Things have been kind of crazy lately, although this is by far nowhere near the longest I have ever gone without updating something for sure.
If some parts seem to be of less quality than others, it's probably because I wasn't exactly in a good mood for writing every time I actually sat down to write.
I didn't actually read it yet though, besides skimming through for spelling errors and stuff. That's just how I write.
Anyway, I don't have much else to say. Read my shit and then get lost. Maybe review if you have time and actually care. I know I don't.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Fire Emblem: Sacred Stones. If I did, the game would be twice as awesome (and it's already pretty awesome), and it would have an Adults-Only rating for large amounts of lesbian mermaid smut. I own the characters. You can have Teal though, she scares me.
Chapter 1: Escape? Whatever For?
When we last left the princess Teal, and her stupidly faithful paladin Reynold, they were nearing the border of Frelia.
"Reyyyynooooollllllldddddd. I'm bored!" complained Teal on top of Reynold's back.
"We're *gasp* almost *wheeze* there princess. "Clippity-Clop. Clippity-Clop."
Granted, at the pace they were going, almost there still meant about five minutes of cut-scenes elsewhere.
Speaking of which…
-Somewhere Outside of Frelia-
A somewhat miniscule squad of Grado soldiers marched towards a tiny, little fort that was just…there for some reason. The squad was led by some fucktarded looking guy in sparkly gold armor.
One of the Frelian soldiers on guard at the fort, for some inexplicable reason, saw this and rushed in to tell the young prince that was inside the fort's walls.
"Prince Andrew! Prince Andrew!"
Andrew looked up from where he was playing with his action figures on the floor. "What, what, what!?" he asked impatiently. "Can't you see I'm busy planning my attack on the Grado forces headed our way?"
"Erm, Prince." The soldier scratched the back of his helmet ineffectively. "They're right outside, planning to conquer your play-fort."
"But besides you and Generic Soldier #772 we don't have any units out here at the fort!"
"What should we do Milord? We can't let you be captured by Grado forces!"
The young prince pondered his situation for a moment before replying. "Stick Generic Soldier #772 outside. According to my brilliant tactical intelligence, he should be able to fight them off until you escape to Frelia and come back with reinforcements."
"What about you Milord?"
"I'm staying here because I'm confident in my ability to succeed."
"I don't think that's a good idea Milord! Let me take you to Frelia for safety!"
"Hey! Who's the prince here?"
"W-well. You are."
"Exactly. Now get going!"
The soldier hesitated for a moment. And then decided that he didn't actually care a whole lot, and left. Generic Soldier #772 stood in front of the fort's gate ready to intercept any and all threats like a true professional.
Meanwhile outside, the sparkly golden armor jerk was busy getting a status report from one of his soldiers. "Lord Fabulous! The fort only seems to have a single soldier guarding the entire perimeter! Are you sure this is the right target?"
"Hah! Of course it's the right target! I never make mistakes!" said Lord Fabulous. "And why do I never make mistakes Generic Soldier #1098?"
"Uh." The soldier cocked his head slightly. "Because you're fabulous sir?"
"EXACTLY!" exclaimed the golden knight. "Now you just stand here and watch how fabulous I really am!" He proceeded to march towards the fort's entrance where the lone Frelia soldier waited. Of course, being a fatty-knight, this took roughly 20 minutes.
"HALT IN THE NAME OF FRE-" screamed the soldier.
Lord Fabulous twirled his over-sized lance, and jabbed the thing straight through the generic soldier's naval.
The soldier died instantly.
"Ha! That's what happens when you're not fabulous!" exclaimed the knight.
Lord Fabulous stormed into the fort alone. The rest of the squad wandered around outside waiting for something to do.
Prince Andrew confronted Lord Fabulous head-on, completely unarmed.
"Hey, Fatty! Stop right there!" he cried valiantly. "Take your troops and leave, or I'll be forced to destroy you!"
Lord Fabulous began to laugh "You?! Defeat me? What a fabulous joke!"
The prince took a fighting stance. "I'm warning you! I know Kung-Fu!"
"Don't make an unfabulous fool of yourself kid!"
"That's it! Taste my fist!" The young prince darted towards Lord Fabulous with great speed. His fist collided with the knight's golden armor with a cracking noise.
"AUGH! MY HAND!" Prince Andrew collapsed to the ground. "I BROKE MY HAND!"
The knight laughed even harder. After he got a hold of himself, Lord Fabulous called one of his soldiers inside. "Haha- Lock this kid up – hahaha – somewhere – ha – oh man, what an idiot – hahahaha!"
"Right away oh fabulous one!" Generic Soldier #881 dragged the prince away.
"This day has just been FABULOUS!" said Lord Fabulous with glee. "Hey? Are those action figures? Neat!" The flamboyant knight sat down and started playing with Prince Andrew's toys.
