat and came in a little white antiseptic bottle pretty much meant she was not taking it.
"Nope," she pouted leaning as far away from Wally and the horrid pills as she could, "Back off Wallman." When she had been smaller it had been way easier. All he had to do was corner her, box her in with his devilishly wide chest and two arms on either side of her and coerce her into taking the medicine; whether it was by mouth or force it was her choice. But as their child grew between them it became harder and harder for him to effectively trap her. The baby bump was clearly messing up his mojo if he couldn't even stretch across it to kiss his wife and for a split second he cursed the child that was denying him the more beneficial parts of Artemis,
"It's for the baby," he whined holding the bottle out to her.
"Baby my ass. You just like watching the face I make when I swallow those horrid things."
"Oh come on," he exclaimed, "It's not like I don't wipe the grimace off your face right after with one of my fantastic kisses." She snorted at him effectively blocking his advances with her rounded tummy mockingly performing parries like a physical fencing foil her hands behind her back.
"I don't think so. You're not the only one who can throw your weight around." Wally looked heavenward mentally asking for guidance when he was struck with a brilliant idea. Zipping behind her he tucked his arms in the space beneath her breasts and above her stomach pulling her back flush against him and dropped a kiss on her shoulder.
"What are you planning?" she said suspiciously giving a breathy sigh.
"Wally, I can feel your smirk."
"That's a smile, babe." She pinched his hand.
"Are you usually this suspicious?" he asked mischievously.
"Yes," was the blunt reply he received.
"Wallace make whatever pathetic attempt at trickery you plan on making so that we can both get on with our day," she groaned pulling at an invisible thread on his sleeve.
"Kay," he chirped as with lightening speed he brought his hand up to cover her mouth pushing the pills inside before sucking quickly on her pulse point which caused her to mutely gasp so that she unintentionally swallowed the pills. Sputtering and choking she whipped around to clobber Wally into the ground but was meet with air,
"Wallace West!" Wally leaned casually beside the sink a glass of water in his outstretched hand,
"I still maintain all that junk food is not good for the baby. So why don't you put the chocolate bar calmly down and we can discuss some healthy alternatives," his eyes flashed to the piece she bite off to punctuate his statement – a part of him mentally screamed in agony and he visibly flinched. A smirk dawned on Artemis's face.
"Are we angry that I'm eating your chocolate?" she asked sweetly. Grunting she pushed herself awkwardly off the sofa slowly waddling around it (not that he'd ever say that she waddled out loud) in order to stand on the other side of the kitchen island. Even at eight months pregnant Artemis was scarily impressive, ever movement striking fear into Wally.
"Why did I marry you?" he groused sourly crossing his arms. Rolling her eyes at his antics she leaned on the counter mirroring his posture. Artemis had always been well endowed, her breasts the perfect perky shapes that he adored but with pregnancy they'd grown and with her slightly too small maternity wear and crossed arms he got a fairly delicious look at her ample cleavage as she leaned over the counter smirking at him. She knew it too. As his eyes zeroed in on her chest he cursed her and her womanly wiles.
"I think your proposal went something like; Babe, you light up my life and I can't imagine myself with anyone else so marry me and put me out of my misery. I'm not a ladies man, I'm your man."
"Please it was not that long." A few moments later he added, "Or that degrading."
"I read between the lines," she riposted, "Oh right. You got so nervous you threw the ring at me and fucking ran away to Europe."
"Wrong. Try again. Seriously Arty your memory is going." She looked thoughtful for a moment as if seriously trying to remember his proposal before her face constricted with pain and she clutched her stomach.
"Ugh." Quickly Wally was beside her a spew of questions issuing from his mouth at breakneck speed. She straightened a few moments later waving off the concerned arm that was now gripping her shoulders, "I swear your kid is tap dancing on my spleen." She complained grumbling as she playfully punched her abdomen, "Keep it down in there."
"I hardly think he can dance," laughed Wally beginning to guide her back to the loveseat attempting to covertly snatch back his chocolate bar. Artemis smiled softly at the address laying her hand against her stomach,
"Wally he's kicking."
"So you've been telling me. Can-canning around." She gave him an exasperated look before grabbing his hand and placing it gently against her skin so he could feel the rhythmic thumps, "Yup natural born runner." He said smugly as he counted out the beats in his head storing the moment away for some later time, "Heck who knows maybe he'll just run right out of you."
"So what? You're going to be there with a catcher's mitt or something?" she chuckled at the mental image of Wally crouching down at the end of a hospital bed expectantly waiting. Wally shuddered but made no comment; choosing to revel in this quiet moment of serenity. Once he had finally gotten her to sit down and he had flopped down beside her (still trying to retrieve his chocolate bar – he did have priorities) she unexpectedly shot right back up again. For two seconds he thought it was another one of her emergency pee breaks; for some reason it seemed like Artemis's bladder had shrunk given how often she had to hightail it to the bathroom but his amusement was cut short when she quietly muttered,
"I hate this." He cringed as he watched her grip tighten on the chocolate bar almost believing he could hear the chocolate melting under her sweaty fingers.
"Hey Beautiful why don't you sit down?" he attempted to guide her back to the loveseat but her face took on a twisted forlorn expression.
"Stop it." He raised an eyebrow, "Stop saying I'm beautiful. I'm a blimp." He stood trying to pull her into awkward hug but her baby bump really did impede his ability to hold her. "See." she almost whimpered, stress the almost, "God Wally the only thing I had going for me was my body and now..." He sharply kissed her leaning over to press his lips against hers in a chaste kiss.
"Don't talk about yourself like that," he wove their hands together pulling them up between them so he could kiss the back of her hand, "Ever. I'm not sure where you get the idea that I'm solely with you because of your looks because I'm not. It's your personality I love; the fact that you're having my son is just a plus. You're radiant." She smiled softly knocking their shoulders together,
"Thanks moron," she absentmindedly lifted the half eaten chocolate bar to her mouth before Wally snatched it, "HEY!"
"Uh,uh, uh," he tutted, "Mine." She pouted at him. "Please don't tell me you're dealing with your insecurities by eating my chocolate."
"It helps. Making you miserable brightens my day."
"So glad to be of service to you."
"I think you already were," she joked gesturing at the baby bump, "Clearly you can perform."
"You know if you weren't eight months pregnant I might give you an encore performance. I can't believe after all these years you're still questioning my abilities." Both parties chuckled lightly as they sat down again and he began to finish the half eaten chocolate bar he had successfully retrieved from his wife without getting maimed.
"You are exhausting." He complained.
"I love you."
"I'm not giving you back my chocolate bar."
"Leck mich." He said smiling as he effectively silenced her with his mouth. Artemis was an uphill battle and he'd willingly take every step again.