By this time, Reynold and the princess were just coming within reach of Prince Andrew's play-fort. Reynold was too busy staring at the ground underneath him, so Teal was the first one to notice all of the Grado soldiers running around.
"Hey, look Reynold!" Teal pointed out towards the fort in the distance. "Those dummy soldiers managed to take over a fort!"
Reynold looked up just in time to see that one of the Grado soldiers already spotted them, and was on his way back to tell their commander.
"Princess! What do we do? They've already spotted us!"
"Hmm? Did they?" Teal looked down at Reynold with a grin. "It's okay. If any of them attack us, I'll just have to punish them."
"That's what I'm afraid of." Reynold muttered under his breath.
"What was that?"
"Nothing." said Reynold. "Can't we just go around the fort and head straight for Frelia?"
Teal giggled. "Nonsense. Retaking the castle will be fun~"
Not for me it won't, thought Reynold.
"Come on Horsey-Reynold! To that house over there!" She kicked him in the side. "Get a mooooove on!"
"Ouch!" Reynold started advancing towards the random house she pointed at. "Don't be so rough on my kidneys…"
Teal brushed his comment off. "You can live without your kidneys. It's not a big deal."
"It is to me!"
Reynold stopped in close proximity to the house. Teal dismounted, and kicked the door down. "Hi there!"
"AHHHHHHH! GRAD- " screamed an old man. "Huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Just the princess of Renasis."
Teal grabbed a loaf of bread off of the counter and turned to leave. "Okay, I'll be going now! Byyee~"
"HEY! That's my last loaf!"
But Teal was already on top of Reynold and moving again and didn't care or notice.
-Meanwhile back at the fort-
Lord Fabulous was receiving news that the princess of Renasis was coming right to them on the back of some poor idiot.
"Oh today is a FABULOUS day indeed!" gloated Lord Fabulous. "Go capture that princess and bring her here! Kill any unfabulous bastard that gets in the way."
"Yes your Fabulous-ness!" cried the soldiers with a salute.
A crazed axe-man took notice of Teal and her loyal steed, and charged forward, with his axe ready to swing. Teal of course saw him charging and hopped off of Reynold's back. Reynold of course was too busy staring at the ground, and got an axe-blade imbedded into his back.
"UAGBUXSVWUCBWIUBXSJAKX" said Reynold.
Teal just giggled, and grabbed Reynold's silver sword. It was very shiny. And also heavy. Teal dragged it on the ground behind her until she was face to face with the axe-dude.
"And just what in the world are ye goin' to do wit that, lass?" The fighter laughed loudly. Or at least he did until Teal jammed the sword into his mouth and forced him to swallow it.
He coughed and sputtered some red stuff. Then he died. Teal wiped the blood off her hands with a smile. "Nothing much."
She turned back around towards where Reynold was, axe still stuck in his back. "Come on silly." She pulled the axe out with a yucky slurping noise, and threw it in with the rest of their weapons. "You can't just sleep on the battlefield you know. What on earth do they teach people in knight school nowadays?"
"…Uuuugguh…" was all Reynold could say in return.
Then teal saw a pegasus knight and an archer in the distance. "Oh look! Kyle is back!"
Somewhere in the far distance Kyle and said archer were just arriving on the scene.
"Joseph, was it? I think we've arrived just a tiny bit too late." said Kyle.
"Aye. Looks like the prince's fort has already been taken over." replied the archer.
"Well at least Frelia's prince is safe, right?"
"Naw. He's nutters. Prolly stayed behind, and then tried to punch through an armored knight, failed miserably, and then got thrown in his own jail cell to be used as a bargaining piece."
"That seems awfully specific."
"He's done it before."
"Oh." was all Kyle said.
Kyle then noticed a turquoise-haired girl somewhere in the distance, standing next to a bloody pile of armor and some dead guy with a sword sticking out of his face.
"Princess Teal and Sir Reynold have managed to catch up too! With my shemale wiles, we should have no problem taking back this random fort in the middle of nowhere!"
Joseph looked away from the pegasus knight of questionable gender. "Uh. Right."
"GRADO WILL FEAR MY ARROWS! SHEMALE OF JUSTICE AWAY!"
Kyle's pegasus rocketed straight up into the sky, before flying off towards the nearest unassuming generic solider.
The solider was busy trying to readjust his oversized helmet so that he could actually see properly, when he felt a pain in his chest, and then warmth. "Hey. What's all this red stuff everywhere?" was the last thing he said, before falling over dead, arrow sticking out of his chest.
Kyle quickly darted away towards his next victim, barely breaking a sweat.
Joseph was still far behind. "Like there's any way I can keep up with that," he said to himself. "Oh well, less work for me." He decided to casually take his time, as he walked in the direction that the pegasus knight darted off in. It's not like he would catch up even if he strained himself, so why bother?
Teal watched Kyle as he flew from soldier to soldier, as she dragged Reynold's unconscious body to the nearest building. "If Kyle keeps this up, there won't be any left for meeeeee." She complained to herself.
Finally a soldier took the initiative and charged towards Kyle. He readied and threw his spear upwards at the pegasus…and then due to Kyle's good friend Gravity, the spear came back down without hitting it's intended target. Unfortunately for Generic Solider 2051 though, he forgot to take consideration of the wind, and the spear ended up landing in his face, killing him in the progress.
A fighter laughed at the poor fool who managed to impale himself. At least until Teal thrust her rapier through the back of his head. The princess took the fallen axe-bro's body and laid it next to where she left Reynold, so that the corpse could keep him company in case he woke up while everyone was still fighting.
Don't want Reynold getting lonely now.
Joseph was still lagging behind.
One of the few remaining soldiers burst into the fort, disturbing Lord Fabulous from his action figure fun time. "Your Fabulous-ness! It appears that we are losing! What do we do?"
"WHAT?!" Roared Lord Fabulous, scattering little army men everywhere. "Are you saying that all of you are so unfabulous that you can't even kill a few idiots and capture a princess?!"
"Erm…I guess so?"
"YOU PEOPLE ARE WORTHLESS UNFABULOUS MAGGOTS!" Lord Fabulous got up and grabbed his Lance of Fabulous™. "I WILL DEAL WITH THIS UNFABULOUS PRINCESS MYSELF!" Lord Fabulous pushed the soldier out of the way and marched his sparkly gold-colored ass outside as fast as a knight of his obese size could manage.
Lord Fabulous made it outside the fort just in time to witness a crazed gender-confused pegasus wipe out the last of the randomly placed reinforcements with a few well-aimed arrows to the face. All of his original troops were also dead.
The green of the plains was stained with the obnoxiously overblown amount of blood. Fresh corpses dotted the plains like…uh, fresh corpses. Shut up.
Reynold was still where Teal left him.
Joe was still too far away to be of any help.
Kyle was posing triumphantly.
Lord Fabulous was at the entrance of the fort. A bloodied princess stood directly in front of him, rapier in hand, a horrifying grin painted on her face.
"And just what do you think your silly little sword is going to do against my most FABULOUS knight armor?"
"You're pretty dumb." said Teal, right before she thrust her rapier straight through Lord Fabulous's armor and heart.
"…This is so….NOT FABULOUS!" whimpered Lord Fabulous with his dying breath. He crumpled to the ground.
Teal giggled. "Everyone knows gold is too soft to be used as armor silly."
The princess stepped over the, now deceased, body of Lord Fabulous and strolled right inside the fort.
All of the remaining Grado soldiers left in the fort were subsequently brutally murdered.
The soldiers' screams echoed throughout the fort, and were accompanied by Teal's nonchalant humming.
Joseph finally caught up, but heard the sounds emanating from the fort and decided to stay outside with Kyle. Reynold was still off bleeding to death somewhere.
Sometime later, the screams died down and Teal reemerged from the fort. She was dragging a fancily dressed young lad by the arm. He looked absolutely terrified.
"Hey guys! Look what I found!" she said gleefully.
"HELP MEEE!" shrieked the boy.
"Oh! Prince Andrew. You're okay!" exclaimed Joseph.
"Define okay." said Andrew.
"This woman has scarred me for life."
Teal just giggled a bit.
"You shouldn't be so rude to the princess of Renasis." chastised Joseph
"GET ME AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN IMMEDIATELY!" commanded the young prince.
"I have to get you home immediately! The king will have a fit when he finds out what happened here! How many times do I have to tell you not to attack flamboyant knights with your dumb martial arts mumbo jumbo?!"
"Haha!" laughed Teal. "This has happened before?"
"Uh. Like I said before, we're on our way to Frelia ourselves." said Kyle, butting in.
"Oh, yeah! I guess that works out well." said Teal. "Let's go then!"
The bloody princess, the frightened prince, the shemale pegasus knight, and the lazy archer all started off towards Frelia Castle.
"I feel like I'm forgetting something…" moaned the princess. "But I can't remember what it is."
"It must not be that important if you can't remember it." replied the pegasus knight.
"I guess you're right."
Reynold woke up in pain, surrounded by corpses. "...Where is everyone?!"
Around the same time, three mysterious strangers of mystery happened to pass through while traveling away from Frelia.
One of them stopped to survey the mess that the princess of Renasis left in her wake.
"What the fuck happened here?" he asked to nobody in particular.
"War." replied another. "Keep moving."